What's Going To Happen Next...?

I've been entirely too comfortable in the situation I've been in since the long weekend at the beginning of August.

I have essentially been living in Guelph, with Noise.
For reasons that aren't my business to be sharing, needless to say I've been driving him back and forth from Guelph to Stratford every morning for work, and from Stratford back to Guelph each evening after work. To some that might be a huge inconvenience, I've actually really been enjoying it.

It's coming to an end at the beginning of October, I'm sure he'll be glad to be rid of me and not have to deal with silent car rides or my dislike of loud music in the morning.
I'm going to be sad, I know I am because I'm already sad as the days tick on. I've really enjoyed staying with him. As I've said a bit too much I think.

It's weird, I was so excited about moving into a new apartment down in St Catharines, but now when I've been there I just sort of feel like a visitor in what's suppose to be my own home.

I haven't been great at showing or hiding my emotions at times. This has been no different. I feel the end coming. I started to well up a couple of times. I'm gonna miss him and the days we've had together.

Ridiculous notion came into my head the other day while I was doing some errands around Stratford... Lots of the stores that I went to all had help wanted signs up and on more than one occasion I actually found myself saying 'hm I could work here' - to myself of course.

I don't know how to say what it is that I'm thinking at the moment, and I fear if I was to say any of it that it would likely just freak him the fuck out. So I keep things to myself.
I've been genuinely happy - since about April. Happy with myself especially. I feel like I woke up and came back to myself after all the unpleasantness that I had been through and shut myself away because of.

I don't know what's going to happen from here on out - my life has been sort of hanging in a weird limbo of uncertainty, which I've been oddly okay with...until now.

Something for the last couple of days has been gnawing at me and I can't quite put my finger on it. Perhaps I just don't want to admit it either. It's going to be painful. It's going to be a change that I'm not going to like...I'll adapt. I always do after all.

It's what I do. I help. I fix. Then I'm on my way, sometimes voluntarily sometimes not. Can't hold on to something too tightly or it slips away even faster. We shall see though - like they always say No One Knows The Future... except the Shadow knows...lol

I just wish I had the stability to put my feet down - hanging in limbo can get so taxing on the soul and the spirit.

What's going to happen to me?

I'm Still Here - Birthday

In 11 days I will be celebrating my 40th birthday...

My birthday is really important to me, more so now then when I was a kid.
I truly believe that I've been living on borrowed time...there's 3 times in my life that I've either flat-lined or been close to dying or the doctors didn't know how I was still alive let alone conscious.

So to me each year is a gift - it's probably why I love so intensely, so fully and why I just take the moments to experience everything I can... from taking a moment to appreciate the cloudiness of the day before walking into the house...to standing in the rain and smiling...literally stopping to smell the flowers when I can...listening to the silence of the night...watching a bug crawl by...feeling - everything.

Overall I am happy with my life, and happy to have it - I'm glad I it wasn't taken from me when I had tried to end it before.

Lately my happiness hasn't been shown outwardly enough for some - I'm really not all bouncy, giggly, and all laughs when I'm happy. I'm much more introspective now. Obviously I laugh or smile at jokes, I just don't feel the need to be goofy to show happiness. Maybe that's me just getting old...lol

I know there's a lot of people out there who just don't care about their birthdays, my father is one of them, and I get that. It's not about presents to me it's about presence. I want to spend my day with people who truly care that I'm alive, that appreciate my presence in their lives, that care that I am still walking this big ball of dirt - with people I love very much.

It's been a struggle, a fight, at times a massive war to get to 40...there's been trauma, abuse of all kinds, medical issues, heart breaks, anxiety, depression, deaths... so you're damn right I'm going to celebrate still being here...I just wish those I love would be too.

Burn or Save

Some days I want to watch the world burn...

Some days I want to save the world...

Yep extremes.

I'm sitting here crying and angry at the country I live in.
Today I don't want to save the world...but I would like to save my country... I just wish I knew how...

The Northern Food Crisis should NOT be happening.

Bless this woman...I want to be able to do something too... I just don't know what I could possibly do.

On Sunday Night I Had A Baby...

I gave birth to a beautiful tiny baby girl who weighed 6 pounds and 12 ounces. She has a cute button nose, big blue eyes and ginger coloured hair.

On Monday, I rocked with her in a rocking chair and nursed her until she fell asleep. I changed her bottom. Gave her kisses and held her as much as I could.

On Tuesday she went up to the next size for nappies and her hair had grown longer and started to turn into little ringlets at the nape of her neck.

On Wednesday I went roller-skating with her strapped tightly into a snuggly and she made little giggly sounds as she felt the wind. I held her tight and nursed her often. Her eyes have started turning from blue to green.

And every morning I wake up and she doesn't exist.

Yep...it's been an interesting week so far in dreamland...each night I have had a dream about this baby.
Gave birth to her Sunday night in a dream and each night since she's gotten a little older and I've been raising her, no idea whose baby she is, haven't given her a name, and it's always just the two of us in the dream.

Last night she seemed to be around the 2 month old mark so not exactly sure how she was making giggly noises but... yeah...

It sort of makes me want to take a nap to see if the dreams are going to keep coming or not... I figure though that after 4 nights I should write something down about them...for it is interesting that it's not a recurring dream of any sort...it's actually more episodic in nature...

And truthfully with the dark times here once again it sort of makes me wonder about messages coming through...

That's about what she looks like...

Just Breathing Through It...

I hate them.

They're young, slim, smooth and attractive. They catch the eye, make me nervous and want to throat punch someone.

I hate them. My stomach rolls when I see them, their pictures and I feel like I'm going to puke. My chest tightens and I feel myself starting to build a wall to harden so that the blow when it lands I can slough it off that it won't affect me.

I feel the venom I want to spit, the hatred bubbling up and I swallow it all back down. I feel the sneer take over and I want to lash out. I want to hurt everyone before they can hurt me. I want to gouge out their eyes.

Everything tightens up, winding tight like a spring...ready to be released at a moments notice.
I don't want to harden myself getting ready for the blow...I don't want to think that it's coming.

I'm not young any more... I've never been slim... I don't have a smooth stomach or even ass...

My jaw clenches as the tears start to prick at my eyes...my chin quivers as my breathing deepens...
I try to smile but it comes out pained.

