I Still Love My Babys Poundcake

Sometimes the hardest thing you can ever do is give up...

I've always prided myself on the fact that I don't give up when doing something, or when I want something. I find a way to make it happen if I can.

As a recovering addict, and someone who has an addictive personality sometimes giving up is exactly what I have to do.

I've worked really hard on myself, to make myself better and look at myself in a better light.
I use to drink, do drugs, and have sex essentially wherever I could get it. I had to dig deep and learn some very ugly truths about myself - I was ashamed. I was selfish. I was uncompassionate. I was insecure. I was stupid. I was guilty. I was reckless.

Learning the ugly truths about yourself is how you can learn, grow and change to become a better person.

Counselling, 12 step program, Depression, Anxiety, Therapy...

I didn't want to hurt people anymore. I didn't want to sleep with others husbands...or wives... I didn't want to contribute to their immoral acts against their loved ones. I didn't want to continue to look for love in sex. I didn't want to just be a bed warmer for a few hours, day after day. I didn't want to be a part of disgusting behaviours.
I didn't want to wake up in the mornings anymore not knowing what happened the night before, not remembering who I may have been with and how I may have been with them.

Getting high...Getting drunk...Getting fucked...all pretty euphoric...all pretty addictive.

Soon that's how I would deal with stress...how I dealt with anything really...

Today I had to give up on someone...that's hard. I'm notorious for giving at least eleventy billion chances to people...

Hell I gave Sugarbear 4 years of my life - hoping that he would someday see that I'm a beautiful soul and a great person...that I make an exceptional partner in crime...that we could take on the world together and we would be unstoppable rockstars...
Oh yeah...and it nearly killed me... I nearly killed myself. I nearly lost myself in the depths of the darkest depression.

****

April-ish it would have been one year of me sitting on stand-by, being a pseudo girlfriend, partner in crime...well you get the drift... I told Poundcake this morning that I couldn't do that anymore.
I can't hold onto hope for something that isn't going to happen. I feel like after this long it's become blazingly clear that I'm not the one he wants. If I was, I feel like it would have happened.
So instead of making a fool of myself any longer while he stepped out with another, and drinks his life away...I said goodbye to that portion of our life. It makes my heart sore...we could have been the rockstars...we could have been the ones to take on the world together... we've always had so much fun together... we have so many inside jokes...funny moments that make us giggle... he could have had the love and devotion of someone... I could have had my Poundcake and eat it too...lol

In less time Poundcake... had me - fully and completely.
I told him things I never told anyone - I shared stories with him
We would talk for hours at a time about anything and everything...

Then things started to change...
He looked at his phone more often when I was trying to tell him something.
He stopped asking me about my day or how I'm feeling...
He stopped trying to make me smile as much...
He would say 'Pardon...' more often when I would watch his attention divert...
He became secretive...stopped sharing things with me..
He started drinking even more...would care more about the percentage of the alcohol in the drink than, what I was saying to him...
His quips became less banterish and more cruel...
It became funny to put me down in front of other people...
He stopped showing any signs of PDA... and would give me quick secretive kisses before getting out of the car...
He started caring more about the LCBO, the craft breweries, wineries...we hardly went to fleamarkets or out for walks anymore...
He use to wish me a good morning every morning with a lil emoji kiss...
He use to wish me a good night with a little emoji kiss...
The emoji kisses ...became few and far between...then stopped.

Even when all the changes started...they were all small...so I didn't really notice them...then I woke up one day and went...wait... why am I always texting first now...?

Then I realized it had been like that for a bit, and slowly the light was getting brighter and brighter on all the changes that had been happening...

And there was a dawning - if I'm no longer getting his attention and affections...someone else is..

I had a dream the one night that shook me to the core and I wasn't sure exactly why it shook me - the answer came last night when I saw the two of them together...

The silver fox and the tick disguised as the ladybug.

That's when I knew - I had to be done - because if I wasn't, I would go down the Sugarbear path all over again...

I was in such a white rage last night that I woke up so very calm this morning - that scary, quiet, very still calm - that's when I knew I was done.

I'm convinced now that I will never find someone that I love that will ever love me as much as I love them... Big Daddy... Sugarbear... Poundcake...

I'm done. My heart is broken. I will never find that someone that I love with my all and have them love me. Third strike... I'm out.

