I Think It's Time...

For two months I suppressed it. I continued to believe what was said, even when there was a hot boulder sitting in my gut.

I trusted too much and gave too much - in the end I got lies, half truths, my dignity stripped away and worst of all...

He raped me.

I've noticed that I make it sound like much less by saying that he 'sexually assaulted' me - but when you boil it down it was rape.

I was asked if I would do a certain sexual thing - I said no. I did consent to something else. We were in the midst of doing the thing I consented to, then without asking he started doing the thing I did not consent to, nor had I changed my mind and suddenly consented to it.

Apparently my saying no and to stop, finally made it's way through his foggy, alcohol soaked mind because he did stop. No apology or check in to see if I was alright. Went back to what I did originally consent to finished up and went to sleep.

I was left wondering if I had somehow made it seem like I did change my mind, did I perhaps make it seem like I wanted him to do that. In his drunken state did it seem like I had said yes...?

I went to sleep thinking that perhaps it was my fault that it had happened.
Woke up the next day and he didn't seem to acknowledge what had happened and I didn't bring it up, I was still trying to figure out what exactly had happened and did I in some way make that happen.

We went out together that next day and as time went on I buried it down and didn't acknowledge it. We went to friends house for a party and were having fun, there was drinking and merriment. Then suddenly I woke with a start at like 7 in the morning, he was laying there next to me, and suddenly I had an enormous panic attack. All I knew was that every fibre of my being was screaming at me to get out of that house and to get away.

I drove home. About halfway home I realized that I likely shouldn't have been driving because I still had too much alcohol in my system. Also that I had been his ride home and essentially left him behind.

I suppressed it all. Pushing the feelings down, and the emotions.

You see... I love him - yes still present tense. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that I could talk to him. I miss all the fun we had together, the places we went together, the things we did.
When those thoughts come up I just think about all the lies that he told me, all the ways that he used me, how he made a fool out of me, and then finally how he raped me that night in my own bed and then acted like nothing happened.

I'm thankful for the help that I sought out, and the positivity in my life now; because I'm still waking up smiling in my heart again.
I needed to get this off my chest. Up until now I had only confided in a few close friends as I still felt so very vulnerable with my healing. Now I'm feeling stronger, and ready to just clear the air around me so that I can go on with my life.

I know I'll never get an apology for all the hurt that he caused me, I have to move on without him ever admitting all the things he did.
It's been good now. I've moved so I no longer am sleeping in the room where he stole my control and sexually abused me.

I don't want to see him, I don't want him in my life anymore; he raped me.

He. Raped. Me.

On My Own.

On my first derby roadtrip of the year without him.
I did go to Montreal once this year without him, but had him on hand to send a message to when I was nervous or sort of freaking out.

I've picked up and put down my phone so many times because I've wanted to send him a message and tell him something funny, show him an old car, send a picture of a rooster, tell him about a conversation I had just had with someone.

I don't think we've ever gone over 24 hrs without sending a message of some sort in over a year and a half... I'm feeling the sting of it.

What's Going To Happen Next...?

I've been entirely too comfortable in the situation I've been in since the long weekend at the beginning of August.

I have essentially been living in Guelph, with Noise.
For reasons that aren't my business to be sharing, needless to say I've been driving him back and forth from Guelph to Stratford every morning for work, and from Stratford back to Guelph each evening after work. To some that might be a huge inconvenience, I've actually really been enjoying it.

It's coming to an end at the beginning of October, I'm sure he'll be glad to be rid of me and not have to deal with silent car rides or my dislike of loud music in the morning.
I'm going to be sad, I know I am because I'm already sad as the days tick on. I've really enjoyed staying with him. As I've said a bit too much I think.

It's weird, I was so excited about moving into a new apartment down in St Catharines, but now when I've been there I just sort of feel like a visitor in what's suppose to be my own home.

I haven't been great at showing or hiding my emotions at times. This has been no different. I feel the end coming. I started to well up a couple of times. I'm gonna miss him and the days we've had together.

Ridiculous notion came into my head the other day while I was doing some errands around Stratford... Lots of the stores that I went to all had help wanted signs up and on more than one occasion I actually found myself saying 'hm I could work here' - to myself of course.

I don't know how to say what it is that I'm thinking at the moment, and I fear if I was to say any of it that it would likely just freak him the fuck out. So I keep things to myself.
I've been genuinely happy - since about April. Happy with myself especially. I feel like I woke up and came back to myself after all the unpleasantness that I had been through and shut myself away because of.

I don't know what's going to happen from here on out - my life has been sort of hanging in a weird limbo of uncertainty, which I've been oddly okay with...until now.

Something for the last couple of days has been gnawing at me and I can't quite put my finger on it. Perhaps I just don't want to admit it either. It's going to be painful. It's going to be a change that I'm not going to like...I'll adapt. I always do after all.

It's what I do. I help. I fix. Then I'm on my way, sometimes voluntarily sometimes not. Can't hold on to something too tightly or it slips away even faster. We shall see though - like they always say No One Knows The Future... except the Shadow knows...lol

I just wish I had the stability to put my feet down - hanging in limbo can get so taxing on the soul and the spirit.

What's going to happen to me?

Saved My Life...Twice.

I started this post a few weeks ago...probably a couple months ago now since it's nearly October...and I didn't have it in me to share it with anyone... I'm not sure why I am now... but I need to put it out there.


For awhile a lit bit ago... I was very seriously depressed and locked within my own head... it was very hard for me to deal with it.

I went to work...went to derby...went to the gym...went to bed... that is how my schedule has been for the last few weeks.

I have a job that takes very little brain power...so for an extreme over thinker such as myself it left my brain free to think about everything and over think everything as well.

I try very very hard to hide my depression when I'm in the midst of a spell of it like that.
I don't want for my friends and especially my family to see how dark my thoughts can be.
The idea of them knowing scares me a bit...what if they reject me because of those thoughts...or even worse try to have me committed because of them.

I joke around with some of my friends by saying stuff like 'I need adult supervision...' when doing something as easy as putting on sunblock.

