I Think It's Time...

For two months I suppressed it. I continued to believe what was said, even when there was a hot boulder sitting in my gut.

I trusted too much and gave too much - in the end I got lies, half truths, my dignity stripped away and worst of all...

He raped me.

I've noticed that I make it sound like much less by saying that he 'sexually assaulted' me - but when you boil it down it was rape.

I was asked if I would do a certain sexual thing - I said no. I did consent to something else. We were in the midst of doing the thing I consented to, then without asking he started doing the thing I did not consent to, nor had I changed my mind and suddenly consented to it.

Apparently my saying no and to stop, finally made it's way through his foggy, alcohol soaked mind because he did stop. No apology or check in to see if I was alright. Went back to what I did originally consent to finished up and went to sleep.

I was left wondering if I had somehow made it seem like I did change my mind, did I perhaps make it seem like I wanted him to do that. In his drunken state did it seem like I had said yes...?

I went to sleep thinking that perhaps it was my fault that it had happened.
Woke up the next day and he didn't seem to acknowledge what had happened and I didn't bring it up, I was still trying to figure out what exactly had happened and did I in some way make that happen.

We went out together that next day and as time went on I buried it down and didn't acknowledge it. We went to friends house for a party and were having fun, there was drinking and merriment. Then suddenly I woke with a start at like 7 in the morning, he was laying there next to me, and suddenly I had an enormous panic attack. All I knew was that every fibre of my being was screaming at me to get out of that house and to get away.

I drove home. About halfway home I realized that I likely shouldn't have been driving because I still had too much alcohol in my system. Also that I had been his ride home and essentially left him behind.

I suppressed it all. Pushing the feelings down, and the emotions.

You see... I love him - yes still present tense. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that I could talk to him. I miss all the fun we had together, the places we went together, the things we did.
When those thoughts come up I just think about all the lies that he told me, all the ways that he used me, how he made a fool out of me, and then finally how he raped me that night in my own bed and then acted like nothing happened.

I'm thankful for the help that I sought out, and the positivity in my life now; because I'm still waking up smiling in my heart again.
I needed to get this off my chest. Up until now I had only confided in a few close friends as I still felt so very vulnerable with my healing. Now I'm feeling stronger, and ready to just clear the air around me so that I can go on with my life.

I know I'll never get an apology for all the hurt that he caused me, I have to move on without him ever admitting all the things he did.
It's been good now. I've moved so I no longer am sleeping in the room where he stole my control and sexually abused me.

I don't want to see him, I don't want him in my life anymore; he raped me.

He. Raped. Me.

Let's talk about 'Sex'...

Sex for so many is a means to an end... They want to get off... So that's the only thought behind it...

And of course there's so many different types of sex (the act of) nowadays.

I've come to realize that for myself... I want everything in my life to have meaning, to make me feel a joy in my soul as well as in my being.

When I come together with someone... I want to be fully immersed in that moment together, with them.

I want to run my hands and fingers over their skin, and see in their eyes that feels good... I want them to do the same, to watch as my breathing changes, my body trembles a bit as I fall deeply into that moment of pleasure.

I want to take my time with them, savouring every touch, every groan or whimper as the pleasure builds between us.
I want to be able to see, hear, smell and touch, everything in those moments...just see where it all goes without thought of do they like this...do they want to do this...
Just total immersion...and riding the waves with them as the journey moves on.

I want to lock eyes with them and just know that there's no where else we'd rather be then right there rising up together and just holding on as we get near the end.

Afterwards, I want to be able to lay there, slowly stroking their arm or leg or chest, as we lay entwined together coming down and recovering from the pleasurable experience that was just had, to be able to slowly disconnect and slip out of the immersion of it all, together.

I'm not discrediting a good quickie behind the shed, or something, because ya need some excitement sometimes... I'm talking with a loving partner in the bedroom, great sex.

Because really... If I just wanted to bust a nut... I can do that myself with an orgasm better than any I've gotten from others. That's not a slight to any partners I've had... I just know my body better.

No Take Backs

I said the words last night. I said them out loud to someone I love. It was the first time I told anyone even the vaguest details of what happened to me that day when I was alone in the hospital.

I hadn't told anyone. I hadn't even said them out loud to myself.

It was because I was trying to connect with them, giving them a bit of insight into the trauma of losing my child.
I shed tears, and had too much wine.

They thought in that moment that I was trying to one up them. They took my confession the wrong way, it made me sad that I was just trying to open up to them.

Now I can't take those words back.