How can anyone hurt someone to this point?
How can they know that they have broken another persons heart and spirit?
How can they do that?

Not again.

Just Breathe...

Earlier today I was attempting to make up a post while on my phone and also in the middle of a bit of a mental break...my phone was being an asshat and not allowing me into blogger so that I could type up said post...

Now that I'm home and in a much more peaceful state of mind... I'm really quite happy that my phone prevented  me from being able to post.

Sometimes I think that I shouldn't expose myself to new people and should just save them the hassle of getting to know me, because I can be such a handful at times and trying to the most saintly...

Those that know me really well know that I'm a fairly intense and passionate person. Not necessarily negative and yet not necessarily positive things either. It's just how I am. As I said in a chat earlier today... My happiness when I have it is intense, my sadness is intense, my anger is intense and when horny...well that gets pretty intense...lol
It's like when they were handing out the doses of emotions to everyone I got greedy and ended up with 3 doses to everyone elses 1 dose.

I no longer apologize for this. It's who I am. It's likely why I have to deal with depression.

Where a text message from my Mum asking me if I'd like to come over for Thanksgiving and that she loves me can bring me to tears.

However, that intensity can bring a whole other level of awesomeness when it comes in the form of sex... may also explain a bit about my insatiable never ending libido as well... hmm now there's one I hadn't thought of.

My reward centre is fucked...when it wants something it wants it now and it doesn't want to stop getting it...lol

Anyway... I digress...

Today was a low day... A day were I was preparing for a painful hurt that hasn't happened and doesn't exist. I was prepping for an end that isn't in sight. I tried to skate it out, because sometimes that really helps...today it didn't. I tried laying in the bath and just tried to meditate and relax and let it go...and that didn't help.

I started chatting it out with Burton...and by 'started chatting it out' I sort of blind-sided her with a bit of a meltdown... Sometimes a level head that's 3000 miles away is what you need. And the convincing me that I should just say something to Sugarbear instead of fretting over what was probably nothing...
btw - no probably about it... it was nothing.
not that I want to discredit my own emotions...just sometimes they are like a run away train...especially around the end of the month...lol

I need to stop complicating shit...and I need to stop letting my brain convince me that everything is going to go to shit.

I also realized that I need to go back to taking my vitamin D...especially now that we'll be heading into winter again.

Taking a deep breath...

On the list of things marked as 'Other'...
I'm officially finished my job, need to find another it seems.
Skating is going to resume this Thursday,,,can't wait to get back to training. Although not looking forward to all the 'business' that goes along with the league.
I've been so sad, my beautiful friend Monette's 24 year old daughter died. And just a couple weeks ago my wonderful friend Judy lost her battle with cancer, leaving her lovely wife Oklahoma behind. I'm too far away from either of them to even give them a hug and tell them I love them.
Also.. I CANNOT wait until the hallowe'en party that's coming up in 24 days...!!

Hallowe'en 2012

Hallowe'en 2013

So Much To Say...

I'm not even sure where exactly I should start this point...

Went to a Lioness Meeting where they dress up as Witches.
I won most original costume...wore my own clothes...lol

It's been just over a week since my last post... (wow that sort of took on a Catholic confession for a moment...)

Forgive me Padre it's been 9 days since my last confession... lol

In all seriousness... a lot has happened... or at least it seems a lot has happened.

I'm feeling really frazzled. I've never been one for being alone as most people who know me know... during the day when the Boychild is here and awake...not so bad.

When here while he's in school or after he's gone to bed... I want to be anywhere then here... well.. that's not entirely true I suppose... let's be honest... there is somewhere else I would much rather be...

Though I guess I should zip backward so that I don't get out of order in my own head.

Last Tuesday... last Tuesday was October 8th. It had been one full year since I had seen Bing. No biggie right? Riiiiight.

First time in four years that I haven't seen him. One full year of wondering how he's doing... One full year of wondering if he might still care about how I am... One full year of worrying about triggers of panic and anxiety attacks... One full year of hating how I had to say good bye to him... One full year of hiding all my feelings all the time... One full year... and I didn't fall apart... It didn't kill me... So that means I'm stronger now... right?

No matter. C'est la vie. He's doing well. It does surprise some people that I talk to that I still keep in touch with him.

So needless to say last Tuesday was most definitely not a good day for me. Enough said.