A couple of weeks back I went to the beach twice with Sugarbear (...I really do need a new nickname for him...and soon...) in the span of a week. The first time a blanket was brought and some refreshments and we stayed for awhile...
I swam out and just kept swimming until I looked back at one point and everyone seemed small on the beach...Sugarbear was laying on the blanket. I turned and swam out further and was accompanied with the thought of...if I drown out here there would be no mess to clean up...if I just keep swimming eventually I wouldn't be able to continue...
I turned back and saw SB on the blanket and he was laying with his face turned toward the water...and even if he wasn't looking at me at the time it looked like he was...and I felt a bit guilty, I swam back in...and shortly after that we left.
Ended up having a nice dinner and a nice evening together...but in the back of my mind I knew...I knew that I had wanted to keep swimming and not come back earlier.

The second time I had sent SB a text earlier in the day suggesting we go take a dip in the lake after work. When he didn't answer me by the time after work rolled around I showed up at his place to ask him.

We went...not sure he really wanted to...but I'm glad he came...even though he didn't stay in long...and made it seem like he wanted to leave... I got to have a nice swim...but the urge to swim out in the rough water that day was really strong again...

I had thought several times and contemplated on a couple of occasions about harming myself or committing suicide.

I didn't say anything to anyone. Still technically only told two people.
When I have some people in my life whose response to stories of people taking there own lives is a good riddance type of feeling, it's  hard to work up the nerve to say anything.

The thoughts have gone again and I'm feeling much better again.

However I am quite certain that Sugarbear saved my life twice...

This too shall pass?

Usually people have that one person they find solace in.
That one person where just being in their presence silently (or not) they begin to feel better about steesses or anxiety. Talking to that person can make them smile. That person telling them 'you can do this'...'you got this'... or something similiar makes them feel like they can take on the world.
That person  where they just need to hug them and you can feel the stress drain from your muscles.

Those people are special...we keep them close...and likely (for most) never tell them what they mean to us.

Mine keep leaving me....
That seems really dramatic but very true.

Krammit moved away so I don't get to see her much anymore.
Burton moved to Cali...so definitely a lot harder to get hugs. Still end up talking, but not the same.
Minner is in prison...and I still haven't been able to bring myself to write him yet.
Squasha is on another continent which makes it difficult to have a conversation.
Bing is busy and although we talk I know he's not comfortable with some topics anymore. And of course lives in Nevada.
Roo had moved to the other side of the continent so we don't get to talk to much anymore either.

It makes it very hard to be able to just quietly hug someone and cuddle away some stress...when no one is in the same city.

Sugarbear... he just lost his mum. Not like I can seek comfort from someone who I so badly feel needs comforting himself. As much as I really want to cuddle with him, I know he needs his time to grieve for his mum in his own way.

I see the derby girls making plans with their wives...small groups of them going off together for nights out...
I get a twinge of loneliness....wishing my Krammit and Burton were closer.

I have the one person I find solace in...
When sad or angry or depressed I send them a message and hope that they message me back...and when they do it doesn't matter what  we talk about I immediately start to feel better.
Sometimes I don't know what exactly to say so I send them an emoticon...and just getting an emoticon back helps.
It's  the reaching out for human contact, when reciprocated makes me smile.

As anti-social as I am... I recognize that I do need to have contact with other people.

I just need to find some that are  more available...literally, and emotionally.

I just have a hard time clicking and connecting with people.

So right now I'm in that mode where all I want to do is curl up silently and cuddle until next week.

Instead... been throwing myself into derby.
So now...just lonely and sore...

Sorry...not a happier post.

Did get the lineups for next weeks scrimmage in Kitchener...I am literally going to get my  ass handed to me. I'm at least excited about that.

Death, Prison, Dates, Babies and Derby

I'm not even sure where to start this blog post...I'm so far behind in news and thoughts and ramblings...

Not even sure how far back I need to go to try to catch up either...or if I should start with the good news or the bad...

My step father passed away at the beginning of November...the first day of it actually. He was the third of the groups of deaths that have happened in the latter half of the year. Cancer ate away his insides and he just couldn't fight it any more.

The next day Krammit gave birth to her beautiful twins...it was a bit scary for a minute or two...but everyone came out of it and  Jack and Wyatt are beautiful and two of the best babies ever.

After Al's funeral I found out that Biff my favourite Lion ever had passed away, there was no service for him... just the knowledge that in March when I go to the convention I won't get to see him...I won't get my annual picture of me sitting on his lap and having him give me advice on dirty old men.

I went to go visit Krammit and all her boys for nearly a week and it was such a great reprieve from life...I had started to get so depressed and just snuggling and loving the babies and seeing my Krammit for 5 days was just awesome.

Went to the roller derby end of the season party with both Sugarbear and The Man... There aren't words to describe how much I love that I can go out with the both of them and not have to answer to many questions.

At this point I'm not too sure about continuing on with roller derby. I've not been able to pay my dues for December, still need to come up with money for my annual insurance and money for my January dues... may need to sell a kidney to continue.

December brought on the stress of having to deal with my landlords and their thoughts that some how their lack of upkeep of the property is some how our fault. They came back a second day in a row with a paper saying that they'll be raising the rent as of March first...The Man sort of gave our notice...let's see if the landlord takes him seriously...they only thing I've heard from them is that she sent me a text asking me for a measurement for the back door...
So we'll see on the first if we are actually going to give our notice. I think it's time.
I don't want to move. I hate moving...I've moved a lot...like...a lot.
If they're not going to take care of the place and we have to pay more in rent then...what else can I really do... *le sigh*

It hasn't been all bad...?

I did get sick last week...and this past weekend was awesome and horrible all at the same time...
Last Tuesday I seemed to wake up with something horrible living in my head and throat...Wednesday was a bit touch and go as to whether or not I might have had to go to the hospital...thankfully my body decided to take pity on me and just make me feel like hell. My heart didn't go batty thankfully.