My throat burns as I try not to cry. Is the pain in the end worth the happiness of now...

just breathing through it... when it comes... it comes...

Sonuva....!

So...

Bing broke me. Asshat.

I had my doubts and suspicions about it but after yesterday I know now that he definitely broke me.

I have been having some difficulties when having relations with the Man, which I have written about already...but those have been slowly getting better and going away.

However when committed to Bing I hadn't really gone to any of my 'Friends with Benefits'...mainly because before Bing had been somewhat jealous at times, which because I know that can even be hard to admit let alone hard to handle I was staying away from others out of respect to him...not to say I always did I did meet up with the Major once this last year...

So how do I know that I'm broken?

I went to go see the Major yesterday, we got together to take some pics and some recreational fun...we always have a good time together because both of us are completely blunt, honest and straight forward...we can have conversations about shit that bothers us without the other one taking it to heart or taking it personally...I can talk about what parts of me I'm uncomfortable with so that while we're taking photos he knows...and him saying things like...move this way, it's a little more flattering because of that fold of skin right there...doesn't bother me like it would from some one else...

After taking some photos we had some fun...well... tried too...

I tried to get into it but I wasn't getting lost like I normally would (found that with the Man a few times too)...and as embarrassing as this is to admit...kept drying up...

That's the part that shocked me...the most... I have never in my life had that happen to me before...ever.

So yeah that was disconcerting a bit...I know/knew that I wasn't completely ready to be out playing with others as of yet but sort of wanted to throw myself back into 'the game' so to speak...

I know he didn't do it on purpose...hell probably didn't even realize how much cutting him out would hurt...but it still was him...

I'm glad now that I hadn't taken up someone else I knew on the offer a month ago...if I was having this much of a problem yesterday I can't imagine what last month would have been like.

But anyway... we took some awesome shots yesterday and I really kind of can't wait to share a couple of them...

I won't share too many of them...would hate to weird out Burton...lol

More to come about other stuffs...

Kind of feel like this deep down today...

All The Updates!! *arm in the air*

With hurricane Sandy on her way to come and blow us around... she's the last thing I need right about now...

blah and apparently I'm not going to get this written until the dog gets taken outside...here's to hoping we don't get blown away...

alright so now that the dog has gone out and we didn't blow away I can finish this...or start it even...

besides myself I have two other friends that are in the path of this hurricane... DrunkenMonkey and Roo... as well as Burton and the Nerd headed out this morning and are driving to Salem Mass... bit worried about all of them and hope that they all fair well through this...thankfully two have checked in to say they're doing alright...though Sandy hasn't quite made landfall yet...

gotta love hurricane season... have had more rain in the last few days then I've seen in the last few months...

so on top of weather watching...and while I still have power...figured I'd give an update on last week...it went by quickly and was a bit hectic...

Last Sunday (the 21st) was Darrel's 'Celebration of Life'...I found out about his passing while I was in Reno and after grieving our loss I had gotten worried that I would miss any funeral/memorial arrangements that would be made... Bing was really sweet about the whole thing and even asked me if I wanted to fly back sooner so that I didn't miss it...if it occurred while I was still there...as much as I loved Darrel and will miss him...I didn't want to give up my time with Bing...thankfully it happened after I got home... it was tough...I felt most for Konga going through the day and gave him lots of hugs...realizing then that I don't get to see him nearly enough and should find a way to rectify that...so that one day I'm not at his service saying how much I wished I could have spent more time with him...I already do that too much with someone else...and now Darrel as well...

I was really tired at the memorial because really early that morning I had taken my sister and 3 of her co-workers to the airport over in Buffalo...I realized halfway back to the border that, that was the first time I had been driving over there by myself...I mean while in Georgia I had gone out for drives (in our awesome rental) but the Man was still in the area...and even when I took Bing's car out by myself I was never really that far away from the house...I dunno all my life going into Buffalo I was usually with someone else...it's weird that it had enough significance to me that it came to mind...

My sister jokingly said when I dropped them off 'Now...turn around and go back over the bridge and go home...' like I was thick in the head or something...I quirked a brow and looked at her...she just smiled and said 'no driving the van to Nevada...' I just smirked and shrugged 'not enough gas or gas money for that...' and told her to have a good trip...

After the memorial I came home and got changed because Burton and I were headed up to Hamilton to go to the pagan pub moot...the Dragon Ritual Drummers were playing...and frankly that made me very happy...because I need to dance out some frustrations...and need to grieve...and was able to do just that...thankfully I have long hair so when a few tears sprang to life while dancing about my hair became a curtain...

had sent Bing a message at the end of that night asking if we could talk on Wednesday because I knew what kind of week I'd be having... especially Wednesday...

Monday I had to drive down to Fort Erie for a doctors appointment to talk to him about my ankle. Not exactly the appointment I was hoping for... he started making a no noise at me when I told him what I wanted and he checked to see how long I'd been off my skates...I was like 'dude...don't make that noise at me..' so he told me that with an injury such as  the one I got and the fix I got for it he would be suggesting a mandatory year off of my skates...I wanted to cry...he shook his head...and talked him into giving me a note for 'not full contact'  ... he suggested that I go back and talk to the otho...because 'it's his nuts and bolts in your leg...' but the ortho pretty much signed me over to my GP... I've had others telling me I should go see a sports doc specialist...
But he  gave me the note saying I could go back for training purposes...so I was a bit happy about that.

Tuesday night I found myself making my way back over to Buffalo airport again...and by Tuesday night I mean Wednesday morning...

Wednesday I went to the gyno doc to get my test results back and find out what all the extra bleeding was...apparently nothing...came back everything was negative and normal and the ultrasound showed no issues inside and no one living in there... huge relief that there's no issues...and I'm sure it was a huge relief to Bing that there were no occupants...I had a pang but it went away...
It was that day that I realized just once and for all that (or so I thought) that yep it was final I wouldn't see Bing again.

The girls had me go with them over to North Tonawanda to the skating rink...I was really nervous but I laced up my skates and put on my knee pads and wrist guards...just in case...I lasted about an hour on my skates...taking it easy...I stopped when I realized that I was starting to limp on my skates and when just pushing off for a glide was causing me to wince a bit...so I sat and listened to the music and watched the others.