I planned on doing up a Thanksgiving dinner for those of us that come and hang out for game night on Fridays. Krammit (and her son), Nickle and Rob (their eldest), The Man and I (both our kids), Leethal and her hubby (Penalizer), Pinky, Tai and Burton was flying back home for the weekend.

So went out and got all the grub and started prepping it... found out the Penalizer wouldn't be coming he got a cook gig as a monster at a local haunted house thing and was doing that the night of. So down to 13 people...cool beans... I could do that. Then figure he'd be coming over after he was down scaring, so kept him in the count after all, just in case he was hungry.

Actually kind of made it easier. Then Thursday morning the Man and I are awoken by a phone call from his mother...she had found his step father in bed that morning, stone cold and dead. Not a nice thing to wake up to. So Thursday while I was prepping some of the food for the next night the Man spent the day trying to figure out how he could get up north (the buses only run on Sunday and Wednesdays). Ended up finding out that his father's step daughter and her husband were heading up north for the weekend...leaving on Friday after work. Of course...

So down to 12 (13ish) people for dinner. Not a problem.

Friday rolls around and I'm cooking and peeling and mashing... Had to go drop off the Man at a local car dealership so he could head up north. Picked up Burton from her hair appointment, packed up the car with the kids and the food and head to Nickle and Rob's...

To find 3 extra people there... O.o

Um.

Nearly lost it but...didn't.

Never did specifically say 'please make sure that no one else comes'... and it was regular game night... I just already always freak out that I might have made enough food when I'm feeding groups of people. I was upset at my sweet potatoes.. but meh.

The other couple that were there were really gracious about the food and enjoyed it. No idea if Rob's eldest's girlfriend had any an whether or not she enjoyed it.

Everyone else said that they enjoyed it. That made me glad.

Saturday I got up and realized that I had a shoe situation... which was... I have no good shoes that fit. I have my favourites... my mary janes... but I realized last year while in Reno that they didn't fit anymore :(
So I ran out to Wally's World and managed to score 3 pairs of shoes for 30$...which after finding 21$ in an old purse means I actually paid 9$ for 3 pairs of new shoes...
Always a bad idea though to wear brand new shoes to a wedding... so I'm glad that one of the 3 pair are a pair of flats that fit into my purse. I lasted until we got to the table for dinner...which is when I switched my shoes...lol
Right..! So Saturday I went to a wedding with Burton... The Nerd was flying off to Barcelona for another convention so I got to be his fill in for the evening. I was really nervous...I've only met the bride and groom once or twice in passing mainly. No idea who was going to be there.

Couple of sexy bitches heading to some sweet nuptials.

Burton's family was very welcoming and the awkwardness I felt didn't last very long at all. Though her one sister-in-law... wow...very touchy feely type of person... that threw me a bit at first.

Watched the nuptials, drank some, ate some, danced some... I enjoyed myself.

I can't help but wonder how long I'll have an underlying sadness to everything when I'm enjoying myself...?

Sunday... Thanksgiving again... Manchild had to work... the Man was gone... so it was Mum, Sis, Boychild and I...smallest dinner we've had in years... but was still nice...

Until I jokingly said to Mum that if/when the Man and I ever get married I was going to invite Burton's Dutch family because they're awesome... instead of asking me how they are or what makes them awesome... she turns around and says... When you get married you have to become monogamous you know... *shakes head* to which I responded with... no I don't...who says?

Don't get how or why it's any of anyone elses business whether or not Ryan and I are monogamous or not... It's not like I flaunt it in anyone's face.
For the most part those I'm getting naked with or for is a complete secret... mainly because they're married.

*snickers* but... shh!  ;)

Awesome new Hoodie...

Dashie Hoodie!!

Monday... I picked up Manchild Sunday night as I was heading home and he stayed again which was nice... I picked Burton up at her parents house and we made the trek across the border... funny... on the bridge I pick up my phone to prevent roaming charges and she picks hers up to turn it on...
Anyway...went to see PirateAnnie and PirateBobby...had a light lunch and chatted...picked up my awesome new hoodie and then I took Burton to the airport...

