I Think It's Time...

For two months I suppressed it. I continued to believe what was said, even when there was a hot boulder sitting in my gut.

I trusted too much and gave too much - in the end I got lies, half truths, my dignity stripped away and worst of all...

He raped me.

I've noticed that I make it sound like much less by saying that he 'sexually assaulted' me - but when you boil it down it was rape.

I was asked if I would do a certain sexual thing - I said no. I did consent to something else. We were in the midst of doing the thing I consented to, then without asking he started doing the thing I did not consent to, nor had I changed my mind and suddenly consented to it.

Apparently my saying no and to stop, finally made it's way through his foggy, alcohol soaked mind because he did stop. No apology or check in to see if I was alright. Went back to what I did originally consent to finished up and went to sleep.

I was left wondering if I had somehow made it seem like I did change my mind, did I perhaps make it seem like I wanted him to do that. In his drunken state did it seem like I had said yes...?

I went to sleep thinking that perhaps it was my fault that it had happened.
Woke up the next day and he didn't seem to acknowledge what had happened and I didn't bring it up, I was still trying to figure out what exactly had happened and did I in some way make that happen.

We went out together that next day and as time went on I buried it down and didn't acknowledge it. We went to friends house for a party and were having fun, there was drinking and merriment. Then suddenly I woke with a start at like 7 in the morning, he was laying there next to me, and suddenly I had an enormous panic attack. All I knew was that every fibre of my being was screaming at me to get out of that house and to get away.

I drove home. About halfway home I realized that I likely shouldn't have been driving because I still had too much alcohol in my system. Also that I had been his ride home and essentially left him behind.

I suppressed it all. Pushing the feelings down, and the emotions.

You see... I love him - yes still present tense. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that I could talk to him. I miss all the fun we had together, the places we went together, the things we did.
When those thoughts come up I just think about all the lies that he told me, all the ways that he used me, how he made a fool out of me, and then finally how he raped me that night in my own bed and then acted like nothing happened.

I'm thankful for the help that I sought out, and the positivity in my life now; because I'm still waking up smiling in my heart again.
I needed to get this off my chest. Up until now I had only confided in a few close friends as I still felt so very vulnerable with my healing. Now I'm feeling stronger, and ready to just clear the air around me so that I can go on with my life.

I know I'll never get an apology for all the hurt that he caused me, I have to move on without him ever admitting all the things he did.
It's been good now. I've moved so I no longer am sleeping in the room where he stole my control and sexually abused me.

I don't want to see him, I don't want him in my life anymore; he raped me.

He. Raped. Me.

...pfft.

Usually I do this the other way around and just post a link to my live journal so that Burton can get over here... but this time I actually posted over there so just posting the link to it here...

Mainly that happened because I was pissed...needed to vent and LJ was open...


...pfft. 

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

It's not that I haven't had a whole lot to say it's more like I've had so much to say that I just haven't wanted to sit down and type out all the feels that have been happening for the last few months...normally I would sit and open up completely to my blog in a post but lately I've been very hesitant to do that in fear of those in my life who read it thinking they know better then I and making decisions based on stuff from here...

What happens with my blog posts is 'usually'...I feel something strongly I blog about it and generally the anxiety that comes from those feels goes away...like draining a wound...before it builds up too much pressure and explodes...ick nice visual there...

Well I haven't been doing that...all the anxiety has been building up and making me feel like I'm going crazy... panic attacks, depression, and lots of anxiety related issues...

Avoidance and 'trying to forget about it' had been working very well...but then I noticed that as more stressors came along my reserve would start to crack a bit...and as it cracked more and more that's when things started to affect me even more...

I would get the shakes and be paralyzed, my heart would be racing and my breathing shallow and even a bit laboured as tears would fill my eyes... or I wouldn't be able to catch my breath and would start to panic and start crying... or I would fall into these moods where nothing seemed to matter anymore, where no reason was ever good enough to do something because 'why bother we're all going to die and no one will even notice we were here eventually'... or I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything anyone was saying to me...they might as well have been Charlie Brown's teacher. I could see their mouths moving and hear their voices but nothing they said would make sense to me so I would just shrug and walk away...

The situations I was reliving over and over in mind were enough to drive me batty... I'm here, I'm not here then I'm here again...and it could happen as fast as a blink of the eye or...as slow as an hour... I would forget where I was and where I was going or why I was going there...

I would forget about caring.