I realized the other day that speed has a very euphoric effect on me...could be driving fast which I do love...or skating...although it's almost like flying when skating...it's hard to describe the sensation but it is addictive...and for a split second when I first started skating again I couldn't help but think that at that moment skating was better then sex...

So then I came home to find out that no talking to Bing...but he had suggested Friday instead...I was a bit put out because I had really wanted to talk to him...especially about my doctor's appointments since he had said he was so concerned about my health...

Thursday I went to Krammit's doctors appointment with her...she went to see Dr Awesome...it was a good visit...he's told her she needs to go on a similar diet to mine...she came back to the house and visited with us for a few...I was really tired and bummed from the night before so I wasn't the greatest company...

After she left I headed over to the shop to see Lock and talk to her about my training and the note I got from the doctor to see what could be done with me... she said that it was alright with her if I came out to practice and just did some straight skating for however long I could take it...just have to give my note to the HR girl...

So went to practice that evening and talked to the HR girl and it seems as soon as I send her my note I'm a go to come back. I'm only worried because the hall we're practicing at has slippery floors...all the girls have commented on it...so I'll just have to take my time.

Friday...hmm...oh right...Friday I contacted Bing to talk to him...couldn't do any face time with him because he was doing OT at work (he said maybe Saturday...that didn't happen...)...got him all caught up it seems on the majority of stuff...he seemed in good spirits which made me happy...he was glad that health-wise I'm doing well...he apparently was sorry that I'm not exactly doing 'okay' otherwise...

I mean I don't understand why...why am I not doing okay yet...?
I don't... still trying to get over the fact that he loves me....he misses me...he still 'wants' me...he worries about me... and yet... for the most part... won't talk to me...
I'd love to have a huge ego and think OMG he misses me so much that it'll cause him emotional pain to hear my voice... yeah I'm not that dumb or deluded...

I admitted something pretty big on Friday...and he just told me to stop being ridiculous... *shrugs* I wasn't trying to be ridiculous...I was just trying to be honest...

Friday there was a couple more aha moments of yeah I won't see Bing again while we were chatting...there was a couple of times that I typed in 'next time' only to catch it and backspace quickly before I sent that to him...it really doesn't feel like it...you know...it doesn't feel like that was the last time...but I can't start to have hope for seeing him again...hope is evil.

Friday was also the first time I had been intimate with the Man since I got home...mainly due to the bleeding issue...or at least so I thought... it was nice to feel close to him like that... I generally take a little bit to get back into the swing of things here with us...it's nothing out of the ordinary...I've made comments in the past about being a skittish horse at times... (tongue in cheek since my Chinese zodiac I'm an earth horse)

Saturday...got all dressed up and went down to one of the derby girls' house for the most awesome hallowe'en party of them all...she and her hubs put on a very good time... pics surfacing on FB all over the place...

This would have to be my favourite pic...but mainly because of Anonymous just lounging back on the couch taking it all in...just proves that Anon is always watching...just this time he's watching The PenalizeHer and myself look like Tards....lol

It was a really great party and The Man and I had a great time...it was nice to hang out with Derby people away from derby...and nice to see the Nerd since I haven't seen him in awhile...

He was telling me about his upcoming adventures...I told him I was going to sneak into his luggage when he heads to Vegas again...so he should be prepared to pay the 'overweight' baggage fee...

The party was definitely the best distraction I could have ever asked for...and I totally didn't even get wasted...had a couple of drinks...did a shot with Leethal and with PenalizeHer..so yeah...couple drinks and a couple of shots...was feeling a bit buzzed...

Yesterday (Sunday) was just sort of recovery day...not because we were hungover...mainly just because it really doesn't feel like I've had two moments to breathe since coming home...

Last night was a late night for no other reason then just wasn't tired... (here comes the TMI portion of the post)

I was laying here in bed reading when The Man's fingers started walking and saying hello...it was nice...and everything was chugging along quite nicely and we started getting all intimate and I was having a great time with it...until suddenly...out of what seemed like the middle of nowhere...I burst out into tears and started bawling...like out and out sobbing... *sighs*
I felt like such an ass...I think at first The Man thought he had hurt me...but that wasn't it at all...

I admit to have read the Twilight series of books...and I believe it's in the second one when Edward feels that Bella would be better off and leaves her...she at first goes into a deep depression but then when she starts going back to some what normal she finds that anything she does that is reckless or life endangering she hears Edward's voice telling her not to do what ever she's doing or to stop or what not...in the movie she sort of sees him as well but I'm sure that was just for affect...

I add that admission in there because that's almost sort of what I experienced last night...

On the last night that I was in Reno Bing had made love to me and it was sweet and great and so many other descriptive words that are eluding me at the moment...and it was much different then any other sex we had had while I was there and it just held a whole lot of meaning in it for me...hopefully him as well...it seemed to...and during it he ever so softly whispered to me I Love You...the emotion in that made me shudder because it answered something for me...

So with that all being said... last night I heard that i love you all over again at the most inopportune time and I was sort of knocked sideways by that... hearing him and being with The Man.. and yeah...

I just felt like such an asshole afterward...there's so much more to it then that but that's all I'm really willing to fess up to at the moment and even said this much hesitantly...

I'm not alright yet.

I don't think I will be for awhile...we had a lot of history together...lots of ups and downs...and while still here there's lots of memories...



Another Bing song it seems...there's about 4 or 5 of them now that I hear and immediately think about him...the two biggies are One More Night and Some Nights (this one)...

Damn me for listening to lyrics...lol

So yeah...that's about where I'm at, at the moment...

Some days are easier then others...sometimes I can go hours without thinking about Bing... some times I amaze even myself with how much emotion I feel toward him... I don't think even I realized how much I was in love with him... not exactly something I can turn off but... for now I'll have to cover it up...sweep it under the proverbial rug...and trudge on...

All the power is in his hands. I suppose it always has been. *nods*

I'm not looking forward to my weigh in... I've not really exercised enough since I've been back...and due to some unforeseen issues I've not been eating quite as well as I should have been...but now that I'm back to knowing that I'm healthy and in need of a distraction...I'll be hitting the gym full force again....

So I won't be too discouraged if I gained some weight since I've been back.

