On My Own.

On my first derby roadtrip of the year without him.
I did go to Montreal once this year without him, but had him on hand to send a message to when I was nervous or sort of freaking out.

I've picked up and put down my phone so many times because I've wanted to send him a message and tell him something funny, show him an old car, send a picture of a rooster, tell him about a conversation I had just had with someone.

I don't think we've ever gone over 24 hrs without sending a message of some sort in over a year and a half... I'm feeling the sting of it.

Sorry to Suck, Swallow and Run...But...

Doing something today that I haven't done in a long time, taking time out of my day to sit down and write up a proper blog post. It seems like since the beginning of the year I haven't really sat down and typed out the stuff that rolls around in my head. I know why part of that is and I may finally touch on that today. The long of it is...this is likely to be a pretty long blog  post that goes a bit everywhere.

Not even sure where to start...

Been taking a more proactive stance when it comes to derby. Trying to do what I can to keep the forward momentum with the league going. Offering suggestions and help when and where I can to different people and committees. So far since the restructuring people seem very open to it. Let's hope it keeps going that way. I have had a couple of issues with  a couple of the refs who seem to be on a power trip of sorts but hopefully that's getting sorted out.
Our next round of games starts again in September...as does the next set of FM training. So that means more intake sessions. Hopefully switching up the format for that...wish me luck.

A couple of weeks ago I told the Man that I missed seeing #DD every day...then #DD called me and asked me about coming back to the farm for cherry sorting.
I love #DD, one of my best guy friends like ever...oddly enough since I don't tend to get too close with dudes until I've slept with them.
I love seeing him every day he's one of those people with the energy that just makes me want to hug them every time I'm near them. Odd reaction but there's a few people like that in my life.
Anyway... I love seeing him every day even though it's not for hangouts...but I dislike the job. I mean I hate anything that is 'work', that's why if I've said it once I've said it a million times, I wasn't built for working...I was built for being a housewife and a porn star.
There are several times a day after noon that I picture myself just walking out and going home...or just killing myself.
There's a couple things that I'm holding onto that stop me from walking out or offing myself... I love #DD and either of those would likely hurt him...I want a new tattoo... and I want to go on a vacation...
If I don't have goals...amirite?

Burton came home for two weeks... it was too short.
I understand that she enjoys being out in Cali and that she now calls that home but she doesn't understand that the reason why she's always so busy when she's back here in Canada is because everyone loves her and they want to soak up as much of her as they possibly can. We all miss her so very much while she's gone and our smiles are all just a tiny bit dimmer for her being gone.
It may bother her a bit when we (her friends and family) talk about wanting her to come back and stay here. There's hardly any jobs here, the weather fucking sucks and is either too hot or too cold, and she feels like a failure at times because of her marriage failing... and yeah all of that stuff sucks. However... she makes everyones life a little brighter, a little bit happier and just that little bit better.
It's why she has so many friends where ever she is... and her Cali friends may have missed her SOOOOOO much while she was gone...but they get her so much more than we do.
I did get to spend quite a bit of time with her and for that I'm grateful. I love Burton. She is my wifey after all.

 Pinky and I have been going to the gym together for a couple of months now (we've even made up names for the regulars, but then we had to switch our schedule and there's not as many regulars we're finding in the evenings as there was in the mornings so we're having to come up with new names for people)...I'm not exactly content with any of my results. I've been going up and down with the same five pounds and it's frustrating the fuck out of me. Trying to clock in harder now though. Last night someone lit a fire under my ass. Out of no where I was on the treadmill doing what was suppose to be our cool down after our leg day work out (which I levelled up at all the machines), I started running. I ran for a minute straight at 4mph, then after a couple of minutes of walking at 2mph again I started to run this time at 4.5 mph, then back down to 2 mph...after a couple more minutes was running at 5 mph...and then for the very last minute before the 5 minute cool down I was running at 5.5 mph.

Anyone who knows me knows that I do not run....like ever. Mainly because I don't breathe properly, I dislike the feel of my fat jiggling while I run and I'm always concerned about my boobs and how much they bounce even in a sports bra.
But fuck it... I work out so that I can feel better...and one day I will look great naked...too myself. I put that clarifier in there because I've had people tell me that I look good naked... I just give them the stop trying to placate me look.
In the vein of working out...I wiggled my way into Burton and her big brothers weight loss challenge...have from a week ago to December to lose as much weight as I can.
My ideal goal is to be a very fit 170 to 175 pounds in the end.

I decided to 'Adult-up' (rather than man up) and used some funds that came in on fixing up my car rather than just blowing it on other shit.  I mean I did take the Boychild out for a breakfast just the two of us and splurged and bought a bunch of crap for our Borderlands 2 day and I bought dinner for Sugarbear and I. Other than that though...it mostly stayed in my account so that I could get the car fixed.
And today my car got her bum fixed. She no longer clunkclunks over bumps and potholes... her upper strut/shock mounts needed to be replaced. She sounds good now. There's a couple of other things that the lovely mechanic has said she needs but for now she is good, this makes me a happy camper. The brakes didn't need to be done like we had thought and it wasn't that the shocks and struts needed to be done...just the mounts. So we saved a bunch of money on all of that. The mount replacement even came in under the quoted price.