This Monday (the 22nd) was the one year mark for Sugarbear and I...went by really fast it seems. He made Saturday awesome. He brought me home a beautiful bouquet of flowers on Friday, which made me blush since before I saw them I was joking about him being spoiled. We went out for breakfast on Saturday (I was and am still, feeling a bit crappy, but I was told he was taking me out for dinner so I was determined to feel well). We went to the Keg in the Falls, had a good view, and a really yummy meal. I have to say that this visit was much better then our last one (which was our first date...lol) we were so much more comfortable with each other now and so it was just a really good time. After supper we went to Timmies and grabbed a hot chocolate and a tea, then drove down through the festival of lights and through Dufferin Island. Then headed home where I forced him to sit through the Nightmare before Christmas (because hello...everyone should see that movie... Best Christmas movie and Best Hallowe'en movie...) I then got him to open up his presents... we then went on to celebrate Christmas downstairs...

Sunday I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck... Sugarbear was a sweetheart (as he almost always is) he ran me a bath and then made me some brunch and just let me lay around most of the afternoon...which made me feel bad since he was running about cleaning up and such. We ended up going to the bakery but I think that was about it.

A bit of a back story for a moment... My friend Codex who was a diabetic and having some renal issues failed to report on the 17th for his dialysis, nurses at the hospital were concerned and made a call for a welfare check. Where he was found unresponsive in his apartment and rushed to the hospital. The found after a ct scan that no neurological activity was happening. They (his mother and sister) then started calling friends and family from out of town to come and say their goodbyes to him.
He wasn't even 30 fucking years old.

On Sunday at 6pm I got a text from Codex's mother that he was gone now. On the Winter Solstice, his favourite night of the year. The night the light starts to come back. The night that the dark times is officially over...

I'm so tired of death. After this dark time...too many people have slipped through the veil.

Twice now I've been with Sugarbear when I've gotten the news of someone passing. I was eating breakfast with him when I found out about Al...and he was making supper when I found out about Codex.

I stayed at Sugarbears house Monday, Tuesday and then came home on Wednesday... I still wasn't feeling well. But I was also using it as a hidey hole...I didn't want to leave...I didn't want to deal with the world (I still really don't want to). I love that Sugarbear let's me use his place as a sanctuary away from the bright noisy world... He's up North with his family celebrating the holiday...

Tomorrow...err...Today... I'll be heading to Mum's to go do the Christmas thing. I was talking to her on the phone earlier and couldn't stop myself from breaking down... Yesterday I just wanted to get into my car and drive to go see my mum...The Man had the car...and I didn't know what I would say when I got there...

I have these moments where I think about how Barium doesn't have her father tomorrow... Oakie doesn't have Judy this Christmas... my Mum won't have Al to snuggle with tomorrow... We won't be watching Codex's cat for him while he goes to visit his mum... Biff won't be able to see what Santa brought for his grandkids... and my beautiful beautiful friend Moon won't get to see her only child open her gifts when the sun comes up... and I just well up and start to cry.

I just want to curl up in Sugarbears big comfy bed and shut the doors...

Earlier tonight was just awful... I was trying to be in a good mood and was laughing and joking about with the Boychild...apparently The Man was annoyed and we were entertained by annoying him further...so he stormed off.
Boychild tried so very hard to cheer me up afterwards...he is such a sweet kid...he shouldn't have to deal with my depression. Standing hugging his mum in the middle of the living room while she cries because she's angry at the world and annoyed with his fathers behaviour, and frustrated that everything just seems like it's going to shit.

And we've been trying to figure out how we can get up North (5 hr drive) on the 28th for Codex's memorial service. The Man and I both really want to go... Frankly I don't like the thought of travelling for 5 hours, saying good bye to a friend and then travelling another 5 hours home again.

Was hard to not think of DrunkenMonkey today and wonder how he's doing. It was his birthday. He just turned 35...in prison.  I have talked to his mum this week to see how he is, to see how she is, and to see if I would be able to mail him a letter.
I know what he did is wrong on so very many levels, but somewhere deep inside me I can't just turn my back on him. I know some people think I'm crazy and think I should just wash my hands of him and be done with it.

So what's coming up...?

Going to make dinner on Saturday for my dad his gf, and our friends The Farmer and Femme, as well as my 4. Not the biggest crowd I've cooked for but still a good size.

Sugarbear and I (and The Man) are having a bit of a gathering for New Years Eve... the Boychild will be there, it'll really be the first time he's really kind of hung out with Sugarbear. We're going to fondue it up with The Farmer and Femme. Hoping that Nickle will be there, maybe Pinky (miss him).
I've invited some others... starting to think that Leethal and Punisher aren't really interested with maintaining a friendship with us any more. I hardly hear from them, and seems when I do text it's not really ever a good time. Invited them to come out on NYE but I think they're sort of waiting to see if something better comes along. At least...that's how it feels. Who knows.
Been a year and I know she still seems to get amazed and weirded out about the whole situation of the three of us...lol

Beyond that... I have no idea.

I'm hoping for at least month off from going to funerals or having someone I know passing away...that would be lovely.

In good news...

I found a Target gift card on my desk that has fifty bucks on it.
I'm still not smoking.
I'm still enjoying my knitting.
My kids are healthy.
I love The Man and Sugarbear... and I'm fairly certain they both love me.

Good Night.

Merry Christmas.

Just Breathing Through It...

I hate them.

They're young, slim, smooth and attractive. They catch the eye, make me nervous and want to throat punch someone.

I hate them. My stomach rolls when I see them, their pictures and I feel like I'm going to puke. My chest tightens and I feel myself starting to build a wall to harden so that the blow when it lands I can slough it off that it won't affect me.

I feel the venom I want to spit, the hatred bubbling up and I swallow it all back down. I feel the sneer take over and I want to lash out. I want to hurt everyone before they can hurt me. I want to gouge out their eyes.

Everything tightens up, winding tight like a spring...ready to be released at a moments notice.
I don't want to harden myself getting ready for the blow...I don't want to think that it's coming.

I'm not young any more... I've never been slim... I don't have a smooth stomach or even ass...

My jaw clenches as the tears start to prick at my eyes...my chin quivers as my breathing deepens...
I try to smile but it comes out pained.