Fickle and Deadly.

Jax: You need to calm down and think clearly
Tara: I've never been more clear in my life.
Jax: Yeah, Rage feels like that.

I have Love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and Rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one I will indulge the other.

I do not like being lied to, I don't think anyone really does. When you lie to someone you're insulting their intelligence. When you lie to them you never know what your own tells are. You might have one that people notice that you don't even realize, which then just makes you look like an idiot for trying to lie in the first place.

There is a calmness that comes when you are enraged, it takes a minute to find it. Generally in that calmness is when the plotting starts. It's human nature to want to take revenge on those who have wronged you in some way. Most of us try to rise above that and let it pass us by, because it may not be worth the fight, or the consequences would be too grand.

I generally prefer to choose words. They can be some of the most hurtful things that you can do to someone. Words stick with people and they roll around in their brains and gnaw away at they're self worth. I've not cut anyone down in a really long time with my words and am not even sure if I could anymore. So many times I've turned the other cheek that I'm running out of cheeks to turn.

It's very quiet and serene today, as I sit on the second floor balcony. Listening to the children playing at the school  and park, and listen to the hum of the vehicles that go by. The sun is shining down on my face and I'm finally starting to get warm again. I can hear a dog barking in the distance and can't help but wonder if my Zuulie-Bear misses me.
My ankle hurts. I don't know why, I've not been nearly as active here as I have been at home.

Every few moments I just stop, close my eyes, take a deep breath and let the calmness take me over again.

There's things I'd like to say.  Things I can't quite put into words yet. Things I'd like to do. Things I worry about, things I'm trying to let go of. Worry is such a waste and yet I do it so much.
I wish it was just as easy as stopping....but it really isn't.

I worry about how things will be when I'm gone.

Why should I care, I'll be gone. Never to be heard from or seen again. So why should I worry?

*shrug*

I don't know but I still do.

Love is fickle. Very very fickle.

And nearly as deadly as Hope.

dare I say it but..I think I'm damn near perfect for you...

I'll post about Thanksgiving when it's over...which is later on today...

I have to sit and wonder  after a conversation that was had last night...if people ever feel like they're good enough for the ones they're with...

we all have our flaws and faults...we all have those little things we wish we could either make go away or that we could minimize so that we seem more 'normal' to the ones we care deeply for...

then I suppose there are some of us that when get called on our shit we nod and apologize bashfully as we try to remember to not do that again...

I've always tried to be a more 'take me as I am' kind of girl so that there's not a whole lot of surprises to make the other person look at me and go 'wtf that's not what I signed up for?'

One of the things...my things...my little faults...ok not so little... is that I question everything...doesn't seem so bad on the surface but I'm an inquisitive lil shit I tell you what... I question motives, feelings, the way things were said, gestures... unfortunately some of the time (a lot of it) my questions makes it seem like I'm fishing for compliments or something akin to that... when really I'm not...all I'm really doing is trying to sate a curiosity that I have....

Big Daddy once told me that I was like a cat...I think that sort of goes along with the things he listed as why...

I think by and by I'm a pretty ok person... I know I pull off the bravado sometimes of thinking I'm awesome...but I really do have my ego in check... I start wondering about myself when in a relationship to sort of make sure that I'm not being a jackwad...and if I am then I try to keep myself in check...

But what happens when someone else is being the jackwad...you're supposed to call them on their shit right? ...kind of that whole 'keep them honest' thing...? However what happens if they already know they are...?
I know I asked that question before and sort of answered it as well...

Big Daddy calls me on my shit and I appreciate it in the long run even if at the moment it will sting a bit...eventually I will nod and go 'yeah he's right...' but I sort of let him get away with most of his shit... I think it's time for the goose to keep the gander accountable as well... I've not wanted to upset him
but I think after something he said last night that he'll be needing a kick in the butt every now and then...and since I'm such an awesome girlfriend I'll be willing to give it to him...

a friend of mine (Pirate Girl) uses the phrase 'truth walking' when her soon to be PirateMan holds her accountable for things she's said or done...I kinda like it... because it's not a bad thing...

btw he's now used the term girlfriend in regards to talking to or about me twice now...and it's sort of made me smirk and get all warm and fuzzy...even though as a 30+ year old it generally feels weird to use the term anymore... lmao

if I had one wish in the world (which I already told Big Daddy about) it would be that he sees himself the way that I see and love him... I know I should wish for lots of money or something along that lines but I really just wish he could see why it is I have chosen to love him so very much. (not that I could ever choose to stop now...)

and now I have to actually get out of bed and prepare for the annual nerf war and thanksgiving dinner at mum's house...

I See A Nap in My Future...'Cause I'm Psychic Bitches!

I like being alone sometimes. I like immersing myself in my thoughts as  I sing at the top of my lungs while doing chores...like dishes.  When someone is around I don't get that singing at the top of my lungs out of my system...and unfortunately in my thoughts...because usually the other person is talking or something...

So I got up this morning with the rest of the blurry-eyed masses...whether parents getting their kids ready for school or people getting ready for work... walked the Boychild to school and realized I prefer to be a homebody... I admit that it's a nice feeling to have strangers say good morning or to say thank you as you pass them by... but to me it's just sort of awkward... (the thank you this morning was because me with my umbrella stepped off the sidewalk so a woman and her two tiny ones could pass by...realized that it would seem weird to someone reading this that a random person would say thanks for walking by)...

However, I would prefer to just stay home... not to see people to have awkward fake cheerful morning interactions... as soon as October/November rolls around I don't want to leave the house for any reason...if I trusted people enough I'd likely have groceries delivered...and I would hibernate...until April.

Well sometimes later then that just so I can be guaranteed that there was no snow on the ground.

It's been really quiet here for the past couple of days...it's been nice... mind you I need to do more of those nasty things called chores...but I'm actually not minding it to much... it seems I don't mind doing them if I'm the only person here... it's when everyone else is here not doing anything that I kinda get pissed about doing the chores...

Been listening to Adele quite a bit lately... I'm so glad that she's much more mainstream now... I used to have such a hard time finding her music...though there is still a few songs I've heard her do that I wish she'd record on an album... I heart her so much...