Ok so since I finally mentioned him in the last paragraph...here goes some rewinding in regards to Sugarbear (SB).
In March he lost both matriarchal and patriarchal figures of his family. However things had been over with us before that... we had gotten to this boyfriend/girlfriend point of our relationship and it seemed unwanted after the new year. Couple of fights in February where he told me straight out that I was nothing but a 'fling and a fuck' and that there was no fucking way that I would ever be meeting his children and that he would never ever love me.
Thinking (and maybe hoping) that it was because of the stress he was under with his parents both being ill and not seeming to find any resolution to his mothers illness.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt but pretty much was like ok no more exclusivity since I am not wanted in the capacity I was being put into.
We continued to stay in touch while he drove back and forth to St Catharines, Sudbury, and Angus. I would tell him that I love him, accidentally one day on the phone he said it back, he then got flustered and just hung up quickly after saying bye. I knew he meant nothing by it though, it was out of habit from all the family he had been talking on the phone, no doubt.
After the passing of his mum I tried to be there for him for whatever it was he needed. He even reached out the day his father passed and sent me a few messages asking me to call him, when I did that's when I found out about his dad.
(I was very confused as to why he didn't just send me a message to tell me about his passing like he had with his mum, but I wasn't about to question him about that especially not on the phone. I've since had a friend tell me that I may have become a touchstone for SB. Possible but he is such a hard man to figure out at times.)
When he had taken a week at home I had grown concerned about his well being (obviously!) especially when I found out that he hadn't been eating properly, was drunk in the middle of the day and not sleeping more then a few minutes to an hour at any given time.
And it was just before his birthday...
He didn't take to kindly to my trying to be helpful or supportive... at the end of the week he lashed out and yelled at me for doing the dishes, for buying him a birthday present, insinuated that I was untrustworthy and demanded his house key back.
I understand lashing out in anger (especially whilst grieving). What I think hurt the most from that encounter on the 28th of March was the insinuation that I was some how untrustworthy, a sneak or that I would some how damage his house.
I got it that he doesn't love me, I got that he doesn't want to 'be with me', I got that he needed time to himself to adjust to having to now take care of everything and everyone in his family, I even got that when hurting sometimes some people don't want anyone around them for awhile..what I didn't get was how he could accuse me of being untrustworthy, I never gave him any cause to think I would do anything untoward. I was hurt and confused and angry (oh so very angry) that someone that I trusted with all of me would think so little of me.

After that happened I had asked him if he could put out on his front porch the presents for the Boychild that I had been hiding at his place, he did...he also bagged up all the stuff I had in his bathroom (he use to let me take baths at his place to help my joints and back after derby and even when I was working last season because I don't have a tub that works properly). I'm not sure why that hurt so bad but it did, it seemed like he didn't want me in his life anymore. I was so very sad.

I didn't see him again until almost mid May... I let him know that I had missed him as my friend. I missed hanging out with him on the deck and listening to tunes. Yeah sure I missed the awesome sex as well but I really missed talking with him. His response was just a very quiet 'I just said I needed some time and space.' which I found interesting since he had been telling our friends that 'it's over' with the two of us. Which wasn't false, just he was a bit behind when I had been telling others that already. I wasn't confused about whether or not we were still 'together', I had been confused as to which level of friendship we would be at now (at that point).
The one year from our first date was like the celebration of a great year we had had together and the end of it.
The universe then said 'oh yeah you guys had a great time quietly hanging out together, having all kinds of awesome sex, fun times, and parties for the last year...well try this on for size now.'

I will always have love in my heart for Sugarbear, as I do with all my friends.However, he called me untrustworthy, creepy, unlovable, and nothing but a 'fling and a fuck'. Even in your darkest hour you don't shit on your loved ones like that.

It's in that moment that every you're amazing, awesome, beautiful, great, sexy and so forth is just wiped away in one foul swoop.
I once asked him while laying in bed together how he knew that I loved him, his answer was 'Because you put up with all of my shit.'
It's been quite a journey for our friendship this past 7 months. I'm very happy to report that we've been hanging out again, have had a few meals together. Gone to a few derby games together, he came to see my games this past season. It is still mainly one sided, as in I'm the one that does all the texting and inviting but...at least it's something. He is my favourite after all.

There's some people I will just keep trying with. As can be seen with Sugarbear and Bing.
There comes a time where with some I will just shrug and say I tried. I'm getting to that point with Baker. Seems I was a great person to talk to, hang out with and sometimes fuck, as long as he didn't have an online girlfriend. Suddenly he gets an online girlfriend and doesn't have time for friends like me anymore. I can't be cheeky with him anymore, or joke with him, or even go out on a movie date with him and his boychild because god forbid he might be away from his phone (or she'll be thinking that he's on a date!!).
Proved it again at sushi dinner with Burton when he spent more time on his phone, and I felt I couldn't talk to him because he had his dumb bluetooth earpiece in his ear all during the dinner.
I hope he and his online insecure girlfriend are very happy and have many virtual babies together. Yes. I am bitter.
I have very few people that I allow that close to me and feel like I've been duped when one of them just drops me like a hot stone.
Again...another time that every you're amazing, awesome, understanding, magical and one of my most trusted friends, is all just wiped away in one foul swoop.

Bing is getting married. I'm waiting for my invitation to come in the mail. I think when it comes I'll invite my sexy ass wife to go with me. Sounds like it could be lots of fun.

Amazing.... Awesome... Sexy... Incredible... Magical... Goddess-like... Unique... Fantastic... Fabulous... those are some of the words that men have used to describe me... Delicious... Divine... Tight... Drenched... Soaking... Warm... Out of this World... these some of the words (with the first set as well) that have been used by men to describe my pussy... welcome to the TMI and more graphic portion to the post...

I've had lip service from many a men...and that's not a euphemism... many have told me that I'm 'fucking amazing' when it comes to the bedroom sexxors and all the playing that goes with it...

So... why the fuck is it that I cannot get laid when I want and by whom it is I want?

Half the time I feel like I have to convince, persuade, or talk someone into having sex with me. My expectations too high...my views too narrow... my libido just so high?

For a year I was getting laid nearly 6 to 8 times per weekend..and oh my god that was the best ever...so much fun...and was so satisfying...
Now I'm getting laid on average about once a week. I'm really sexually frustrated half the time and most likely bugging the fuck out of my favourite boy with the requests for sex... the others have gone... mother issues... one lives with his mother and son (and a gf - but she's not in the house) and another just had to move his mother into his house...

Don't understand what the problem is... a woman who is apparently awesome and amazing in the sack wants to suck and fuck your cock on a regular basis with no relationship strings attached...how is this a bad thing?

*shrugs*
Maybe I'm too demanding.

Other than my extremely high libido I think I'm fairly low maintenance... I definitely don't spend $200 a week on fucking salon visits...lmao

and on that note...

I want some ice cream.

Post Beaver Bash

I'm not dead... :)

I thoroughly enjoyed Fridays game...a lot more then most games I've played in.
I was on team Gayme Changers (the other team was Wheels of Equality...bit rubbish name but enh). I  was absolutely fucking tickled pink to find out that I was going to be on the same team as Fraxxure. She gives me lady boners in my derby shorts.