I couldn't go in... I really wanted to so that I could see her to the security line and give her a wave... but I just couldn't. As soon as I saw the airport my chest started tightening and my heart started racing... and I just had to breathe through it... I hugged her and waved bye to her from the parking garage instead... much like I did to Roo :(
I felt bad...
I made it to Fort Erie before I had to pull over and just let the shakes over take me and let me cry... it was like as soon as I was back on safe ground my body just wouldn't let me hold off any longer... didn't get the dry heaves but nearly felt I was going to... just thinking about it now my palms get clammy and my heart starts again...

I got home...made some dinner for the boys... then had to drive Manchild back to his dads...

I want the Man to come home. :(

Where Have All The Flowers Gone...?

I keep thinking of things I'd like to post or ideas I have or thoughts that I'd like to get out...

Than I sit down at the computer and draw a blank.

One of these days I'll update a whole bunch and it'll take me hours, but for the last couple of weeks... I've been really really guarded and not wanting to express too much... because in my own head I've been having a real hard time of it.

I'm thankful for the friends that I can just drop in on or help out... I'm thankful for my school work... and I'm thankful that I'm about to be overwhelmed by a lot of sewing and knitting in the coming days... I'm thankful I got enough points in my Social Psych course that I'll be getting a Statement of Accomplishment!

Yeah it's almost Thanksgiving...can you tell...

Yeah... me too... I really hate September and October now.

I can't breathe.
I hate being sick.

Observation.

It's been a year since I made an omelette.

Ass Is Getting Away

Holy hell...

I was in a good mood last night...this morning I've woken up feeling as though it might be unsafe to leave the bathroom...

Glad I don't have to do anything today until this evening...

Had wanted to go to the gym...but...blarg I got an hour at least if not an hour and a half of skating last night...that's a lot of cardio...

*le sigh* I hate feeling nauseous...

I Notice...

Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly running to catch up...

I was reminded in a conversation last night with a friend of mine why it was that I don't really trust people who tell me that they love me and that they are my friend...

It generally gets to a point where those who are my friends go off and find people who they'd rather hang out with... and I start to get left by the wayside...I get it...

season...reason...lifetime...

sometimes the reason comes and goes and there's nothing I can do to hang onto them...they just slowly fade away...

some fade more slowly some not so much...

what's worse is knowing that they're fading away and watching them have fun with others...or still seeing them but feel them pull away from me with each time we get together...

I used to think I was being paranoid...but when it's happened that way so many times I can't help but see the signs now...

what's worse is when the other persons involved don't even realize that it's happening...all of a sudden one day they'll say 'oh hey we haven't hung out in a long time' ... or ... 'we should totally get together because we haven't in a long time'

they've been so busy that they don't notice...but what they don't know is that I noticed...I don't have many people in my life and when they start fading away... I notice.


I don't blame them...I'm not a very exciting person.

Odd Things...Indeed...Squirrel!

I was bombarded last night with some really odd dreams...oh and as I said to Burton today via text... I must have been really fucking ugly last night...I went to bed at 12:30 am and woke up at 12:30pm today...wtf eh?

I ran into Dwayne and he and I went out get a cup of coffee and when we were walking out after an hour of visiting or so, we hugged by his car and as I said 'I've really missed you' I broke down crying and we just stood there hugging for a long time. He said that he had missed me too and that we would have to get together for coffee more often.

talk about odd...

few others that were weird was watching a group of marines while overseas...was helping them (sort of) I'm fuzzy about the details now... probably should have typed this up just after waking up...

another...

I went out and started slaughtering people on Valentine's Day...I mean I felt like it on Tuesday but not really enough that I figured there'd be any residual after effects that would make me dream about killing people...

I have to say though that I was quite impressed by all the ways I was killing tem and also by how efficient I was...

so besides weird dreams...

I went out with Burton on Saturday, went over to Buffalo to go visit PirateGirl. Well that and Burton had some stuff delivered to PirateGirls house. Went out and PirateGirl took us for lunch at a place called Betty's, I had the best burger. Oh...and the best bacon. Spar's bacon equals Epic Yummy Bacon!
I'm glad that I get to hang with Burton when I'm depressed...she doesn't badger me about what's wrong or doesn't try to force me to open up. She just tells me she hearts my face and we go on about the day.
Bought a lovely bottle of Twisted Moscato. Twisted is a winery from California...they make the first white wine that I enjoy. And I also like their White Zinfendal...their old vine zinfendal not as good. lol

Then Sunday we hung out again sort of... went to a Scentsy party that Burton was the consultant at. I had only met the Hostess once and that was at another party where I didn't know the hostess very well...it was interesting. And a bit of Fun. Saw Nickle again as well.