I learned very quickly last night that you should never joke about poopin' on someone... I was in a really weird/giddy mood... and yeah... apparently the other party (who was at work) didn't really appreciate it very much... *shrugs* live and learn...

was up waaay too late last night... I went to bed at like 1am...which isn't so bad... still gives me almost 6 hours before the Boychild has to be up and eating before school... yeah... 3:30am...is definitely too late... I need to turn my skype off when I crawl into bed so that shit doesn't happen again... it was funny and nice to have someone to talk to for a bit but totally stayed up too late....

there's phrases, statements, questions, comments and the like that people will always remember that you have said or another person has said... stuff that sticks with you that will keep coming back to you... that happens to me quite a bit... people would say that I dwell (whether it's good or bad) but I don't really consider it dwelling or even brooding... it's remembering what people have said and then usually trying to figure out if they were just 'saying it' or if they were actually sincere...as we all know it's harder for us to believe the good stuffs said about us, though we hold onto the negative or bad stuff like it's a security blanket at times...

I've been called many things in my time... and I was writing them down as an exercise after I got back and was still in that whole transition period... and I have to say it's quite a list... and it's not all bad at all... but it's not just what others say about us... but 'to' us as well that we will remember... I've been told by a few people that they will always love me, or love me until the end of time, or something along those lines... and sometimes I get that sadistic urge to call them and say 'Yeah, still love me?' just so I can have some sort of sick satisfaction of saying 'see I knew you were lying' when they say No... I was told that it was hard to believe that anyone could 'get over' me... and of course my biggest issue is being forgotten...and I have been over the course of my life, starting at a young age and so that stuck with me even into adulthood and sort of festered into a feeling of being unimportant because of having been forgotten... few days ago I made a comment about being unmemorable and sort of got a snerking response of 'yeah right'... maybe that's why I get whacky and so odd and giddy sometimes...so that at least I'll be remembered for being weird/crazy...

this lyric makes me tear up every time I sing it...

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

Don't forget me, I beg "I'll remember", you said,

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead. 

Dunno why I felt like that sharing that...probably because it was playing... the thing I don't get is the fact that I don't exactly think there's anything special about me that would make me 'unforgettable' and yet I don't want to be forgotten... how messed is that.. lol 

I never claimed to be normal. Don't want to be normal... as it doesn't exist.

*laughs*

I want to be the hermit lady who doesn't want to be forgotten... man I'm a fucking conundrum...

Falcon Punch!

my url for the time being should be raenotathome.blogspot.com.... since well you know.. I'm not at home...

my tummy is doing the 'what the fuck did you just eat?' dance and I'm not really enjoying it overly... *sighs*

I didn't really feel like cooking so I threw a pizza in the oven and some bourbon chicken in the nuker... tumtum is not enjoying the yumminess of the frozen food supper...



I woke up today really not in a good frame of mind today... really put a damper on the tiny amount of time that I got to spend with Big Daddy before he went off to work... which made me even more sad...
then there was some BS with Avon that I tried to deal with via The Man... *sigh* nope going to have to find another way to go about fixing the order that just came in with half of it missing... piss me off.
Fuck around with my shit...that's fine... but not my customers... it makes me look like a douche... and I dislike looking like a douche...

So then to really add to the weirdness of the day... I get a message from the Man on FB that my Mother will be calling me... *blinks* um...what?

So we got my Mum set up on my sisters Skype and when I say we I mean my sister showed her how to use it...

Ends up that the 'important' (because that's the only thing the Man knew it was about) thing that she wanted to talk to me about was the Manchild.
So now that I would like to smack both the Manchild and his Father... but can't because I'm almost 3000 miles away... I talked to Mum a bit more and told her my decision on the matter we were discussing... which I'm sorry but I was totally weirded out by taking to my Mum while at Big Daddy's house... she's not exactly keen on the fact that I'm with the two of them to begin with...

I've also been really kind of down because it seems that my being here is really screwing with Big Daddy's sleep... he's been real tired the last couple of days and well I don't want him to be... I'm starting to think maybe it wasn't a good idea for me to come and stay here while he had to work... *sigh* I dunno... I just hope that he doesn't think that it was a terrible idea even if he isn't getting enough sleep...

Is it weird that I don't want to consider my time spent with Big Daddy as a 'vacation'?
I dunno... something about that just doesn't seem right to me... just because I'm left the house where I primarily live with the Man and the boys for two weeks doesn't really mean I'm on a vacation... does it?
I'm confused ... I don't like the term but at the same time what else would it be? *shrugs*

Just one of many things rolling around in my brain right now... I have many others... I spoke with the Man last night about some of my concerns and he was really cool about listening... how often can you say that your husband listened to you while you exposed some worries you have in regards to a lover you have?? yeah I know right...

I'm not going to put them here... I haven't finished sorting them out in my own brain and I don't know if I ever will to tell you the truth...

It seems I missed an earthquake and some tornado warnings while I've been here and I've only been here for 4 days...yikes...

Shake That!

It's an odd feeling to suddenly have it that now when sitting at the computer to get the feeling of 'I don't want to be here'... I think I just heard someone faint after reading that... *laughs*

Yeah me the queen of sitting on the computer all day is now getting sick of her computer... only took like 14 years for that to happen... I think it's because of how much my computer experience has changed... it used to be my connection with the outside world... and now... *shrugs* it's a source of entertainment at times with the games that I play on occasion but generally now I just get the feeling of 'why am I sitting here?'

Especially with The Man being gone.

Hard to believe but the laundry is getting done... the dishes are getting done each night... and I'm finding myself sort of just wandering around tidying up stuff that's laying around... mind you I still am in the evenings sitting down and watching the 'idiot box' (as my grandfather called it) but on commercials is when I find myself wandering about tidying up...

It's been interesting.

Talking about interesting (oh yeah smooth segue) tomorrow evening I'm going to find myself all by myself. I didn't realize it until the other day. The Man is gone, the Boychild will be off to camp tomorrow for the long weekend, the Manchild has a meeting in the evening so he'll be staying over at my Mum's house... what ever shall I do??
I had been thinking of going downtown and maybe hitting up the bars... haven't done that in a couple of years...then again I haven't done that by myself before either... lol

More then likely I'll end up laying on the couch watching TV while eating a bowl of ice cream in pajama pants and a wife beater... how sexy right?