My throat burns as I try not to cry. Is the pain in the end worth the happiness of now...

just breathing through it... when it comes... it comes...

Don't Play Well With Others...

That territorial thing is kicking in again...and I don't like it.

As I pointed out in a conversation I was having earlier today in a chat... "And you know me... I'm the jealous type that doesn't play well with others and not really good at sharing my toys..."

I think I need to step back a moment...reassess and see where to go from there... I will not fall back into the routine that comes with the territorial behaviours...it just makes me ugly...

I just want it all to stay as it was at that moment on Monday morning... 

I don't want to be invisible.

I love having impromptu Skype dates with my wifey (Burton) on a random Sunday night.
I was glad to catch up with her about her weekend last weekend when she was in Portland at a convention.
It made me step back from a blog post I was sitting down to make which probably would have been a lot of wondering and explaining...and blathering on about some other stuff (which I will likely still get to...eventually).

I miss my wife.

On Thursday I went out with Piper (haven't gone out for a while with him) he  picked me up and we went and sat in the truck out by the river in N-O-T-L out by one of the wineries.
Got caught up on life and had some happy leaf that got me semi distracted from our conversation...do believe I kept texting Sugarbear telling him how I wish he was home that night...
He tried to make a move on me... *shakes head*  gotta say 'happy leaf' makes me really fucking horny...however...not so much so that I forget my place...

I ended up working on Friday...I think it was my last shift...not sure that's all up in the air...but with the way that Farmer is going and pissing me off lately...not sad that it would be my last shift. Must admit though that I had more fun at this job then I've had at most of the others I've had.  I didn't mind packing the fruit...and the people I was working with...all truly interesting stories unto themselves. I'm glad for the experience.

Got to chit the chat with Squasha for a bit back and forth via What'sApp...he went off to Germany for Oktoberfest...nice. I seriously would love to be able to go to visit him in Switzerland...take some trips around to other places in Europe...

Oh...my pipe dreams...they are vast...lol

but any way...

The week started out great...it was my birthday and I got my way (To get a hug and a kiss from both the men I lurves on my birthday - I'm easy to please sometimes.)... I slept at Sugarbears place Sunday night (which I don't normally do) woke up with him at 4:30 in the morning...had a few minutes of snuggle time where I got a sincere yet sleepy sounding happy birthday from him before he got up to get ready for work.
I got up threw on my clothes and came home after getting some more hugs and kisses and another happy birthday from SB in the drive.
Got home...a very sleepy and yet happy dog gave me some kisses before I told him to go back to sleep and slipped into bed with The Man, who gave me a hug and wished me a happy birthday before going back to sleep...
Later in the morning... he took me for breakfast which was nice. :)

Tuesday...things went a bit wonky and I felt as though I got punched in the gut. (not going into great detail...) found Sugarbear on another social media site of sorts and noticed that on his profile it said that he was single, looking for a relationship and a couple of other things.
It made me sad at first...and then I got angry...really angry.
I felt that he had lied to me and that he was just using me.
If ever there was anything that would make me pick up shop and leave...it's lying.
I didn't and still don't care if he has the profile, the thing that bothered me was that it stated that he is looking...

I wasn't going to say anything about it until he got home on Friday and was going to discuss it with him then but...before I was leaving to go to a 'birthday skate' I just couldn't not say something.
My feelings had been hurt and I felt used, betrayed and not good enough.
We had had a conversation about the two of us not too long ago where it was a case of we were happy being together and that we wouldn't be looking for or having sex with anyone else... (sort of a big thing for me...) So to come across that I... I'm not even sure how to describe it...I just felt deflated...like all the air had been sucked out of the room for a moment.

Now yes we know that I can sometimes over react to stuff, however, I think I handled it pretty well when we were talking (via text - which btw big fucking kudos to him for starting the response with - 'I can't respond to this in text, won't get it worded correctly...' - text is a tricky fucking format when having a discussion with someone.)

So we talked it out and I thought, ok well knowing now that it bothers me I'm assuming he'll change it.
I felt much better having the reassurance there that he in fact is not looking and is quite happy in this non-relationship relationship that we seem to be in...lol (whatevs everyone calls him my boyfriend and me his girlfriend... people seem to need labels...)

Fast-forward to a couple days later (i.e. Thursday evening - after I got home from going for a smoke with Piper), I saw on my 'friend feed' that he had been active and what not while I was checking my messages. So I went over to his profile to see that we now have a mutual friend and chuckled at myself at who it was/is, and then noticed that it still said that he was/is looking for a relationship.

Didn't even get mad...got really disheartened...though didn't even really say anything about it until earlier this evening (Sunday) before I was leaving.

It bothers me. Shouldn't it?
Think what bothers me the most is the fact that by saying he's available and looking for possible relationships it tells me (even if it's not meant to convey this message) that I'm not important. I'm not good enough. He's keeping his options open in case something else comes along. I'm short term.

I've been these things. To others, I've been the weekend fling. The 'until someone better comes along'. The 'you're awesome and great but we can't be together'. The 'I love you but you're too much...'.

I've been made to feel unimportant, and the dirty little secret. I don't like it. I don't want to be that any more. Just made me feel like he's ashamed of me.

I know he doesn't love me, he's been quite up front and honest about that. There's a difference though. I'm not asking him to put anything up about the two of us being together, but to just not advertise that he's looking.

In comparison to how I used to be this is definitely not me over reacting but actually I think handling it so much better, because at least I'm saying out loud to him what bothers me and why it bothers me. Much better then clamming up and saying nothing is wrong and stewing over it for weeks and being passive aggressively bitchy...

It's the first thing that has really bothered me in the last 9 months with him. Seems so very minute of a thing and yet...

 .... meh.

Onward...

The house is coming along great for the hallowe'en party that we're throwing... Sugarbear and Myself are hosting, The Man has been awesome coming over to help me with decorating during the week...which sort of weirds Leethal out when she comes to help. I think she's still trying to wrap her head around our relationships. Last weekend, The Man came over to help Sugarbear with a
I personally love seeing the two of them together. Sure they are completely different, and yet have a few different similarities...probably how/why I love 'em both.
pool table. Then they headed to The Man's fathers house (45 mins or so away) to pick up a fridge and stove, then they moved a washer out to the road and moved the fridge and stove in... (The Man also came over in the summer-ish time to help Sugarbear build his deck) I told Leethal about the two of them working together on this stuff and she was just like 'Whaaat? I don't...what?! Really? They're alright together??'