I was nervous as hell. Like genuinely scared. I don't tend to tell too many people those sorts of things especially when it's happening. Too vulnerable.

There was really only two people that I let on to that I was scared. SB and Bing.

SB had told me a couple weeks beforehand that he wouldn't be coming to the game. Saw him the night before and got a really nice massage from him after having some pho together. It helped calm my nerves a bit. He never really does the 'you can do it' sort of bit...but doesn't tell me I can't either...lol
I messaged him in the late morning while he was at work (figuring he'd get the msg later) just telling him how I was really bloody nervous.
Long and short of it...he ends up telling me he's gonna go...and then even offered to drive (does  have a spiffy lil car now...) colour me surprised. It was really nice of him. Even now it still calms my nerves to see him trackside. Friendly face and all, especially when most of my friends play or volunteer.

Before I knew SB was coming I ended up talking to Bing on the phone... it's been nearly 3 years since we've spoken on the phone.
It was a bit like old times...ended up telling him how bloody scared I was of the game later that evening.
He calmed me down by doing his whole 'this isn't anything you haven't done before' talk...which was sweet.

My aunt and uncle didn't make it to the game unfortunately...all the traffic that my waze app got us around on our way up...they hit. So they ended up turning around.

The game was great fun. The halftime drag show was awful...the girls needed better lessons in makeup and needed to learn their songs better. Hopefully with some more practice they'll be better.

The car ride was even fun with 3 of my favourite dudes...

However there's something I'm noticing... I'm incredibly horny for a couple of days after playing in a game.

Something that I didn't really have a problem with last season...this season though... having a harder time scratching that particular itch.
It's been annoying and slightly frustrating.

Going to have to find an after bouts bloke apparently.

Oh well... next game is this coming Saturday... first home game with my brand new team. Should be fun.

All The Derby!

Practices, scrimmages, and games...oh my!

There's also team meetings, league meetings and committee meetings...oh joy.

This week is yet another derby filled week...

Mondays I'm running an NSO training clinics each week to teach volunteers the non-skating official positions...
Tuesdays I have practice.
Wednesday (this week) I have a Team Meeting
Thursday is practice/scrimmage night
Friday...oooo Friday I have a game in Kitchener.

Other weeks I'll have a league meeting or a committee meetings on a Wednesday.

I am in desperate need of a massage...so...something may have to give this week so that I can barter to get one.

I love derby and it's been a saving grace in my life...from Bing to SB...to dealing with all the deaths...to just staying active...
Sometimes it just starts to take over my life...and I'm thinking it might just take over my June...

If I get a spot in all the games that I've put my name in for I'd be playing on the 5th, 13th, 20th, 25th, and 27th...

So far 5th is confirmed...13th and 27th are my home team games...20th would be an away home team game in Ajax/Durham and the 25th would be a pick up game in Toronto...

I'm really excited.

I also think I'm a bit crazy.

Glad Pinky is taking me to the gym every week day...gotta get this mass into some shape...

Also need to find somewhere to get some rest and relaxation...

Oh Beaver Fever...

Oh holy shit...

I woke up yesterday to The Man walking into my room telling me that I've been selected to play in the co-ed scrimmage at the Beaver Fever tournament in Waterloo/Kitchener on May 9th.

I was barely awake...could barely open my eyes to see anything as I tried to pick up my phone.

As I lay there in  my bed yawning my face off and trying to wake up and look at my phone with one eye open and one closed.

Sure as shit...there's a lineup change on team Cubs. I had been on the wait list for the last two months and now suddenly I was listed to play.

Because I hadn't heard anything back yet I had put myself as 'not going' to the tournament only a day or two previous.

Well....shit.

Now I was awake and thinking about how the hell I was going to get there and how the hell was I going to find the money to pay for the scrimmage...not once has the thought of 'you can't afford this and you don't have a ride' popped into my head.

So much for the whole 'meh I have a month at least until I play another game...it'll give my knee a rest...'

Open scrimmage...skaters of every level...beginner to veterans...co-ed... Cubs vs Cougars

Beaver Fever here I come.

Not Holding My Breath

I was really angry...no wait...trying to practice precision of language...
I was disappointed, and my feelings were hurt, when I had found out on Sunday that I had been forgotten about again.

Most everyone in my close circle of friends know that I've had a bitch of a time this year (again) trying and training my ass off so that I could pass my minimums testing to play derby again this season. Trials and tribulations...and so forth. Among those who knew what a hard time I was having is my mother and my sister.

Thankfully the Tuesday before the big day I had shown enough improvement in my time for my laps that I  was allowed through. I got 24 and a half...was reaching for 25.
However, I digress.

So I find out I'm playing in the second game. I tell my friends and family.

My mother tells me she'll be there...even up until the night before.

Saturday comes and I'm working the penalty box for the first game. I see Baker show up... I see my aunt and uncle show up...
Second game comes around...that's it. Just Baker and my aunt and uncle. Can't see my Sister or Mother anywhere. I keep checking my phone... I gear up and play the first half... I check my phone again... nothing... no calls... no messages... nothing.
I go play the second half...having the time of my life but still in the back of my mind thinking 'where the heck are they...'

I am a mum...so I go back and forth between worry, disappointment, anger...etc.

I send my mum a text when I get to the bar...asking wtf... not quite like that...but...

No response.

I wake up the next morning... I'm fucking sore... I'm really happy... my team won by 2 points...it was a great game...

Then I check my phone.

I had gotten a message from my mum.

I'm sorry we didn't make it to your game. We were decorating Manchilds bedroom and lost track of time. We didn't even eat dinner until 8:30p and that's when I realized I was suppose to be in St Catharines.
Did your team win?

I lost it. It angered me so much to have been forgotten.

I've mentioned it before here on my blog about my childhood and growing up. All my life they would forget about me.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm overly considerate and compassionate at times because of their inconsideration.

Hell my dad didn't even acknowledge that I had game or make any mention of possibly coming. He doesn't let me down, because he never raises my expectations.

Last season... they all made it to 1 game... out of 4.

The man (SB) I was fucking had been more supportive last season then my own parents.