Every Day I'm Shuffling...

Here I go again on my own... going down the only road I've ever known...

*chuckles*

That's the song that went through my head as The Man drove off today...

since he left I've done 5 loads of dishes, two loads of laundry, got the Boychild all clean and off to bed, and I've been tidying up the house as well I still have to make the bed... if you have a king size bed... you'll understand why that's a feat... *laughs*
Especially since I'm only 5 feet tall...

Oh well... gotta keep busy...

After an interesting conversation it seems I may have to start a collection jar in order to get home from Nevada in August...

Anyone ever notice that there are two Brits and a Canadian judging America's Got Talent?? Doesn't that seem really ridiculous? I dunno it seems dumb to me... it just happens to be on in the background and I looked over and saw Piers, Sharon and Howie and found it a little ironic...

I got my Scentsy stuff in from Burton and the three scents I chose I'm in love with... especially the one that's called Simply Irresistible... it smells like Phoenix by Axe... was well worth the money I paid for it all...

and now it's time to go make the bed...have a shower...and get ready for an early morning tomorrow...

oh yeah... and my mouse is fuckered and I need a new one :(

Angry letters, new babies, strange happenings, future trips...

Angry letters... I found out that my father decided to write my sister a stupid message a facebook... I knew that she wouldn't respond to him, though if she told my mother about it it was likely that I would hear all their suppositions about why he would send her a message. It made me angry. And since I am such a reactionary person I typed him up a message and sent it off to him.

Most would likely wonder why I bothered, even I wondered why I bothered, but it was a case of all sorts of little shit had just been piling up until finally I just got mad and let it out. I suppose the fact that he sent a message to my sister was the last straw.

So he sent me a message letting me know that he was going to call me. He called. I didn't answer. I chose to make him leave me a message instead.

Instead of saying 'oh hey sorry you feel that way' ... no instead the jackass says "I figured if I called you could yell at me on the phone, I know it's not as good as doing it in person but it has to be better then via email, I'll call ya back.' - I mean wtf? srsly?

It was this time last year that I was packing a bag for a flight and the other thing I was doing was rescuing a kitten from crying in our back yard. A year later that kitten is bigger then the two other cats we already have (who are turning three soon) ... well now Ohanzee isn't the baby anymore (age wise he is but I'm not splitting hairs)
A few days ago I got a message from Okie asking if I could help her find a home for a ferret... I couldn't say no The Man and I have both wanted one for so long. So on Monday Okie and her wife brought him over to the house. His name is Mos. I'll have to post some pictures of him. He's already 4 yrs old but his a really gentle guy. I've already enjoyed some cuddle times with him.

There are those out there that would suggestion that I'm compensating and to them I say "Yeah? so fucking what?"

Strange happenings... sitting here at 2:20 am with the Man both of us in the living room ... whene suddenly a plaque in our kitchen falls to the floor with a loud bang... we both thought wtf? out loud....
about 15 mins later the Man gets up to make himself a mug of tea...he starts to pour the hot water into the mug and the side of the glass explodes out from the side of the mug, the man gets boiling water on his foot and after the initial shock of it...the Man realized that the water that landed on his foot hadn't burned him...the kettle had just clicked off saying it was done boiling...and when he went to put the piece back in the mug to see if there was any other tiny shards we should look for the piece didn't fit in there any more...it was bigger then the hole in the mug... and it's not like it was a cold mug or anything, he had just finished making tea in it a half hour before hand... it was a bit eerie...
After getting a really strange feeling I sent Big Daddy a text to make sure he was ok...thankfully he answered me...
So after all that the Man stepped into the shower... as he stepped into the shower the Boychild was opening the door to come into the living room... he was crying as he had just had a bad dream... when I asked what was wrong his answer was 'Dad died...' every time he's said that it's always made my stomach drop a bit. Obviously his dad didn't die he's in the shower. So he told me about his dream... Dad was going to the store because it was an emergency and if he didn't we wouldn't have any food to eat that night and on his way to the store he tripped... apparently 'people' came to the door to tell us he had died.
I say 'Every time he says that' because this is not the first time he's dreamed about his father dying... it's a bit creepy...

Future trips....*looks at the time* meh I'll talk about them another post...

I'd sing love songs to ya the best I can, get ya naked and hit it like a CAVE MAN!

Now I know why women were locked away for seven days whenever they got their periods or were thought to be possessed by evil spirits...

For the last few days if I haven't been crying my face off I've been bitchy, jealous, crampy, depressed  or all of the above at once...

First thing I should do is when I first start feeling like any of those I should step away from my cellphone and my computer...

The slightest comment about me tonight made me cry and break down...

I think that when I go back to see the doctor again on Tuesday I'm going to ask him about this birth control that he has me on... it seems everything gets worse when the hormonal change happens each month, I can almost pinpoint which day it's going to happen now... the migraines, the huge change in demeanor, the crying... fuck you'd think I was pregnant which makes me draw the conclusion that maybe it's the birth control...

it's not like I have a void of emotions but an abundance of them... like some of the ones I have are so huge that I don't know how to control them properly... it's hard to explain... save for... if I don't get them out some how that I feel like I might explode... and unfortunately when I do I explode on those around me or those I love...

like if it's not one extreme it's the other... and it could go back and forth between the two at a moments notice during the day...

I'm sure there'll be those who think I should be on anti-depressants for my moods but... I tired that once..

I had post-partum depression really bad with both kids (which they don't tell you could last up to a year or more afterward...nice eh?) I got oon them after the Boychild... and sure they stabilized me and kept me at a medium level... the problem was there were no more highs and no more lows at all... an orgasm to me was as exciting as buying groceries... I couldn't handle walking around in a haze... and I felt fuzzy headed all the time...

they just weren't for me because I was aware of the negative difference I was feeling...

I used to joke that sex was a natural anti-depressant... which I suppose could explain my promiscuous ways for so long... and what a helluva antidepressant it was... lol

I can't do that now. Not even so much that I can't, it's not like any one is physically stopping me from going out and getting some whenever I want to (besides the fact that I have some standards)... It's more of an I don't want to do that now...

