To Derby or Not To Derby... Anymore.

I'm very near the end of my tether...

Burton kept me going when I broke my ankle... Then the freshmeat group that I got put into last year kept me going... and for a little while recruiting has kept me going...

I'm tired... so tired...

...of being sidelined...
...of having to coach my team instead of playing with them...
...of having to listen to the remarks from my team mates about how I'm getting there...
...of being told I'm not good enough....
...of failing and being humiliated in front of my entire league...
...of being embarrassed by those who ask me how long I've been skating...
...of telling my family that I still don't get to skate in a game...
...of coming home from practices and crying...
...of dreading the thought of going to practice...
...of just not being good enough.

It's been hard going out and recruiting people... telling them how great roller derby is and how much fun they'll have...

I feel like for the last couple of years I've been working my ass off and have had no pay out.

I know that sounds weird that getting to play the game and get hit by other girls is the pay off but in derby it really is. I've been on committees, planned events, done recruiting, bench coached, as well as trying to just get up to par on my skates.

Which the last one just doesn't seem possible any more. I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to others at practice but it happens and frankly there is a couple of people that I look at and think... Really? They did better then me?
Which just makes me get even more down on myself.

After the next bout I'm going to have to seriously sit down and decide if I really want to continue to pay $40 a month to continually break my heart. I would miss a lot of the people...but I wouldn't continue to set myself up just to keep failing.

A lot of people don't get it.

Find something you absolutely love to do that makes you feel amazing... and then have someone tell you for 3 years that no matter how much you love it... you'll never do it... you won't get to know the feeling of putting all that training into effect... it makes me sink further and further into depression.