I would have said family there but...my Aunt and Uncle made it out to 3 of my 4 games together...and my uncle came out to the 4th one by himself.

This is why I gather close friends and then consider them family, and have trust issues...lol

Anyway...here's to hoping I might get a couple more friends out willing to watch some derby.

Your Life. Your choices.

Some days are really easy...other days it takes everything you have to not fall off the side of the cliff of life.

There are many issues I deal with every day...
Heart condition, respiratory issues, dietary restrictions, depression, anxiety, anti-socialism, etc.

Throughout my life I've taken on different sorts of mottos, cliches, sayings, quotes, analogies, ways, beliefs.

One of the ones that has stuck around the longest is Life is comprised of the choices you make.
Pretty simple, right?

If you make the decision to say or do something, that was your choice.
I dislike when people say 'I had (have) no choice.' Because it's just plain false.

Sometimes the choice is the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life.

You can choose to forgive someone of their transgressions or you can choose to cut them from your life, after 20 years.

You can choose to uproot yourself and your family and move to another country, or you can stay where you are.

Life is choices.

Those choices come in all sizes...from the tiniest of 'what socks do I wear today' to the biggest of life changing choices.

A lot of people will make their choices depending on what others might say or do...
'I can't move to B.C. my family will be upset.'
'I can't date that person, my family won't like it.'

Sometimes that should be taken into consideration like 'I can't tell this client to fuck off, my boss won't like it and I'll lose my job.'

Generally I say... make the choices based off of your own opinions and your own information.
Judge others on what they have done to you or said to you. (Well unless they kill and/or maim people...but you catch my drift.)

Making decisions about your life based on other peoples input gives them an awful lot of power over your life.
It's one thing to ask for the advice of others...that's a bit different. You've asked their opinion.

When you are considering a decision about something in your life and you find yourself thinking about what your kids, friends, family, coworkers etc. might think, that's you basing your decision off what they would want instead of what you may need or want.

Now...
I'm not perfect...obviously.

I am currently in the midst of a huge life decision. I find myself thinking a lot about what others might say and/or do when I come to the end of my decision-making process.

Thankfully one of my tiny voices keeps reminding me to refrain from doing that and it also says...if you want to know what they would think...then ask them.

This is why I'm an advocate for children making decisions from the start. So when it comes time for them to make the big decisions in their lives once older they're not depending on others opinions to make up their minds.

I started with my issues at the beginning because I have had people tell me I shouldn't be playing derby because of the health issues I have.

I made the choice to join derby and don't really care what others think about it...mainly because... it's been the best thing to help me deal with the rest of my life.

If You're Falling, You're Trying...

It's one if the things we hear all the time at derby practice...

Let's just say I was trying my ass off tonight. lol

I'm sitting here devouring two pieces of chicken after practice with a huge grin on my face.

Practice was great...it wasn't any different then most practices.

Did some warm ups...did some hitting drills...and then...scrimmaged.

I'm sweaty...stinky...and physically exhausted and in pain...definitely need to find a tub...

But I am happier then I have been in weeks and weeks.

No I still haven't passed my laps...and no I may not get to play in next weeks game...

Yet I have a shit eating grin on my face...even though I got a cutting penalty and an insubordination penalty during the scrimmage...
Hey I needed to take a minute...lol

I got lead jam twice out of three times jamming.

The feel at practices is so much different. People are way more encouraging of each other.
We have new teams...new team names...new team mates...
It's way more awesome.

Though in the last couple of weeks there has been a tonne of people telling me I have small feet.

I've just recruited 15 new people for the Freshmeat program.

We're going to have a full year type of schedule...with games in April, May and June
Going to slow down in July and August...and then go back to a game schedule in September.

So happy we have a year round home!

Team names...
Rink Rash Rebels
Sisters of Anarchy
Doomsday Darlings

Not sure if I'm supposed to say anything...so...shh...lol

Oh! I'm a Sister of Anarchy. I totally want to rock a nuns habit at least once...lmao
I do have a costume...muahaha...

I'm in such a happy place right now. Even though I have a reoccurring bruise on my toe...it's weird.

Ready to Rumble

So today is the day...

I pack up my derby gear and head up to Kitchener this evening to play in my first ever away from my league scrimmage. I suppose technically it's not my first because I did scrimmage up in Ancaster as well...but some of them feel like part of my league.

There's 4 of us from NRG that are headed up there tonight...3 of us are on the same team...so that makes me feel a bit better.

I'm really going to miss Sugarbear tonight. I loved during the last season being able to look down the straight away from the pivot line to see him sitting there watching. Made me feel less nervous. That's why I liked spending the mornings of game days with him as well...he would keep me calm and I wouldn't feel all jittery.

And truthfully would much have him in Kitchener tonight then heartbroken over the loss of his parents up North. If wishes were nickels...but anyway...

So...it's a co-ed scrimmage tonight. I've never played against guys before...from what I've seen there's one on each of the teams. One thing I can say is I've already skated at the venue so at least I don't have to wonder too much about what the floor is like.

Also...first game/scrimmage where I will be donning my new name...

What made me sign up for this again??

This too shall pass?

Usually people have that one person they find solace in.
That one person where just being in their presence silently (or not) they begin to feel better about steesses or anxiety. Talking to that person can make them smile. That person telling them 'you can do this'...'you got this'... or something similiar makes them feel like they can take on the world.
That person  where they just need to hug them and you can feel the stress drain from your muscles.

Those people are special...we keep them close...and likely (for most) never tell them what they mean to us.

Mine keep leaving me....
That seems really dramatic but very true.

Krammit moved away so I don't get to see her much anymore.
Burton moved to Cali...so definitely a lot harder to get hugs. Still end up talking, but not the same.
Minner is in prison...and I still haven't been able to bring myself to write him yet.
Squasha is on another continent which makes it difficult to have a conversation.
Bing is busy and although we talk I know he's not comfortable with some topics anymore. And of course lives in Nevada.
Roo had moved to the other side of the continent so we don't get to talk to much anymore either.

It makes it very hard to be able to just quietly hug someone and cuddle away some stress...when no one is in the same city.