Burton asked me if I wanted to go out with her on Friday (as in tomorrow), going to... could use some dance floor time and can't get drunk on one bottle of wine so...we'll have to see how I do tomorrow. lol

so I'm being distracted by other things so I think I'll save the rest of my updating until after the weekend maybe...

How Long Is To Long To Care?

I think I'm done...

for those who know me and will read this ... the comments of  'it's about time' will probably come up...

The Drunken Monkey had come back into my life... as I've said in other posts he had apologized to me for being such a douchebaggy dick head all those years ago, asked if we could be friends (to which I responded with alright after his explanation of how he didn't have any left anymore)... I know I'm not the first person to be friends with their exes... I much prefer that to having hatred toward someone...



He's always had a bit of a drinking problem... hence his name... it used to be used to blow off steam.. but now it just seems like every time I'm talking to him he is so drunk and high on meds...I don't take the bullshit answer of it was because of having been in the military... yeah sure I know how the American military can really fuck up the men and women that end up naively signing up...

There's been a few times where he's told me that part of the reason he drinks is to deal with the pain and memories of his past and his past fuck ups... I get that... as someone who used to drink everyday to numb it all I understand it all to well... but there's a time when you have to stop, get through the pain of it all and get on with live and getting drunk on a couple bottles of vodka just isn't going to do it...

I have to keep from crying as I remember how he used to be and what it is that he's turned into... I complain to him that he only ever calls me when he's drunk and or stoned on his meds... but he assures me that the only time he drinks is the nights he calls me... I call shenanigans on that shit... then the other night he drunk skypes me and I again mention the drinking and how he needs to stop... and he tells me that when talking to me is when he feels like drinking... that I make him have the need to drink...

Tonight I'm in the midst of a normal conversation with someone else and all of a sudden up comes my skype and it's him... totally fucking wasted... talking to me about how he's started a vlog... he recorded 5 videos in one night... and you could see the progression... or I should say the digression from totally sober and funny, to drunk and dumb...

He's very charismatic... drunk or sober... could likely sell a freezer to an eskimo... I find my heart so heavy after talking/listening to his ramblings... and discussing his drinking again...it doesn't help that he seems to genuinely care about my opinion about everything except his drinking... I just want to cry...

And it has nothing to do with being in love with him or anything like that ... I know that I'm not anymore... I do care for him on some level or else I would so easily be able to turn my back on him and let him pickle himself...

it's like I have this ridiculous notion that I could help him...and I guess that's what saddens me the most...

I told him that if talking to me makes him feel the urges to drink then maybe I should just not talk to him anymore... then he'd have no reason to drink anymore... he just went into some rant about how the raspberry vodka he had tasted like shit so he was going to just guzzle that one but the cotton candy vodka he would sip because he actually liked the taste of it... didn't even hear what I had actually said...

*sighs*

I think I need to call him when he's sober and have a talk with him about no longer talking to him when he's been drinking... I'm tired of feeling sad and on the verge of crying after talking to him...

So Why Get Excited Then?

I had started this really dumb blogpost about remembering how today was the day that Big Daddy left a year ago... and I had started to get sort of emotional about it... only because I still miss him...

But really I suppose it's dumb to get all emotional about something that happened a year ago...

So instead...

I know it's probably really lame to still get excited about my birthday like a little kid... but I really do... I have some plans with my sister set up but not much beyond that...

I dunno is it strange that I'm turning 32 and looking forward to it?

I suppose a lot of people will think that's lame but... I dunno... I guess I'm sort of lame, hell i've already been called weird, crazy, insane among many other things.

Last year for my birthday I ended up at the Dixieland stampede with my sister and some guy I barely knew down in Tennessee... at least I'll be around my whole family this birthday... the two birthdays before the last one my mom and sister weren't even in the same province with me.

I still get a bit bitter when I think about how when my sister and man turned 30 they got taken to Medieval Times and when I turned 30 I didn't even get a phone call from my mom and sister who were out celebrating my aunts birthday in Saskatchewan rather then being here.

When my sister turned 18 she got a party at a hall and all her friends and family were there...when I turned 18 I was given a card.

I don't think my mom has ever sat down and thought about what's happened during my birthdays and how I might feel.