Figured out some lighting issues thanks to Sugarbears creative thinking...so I'm feeling better about the light level in the house for the party. I'm getting really excited about how it's coming together.

Can't wait to post some pics of the finished product. I have people who can't make it to the party but they've asked if they could have a tour of the house when it's finished.

Went out with Sugarbear and The Man on Saturday, we were supposed to go see one of my favourite local bands, showed up at the place and it was packed and there was a big tent outside...didn't realize the kick off of grape and wine was going to be so big at this particular bar. So we got some drinks, listened to a few songs and then the tent portion was finished for the evening...and it was going to be impossible to get inside to the bar... so I'm hoping that we can maybe go next weekend to see them at another bar in town... 1st best part of my evening (the one that happened first) holding both of their hands whilst walking back to the car.... :)
If you want to hear about the other 'best parts of my evening' you'll have to subscribe to the R rated version...lol

....going to have to catch up in another post on another day...it's now getting on to 3:30 a.m.... I need to sleep...

One Day... I'll Figure Out How To Kill It...

Ever since I was a little girl I have had body image issues...

That is not an uncommon thing to hear someone say nowadays...

I grew up being put on diets so I could fit in my spring recital costumes for dancing...being called a lard ass or fat ass when weighing 125 lbs... It takes it's toll on you when you're put down about the way you look or your weight...
After having my first son I thought I was flawed and that the stretch marks on my thighs, breasts, stomach and hips would make me undesirable to anyone...

I met a woman who tried very hard to get it through my head that stretch marks should be thought of as 'tiger stripes' or 'badges of honour'... even now that's what I'll tell other women who self-shame themselves about theirs...even as I look in a mirror and wish that my stomach would be smooth...
It's never been flat...I always had a small ponch on my stomach...not realizing when  I was younger that it was a lot smaller in reality then it was in my imagination... looking back I'd like to go smack my younger self for thinking and believing that I was fat... I had curves and was sexy...

I still have curves and am told that I'm sexy... I find it hard to believe it though...

The Man and I have been together for 16 years... he has seen me at my smallest weight of 105 lbs and seen me at my largest of 250ish lbs... and never once has ever said anything negatively to me about my weight... and yet I still have this inner struggle...

I'll walk around in next to nothing, in only a sarong...or wear form fitting clothes...or tight jeans... now.

But even a couple of years ago I wouldn't...

I've said many times that even when I weighed my heaviest...I never 'felt' fat... I knew I was a big girl... there are men out there that love them some plus sized girls...so I would feel desired...even though I would still look in a mirror and say...but I could use to lose a couple of pounds...and always dreamed of a smooth stomach again...

I know if I eat right and get more exercise I could go back down (losing some of the weight that I gained back in the last year) again...

I've been with men who have said they enjoyed my company and told me that they think that I'm sexy...

but it had been a really long time since a man ran his hands over my naked body in a lit room and told me that I have a beautiful sexy body...

I nearly cried a little...as I said one word... 'Really?'

No matter how much I preach positive body image to other women and tell them to love themselves and take care of themselves and don't settle for a man who won't love you the way you are...

I still dislike my own and seem to find it hard to believe that someone could look past, what I think are my flaws, and love my body just the way it is...

Even now as I sit in my sports bra and a pair of jogging pants and look down at my stretch mark covered stomach... there's a small voice inside my head that says 'yeah but he was drinking that night, so maybe he didn't really mean it...' or 'well maybe he was just saying that because he thought that's what you wanted to hear...'

That tiny voice that never lets me enjoy and savour the fact that someone told me that they found me desirable... I try very hard to tell that tiny voice to fuck off...unfortunately it's the same inner voice that feeds most of my fears... but that's for another day...

To Derby or Not To Derby... Anymore.

I'm very near the end of my tether...

Burton kept me going when I broke my ankle... Then the freshmeat group that I got put into last year kept me going... and for a little while recruiting has kept me going...

I'm tired... so tired...

...of being sidelined...
...of having to coach my team instead of playing with them...
...of having to listen to the remarks from my team mates about how I'm getting there...
...of being told I'm not good enough....
...of failing and being humiliated in front of my entire league...
...of being embarrassed by those who ask me how long I've been skating...
...of telling my family that I still don't get to skate in a game...
...of coming home from practices and crying...
...of dreading the thought of going to practice...
...of just not being good enough.

It's been hard going out and recruiting people... telling them how great roller derby is and how much fun they'll have...

I feel like for the last couple of years I've been working my ass off and have had no pay out.

I know that sounds weird that getting to play the game and get hit by other girls is the pay off but in derby it really is. I've been on committees, planned events, done recruiting, bench coached, as well as trying to just get up to par on my skates.

Which the last one just doesn't seem possible any more. I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to others at practice but it happens and frankly there is a couple of people that I look at and think... Really? They did better then me?
Which just makes me get even more down on myself.

After the next bout I'm going to have to seriously sit down and decide if I really want to continue to pay $40 a month to continually break my heart. I would miss a lot of the people...but I wouldn't continue to set myself up just to keep failing.

A lot of people don't get it.

Find something you absolutely love to do that makes you feel amazing... and then have someone tell you for 3 years that no matter how much you love it... you'll never do it... you won't get to know the feeling of putting all that training into effect... it makes me sink further and further into depression.

It Is Possible...

One of the things that I've sort of prided myself on is the fact that if I love someone I love them unconditionally...

Most people don't believe that...and I was finally put to the real test as to whether or not I truly do love without conditions...

I've had a lot of hurtful things done to me and still end up having love in my heart for those that have done those wrongs to me...

However... the big test came in January when I found out that my ex was up on charges (almost 40 of them to be more specific - 27 counts of sexual abuse of a child, single counts each of continual sexual abuse of a child, sexual exploitation of a child, and providing alcohol to an under age person, five counts of sexual solicitation of a child, and two counts each of endangering the welfare of a child and unlawfully administering drugs.)