There's three men that I've slept with this past year.. (checks calendar... ok yeah I can still say that)... and really those three would be the only ones that I would really want to have sex with on any form of regular basis... even if they are all irregular as it is... which makes me really sad on occasion but i try not to dwell... because if I do then I get teary eyed (over one of them) and that just wouldn't be good...

meh... anyway... it's late... I should stop rambling and just go to bed...

Mmm Girl Wood For Fast Cars...

Any evening that I get to chit chat with Big Daddy makes me all giddy and smiley... so last night was no different...since I had been texting back and forth with him for a few hours while he was at work...

Even woke up in a good mood even though the door bell woke me up...

However I was not a happy camper when I came out to my computer to find my screen flickering... I don't mean just a little flicker here and there... I'm talking seizure inducing flickering... considering all I had wanted to do was sit, watch some shows on my computer while I was doing some stuff with my hands...

so I went in for a shower and hoped the flickering would wear itself out while I was in the shower...

No such luck... so I went and grabbed the other monitor that died on me (in case it miraculously revived itself when I wasn't looking) plugged it in and no go... so tried another monitor cord with the flickering monitor...and it still flickered... video card not loose... so colour me fucking pissed...

Just so happened to be texting with Burton and when I told her about the monitor issue...she comes back with "I have a monitor for you" ... and she brought it by after she was finished work... even hung out and watched Glee with us... it was nice... especially since she's leaving on Friday for her and the Nerd's honeymoon... who the hell am I gonna text with all day?? lol

So no the monitor doesn't work...just yet...apparently this particular one is supposed to come with a 12v power adapter...so if Burton doesn't come across it then we'll see about getting one...

When the monitor was bugging the crap out of me I decided to sit down and do the zipper on my dress... yeah... the sewing machine was being a douche bag... so I have a feeling that Tuesday was actually Monday in disguise... Instead of wrestling with the sewing machine and it's tension...I just turned it off and figured I'll do it when I'm less frustrated...

fin.

I don't believe in sanctity or hypocrisy...Can everyone agree that no one should be left alone...I feel like a new-born kicking and screaming

Rather then staying at home this morning and being all hateful online... I figured since I hadn't eaten anything I would go up the street and get my blood-work done at the lab... it's usually not very busy... you know with a wait time of maybe 10 to 15 minutes...

So I had a shower and got all ready to go... put my ear-buds in my ears...slipped on my sandals and walked out the door... I took the requisition forms with me for the blood-work and for the x-ray I needed to get done...

I walked through the door into the lab and picked up a number... 42... then heard the woman at the desk call... 31... oh yeah it was packed... I just silently looked up to the ceiling and asked why my patience is what gets tested more often then anything else... I sat and waited like a good girl... 

after being there for about 30 minutes I heard an alarm go off (like a kitchen timer) and one of the techs said to the other jokingly in passing 'You think he's awake?' with a chuckle and then I heard them call The Man's name... I knew he had been up there but I hadn't seen him so thought maybe he wasn't there anymore... sure enough he comes out from the back and goes into a cubicle... 

when it was my turn she took 7 vials of my blood... got a full STI panel, glucose, cholesterol, thyroid,...blah blah blah...

up next... walking across the street to the hospital in the snow...and went to go get my thumb x-rayed... my right thumb has been really sore for almost two months... so when I was down at the doctors I decided to talk to him about it... if he doesn't see any injury or arthritis in my thumb then he's saying he'll shot a bit of cortizone into it and hope that it will help... so I'll have to see how it goes... I'd prefer to not start getting shots in my thumb...

the Man and I went to Timmy's after the x-ray, where I explained one of the reasons I was so upset... we headed next door afterward and priced some ram for my netbook...one more thing that's sort of not needed but omg would so be appreciated... found out it will only cost 40 bucks to get it... so I'll have to look at the budget to see if that can be squeezed out...

came home...and vegged... I had wanted to watch Queer As Folk and just make jewelry... though still in a foul mood I didn't want to try to make something beautiful while feeling so ugly...

the Man got me smiling and laughing while at Timmy's...

I'm still upset but not as nearly as upset as I was this morning... now I'll just end up worrying.. and replaying shit over and over again... 

And now I'll have the worry in the back of my mind about my tests... I always do... I get them all done every year... but I still worry... I think it's only natural... and I know I'll be ecstatic and let out the sigh of relief when the doc tells me that everything is fine... too bad I have to wait a week... 

so tomorrow is a trip to the pharmacy to pick up my new meds... I'm kinda hoping that Laurier calls tomorrow as well saying that my new glasses are in... that'd be nice... really looking forward to them...

I'm really tired... I feel like I could sleep for days...

Sometimes I cannot feel my face ... You'll never see me fall from grace

So I had wanted to sit down here and discuss karma... and how when some shit happens I'm glad that I can now sit back ... take a deep breath, smirk and just shrug it off as what others wish to do or say... I can't make them take back the insults or the rude things they say to others... I can just decide to not waste my energy on anger that they'll never know about anyway... I found a saying that I absolutely love and it has become my mantra of sorts...  

'How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.'

When I first read that it's like a light went on and I just suddenly knew... and since then... I've not gotten angry about what others have said about me to the extent that I used to... I acknowledge that it was shitty of them and move on...

And really... there's too much shitty-ness going on in the world today that to dwell on the pettiness of others is to just be as shallow as they are...

So the other night when it was brought to my attention that someone that was being super duper nice to my face has been super duper cunt-y behind my back. I chuckled and shrugged and said that's the way they are.

I'm not gonna get caught up in the llama-drama...

Tonight I went to Burton's planted our seeds for our gardens... had a lovely dinner... had some giggles... and was about to type something else about it and totally can't remember what else I was going to say...

-....fifteen minute pause...-

Oh right!

she shared some leftover taters with me! and they were yummy... bit soft because that's how ta-toes get when in the fridge... but they were as I said ...yummy! (oh and her onion bread was faboo...told her only way it could be better was to add cheese...lol)
So she told me how she made 'em... so I'm going to definitely try it out after I do some shopping... I really do hate the end of the month... it gets me so frustrated that I want to punch a baby...

but while we're on food... I made a dumpling stew the other night that was awesome... made the dumplings and kneaded shredded cheese and jalapeno relish... zomg! I need to do that again... way to yum filled... and not as spicy as one would think...the 'stew' part of it some how ended up tasting a bit like the gravy mix that you would find in a turkey pot pie... lol not sure how that happened but I could do it again ;)

I'm not just playing a guitar....I'm playing a guitar that sounds like dolphins.