I know I don't say anything about how I've felt about them... but because in the grand scheme of things I know that my birthday isn't important to anyone but me.

I know that the Man will try to make sure that I have a good day and I know that the Boychild will hug me and say happy birthday...Big Daddy and the Manchild likely won't even remember that it's my birthday until the next time they talk to me... but in all likelihood I'll get all excited that it's my birthday and then go to bed feeling meh about it...

I know that I won't get anywhere near the facebook messages that I got last year wishing me a happy birthday because I set it so only I can see that portion of my profile...

So whatever happens and whom ever remembers my birthday, I'm going to make the best of it.

starting tomorrow.

as soon as I get rid of this nasty headache that's been plaguing me for the last few days.

Questions That Sometimes Go Through My Head...

When they do an autopsy on a person who has a hairy chest do they shave them before doing the Y incision?

When men sit to use the toilet do they just let their junk hang in the bowl or do they hold onto it?

How is pooping on someone erotic?

If love isn't enough, then what else does there need to be?

Why has there been such a huge influx on those that are born with peanut allergies?

How come anytime my hands are wet or gooey I get an itchy spot inside my ear?

Why do some people decide to get on a soap box and get all preachy when they should stop and take a look at their own home life first?

Why is it that a certain scent can turn one person on and yet not another person?

Is there a such thing as a soul mate?

Is it normal for two people to feel strong bonds between them yet to be so far away from each other?

If pretending to be something you're not is lying, are all actors liars?

Why do I feel like I'm so much more abnormal then other people?

Which would be better living in a Lighthouse or living in an Observatory?

Can you see the difference, I can't see the difference?

Why are tampon/pad commercials so fucking stupid?

Is it normal to see someone walking down the street and visualize yourself bashing them over the head with something?

Who decided that another word for vagina should be 'pussy'?

Why is it I would prefer to sleep during the day and stay awake all night?

Why can't I just think about nothing?

Jumble...

Man Up Marine!

I can't help but wonder if that always works to get a marine to do what you want them to. I mean it seems to work in the movies and tv shows... someone wants them to say or do something or to fess up to something and they say that too them and you see the muscles in the side of the marines jaw tense up as they get a bit riled by that and then they do it... whatever that it might be.

So I can't help but wonder if their programming during their time has made it so that they respond to that whether they want to or not.

just another odd thing that I end up thinking about for a few days because of some television show or movie...

*****

So I was once asked... why did I drink and do so many drugs when I was younger...

I can only say that it's because I love the feeling of flying... ever since I was a little girl and we flew to Florida for summer break I had tried to recapture that feeling a whole lot... you'd think I would have gone to school to become a stewardess or some such... but nope I didn't... silly me.

Then again when I graduated from high school I had little choices about travelling around the world in an airplane... not when I had a one year old out in the audience that day yelling 'Yay Mommy!' when I got my diploma... how could I leave that little boy to travel the world just to get my high...

I'm not an alcoholic anymore... and I'm not a drug addict anymore... but I still like that high... and every once in awhile it's like an old friend who pops by for a visit... like visiting friends though you have to know when to leave... sure you let them stay a day or so but then you try to nicely explain to them that they need to go home now... I'll drink. I'll even smoke one or two. I never let them control me now though... I'm not as stupid as I used to be.

I never smoke around my children, I never smoke when they're awake or if I know that they could wake up... I'll have one or two drinks but won't let my kids ever see me drunk... the high from both is no longer worth more then the respect of my children.

Usually if I have something really stressful happen in my life I will do one or the other for a few days... but instead of getting the high I get rest and relaxation. I get a mini vacation away from my issues... after that mini vacay and some time to look at the issue through a haze... I'm able to work through it...

I'm quite sure that there are quite a few shrinks and psychologists that would have a hayday telling me how wrong that is... but hey that's how I roll.

So I drink myself until I feel good then move forward from what's bothering me...

Apparently surrounding myself with people and trying to not be alone... doesn't work. Just makes me uncomfortable and irritated. That and really bad company.

*****

I used to think that when people would say 'Pick Your Battles' they were just lazy and didn't want to stand up for what's worthy of a fight...

Now having said that I would have to say... "WOW there are so many people that need to just fucking relax already."

But then again I also like the whole fix what's broken at home before you attempt to save the world... and yet I know so many people who are so gung-ho about trying to save the world and yet their home life could definitely use some polishing... badly.