I kept all this from everyone around me...especially the Man...

I didn't want him knowing how broken I was feeling...I didn't want anyone to know that I was a lot more broken then I was... and maybe I didn't even realize just how broken I had become

It obviously became more and more evident to me and I was still trying to keep it to myself and say that I was fine... but I wasn't.

Still not, I suppose. However, I'm alright with that. It hasn't made me too insane and I haven't gone catatonic so... I'm not 'that' broken.

I also hadn't been putting anything here because the last time I did I got a message from Squasha asking if I was still hung up on Private Pyle and the last time I talked to Bing about any of this his attitude was 'it's been 3 months what the hell? get over it'

I claim all fault for my own... I no longer say He broke my heart... I know it was my own fault... I know that it was all because of me.

Not going to throw blame around.

I am the one that fell in love.
I am the one who believed in fairy tales, love songs, rom coms...
I am the one that believed I could have a happy ending.
I am the one who believed that happiness could be mine.
I am the one who believed everything he ever said.
I am the one who made up the fantasy that maybe just maybe my love could change someone.
...and so on...

They say talking helps...apparently that is not something that he follows so I'll find another way.

Probably wasn't exactly the best thing to say to him but it was true when I told him I wanted to have the type of Friendship I have with DrunkenMonkey with him.

*shrugs*

We talk about life, our families, our significant others, our kids, our hobbies...we're friends. I don't think Bing really wanted to continue to be friends, can't seem to have conversations like that with him. We did talk like that once, a long time ago...but I think that was more of an act, part of the chase, part of him trying to make himself feel like he's still got it so to speak. Which makes me a bit sad, because, again, I believed him when he said we still would be talking and friends when I left, I knew I should have just followed my instincts and figured I'd never talk to him again.

Oh well.

When it comes right down to it... I'm a tiny ant on a giant rock hurling it's way through space until it's accompanying star decides to die out and I freeze to death with the rest of the little ants.
;) (that's right sometimes I am a joy) lol

I've been keeping myself busy...going out with Burton...going to the gym...going to watch practices...going out with Piper...just trying to get out a lot...

We're talking about moving...not the big move to B.C. that'll take time and some money...but downsizing to something more affordable housing wise so that we can put more money away toward the big move... One does not simply pick up and move into BC...lol

I think it would be really good for me to get out of this house as well... a lot of changes of stuff and what not have happened here in the last few years...but it's still the house that he was at...

So I suppose part of it is downsizing the other part is running away from a ghost that haunts me here. Either way they're both really good reasons to me.

 I don't believe I'm mopey... I believe I have finally been broken of my optimism and have been turned into a realist now...

For now I'll write what I need to...I'll write what I want...I will no longer feel responsible for how others take what I write. (and maybe later I'll actually write about stuff that's happening outside of me)

Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love. ~Christian (Moulin Rouge)

Too...many feels.

Cold Enough For Ya?

It's -13 degrees...(Celsius that is...) with the windchill it was (last night -21) I know because as I stood outside on the front porch shivering my ass off having a smoke I checked the weather on my phone...

In the house...it was... -13 degrees...

It was so cold last night when I went to bed I was wrapped up in my polar fleece housecoat with my fuzzy socks on, under our duvet (and sheets)...I was just going to lay like that until I warmed up a bit.

Laying there reading the nook there was actually condensation on the screen because of my breathing while reading, adjusted the position of it so I wasn't breathing on it and tried to continue reading but couldn't see the screen properly because of the fact that I could see my breath...so I slipped under the blanket tented it a bit and kept reading completely under the blanket...obviously the cold had started to affect the nook because it went a bit wonky a couple of times...seems all good again though it warmed up a bit while under the blankets...

I have never felt so cold save for once...not this past trip to Reno but the one before that...

it's supposed to be down in the negatives for a bit yet so it looks like I'll be digging out the electric blanket to put it back on our bed...

and giving the kids a couple of extra blankets as well...

the heating in this house has always been fucked up... (as to say there is no source of heating in our bedroom at all)... but this year it's been especially fucked up because usually the radiators that provide heat for upstairs  at least work... this year...not so much...

there's been some talk about finding a new place to move to but I was seriously wanting to try to save up to move farther away...but I don't think that will be possible with the amount of rent we pay each month...so instead we'll save up so that we can move out into a smaller place that is hopefully more affordable and better on the utility bills...

until then... more blankets and the electric blanket for us...and hope that winter decides to not last very long and and goes back to being a bit milder...