The response from everyone was understandably 
negative...hateful...disappointment...anger...disgust...shock...

I was stunned... and confused... and first thought that there must be some sort of mistake... I wanted to talk to him and find out what happened...

I would still like to talk to him at some point... I don't want to say the hateful things to him that other people do... I want him to know that I disagree with what he did... that I hope he's finding help... and that I will still be his friend.

I'm disappointed in him, shocked by what he did, and sad that he has ruined the rest of his life, but...there is still love in my heart for him.

It's taken quite a bit of processing for me to realize that yes I'm angry at him, but that I do not hate him.

I feel like I should hate him... but I can't force that... I do not condone what he did.

He's helped me too much to turn my back on him completely.

Sometimes It's Just Silence You Need...

Last night I went to derby practice and sat out, I had one of my team mates skate up to me about half way in and ask me what was broken...generally just her way of asking why I wasn't skating.

Truth is I feel broken... I feel like for the last two weeks there's been some civil unrest within my body as I try to do the battle of staying on track and healthy and not having enough money to stay on track and be healthy.

I would sit at my desk and want to cry at the smell of potatoes cooking in the kitchen because I know that I can't eat them but know that there wasn't much left in the kitchen that I could eat.

I would frown and feel sad when having to put rice on my plate because besides a piece of chicken or pork chop there wasn't anything else that I could eat for dinner.

Then of course I would feel ridiculous because at least I had food in the house where I could provide a 'decent' meal for the rest of my family and I should have felt happy about that, but all I could think about was how much pain that food was going to cause me.

It has caught up to me today and that civil unrest within me has turned into a full scale civil war and the south is unhappy. So many aches in my joints, my back hurts when it's straight...and when I slouch.
I'm on the verge of screaming in anger and screaming in pain...but trying very hard to not scream at all.
I want to cry because now that I know what it feels like to be better it feels a thousand times worse when I am forced to fuck it all up.

My ankle feels like it did when I got the ability to walk on it again after getting my cast off. My knees are not happy campers at all. My sinuses are stuffed and it feels like my head is going to explode from this stupid headache that I have.

I feel like if I open my mouth to hold a 'normal' conversation I'm either going to cry or scream in the persons face that they don't understand what's happening inside of me and how dare they try to talk to me when I'm in so much pain.

When like this you can't see it from the outside, you can't tell I'm in pain, unless you really know me. How am I supposed to expect people to know if I don't tell them. I just can't put into words how much this sucks.

To make things worse since I've decided to start doing the weigh ins again I know there is one coming up and I'm not looking forward to seeing how that is going to turn out. I figure I'll have gained weight and it'll just depress me even more.

On top of all this bullshit with me...

A man I once loved very much, is having his preliminary hearing today, after having been arrested last week.

I was stunned into silence, confusion, disbelief and so many other emotions when I had found out that the DrunkenMonkey had been arrested on 27 counts of sexual abuse of a child, 1 count of continual sexual abuse of a child, 1 count of sexual exploitation of a child, 1 count of  providing alcohol to an under age person, 5 counts of sexual solicitation of a child, 2 counts of endangering the welfare of a child and 2 counts of unlawfully administering drugs.

Yep.

He was held with a $799 600 secured bond.

Yeah been trying to process that for nearly a week. How is it that someone can sink so low?
I knew he needed professional help for his alcohol abuse but he had been going to counselling...

I was thankful that his (now ex) girlfriend had let me know immediately, because people we had mutually known had started to message me with a 'You'll never guess what's going on in Dover.' So thankfully I didn't get blind sided by those who just wanted to gossip and point.

I know what he did is sickening. I feel more disappointed in him then anything else at this point. I would love to have a conversation with him and just say 'What the fuck were you thinking?! She was your 13 year old step daughter. You were supposed to be her Daddy, and protect her from shit like this happening to her, not do it to her.' Well that and 'No seriously, what happened...?'

I've told Krammit and The Man, that at this point after he's found guilty and put in prison I'll just be waiting to get the message that he's been killed. If he ends up in Gen Pop he's a dead man. I will feel bad, and I'm definitely not wanting or wishing for that to happen, but I'm sadly expecting it.

So Much To Say...

I'm not even sure where exactly I should start this point...

Went to a Lioness Meeting where they dress up as Witches.
I won most original costume...wore my own clothes...lol

It's been just over a week since my last post... (wow that sort of took on a Catholic confession for a moment...)

Forgive me Padre it's been 9 days since my last confession... lol

In all seriousness... a lot has happened... or at least it seems a lot has happened.

I'm feeling really frazzled. I've never been one for being alone as most people who know me know... during the day when the Boychild is here and awake...not so bad.

When here while he's in school or after he's gone to bed... I want to be anywhere then here... well.. that's not entirely true I suppose... let's be honest... there is somewhere else I would much rather be...

Though I guess I should zip backward so that I don't get out of order in my own head.

Last Tuesday... last Tuesday was October 8th. It had been one full year since I had seen Bing. No biggie right? Riiiiight.

First time in four years that I haven't seen him. One full year of wondering how he's doing... One full year of wondering if he might still care about how I am... One full year of worrying about triggers of panic and anxiety attacks... One full year of hating how I had to say good bye to him... One full year of hiding all my feelings all the time... One full year... and I didn't fall apart... It didn't kill me... So that means I'm stronger now... right?

No matter. C'est la vie. He's doing well. It does surprise some people that I talk to that I still keep in touch with him.

So needless to say last Tuesday was most definitely not a good day for me. Enough said.

I planned on doing up a Thanksgiving dinner for those of us that come and hang out for game night on Fridays. Krammit (and her son), Nickle and Rob (their eldest), The Man and I (both our kids), Leethal and her hubby (Penalizer), Pinky, Tai and Burton was flying back home for the weekend.