Then there are those who have a wonderful family who don't pay too much attention to what's going on around the world.

So... hmm...

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay... Awake when I'm asleep

You thought I was joking when I came out of the bathroom logged in to tell you in front of your online friends that I was displeased with what just happened... you laughed it off... you made it seem like it was no big deal... well it was.

I may fall asleep afterward and that might seem like a bad thing, but I fall asleep right after because I'm at a place where I'm content and comfortable, and it usually only happens while you're still around...

To come out of the bathroom to find you on the couch and latched onto your new addiction instead of coming back to bed with me... just reaffirmed what I was already thinking when you said you weren't tired...

IMVU is not the whole world... I was on it as a way to just do nothing with my brain for the night... you were on it when I woke up, you were on it after you came home from the store and while we watched a movie, you were on it straight until we went to bed... and then... afterwards you went out there and sat down and logged on it again rather then coming to cuddle or even just lay in bed with me...

tell me how does that feel... is this pay back for my insomniac episodes where I wouldn't come to bed because I would get frustrated and angry and toss and turn because no matter what I couldn't fall asleep?

And how about you... Mr. get me all set up and then 'ok go have fun I'm going to be over here with someone else'... can't even seem to work up enough oomph to log into WE so that we can rp but you can push me aside so that you can go rp on Spin Dizzy... knowing that I had no idea who anyone was or even what a lot of the commands there are... literally just tossed me in with a pack of wolves... sure I probably could have just logged out and not gone back but I was curious I just didn't realize I would have to meet like 15 others all by myself knowing nothing about the game...

Or how about you... you log in and you tell me all about the gold digging sluts who find you on plenty of fish and how they insult you... and I talk to about how crappy that is... and then totally avoid me for two days... only to find out that yeah you got my messages but you would rather play WoW, then talk to me for a couple of minutes when I need an ear...

What about you... Mr in the fucking country can't even be bothered to pick up a telephone and say 'Hey, I'm here family is great, won't be able to see ya but wanted to say hi' ... and then you wonder why I'm a little bit cold when you finally send me a message a few months later...

And you... I tell you that I really am just going to need a friend and that maybe 'persuing' me could you know take a back burner, since we're so much a like that maybe just maybe I could use someone unbiased to be an ear for me so that I can sort a few things out... you say 'yeah sure Rae no problem I can do that' and then fucking disappear... right yeah... not impressed with you either...

And to the three out of the four of you... you better fucking shape up and get your acts in gear or you're all going to be in for a big surprise... I'm not wasting my time week after week to see the three of you fiddle fucking fart around and not take this shit seriously... I have as you can tell, way more on my plate that could use my attention...

Riiight... and you two... oh yes, you two... fuck off, leave me alone. You don't read my blog and I really don't think I'd care at this point if you did, I'm sick of you two acting like small children who had their ball taken away, you're not the end all and be all, you are not the almighty and all powerful you think you are... get over yourselves and grow the fuck up already, you're older then me for christ's sake...

Can you tell it's been a great week... all I can say is this last week has made me want nothing more then to take this trip next week... omg I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to this trip to Reno... only down point is it's only the weekend... but fuck that I'll take what I can get right now...

I miss you...

Open Letter...

Though things got figured out ... the cost truly out weighs the gain in my mind...

I love you for doing it... but it hurt my heart to lose what it is I wanted so much.

I hope that you can forgive me for being irresponsible and that we can still do what it is we had started to plan for... I feel like shit because it's not just me that's losing out... that you did too... and you didn't fault me for it, you didn't blame me... you told me you'd take care of it... and you did... but it doesn't make me feel better.. it makes me feel worse...

When you had said 'you never know what will happen' I didn't even think that the 'what' that would happen would be me... *sighs*

I love you and I'm really sorry for being a fuck up...

I have no right to ask if we might be able to in May... but I kinda hope you'll think about the long weekend...

I'm sorry.

Change... ?

Sometimes you have to wonder why it is that everything just can't all go right all at once...

When one thing is going great something else is going to fall down...

and so goes the cycle of life... when one aspect of my life is going along well then something else is going to flub up... and so it has happened...

Everything had been going real well... for over a year now... then a few mismanagements and some carelessness... here I am again...

Communication will be limited to nothing after Saturday... again...