Suppose it would be good to get out of this house and away from it's ghosts for me as well...

The Man and I ringing in the new year...so excited about the new year.

Have you ever tried to 'Rage Sleep'?

I went to bed annoyed last night...simple reason...I asked a simple yes or no question and got no response...I don't mean...'like omg you didn't answer me within 5 minutes..'.I'm not one of those people but holy fuck a simple yes or no within the next oh I don't know three fucking hours isn't too much to fucking ask...at least I didn't think it was...but wtf ever...

So went to bed annoyed-ish...

Laid in bed reading...had just turned off the nook and put it down...got all comfortable and was just about asleep (or just asleep...) when the brain goes..wtf is that the phone?

Eyes fly open in realization...as I try to crawl over The Man...without stepping on the dog in the blackness that is our room...I glance at the clock while nakedly trying to open the door and notice that it's 4:07am...run nakedly to the living room (phone still ringing) pick it up... and hear dial tone...

Now I do have to say that while all this is happening the Manchild isn't home...it's the weekend...therefore he's at his father's so my first thought is omg he's in trouble...then next thought is omg The Man's mother is calling because something is wrong with his step father....then omg it's my mother there's something just wrong...and then somewhere in the stupid ridiculously hindered (because I've been told I'm not allowed to use the word retarded ever) part of my brain some little teeny fucking tiny retarded (fuck you, using it anyway) thought bubble is born that says..hey maybe it's Bing... REALLY?? Srsly?!  fuck you brain!

So after hanging up and realizing that it was none of those people I check the voice mail...nope nada...oh and the call display had said Private Number...so it's not like I could call it back and say 'hey wtf it's 4am?!'

Go back to the bedroom grab the housecoat drop the phone off in case whatever big emergency that was calls back...grab a smoke and go outside to calm the eff down out on the cold porch where I'm now berating my brain for being so stupid...

Come back in...tiptoe back around the mammoth sleeping dog and crawl over the naked sleeping man...get back under the covers curling up to said naked man...and start to drift peacefully back to sleep...where apparently this time the cat has decided to give me a big 'fuck you...how dare you run around the house naked at 4am...I want to go upstairs...' by sitting outside of our bedroom door and yowling while trying to open the door to go upstairs with his nails...(rinse and repeat that a couple of times)

Yell at the cat...big sigh...try to go back to sleep...just about asleep when cat then decides...well maybe it was just the yowling that was bothering her and goes back to trying to open the front door to go upstairs...

Curse out cat in languages I'm not even sure I know...roll over to my other side to try to snuggle in to go to sleep...suddenly I feel like the ceiling is about to cave in on my head because now it's 8am and the Boychild...apparently waited too long before slipping out of his warm bed to go to the bathroom...and has now thrown himself from his bed and done some sort of acrobatic rolling maneuver with a spring landing over my head (upstairs) to get to their bathroom where he then has flung himself onto the toilet and when finished flushed it the loudest it has ever possibly been flushed...then does some sort of cirque du soliel spring, jump, leaping thing to get down the stairs and through the door to our part of the house so that he may claim 'mine!' to my computer in the living room to get his minecraft fix...

I blink, sigh...roll over and try to go back to sleep...muttering something about chaining him to his bed tonight...

Sleep finally starting to peacefully come over me (it's now taking a bit longer each time)...

Then comes the most disgusting sound a dog can make...and no I'm not actually talking about farting...dog owners should understand this one... the sound that comes from a dog when they're chewing on something or themselves with vigor... not so bad from a little dog....from 100 lb dog with a big mouth and no sense of being quiet...

Obviously something was literally biting his ass today...

Yell at Zuulie to stop biting...start to fall asleep again...yell at him to stop scratching....start to fall back to sleep...yell at him to stop biting....start to... well you get the picture...

Off goes the alarm clock...now it's 9:30am...Man mumbles about what time it is because he just got up turned it off and fell back into bed...
Yeah I got that hon thanks.