So went out and got all the grub and started prepping it... found out the Penalizer wouldn't be coming he got a cook gig as a monster at a local haunted house thing and was doing that the night of. So down to 13 people...cool beans... I could do that. Then figure he'd be coming over after he was down scaring, so kept him in the count after all, just in case he was hungry.

Actually kind of made it easier. Then Thursday morning the Man and I are awoken by a phone call from his mother...she had found his step father in bed that morning, stone cold and dead. Not a nice thing to wake up to. So Thursday while I was prepping some of the food for the next night the Man spent the day trying to figure out how he could get up north (the buses only run on Sunday and Wednesdays). Ended up finding out that his father's step daughter and her husband were heading up north for the weekend...leaving on Friday after work. Of course...

So down to 12 (13ish) people for dinner. Not a problem.

Friday rolls around and I'm cooking and peeling and mashing... Had to go drop off the Man at a local car dealership so he could head up north. Picked up Burton from her hair appointment, packed up the car with the kids and the food and head to Nickle and Rob's...

To find 3 extra people there... O.o

Um.

Nearly lost it but...didn't.

Never did specifically say 'please make sure that no one else comes'... and it was regular game night... I just already always freak out that I might have made enough food when I'm feeding groups of people. I was upset at my sweet potatoes.. but meh.

The other couple that were there were really gracious about the food and enjoyed it. No idea if Rob's eldest's girlfriend had any an whether or not she enjoyed it.

Everyone else said that they enjoyed it. That made me glad.

Saturday I got up and realized that I had a shoe situation... which was... I have no good shoes that fit. I have my favourites... my mary janes... but I realized last year while in Reno that they didn't fit anymore :(
So I ran out to Wally's World and managed to score 3 pairs of shoes for 30$...which after finding 21$ in an old purse means I actually paid 9$ for 3 pairs of new shoes...
Always a bad idea though to wear brand new shoes to a wedding... so I'm glad that one of the 3 pair are a pair of flats that fit into my purse. I lasted until we got to the table for dinner...which is when I switched my shoes...lol
Right..! So Saturday I went to a wedding with Burton... The Nerd was flying off to Barcelona for another convention so I got to be his fill in for the evening. I was really nervous...I've only met the bride and groom once or twice in passing mainly. No idea who was going to be there.

Couple of sexy bitches heading to some sweet nuptials.

Burton's family was very welcoming and the awkwardness I felt didn't last very long at all. Though her one sister-in-law... wow...very touchy feely type of person... that threw me a bit at first.

Watched the nuptials, drank some, ate some, danced some... I enjoyed myself.

I can't help but wonder how long I'll have an underlying sadness to everything when I'm enjoying myself...?

Sunday... Thanksgiving again... Manchild had to work... the Man was gone... so it was Mum, Sis, Boychild and I...smallest dinner we've had in years... but was still nice...

Until I jokingly said to Mum that if/when the Man and I ever get married I was going to invite Burton's Dutch family because they're awesome... instead of asking me how they are or what makes them awesome... she turns around and says... When you get married you have to become monogamous you know... *shakes head* to which I responded with... no I don't...who says?

Don't get how or why it's any of anyone elses business whether or not Ryan and I are monogamous or not... It's not like I flaunt it in anyone's face.
For the most part those I'm getting naked with or for is a complete secret... mainly because they're married.

*snickers* but... shh!  ;)

Awesome new Hoodie...

Dashie Hoodie!!

Monday... I picked up Manchild Sunday night as I was heading home and he stayed again which was nice... I picked Burton up at her parents house and we made the trek across the border... funny... on the bridge I pick up my phone to prevent roaming charges and she picks hers up to turn it on...
Anyway...went to see PirateAnnie and PirateBobby...had a light lunch and chatted...picked up my awesome new hoodie and then I took Burton to the airport...

I couldn't go in... I really wanted to so that I could see her to the security line and give her a wave... but I just couldn't. As soon as I saw the airport my chest started tightening and my heart started racing... and I just had to breathe through it... I hugged her and waved bye to her from the parking garage instead... much like I did to Roo :(
I felt bad...
I made it to Fort Erie before I had to pull over and just let the shakes over take me and let me cry... it was like as soon as I was back on safe ground my body just wouldn't let me hold off any longer... didn't get the dry heaves but nearly felt I was going to... just thinking about it now my palms get clammy and my heart starts again...

I got home...made some dinner for the boys... then had to drive Manchild back to his dads...

I want the Man to come home. :(

Don't You Ever Say I Just Walked Away....

We clawed, we chained, our hearts in vain
We jumped, never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

I put you high up in the sky
And now, you're not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now, we're ashes on the ground

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me

I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should've let you win
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should've let you win

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me

I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

Where Have All The Flowers Gone...?

I keep thinking of things I'd like to post or ideas I have or thoughts that I'd like to get out...

Than I sit down at the computer and draw a blank.

One of these days I'll update a whole bunch and it'll take me hours, but for the last couple of weeks... I've been really really guarded and not wanting to express too much... because in my own head I've been having a real hard time of it.

I'm thankful for the friends that I can just drop in on or help out... I'm thankful for my school work... and I'm thankful that I'm about to be overwhelmed by a lot of sewing and knitting in the coming days... I'm thankful I got enough points in my Social Psych course that I'll be getting a Statement of Accomplishment!

Yeah it's almost Thanksgiving...can you tell...

Yeah... me too... I really hate September and October now.

I can't breathe.
I hate being sick.

Observation.

It's been a year since I made an omelette.

Oh Suzy Q.

It was by some very interesting circumstances that we became friends in the first place... we had met a few times and knew of each other yet it was by someone else's mistake that we got together and ended up 'coming clean' about a few things that we had been led to believe about each other that we opened up and became friends.

We started doing a lot of stuff together. From going for tea, to hanging out and watching a movie, to doing pagan rituals, which led to pagan retreats, joining roller derby and being there whenever one of us needed the other to do something, to ask about life stuffs, to talk about cooking or just needed to offload or vent about bullshit.

It used to make me very uncomfortable to use the term 'best friend' it makes it seem like that person is better then all others. Well I suppose in some respects your best friend does definitely stand out from the others. I never knew anyone who had more then 2 best friends before. I myself had my best friend, my Krammity Jane. I thought you were really only allowed one. Or at least one at a time. Never had I met someone who had like 5. Nor did I think someone who already had 4 or 5 would come to think of me as another one of their best friends.