Sugarbear... he just lost his mum. Not like I can seek comfort from someone who I so badly feel needs comforting himself. As much as I really want to cuddle with him, I know he needs his time to grieve for his mum in his own way.

I see the derby girls making plans with their wives...small groups of them going off together for nights out...
I get a twinge of loneliness....wishing my Krammit and Burton were closer.

I have the one person I find solace in...
When sad or angry or depressed I send them a message and hope that they message me back...and when they do it doesn't matter what  we talk about I immediately start to feel better.
Sometimes I don't know what exactly to say so I send them an emoticon...and just getting an emoticon back helps.
It's  the reaching out for human contact, when reciprocated makes me smile.

As anti-social as I am... I recognize that I do need to have contact with other people.

I just need to find some that are  more available...literally, and emotionally.

I just have a hard time clicking and connecting with people.

So right now I'm in that mode where all I want to do is curl up silently and cuddle until next week.

Instead... been throwing myself into derby.
So now...just lonely and sore...

Sorry...not a happier post.

Did get the lineups for next weeks scrimmage in Kitchener...I am literally going to get my  ass handed to me. I'm at least excited about that.

Distractions and Decisions

There's so very much I want to say...

So many words banging around in my head...but they're not ready...

It would come out in a jumbly mumbly mess of emotional vitriol...
Nearly biting off the tip of my tongue.

So many topics...so many things happening...

I feel like if I try to express myself now that I'm making it about me...

Full moon tomorrow.

I didn't get to skate yesterday... weather and roads were shitty... didn't make it to Kitchener on Friday either... HARD practice isn't happening tomorrow... so I'll go to my own practice and then make my way to Kitchener on Friday...

Having yesterday and today derby free is good...feel like it's been all derby all the time lately.

I do need to complete my art piece for the upcoming art show...and also going to start doing some research into what it takes to run a derby tournament so I can write up a proposal.
Go big or go home...right?

I have given the fundraising committee a list of 31 possible fundraisers ... the chair nearly fell out of her chair...lol

The info session that was on Monday was a bust...sort of figured it would be. Have another on Sunday...pretty sure this one might be a bust as well...but we'll see.

Keeping distracted with derby is helping a bit...not as much as before.

Lots of thoughts...need to update my CV...need to find some employment...

Escapism though is my forte...so watching shows and knitting...

All The Skating.

Wow...is it really only Wednesday night?

This week has been full but good...
Went up to the HARD leagues practice to watch them scrimmage...within 10 minutes of being there was asked why I didn't have my skates on...and why I wasn't scrimmaging with them... I admitted to Mama that it's because I'm a chicken shit to skate with them...
After watching them, Mama asked if I was kicking myself in the ass because I didn't skate... I told her maybe a little...

They skate so fast... however I will be going to their  practice tomorrow.

I want to try both NRG and HARD for the  next while...

Tuesday I had a job interview at noon... haven't heard anything back yet...but then it was just yesterday...

Last night I went to practice and manage to do all 3 hrs of it...felt good but I need to push harder...hence why I'm going to HARD again tomorrow night instead of my practice...

Last Friday I made it up to Kitchener  (much thanks to Sugarbear for that) Tri-City is doing a 'Learn to Skate' clinics for four weeks...last week was the first one. Even though they went right back to the very basics I still learned a bunch...
Can't wait to go back....

Going to have to bite the bullet and drive up there myself in my car. I've asked a few people about getting a ride...2 said they would but this coming Friday they have plans already...and the others said no...
So I'll keep fingers crossed and prayers upon my lips that I make it there and back in my car.

Tonight was a slow night... went and met with another of my league mates and discussed fundraising ideas. I've updated and reworked the paperwork for the upcoming info sessions. Made up an information brochure for the league as well.

Now...watching a movie...going to work on a bit of knitting...and then bed...

I Am...

Hm...
What  to say...

I'm fairly straightforward with people. I tell you what I need right up front. Honesty and straightforwardness are two things I require in any sort of relationship...whether I am mother, daughter, wife, friend, lover, sister, or acquaintance... these are the two things that I expect.
I don't see how these things have to be asked for and not just freely given.

When you lie to me I know... I will not always call you out on it... I'll likely nod and just mhm quietly... making a mental note that I can no longer trust you.

Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

Life is so much easier. Do not worry about hurting  feelings if it is  the truth that you speak. You hurt others with lies and disrespect.

Life goes on. Fun shall be had.

Going forward in my life I'll be making some changes... they've already started.

More fun... fucking... and skating...

I've changed my derby name. So I am no longer Raenbow Slash... I am Taboma.
The next 4 Fridays I'll be driving to Kitchener to get some skating help from some of the Tri-City Roller Girls...
I've decided I'm going to get up to Ancaster and get some skating help from the girls from HARD...
I've put my all into planning for the new intake for my league...
Also sent in and offered my help for aome upcoming fundraisers as well...
I'm sure I'm likely to complain about all sorts of it in the days to come...lol

My health...
I do have an appointment with Dr Awesome on the 2nd of March...
My stomach has been much better since this past Monday... (family day).
Some mornings it is a bit touchy still...but the full blown nauseousness I had been feeling is gone. The smell of food cooking doesn't make me feel like I want to puke. I can cook again without mouth breathing to try not to smell it.
My shakes have subsided...and I haven't dropped anything in at least a few days.
Now if only I could get away from at least one of my addictions...the most harmful being the sugars.
The other...not as harmful...actually much much more pleasurable.

My love life...
Ah well...that's a bit of a story...which I'm not telling right now.

I'm looking for a job. I probably will go back to the farm and do more fruit packing...but I do need to find something else as well.
Need some monies for derby stuff...for passport...for activities...for the car.... oh for lots of things...

Until I can find a rich sugar daddy who just wants to lavish me with gifts and money just for being cute and keeping him company...I'll have to find another way....lmao

I have finished some commisioned pieces that I was knitting. Now I'd like to make myself something.

I have thoughts on a few things that I need to really sit down and type up...instead of updating via my phone...would make typing out a post so much easier.

Doc Awesome

I called Dr Awesome's office today... I've not seen him since October...

I'm terrified.