Mom's yelling so that must mean she's awake..."Mum...you have two new messages on your cell..." as Boychild walks in carrying my cell...sigh... 'thanks kid...make sure you're dressed and have had breakfast Auntie will be here within the next hour...' tell kid to take dog and put him in his crate...he hears 'let dog out...' and then proceeds to allow him to run about the living room and up and down the hall outside the bedroom

Alarm goes off again...Man gets it...falls back into bed where I'm now trying to forcibly make myself get some semblance of sleep...man tries to curl up sort of throwing an arm over me...to which I respond with 'please don't touch me'...as I squinch together my eyes real tight in the hopes of maybe getting some sleep which I know at this point is hopeless

Man gets up...goes to take dog out for his morning walk...comes back in tells Boychild that Auntie is indeed now here...

Boychild comes in to hug and kiss me before he leaves...I hear The Man outside talking to my sister and the dog going a bit nutso...heave a heavy sigh and realize...I am not getting anymore fucking sleep...

so everything has become stupid this and fucking that...because my vocabulary when sleep deprived and angry...not as impressive...

example...to The Man "Could you get me a fucking bottle of water and one of those stupid antibiotics?"

yep...highly intelligent this morning...

oh and somewhere in there I sent a text or two to my sister and to the Major...ay yi yi

The day had better get better... all these things separate are fine on their own...but when they all happen in the same fucking 5 hour period of time...fuck you world...you're lucky I don't own a gun...

Ayup...No Rest For The Wicked

so here I lay...
been laying here in bed for two hours now...trying to get comfortable (ha) and trying to go to sleep...
I have an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon in four and a half hours...

I really don't know what to expect that's for damn sure... I've had 'wiggle room' in my cast for a bit over a week now...and been moving my foot around inside it...

I hate the feeling of having a foreign object under my skin...it feels so unnatural...it's hard to describe...except to say it feels wrong...

I'm really starting to think I won't be getting any sleep before my appointment...just what I need...cramps, wrong feeling implements in my leg and no sleep...I'll end up being a bear...

not to mention that the damn crutches and constant sitting/laying as left me with knots in my back and shoulders...

complaining done

hopefully next week when I'm less grouchy, less bloated and less bitchy I'll actually get my next weigh in done... my pants are loose again already and yet I don't feel any skinnier...

You never know if you never try... To forgive your past and simply be mine

I have no idea what I talked about in the last post... because well I just didn't take the time to look to see what I had written about... I know that I haven't said too much lately because I've just not been feeling up to saying anything...

I will start off this post by saying I'm an idiot... for oh so many reasons but this time is because I screwed up big time with my pills and have been feeling wonky because of it... my pills are supposed to help my hormone levels stay balanced... but when I forget to take them for three days because of the excitement of an upcoming event...and then try to compensate by taking the three days worth at once... oy vey... so I took the three pills and within an hour I felt so sick...and was so out of whack... went to bed and had real bad night sweats... woke up so terribly irritable and some other emotion that I can't quite put my finger on... and ended up picking a fight with Big Daddy... yeah...that was worth it...*sigh*

Anytime I have an issue with something he's done he pretty much just gets the attitude of 'well then get rid of me if you don't like it' ... *sigh*  I think he's pretty much done with me... I suppose it was only a matter of time... everyone tires of me eventually...
He's become uncommunicative again... and when he does respond he's pretty much being a sarcastic bastard or just barely speaking in sentences... hell I had to make an appointment with him just to get him to talk to me... I just wish he'd fucking do something about his depression... he knows about it, acknowledges it and even uses it as an excuse...

I went to a craft show last weekend and was really disappointed at the fact that absolutely none of my stuff sold...oh wait... that's not entirely true...I had 7 lil bracelets all marked at 50 cents each... yeah... they sold... so woo hoo a big 3.50$ ... I was not impressed in the least... I was trying very hard not to be discouraged and sad... those around me were trying to be supportive and all saying the same things... 'it was your first show' .... 'you'll do better next time' .... blah blah blah doesn't make me feel any better...

bah... I have nothing else productive to say... not that anything I actually wrote is productive in any way... but fuck it...

Seriously Keyboard WTF is up with the French Shite...

Wednesday evening after the Boychild went to bed I went to the store to get some time for my phone and when I got back I got hit with one of my ocular migraines... my vision got all fucked up for about a half an hour and then came the searing pain in my right eye that shoots through my head...

It got so bad I was curled up crying from the pain... The Man offered what he could to help with the pain but it just wouldn`t go away.
Went to bed and got some sleep.

Woke up the next afternoon, asked the Man if he could call the pharmacy about the prescription the doctor gave me for the migraine pain. He came back and told me we had no power, but he got dressed and walked over to the pharmacy, just to find out that it was closed due to not having power.