Alas, it happened. I never thought I really fit into the group and in some ways I still don't (tonight was a slight example of that). However, I was never left feeling that way for long, Burton always knows how to make someone feel included and special even whilst in the midst of a large group.

It's Saturday the 14th at the moment. I just got home a little while ago from having a sushi dinner with Burton, Nickle, Bella and two Nicole's. Sort of started as The Man's idea when he told me that I could use the last of the money we had to ask Burton if she'd be up for a sushi (another in this case) before she left. She (and The Nerd) leave on Monday and we won't see her again until Thanksgiving, sure it's only a month or so away but it's a case of she's going to be on the other side of another country for a month, and then after a bit of a weekend here she'll be going back there without knowing when she'll be back or when I might be able to afford to go see her.

This is someone I've gotten used to seeing at least once week, and talking to pretty much everyday (via texts).
Someone, with whom, I've had no problem publicly admitting is 'my wife' even in front of our husbands, perhaps especially in front of our husbands.
I know lots of people are going to miss 'My' Burton, and I won't even have the ego to say I'll miss her the most while she's gone, but I will definitely have some huge adjusting to do.

I went and helped her and The Nerd (with The Man) clean up Casa de Awesome (the house they just moved out of) and teared up a bit as I pulled out of the drive knowing there'd be no more curling up in the Cave of Awesome to watch movies, playing games or just hanging with a cup of tea...there'd be no more fires in the back yard, roasting weinies or making s'mores...no more sitting in the office as she sorts through the latest of her Scentsy orders that came in that she'll have to deliver (possibly with me keeping her company)...no more fashion shows that start in the bedroom and move out to the kitchen where there's 'better light' for pictures... no more sitting in the kitchen washing her do the dishes as we talk about everything...

People have been doing the 'She'll be back'... 'There's always Skype'... 'You can go visit'... Which yes, those are correct, those things will be happening... but it's not the same as me getting a random text with a 'hey what are you doing right now? want to go to the grocery store with me?' text and dropping whatever it was that I was doing and jumping in the car with her, only to return like 3 hours later...

Things are changing. We all know how change works. It sucks, then will sometimes start to get better. Shakes you up just enough to make you make a decision about what's going on in or with your life.

I just really wish it wasn't happening this month... of all the months this one already sucks pretty hard for me right now. Which I only really complain or talk to one person about so as to not disrupt the rest of everyone else's lives with my own personal crap.

Tomorrow there's a group of us going to the Racetrack (horse), I've not been there since 2009, when Bing was here. I'm glad there's a group of us going, it'll be fun. Even bringing the minions with us.

Tomorrow I say goodbye, good luck and safe trip to my wife before she gets on a plane with her hubs on Monday morning.

Then I immerse myself into the busy-ness that have made my life...and perhaps have a longer cry then I did while typing this up.

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow...Oh Yeah I Went There.

I've been thinking about and putting this post off for weeks now...

I've had the opinion of if I don't talk about it then maybe just maybe it won't affect me...I only fool myself for so long when I do that... and then it'll finally get to the point where I can't sleep and my depression will start to take over again... and it has started to... I've not wanted to go anywhere or really socialize with people... and generally when I start sliding down the slope of depression everything just seems to snowball... right now it's this and money that started it...and it just makes me think about all sorts of things that I should just forget about completely...


I've sort of gotten to the point where I just want to say Fuck San Francisco.
I've been there it's beautiful it smells like the ocean that I've always wanted to see and has the weather that I tend to like, and runs on the natural rhythms of  my inner clock... so you would think that would make me love San Fran... but nope.

Burton is leaving. She and The Nerd are moving. They're moving to California...now I already have mixed emotions to start with for California but now...

Anyway...

They're moving to Palo Alto (just south of San Fran), from what I've gathered from her she's excited and yet really sad that she is having to move to the other side of another country (yeah...see what I did there Bing...)
I am really really sad that she's moving. I feel as though that once she moves I'll never see her again.

I know that she says she'll be back for visits and that but... I know what tends to happen in those sorts of circumstances. Especially people who have lots of friends like she does. I know because it happened with Squasha.

They come home to visit...they're tired from the time zone jumping....then family gets first visits (as they should)...then they try to make the rounds of taking care of any business that needs to be done while home...and then they make the rounds of those they have time to see who can work around their schedules...

The last 3 maybe 4 times that Squasha has made his way back here I've not seen him unfortunately... I've gotten used to it now, but I do miss him. Even the really quick visits of getting to talk with him in a bar over a couple of drinks.

Burton has a huge social circle... actually no... she has a lot of small social circles that have a lot of friends in them... which to me is awesome... I don't have that never known how she manages to keep up with all of us to tell you the truth... I do get a bit envious at times because I"d like to know how she does it... but anyway...

So I get really sad at times when I think of her leaving...

They leave I believe it's October now... as in just a few months away... which I suppose is good... don't draw it out... but kind of bad...it's really soon...

And of course in that time there will be at least one or two trips back to Cali to find themselves an apartment and getting settled with things there...

I just feel like I'll be doing with her over the next few months what I did with Bing for that few weeks last year...

Ya got two people who love each other who have to say good bye to each other... (obviously not exactly the same but you know...)

I can sit and hope that she'll hate it out there... but to tell you the truth... I really think she's going to love it.

So to me this is saying good bye to another person who is really dear to me... but all I can hope is that it turns out for her like it has with the others...

Squasha is happy, has a wife and a beautiful son and lives in Europe and still gets to play hockey ;)
Bing is happy with April and their combined kids, living in the beautiful desert.

All I can hope is that Burton and The Nerd love it in Cali together (since I already know how much The Nerd loves it out there) and that maybe...just maybe... after I find my way out of this hole that I'm in I can go and visit.

Hopefully by then the airport won't give me mind numbing anxiety/panic attacks any more.

I really heart my derby wife... and I really don't want her to go... :(