I'm shaking...my insides are shaking...which is not a cool feeling. I have a quivering feeling inside my chest, which gets my heart all retarded.
My stomach is a mess... it hurts and I'm nauseous all the time...
I had the bright idea this morning of taking 1 gravol to help calm my stomach so I could go about my day... yeah...no. It knocked me on my ass and put me to sleep for 5 hours...which was probably good because I haven't been sleeping well.
But didn't do anything for my nausea because I woke up this afternoon still feeling light headed and pukey...

I've managed to eat some salad that was leftover from the weekend...but when I finished it... the nauseous feeling got worse...

I need to leave in 15 minutes to go to my derby practice...I'm practising with the Freshmeat tonight because I think it would be beneficial for getting my wheels back under me...and I'm hoping it's not as intense so that I can make it through the whole practice.

So yeah I have an appointment with Dr Awesome...however it's not until March 9th...

The only thing (besides stress) that I can relate all this health crap to is that the last weekend of January I sort of overdid it with the sugar...

So here's to me sorting this shit out so it'll stop me from doing stupid things...because it always cranks my anxiety up to high when shit starts going down.


More later about how I fair at practice while feeling this off.

Death, Prison, Dates, Babies and Derby

I'm not even sure where to start this blog post...I'm so far behind in news and thoughts and ramblings...

Not even sure how far back I need to go to try to catch up either...or if I should start with the good news or the bad...

My step father passed away at the beginning of November...the first day of it actually. He was the third of the groups of deaths that have happened in the latter half of the year. Cancer ate away his insides and he just couldn't fight it any more.

The next day Krammit gave birth to her beautiful twins...it was a bit scary for a minute or two...but everyone came out of it and  Jack and Wyatt are beautiful and two of the best babies ever.

After Al's funeral I found out that Biff my favourite Lion ever had passed away, there was no service for him... just the knowledge that in March when I go to the convention I won't get to see him...I won't get my annual picture of me sitting on his lap and having him give me advice on dirty old men.

I went to go visit Krammit and all her boys for nearly a week and it was such a great reprieve from life...I had started to get so depressed and just snuggling and loving the babies and seeing my Krammit for 5 days was just awesome.

Went to the roller derby end of the season party with both Sugarbear and The Man... There aren't words to describe how much I love that I can go out with the both of them and not have to answer to many questions.

At this point I'm not too sure about continuing on with roller derby. I've not been able to pay my dues for December, still need to come up with money for my annual insurance and money for my January dues... may need to sell a kidney to continue.

December brought on the stress of having to deal with my landlords and their thoughts that some how their lack of upkeep of the property is some how our fault. They came back a second day in a row with a paper saying that they'll be raising the rent as of March first...The Man sort of gave our notice...let's see if the landlord takes him seriously...they only thing I've heard from them is that she sent me a text asking me for a measurement for the back door...
So we'll see on the first if we are actually going to give our notice. I think it's time.
I don't want to move. I hate moving...I've moved a lot...like...a lot.
If they're not going to take care of the place and we have to pay more in rent then...what else can I really do... *le sigh*

It hasn't been all bad...?

I did get sick last week...and this past weekend was awesome and horrible all at the same time...
Last Tuesday I seemed to wake up with something horrible living in my head and throat...Wednesday was a bit touch and go as to whether or not I might have had to go to the hospital...thankfully my body decided to take pity on me and just make me feel like hell. My heart didn't go batty thankfully.

This Monday (the 22nd) was the one year mark for Sugarbear and I...went by really fast it seems. He made Saturday awesome. He brought me home a beautiful bouquet of flowers on Friday, which made me blush since before I saw them I was joking about him being spoiled. We went out for breakfast on Saturday (I was and am still, feeling a bit crappy, but I was told he was taking me out for dinner so I was determined to feel well). We went to the Keg in the Falls, had a good view, and a really yummy meal. I have to say that this visit was much better then our last one (which was our first date...lol) we were so much more comfortable with each other now and so it was just a really good time. After supper we went to Timmies and grabbed a hot chocolate and a tea, then drove down through the festival of lights and through Dufferin Island. Then headed home where I forced him to sit through the Nightmare before Christmas (because hello...everyone should see that movie... Best Christmas movie and Best Hallowe'en movie...) I then got him to open up his presents... we then went on to celebrate Christmas downstairs...

Sunday I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck... Sugarbear was a sweetheart (as he almost always is) he ran me a bath and then made me some brunch and just let me lay around most of the afternoon...which made me feel bad since he was running about cleaning up and such. We ended up going to the bakery but I think that was about it.

A bit of a back story for a moment... My friend Codex who was a diabetic and having some renal issues failed to report on the 17th for his dialysis, nurses at the hospital were concerned and made a call for a welfare check. Where he was found unresponsive in his apartment and rushed to the hospital. The found after a ct scan that no neurological activity was happening. They (his mother and sister) then started calling friends and family from out of town to come and say their goodbyes to him.
He wasn't even 30 fucking years old.

On Sunday at 6pm I got a text from Codex's mother that he was gone now. On the Winter Solstice, his favourite night of the year. The night the light starts to come back. The night that the dark times is officially over...

I'm so tired of death. After this dark time...too many people have slipped through the veil.

Twice now I've been with Sugarbear when I've gotten the news of someone passing. I was eating breakfast with him when I found out about Al...and he was making supper when I found out about Codex.

I stayed at Sugarbears house Monday, Tuesday and then came home on Wednesday... I still wasn't feeling well. But I was also using it as a hidey hole...I didn't want to leave...I didn't want to deal with the world (I still really don't want to). I love that Sugarbear let's me use his place as a sanctuary away from the bright noisy world... He's up North with his family celebrating the holiday...

Tomorrow...err...Today... I'll be heading to Mum's to go do the Christmas thing. I was talking to her on the phone earlier and couldn't stop myself from breaking down... Yesterday I just wanted to get into my car and drive to go see my mum...The Man had the car...and I didn't know what I would say when I got there...

I have these moments where I think about how Barium doesn't have her father tomorrow... Oakie doesn't have Judy this Christmas... my Mum won't have Al to snuggle with tomorrow... We won't be watching Codex's cat for him while he goes to visit his mum... Biff won't be able to see what Santa brought for his grandkids... and my beautiful beautiful friend Moon won't get to see her only child open her gifts when the sun comes up... and I just well up and start to cry.