Come to find out thanks to Krammit that a huge portion of the city was without power... and they had no estimate in regards to when we`d have power back on. So I needed to figure out how to feed the fam since everything we have in the house needs to be cooked. So after getting some help from Krammit (doing some phone calling for me) we found out any restaurant within walking distance and most within busing were all without power.
I called my mum and sister and left messages on their vmail asking if one of them could bring us something we could eat for dinner.
In return I get a text from my sister telling me that she would be here in 20 minutes to pick us all up and taking us back to their house and make sure we leave food out for the cats.
I got angry. I didn`t need a place stay I just need some dinner food that didn`t require cooking... so I sent a text stating such and got a msg back saying `I`m on my way` ... needless to say I was even more angry...and in pain from the migraine and just wanting to go to bed.
So my cell rings and it`s my mum, so flustered as I was I answered the phone and stressed to my mother that...we do not need a place to stay...we just needed some food. Because really when we do stay at my mum`s we barely sleep...it`s not like there`s a guest room with a bed. It`s blowing up an air mattress on the downstairs floor. Really with the way I was feeling that was the last thing I wanted.

So when my sister gets here she gives me attitude because she was in St Catharines when she got a call from mum telling her to not pick us up and to just pick up some food for us. So she had to turn around and head back to Niagara Falls to find somewhere open. Then come back to drop it off.

Meanwhile I had taken a percocet to try to help my migraine, and was on the verge of tears most of the evening.
The power finally came back on at about 8 or so in the evening.

The Manchild called after his meeting with my sister and starts on me about how he wants to stay in Niagara Falls the next evening and then how he has a garbage clean up that he has to go to on Saturday morning oh and then of course his ball hockey game is Sunday morning... and he doesn`t understand why I was possibly upset about any of that.

So I got off the phone with him and just lost it. Started crying.
It was like everything of the day plus the pain I was trying to deal with just came crashing down...

The Man was sweet and put down his laptop and came over to the couch I was sitting on and just hugged me. I told him `You`re super awesome and I love you so much, but it`s all this and I just miss Big Daddy so much...` I`m so glad that he understands and doesn`t feel put out when I tell him things like that. That`s one of the ways he`s super awesome.

After that I sent a text to Big Daddy and was thankful he was around to talk to throughout the evening, though it did start out a bit ...enh.

The percocet didn`t really do anything for the pain in my head. I ended up staying up and watching the Royal Wedding. I wasn`t going to because I wasn`t really interested in the whole thing but I found myself still up at 3am and figured wtf why not...

She looked great and it was a very pretty dress, the Queen looked awesome and that`s about all I`m going to say about all of it.

So here I am and I still have a headache and I`ve just found out that none of the migraine medications the doctor can prescribe for me aren`t covered... *le sigh*

I can get all the narcotics I want but no vaso-restrictors ... wtF

oh well ... such is life.

I`ve set up a doctors appointment for next week and hopefully ...

So as I`m sitting here and in the background the show The Doctors is on because I`ve not changed the channel and as I`m sitting here talking about my headaches...when suddenly a viewer asks about menstrual headaches... so the doctor starts talking about the drop of estrogen when the progestrone rises... so talk to the doctor about the possibility of doing full cycle birth control... where you just stay on birth control rather then taking the break... so then she follows it up with but if you have the migraines that have the auras then you`ll want to stay away from birth control as there is a higher risk of stroke... UM WHAT...

I`m having (aura) migraines and am on birth control and am over 30... *le sigh*

so because of how I am I`ll likely get a migraine again and start thinking I`m having a stroke...

I`m going out for a cheeseburger... fuck this shit of trying to be healthy...

I'm not just playing a guitar....I'm playing a guitar that sounds like dolphins.

Sitting here watching American Idol ... yeah it's my dirty little secret... but it's music so you should figure it hides somewhere in my life... not that it's my only dirty little secret...but I'm not sharing those tonight... ;)

I was saying before how I had a bunch of stuff on my mind... just seems like if I started typing about it that I'd never stop and as I've said before I've been told that my blog posts are too long sometimes...

well first and foremost... totally got my Starbucks cherry popped tonight... and that was a memorable experience... Burton and I went after going with her to get some groceries... I got a Chai Tea Latte... and was introduced to Red Velvet Whoopie Cake...  both were equally delightful!