Sitting here watching American Idol ... yeah it's my dirty little secret... but it's music so you should figure it hides somewhere in my life... not that it's my only dirty little secret...but I'm not sharing those tonight... ;)

I was saying before how I had a bunch of stuff on my mind... just seems like if I started typing about it that I'd never stop and as I've said before I've been told that my blog posts are too long sometimes...

well first and foremost... totally got my Starbucks cherry popped tonight... and that was a memorable experience... Burton and I went after going with her to get some groceries... I got a Chai Tea Latte... and was introduced to Red Velvet Whoopie Cake...  both were equally delightful!


I'm not going to go into what Big Daddy's going through at the moment as it's not my business to share... but I just wish that I could be there to hug him when he needs one and to try to him out however I could... I heart you Big Daddy and hope beyond hope that everything works out for you.

Now to weigh in about Japan... well ya had to know I was going to say something about it...

Some of the reactions to the Quake/Tsunami/Nuclear Power Plant stuffs that I've seen in my journeying through the interwebs have been nothing short of disheartening...especially those reactions from our neighbours to the south... some of the ignorant things I've seen people say just make me want to cry... whatever happen to compassion for your fellow man?

I came across a link to an image that someone put together a bunch of status messages from facebook... the common factor was (two actually) all American... and all were saying how all of this happened/is happening to Japan as payback for the Japanese bombing Pearl Harbour... WTF?! I was just so fucking sickened by all of them... there was over 50 status msgs just on this one image... I cannot believe that any one would say that... the ignorance that has come to light is just disgusting... People commenting about how the President is dumb/stupid/retarded/a terrorist (yeah that one floored me) all because he was sending aid to Japan...
Does the general populace of the States have selective memory recall? do those particular people forget about Hiroshima? H Bombs?
*shakes head*
I just don't get it. It's a grudge held onto by people who weren't even around when it happened.

The comments about how it was God doing it...(several reasons given) but pretty much that God would never do anything like that to a Christian country like the States... rly? wtf?

My heart goes out to all those in Japan who are affected...hell my heart goes out to the world right now...as we'll all be affected by this for some time. I think it's wonderful how countries from across the world have gotten together to help out in this time of need.

*deep breath...inhale...exhale....* and now... I'll move on before I digress further...

It made me angry today when I found out that a friend of mine that works at a medical facility, of sorts, was at work when they had no water... none... no facilities for bathroom needs, not able to wash their hands, no running water... so decided to do something about it... hopefully something comes from it...

Since my last post... the Man has moved into the temple for bed time... (the room next to our bedroom)... it's been really kind of odd, hugging him good night and then going separate ways to go to sleep... and I've always said that people who sleep in separate beds are just really odd... yeah... I stick to that.
He asked how I had slept the first night we were apart... I told him that when I finally got to sleep it was good...but I could hear him snoring through the wall... *sighs*
So when he goes back to the Respirology doctor he's going to see if they'll lower the machine so it doesn't hurt when he wears it at night... he too doesn't like sleeping in separate beds. Which..I'm thankful for.
Too bad his next appointment isn't until July 25th... *facepalms*

Got to play with an ipad this past week when in Future Shop getting the boys birthday presents... oooo I liked it... but then again I like the idea of the tablets...

gah... it's taken me hours to get this post out... I'm getting really tired now that it's nearly 1 am...

I'm done for now... update on doctor, the movies and working out maybe tomorrow...

'Cause all of my demons have withered away...Demons, withered away...You'll understand when you go my way...

Somedays...like today... I just lay back and think...

I was sitting here on the futon in the temple, I had just finished an almost two hour workout, the Manchild and I had set up camp in here to get away from the distractions in the living room, namely the Boychild watching Yu-Gi-Oh, so that he could work on an assignment his father gave him to do and I'm writing a couple of papers... I realized I hadn't taken any time since I was rudely awakened by the phone to just sit and be. Sounds crazy I'm sure but I like a few moments of solitude when I first wake up in the morning and to say hello to the day.
So I just laid back and closed my eyes, and when I did I just let random thoughts go swirling about in my head as I just laid there breathing and listening to the music playing and the Manchild writing his paper.

I started thinking about the people in my life that I've deemed important... those I feel close too and those I wish to keep in my life... and those I may need to distance myself from...

I do this on occasion and especially when I feel as if those I wish to spend some time with don't wish to spend any with me... and I'm not talking about calling them once and them saying they're busy... I'm talking about those that when I call, never answer the phone, never return messages, not showing any interest in my life and what's happening in it, those that ask how you're doing and then cut ya off while you're answering because they obviously didn't care in the first place... ya know that type of behaviour that just gives you this feeling that there's either something wrong, or that they don't seem able to make the time to talk to you for five minutes...

Yeah so I was doing that... and whoa I realized that I have a really small circle of friends and even those that were in that close circle in November...their numbers have dwindled further... lost 3...though I gained 2...for now I suppose...we'll see how it goes...

I take stock... I don't find it weird but I suppose others may. I think back to what was going on in my life a year ago, and compare it to now and see if it's better, worse or stayed the same...and am I happy with that?
Then I decide if it's worth changing or if it'll change itself, or if it's worth the bother of saying or doing anything about it. nothing like taking inventory of yourself and your friends.

Does it seem to analytical? or too systematic? I don't know... maybe it does.

It boils down I guess to I trust who I trust and I don't trust those I don't... Trust isn't exactly a hot commodity these days so it's nice to find those people you can trust... even though after so many that you can't... it's just bloody amazing to be able to find it in yourself to trust someone with who you really are.

Another new adventure starting again...this time with Burton...hoping it turns out a lot better then the last couple.
Part of me is sighing and telling I'm stupid for doing this again. Another part is screaming at me that I'm a glutton for punishment. Another part is whispering that she's just another that's going to leave. Where as the majority among the rest are feeling pretty good about this. We'll definitely see though.
History has a tendency of either repeating itself or teaching some much needed lessons...we'll see how it works this time.

So I'll and work on some papers again and see what's what tomorrow when the Man is home.