I just want to curl up in Sugarbears big comfy bed and shut the doors...

Earlier tonight was just awful... I was trying to be in a good mood and was laughing and joking about with the Boychild...apparently The Man was annoyed and we were entertained by annoying him further...so he stormed off.
Boychild tried so very hard to cheer me up afterwards...he is such a sweet kid...he shouldn't have to deal with my depression. Standing hugging his mum in the middle of the living room while she cries because she's angry at the world and annoyed with his fathers behaviour, and frustrated that everything just seems like it's going to shit.

And we've been trying to figure out how we can get up North (5 hr drive) on the 28th for Codex's memorial service. The Man and I both really want to go... Frankly I don't like the thought of travelling for 5 hours, saying good bye to a friend and then travelling another 5 hours home again.

Was hard to not think of DrunkenMonkey today and wonder how he's doing. It was his birthday. He just turned 35...in prison.  I have talked to his mum this week to see how he is, to see how she is, and to see if I would be able to mail him a letter.
I know what he did is wrong on so very many levels, but somewhere deep inside me I can't just turn my back on him. I know some people think I'm crazy and think I should just wash my hands of him and be done with it.

So what's coming up...?

Going to make dinner on Saturday for my dad his gf, and our friends The Farmer and Femme, as well as my 4. Not the biggest crowd I've cooked for but still a good size.

Sugarbear and I (and The Man) are having a bit of a gathering for New Years Eve... the Boychild will be there, it'll really be the first time he's really kind of hung out with Sugarbear. We're going to fondue it up with The Farmer and Femme. Hoping that Nickle will be there, maybe Pinky (miss him).
I've invited some others... starting to think that Leethal and Punisher aren't really interested with maintaining a friendship with us any more. I hardly hear from them, and seems when I do text it's not really ever a good time. Invited them to come out on NYE but I think they're sort of waiting to see if something better comes along. At least...that's how it feels. Who knows.
Been a year and I know she still seems to get amazed and weirded out about the whole situation of the three of us...lol

Beyond that... I have no idea.

I'm hoping for at least month off from going to funerals or having someone I know passing away...that would be lovely.

In good news...

I found a Target gift card on my desk that has fifty bucks on it.
I'm still not smoking.
I'm still enjoying my knitting.
My kids are healthy.
I love The Man and Sugarbear... and I'm fairly certain they both love me.

Good Night.

Merry Christmas.

Other Things...

Well now that that last post is out of the way I may actually be able to talk of other things.

I know that we're heading into the dark times again, it's that time of the year again. But holy shit it's sort of coming on with a vengeance this time. So many deaths, and dying going on right now that I'm feeling very empty and hollow. Like someone pulled the plug without telling me and I'm suddenly just completely drained. Being around most people is annoying me. What most people are saying is annoying me. I love Autumn, but when we head into the dark times I just want to crawl into a comfy bed and snuggle with one of my men and just say fuck it to the rest of the world.
However, Life doesn't lend itself very well to that idea, it requires me to get up out of bed and do stuff.
Sometime I would like to just stay at home (and for the most part in bed) for an entire winter. Doubt it's doable.

I judge people very harshly, I'm not sure why. I know I'm doing it and therefore can curb that somewhat but for the most part I hold people up to these ridiculously high standards. I get angry at them when they do something I wouldn't do. I don't tell them I'm angry, I just sort of mull it over and process it until I'm alright with it.
Sometimes a comment here and there will slip out, or a certain type of vernacular will be used and people will pick up on it, but I try really hard to help it nowadays.
It generally boils down to the fact that I am a selfish horrible person.


Just a statement of fact... I hate when Sugarbear is gone for two weeks...I get a bit bitchy and moody...
I also hate when The Man is gone for 2 weeks in and around the same time that Sugarbear is gone for two weeks. I seem to get extra bitchy and moody.

I have however gotten a hat and cowl set knitted in the time they were both gone. I should have been over at SB's place finishing up the inside of the house for the Hallowe'en party... but sometimes I get a bit lonely there without him.

I explained to SB a couple weeks ago the Man's and my situation a bit better, since he seemed afterward to understand it (from what he said). Not exactly sure where that leaves us.
Seems he didn't get the whole picture the first time around of trying to explain it to him, but anyway...

Few weeks ago...SB sort of took over the role of Big Daddy in my life... after it happened I found myself almost grieving the loss of Bing. I had wanted to talk with Bing about it (much to the chagrin of a few others I suspect). I didn't end up getting to talk to him about it, so decided to just leave it. I'm feeling better and SB is a new and yet fairly good Big Daddy. I have been enjoying this new addition to the non-relationship relationship (dating exclusively and only fucking each other, but not in a relationship for the better part of 9 months now...) we have going on. So yeah, again, still unsure where that leaves, besides just going with the flow.

I do need to curb my 'enthusiasm'...yeah we'll use that word for it. Green eyed monster comes out once in awhile and that's just not attractive.

anyway...

Derby... ay yi yi...where to start...actually I'll just say this. If I could afford dues and gas-wise to go elsewhere to play derby, I totally would.


Meh... I don't know what else to write about right now... I'm tired and I just want it to be Friday already.

To Derby or Not To Derby... Anymore.

I'm very near the end of my tether...

Burton kept me going when I broke my ankle... Then the freshmeat group that I got put into last year kept me going... and for a little while recruiting has kept me going...

I'm tired... so tired...

...of being sidelined...
...of having to coach my team instead of playing with them...
...of having to listen to the remarks from my team mates about how I'm getting there...
...of being told I'm not good enough....
...of failing and being humiliated in front of my entire league...
...of being embarrassed by those who ask me how long I've been skating...
...of telling my family that I still don't get to skate in a game...
...of coming home from practices and crying...
...of dreading the thought of going to practice...
...of just not being good enough.

It's been hard going out and recruiting people... telling them how great roller derby is and how much fun they'll have...

I feel like for the last couple of years I've been working my ass off and have had no pay out.

I know that sounds weird that getting to play the game and get hit by other girls is the pay off but in derby it really is. I've been on committees, planned events, done recruiting, bench coached, as well as trying to just get up to par on my skates.