I'm not going to go into what Big Daddy's going through at the moment as it's not my business to share... but I just wish that I could be there to hug him when he needs one and to try to him out however I could... I heart you Big Daddy and hope beyond hope that everything works out for you.

Now to weigh in about Japan... well ya had to know I was going to say something about it...

Some of the reactions to the Quake/Tsunami/Nuclear Power Plant stuffs that I've seen in my journeying through the interwebs have been nothing short of disheartening...especially those reactions from our neighbours to the south... some of the ignorant things I've seen people say just make me want to cry... whatever happen to compassion for your fellow man?

I came across a link to an image that someone put together a bunch of status messages from facebook... the common factor was (two actually) all American... and all were saying how all of this happened/is happening to Japan as payback for the Japanese bombing Pearl Harbour... WTF?! I was just so fucking sickened by all of them... there was over 50 status msgs just on this one image... I cannot believe that any one would say that... the ignorance that has come to light is just disgusting... People commenting about how the President is dumb/stupid/retarded/a terrorist (yeah that one floored me) all because he was sending aid to Japan...
Does the general populace of the States have selective memory recall? do those particular people forget about Hiroshima? H Bombs?
*shakes head*
I just don't get it. It's a grudge held onto by people who weren't even around when it happened.

The comments about how it was God doing it...(several reasons given) but pretty much that God would never do anything like that to a Christian country like the States... rly? wtf?

My heart goes out to all those in Japan who are affected...hell my heart goes out to the world right now...as we'll all be affected by this for some time. I think it's wonderful how countries from across the world have gotten together to help out in this time of need.

*deep breath...inhale...exhale....* and now... I'll move on before I digress further...

It made me angry today when I found out that a friend of mine that works at a medical facility, of sorts, was at work when they had no water... none... no facilities for bathroom needs, not able to wash their hands, no running water... so decided to do something about it... hopefully something comes from it...

Since my last post... the Man has moved into the temple for bed time... (the room next to our bedroom)... it's been really kind of odd, hugging him good night and then going separate ways to go to sleep... and I've always said that people who sleep in separate beds are just really odd... yeah... I stick to that.
He asked how I had slept the first night we were apart... I told him that when I finally got to sleep it was good...but I could hear him snoring through the wall... *sighs*
So when he goes back to the Respirology doctor he's going to see if they'll lower the machine so it doesn't hurt when he wears it at night... he too doesn't like sleeping in separate beds. Which..I'm thankful for.
Too bad his next appointment isn't until July 25th... *facepalms*

Got to play with an ipad this past week when in Future Shop getting the boys birthday presents... oooo I liked it... but then again I like the idea of the tablets...

gah... it's taken me hours to get this post out... I'm getting really tired now that it's nearly 1 am...

I'm done for now... update on doctor, the movies and working out maybe tomorrow...

Beggin, beggin you... Put your loving hand out baby

I was asked out on a date.

alright wait let me start that again...

I'm on a few different networking sites... it's like people watching without actually having to get involved and those you're watching can't really see that you're watching... except on myYearbook.com

They have it so that you can actually see who has been to see your profile... little creepy sometimes... especially when you see some of the people that are checking you out.

One thing that has always fascinated me were the fact that human beings when sitting behind a computer start to lose their humanity... we lose our manners (if we ever had them) and we say shit to other people that would have had our parents beating the shit out of us, our grandparents rolling in the graves and wanting to come after us with wooden utensils... we say some of the most blunt, hurtful and seriously crude things to each other... if we don't like someone or the way they look we don't give them a second glance... if we think they're cute or handsome or something akin to that we (I'm lumping us all together in a collective WE) say some of the most crass and crude things...

I've had more complete strangers on the internet ask me about the most intimate things that happen in my bedroom then any of my friends ever have. They've asked me about my breast size, they've commented on how fat I am, how ugly I am and what my mom must look like and so on.

Why is it that we sit at our desks or on our couches and think that the words that are typed on the screen won't effect the person on the other side?

I don't just mean negatively either... I don't know about anyone else out there and I generally speak on my experiences or those that have been told to me... and it's not gender specific either... women are just as cruel as men and vice versa...

The words we type are just as hurtful, powerful and emotion triggering as those that we say out loud.

So it's interesting, gobsmacking, flabbergasting and incredible to watch people just shit on people over the webs... to see how cruel people can be when they're not held accountable...