One day I'll get this right and it'll be longer then year... maybe it'll be never again... I had just wanted to give my kids a christmas...

Now apparently is when I get to pay for it with something I love doing...

See The Light That's Right Before My Eyes

I think sometimes that some of you forget...

I see you.

*points finger at a couple of you*

I see you log on, what you've read, how long you were here and which door you left through.

do you think I'm fuckin stupid?

Enjoy.

*laughs*

Oh Freedom Is Mine And I Know How I Feel, It's A New Dawn It's A New Day It's A New Life For Me And I'm Feeling So Good...

a headache that won't quit after 6 days... dizziness... lack of appetite... and 4 episodes in one day...

yeah should probably go see a doctor...

*sighs and shrugs*

maybe it'll just pass.

*yep title is longer then the post*

And So I Cry Sometimes When I'm Laying In Bed Just To Get It All Out What's In My Head...

nails says, "46 would be big enough for my apartment, but not for my ego"

nails is compensating

nails says, "for your small penis?"

nails says, "oof"

nails says, "you should go for a 70"."

Sorad says, "I have a 55" CRT rear-projection. It is very bulky."

nails nods

nails has DLP rear proj

nails says, "I didn't want to pay an extra grand for a flat screen with worse contrast"

You say, "I only have a 15 inch crt, does that mean I have a huge penis?"

nails says, "Dwy, satellites can see your junk from space"

Tiamat admires Dwy's junk

Sorad says, "Is that what keeps hitting me in the ey?"

nails touches Dwy's junk. without getting up off the couch. in NH.

Sorad says, "It knocked a damned 'e' off."

Dwyvach loses it laughing.

You say, "I almost choked on my popcorn"

nails says, "are you just going to do guitar? skip the whole kit?"

You say, "thanks I needed that, helps make me forget my arm is killing me"

nails hugs Dwy. "you strained it? had to pee?"

Sorad says, "Or masturbate?"

Sorad shudders.

Dwyvach laughs and shakes her head

You say, "Nah nails can do that for me in NH"

nails says, "I just tickle the tip. Sorad works the shaft."

Narkash says, "Masturbation takes a team of 250 strategically placed throughout the Mid-Atlantic region"

I know longer feel comfortable posting personal stuff here, which would explain the long bouts of silence....

there's a couple of people that no longer even speak to me that read my blog and then decide to spew hate about me behind my back...

So... so much for my own place on the web... enjoy any of the stuff I do decide to put up.

... not even listening to music ...

Sometimes I have one of those days where I sit and wonder all day long why I even bothered to get out of bed...

I know we all have those days...



I woke up to a message to me in my inbox of someone complaining about and talking about someone else. Had to deal with that one.
I then in the midst of my afternoon had the someone else that was referred to in the mentioned message above knock on my door and need to talk about the person who sent the message.
After thinking about the situation I sat down and wrote them both one email, stressing that whatever is going on is not nearly as important as the community that needs them. And should they want to I'm available to talk with both over a tea to get it all straightened out once and for all...

So after that... I log on to some blah-ness on the game... deal with that stuff... realize that I'm not even in a frame of mind to play let's pretend and escape into game time... especially after she decides to page me which leaves me sitting here frowning at my screen going 'wtf does she want?' - he figures she just totally forgot who I was in game... uh huh... sure.

I find myself sitting here clicking on facebook games that have no rhyme or reason and are just mind numbingly boring...while chatting away with Bing... good times... then after a small bout of jealousy rearing up... he's off finding food for over an hour...while I sit here dozing... to have him come back so angry about something that happened while he was afk that he's found that he can't even sit and talk to me because he was so angry he couldn't be coherent... talk about colouring me surprised...

So I've been left with this shitty feeling because of really... everyone else's bad day...

Tomorrow's Sunday... I'm wondering if I should just not chance it and stay in bed until Tuesday... because my Saturday just felt like a Monday... big time...

*sighs* I'm going to bed. fuck this shit.

Te quiero papi ... I love you fry guy ...

Sleep In Peace When Day Is Done

I really did want to sit down and do up a new blog post...

and now that I am... I'm just too emotionally drained...

had a rough day

and never did get any better at the end... even doing the normal things to try to cheer up from it...

*sighs*

Oh well... can only hope that tomorrow will be better.

Hope you had a good day.

Lo siento mi amor.