Which the last one just doesn't seem possible any more. I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to others at practice but it happens and frankly there is a couple of people that I look at and think... Really? They did better then me?
Which just makes me get even more down on myself.

After the next bout I'm going to have to seriously sit down and decide if I really want to continue to pay $40 a month to continually break my heart. I would miss a lot of the people...but I wouldn't continue to set myself up just to keep failing.

A lot of people don't get it.

Find something you absolutely love to do that makes you feel amazing... and then have someone tell you for 3 years that no matter how much you love it... you'll never do it... you won't get to know the feeling of putting all that training into effect... it makes me sink further and further into depression.

Got Distracted...

I'm happy.

Yep when have I ever started a post with those three words.

And though I'm happy I've tried really hard to keep it to myself a a couple of close friends... I shouldn't be ashamed of being in a happy place right now... however... it seems like when I'm down, sad or depressed everyone else is happy... and though they may not be down and depressed I do know that most of my friends aren't exactly happy in their current situations... I don't want it to seem like I'm flaunting anything.

I've been so happy and just going with the flow of stuff that I forgot to take my measurements for April...now that it's half way through the month... I've sort of said 'fuck it'.

I got to talk to Burton last night via Skype for nearly 3 hours...she's gotten caught up with some of my favourite (and clean) SugarBear stories... she claims that he isn't real...and that some of the stories are fucking adorable...lol

Kind of wish I had the money to go with her to NYC when she goes to catch the Neil Patrick Harris show on Broadway.

Sent Roo, Squasha, and Bing the dates for the upcoming bouts this season for derby. Roo wants to come up...has to check money and time. Squasha just gave me a thumbs up...mainly because from  Switzerland to Canada...for a derby bout...yeah that's quite the trip... I don't pretend to be that important to anybody...lol However, I figured just in case he was planning a trip back this way in the summer...what's the harm of giving him the dates.
Biggest surprise came from Bing... sent him the dates... and really he was the catalyst for this whole adventure of derby I have been on... so I thought what the heck...figuring that his response would be 'not gonna happen' ... imagine my surprise when that wasn't the answer but instead got a 'I'll see what I can do'...
Would like to have him come and see me...
Would love to have Burton come to a game and bench coach the team, I know the girls would love to see her...and of course I would love to have my wifey at my game.


to be continued...

Sometimes It's Just Silence You Need...

Last night I went to derby practice and sat out, I had one of my team mates skate up to me about half way in and ask me what was broken...generally just her way of asking why I wasn't skating.

Truth is I feel broken... I feel like for the last two weeks there's been some civil unrest within my body as I try to do the battle of staying on track and healthy and not having enough money to stay on track and be healthy.

I would sit at my desk and want to cry at the smell of potatoes cooking in the kitchen because I know that I can't eat them but know that there wasn't much left in the kitchen that I could eat.

I would frown and feel sad when having to put rice on my plate because besides a piece of chicken or pork chop there wasn't anything else that I could eat for dinner.

Then of course I would feel ridiculous because at least I had food in the house where I could provide a 'decent' meal for the rest of my family and I should have felt happy about that, but all I could think about was how much pain that food was going to cause me.

It has caught up to me today and that civil unrest within me has turned into a full scale civil war and the south is unhappy. So many aches in my joints, my back hurts when it's straight...and when I slouch.
I'm on the verge of screaming in anger and screaming in pain...but trying very hard to not scream at all.
I want to cry because now that I know what it feels like to be better it feels a thousand times worse when I am forced to fuck it all up.

My ankle feels like it did when I got the ability to walk on it again after getting my cast off. My knees are not happy campers at all. My sinuses are stuffed and it feels like my head is going to explode from this stupid headache that I have.

I feel like if I open my mouth to hold a 'normal' conversation I'm either going to cry or scream in the persons face that they don't understand what's happening inside of me and how dare they try to talk to me when I'm in so much pain.

When like this you can't see it from the outside, you can't tell I'm in pain, unless you really know me. How am I supposed to expect people to know if I don't tell them. I just can't put into words how much this sucks.

To make things worse since I've decided to start doing the weigh ins again I know there is one coming up and I'm not looking forward to seeing how that is going to turn out. I figure I'll have gained weight and it'll just depress me even more.

On top of all this bullshit with me...

A man I once loved very much, is having his preliminary hearing today, after having been arrested last week.

I was stunned into silence, confusion, disbelief and so many other emotions when I had found out that the DrunkenMonkey had been arrested on 27 counts of sexual abuse of a child, 1 count of continual sexual abuse of a child, 1 count of sexual exploitation of a child, 1 count of  providing alcohol to an under age person, 5 counts of sexual solicitation of a child, 2 counts of endangering the welfare of a child and 2 counts of unlawfully administering drugs.

Yep.

He was held with a $799 600 secured bond.

Yeah been trying to process that for nearly a week. How is it that someone can sink so low?
I knew he needed professional help for his alcohol abuse but he had been going to counselling...

I was thankful that his (now ex) girlfriend had let me know immediately, because people we had mutually known had started to message me with a 'You'll never guess what's going on in Dover.' So thankfully I didn't get blind sided by those who just wanted to gossip and point.

I know what he did is sickening. I feel more disappointed in him then anything else at this point. I would love to have a conversation with him and just say 'What the fuck were you thinking?! She was your 13 year old step daughter. You were supposed to be her Daddy, and protect her from shit like this happening to her, not do it to her.' Well that and 'No seriously, what happened...?'

I've told Krammit and The Man, that at this point after he's found guilty and put in prison I'll just be waiting to get the message that he's been killed. If he ends up in Gen Pop he's a dead man. I will feel bad, and I'm definitely not wanting or wishing for that to happen, but I'm sadly expecting it.

Some Pics...Some Excuses...

I've been sitting here thinking that I really need to get to that post about Ottawa Comic Con and meanwhile other things have come and gone...such as Niagara Falls Comic Con, which of course also means Roo's visit, a couple of derby bouts, how I'm feeling about shit that's been going on, how I don't know how long I'll actually stay in derby, knitting as a stabilizer and the fact that today I feel like a bag of smashed assholes...

So until I can actually get enough battery power and enough patience and wherewithal to post again...