I know you're probably wondering how in the hell we went from "I got asked out.." to this but don't worry you know me I'm full of hot air... so it'll take a few minutes...

So I generally get an inbox full of losers and assholes who send me a message, having never talked to me before or had any sort of conversation with them. Messages such as 'hw r u' <-- what the fuck is that? or 'How big are your titties there big mama?'

and various ways of asking that same question...

I don't even answer them anymore to tell them what assholes they are and I wish I knew their moms so that I could show them how disrespectful their sons are to women... it's a waste of my energy to do that over and over and over again in a day...

I give them a chance if they don't lead off with the drooling through text sound and seem like intelligent, respectful guys...

So I gave this guy, we'll call him Tom (ok like Krammit did, that is his actual name but seriously who cares), sends me a very nice respectful message saying hello, introducing himself, letting me know where abouts he's from and says he'd like to get to know me better.

So he and I correspond back and forth for a few days... by this time I've laid out the situation to him... told him about Big Daddy, told him about The Man... oh yeah the whole polyamory thing and how I'm not just cute but also a Mom... not hiding anything because generally it freaks them out and they never talk to me again. (on the flip side of that some of them then think I'm just around for sex and try to hit on me and fail miserably)

Not this guy... nope. He tells me that's fine and how he just wants to get to know me better and would even like one night to take me out and maybe have dinner and go to a movie. I tell him pretty much straight after that... that I'm not going to go out with him just so he can have sex with me. That's not what I do and that's not how this ... hmm how did Big Daddy put it... oh yeah... 'unorthodox' situation works... I'm not some whore or slut.

he says he's fine with that doesn't want me thinking it's for sex at all, he apparently just wants to get to know (and I quote) 'The most beautiful woman he's ever seen in his life' ... *blink blink* I really don't think he was looking at my pics...

Sooo... that brings us to tonight... I gave him my yahoo info and started talking to him away from myb and that's when it starts... sure it started off with regular conversation about how things are, how the weather is, what kind of movies do you like, favourite foods... and then... what are you wearing... do you like receiving oral... how big are your breasts... *sighs* and the like...

*shrugs* so ... I went from considering going on a date with this guy to not really thinking that's actually going to happen...

oh well... c'est la vie I suppose... now to go back to my people watching via the intertubes and letting the human race continue to shock me with their behaviours.

I'm not sure if the proper protocol is to wish people a 'Happy' Remembrance/Veterans day or not...

as it is I'm still really torn about how exactly I feel about the day at all... I know it's important to remember what happened and why this particular day... but I also know how I feel about wars in general...

It makes me want to absolutely cry when I see the shape of some of the soldiers when they come back nowadays... not that nowadays is any different then a hundred years ago... war just does really nasty things to people...

The men who have had to see it, witness it, take place in it... it breaks my heart and makes me cry to know... not even to know but to guess at what they've had to go through...

As I sit here and type this I'm thinking of just a couple of the things that Big Daddy told me and it makes me cry. (makes me miss him even more as well)

He left me with a piece of shrapnel that nearly got him while he was over seas... I look at it and think if it were just that much closer I would have never even gotten to meet him and I hate that thought.

Makes me also feel bad about yelling at him via a stupid email too the other day.

I hate war. I hate the political propaganda behind war. I hate what war does to the people who have to fight them. I know I probably sound like some sort of hippie or some shit but you know what... I'm human.

I miss you Big Daddy and I love you. And if no one else does today, I thank you for signing up to put yourself through that awful stuff.

Give me the money that has been spent in war and I will clothe every man, woman, and child in an attire of which kings and queens will be proud. I will build a schoolhouse in every valley over the whole earth. I will crown every hillside with a place of worship consecrated to peace. ~Charles Sumner


War does not determine who is right - only who is left. ~Bertrand Russell


It'll be a great day when education gets all the money it wants and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy bombers. ~Author unknown, quoted in You Said a Mouthful edited by Ronald D. Fuchs


I dream of giving birth to a child who will ask, "Mother, what was war?" ~Eve Merriam


The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking... the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker. ~Albert Einstein


The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations. ~David Friedman


"There are no atheists in foxholes" isn't an argument against atheism, it's an argument against foxholes. ~James Morrow


Sometimes I think it should be a rule of war that you have to see somebody up close and get to know him before you can shoot him. ~M*A*S*H, Colonel Potter

Ways to Give Yourself A Heart Attack...

Step 1. Don't allow any of your furry loved ones into your bedroom.

Step 2. Assume that you are alone in your bedroom when you go to bed because of step 1.

Step 3. Drift off to sleep at about 4 o'clock in the morning.

Step 4. Feel something jump up onto the bed and touch your feet.

Step 5. Jump straight up and flick on the light only to not see anything at all, nor hear anything moving.

Step 6. Feel heart rate starting to rise.

Step 7. Look to see that bedroom door is still closed.

Step 8. Convince yourself it was nothing.

Step 9. Turn light off and start to go back to sleep feeling a little uneasy.

Step 10. When just asleep again, hear something rustle in the corner under your dresser.

Step 11. Turn light on and decide to just sleep that way. Feeling really uneasy, heart rate soaring due to being startled out of sleep again.

Step 12. Doze off with light on.

Step 13. Hear rustling noise, followed by something jumping on your bed.

Step 14. With eyes flying wide open, come face to face with the cat that you could have sworn was on the other side of the closed door when you had gone to bed. Squeal softly in surprise, chastise cat, then finally have heart attack.

Still sitting here trying to figure out how the fuck the cat got in through the closed door and trying to calm heart rate down so that I can get more then a broken hours worth of sleep.

I love you Onyx but no... I do not want to look at your balls... and I would like to keep the rest of what's left of my nine lives.

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay... Awake when I'm asleep

You thought I was joking when I came out of the bathroom logged in to tell you in front of your online friends that I was displeased with what just happened... you laughed it off... you made it seem like it was no big deal... well it was.

I may fall asleep afterward and that might seem like a bad thing, but I fall asleep right after because I'm at a place where I'm content and comfortable, and it usually only happens while you're still around...

To come out of the bathroom to find you on the couch and latched onto your new addiction instead of coming back to bed with me... just reaffirmed what I was already thinking when you said you weren't tired...

IMVU is not the whole world... I was on it as a way to just do nothing with my brain for the night... you were on it when I woke up, you were on it after you came home from the store and while we watched a movie, you were on it straight until we went to bed... and then... afterwards you went out there and sat down and logged on it again rather then coming to cuddle or even just lay in bed with me...

tell me how does that feel... is this pay back for my insomniac episodes where I wouldn't come to bed because I would get frustrated and angry and toss and turn because no matter what I couldn't fall asleep?

And how about you... Mr. get me all set up and then 'ok go have fun I'm going to be over here with someone else'... can't even seem to work up enough oomph to log into WE so that we can rp but you can push me aside so that you can go rp on Spin Dizzy... knowing that I had no idea who anyone was or even what a lot of the commands there are... literally just tossed me in with a pack of wolves... sure I probably could have just logged out and not gone back but I was curious I just didn't realize I would have to meet like 15 others all by myself knowing nothing about the game...

Or how about you... you log in and you tell me all about the gold digging sluts who find you on plenty of fish and how they insult you... and I talk to about how crappy that is... and then totally avoid me for two days... only to find out that yeah you got my messages but you would rather play WoW, then talk to me for a couple of minutes when I need an ear...

What about you... Mr in the fucking country can't even be bothered to pick up a telephone and say 'Hey, I'm here family is great, won't be able to see ya but wanted to say hi' ... and then you wonder why I'm a little bit cold when you finally send me a message a few months later...

And you... I tell you that I really am just going to need a friend and that maybe 'persuing' me could you know take a back burner, since we're so much a like that maybe just maybe I could use someone unbiased to be an ear for me so that I can sort a few things out... you say 'yeah sure Rae no problem I can do that' and then fucking disappear... right yeah... not impressed with you either...

And to the three out of the four of you... you better fucking shape up and get your acts in gear or you're all going to be in for a big surprise... I'm not wasting my time week after week to see the three of you fiddle fucking fart around and not take this shit seriously... I have as you can tell, way more on my plate that could use my attention...

Riiight... and you two... oh yes, you two... fuck off, leave me alone. You don't read my blog and I really don't think I'd care at this point if you did, I'm sick of you two acting like small children who had their ball taken away, you're not the end all and be all, you are not the almighty and all powerful you think you are... get over yourselves and grow the fuck up already, you're older then me for christ's sake...

Can you tell it's been a great week... all I can say is this last week has made me want nothing more then to take this trip next week... omg I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to this trip to Reno... only down point is it's only the weekend... but fuck that I'll take what I can get right now...

I miss you...