I've always prided myself on the fact that I don't give up when doing something, or when I want something. I find a way to make it happen if I can.
As a recovering addict, and someone who has an addictive personality sometimes giving up is exactly what I have to do.
I've worked really hard on myself, to make myself better and look at myself in a better light.
I use to drink, do drugs, and have sex essentially wherever I could get it. I had to dig deep and learn some very ugly truths about myself - I was ashamed. I was selfish. I was uncompassionate. I was insecure. I was stupid. I was guilty. I was reckless.
Learning the ugly truths about yourself is how you can learn, grow and change to become a better person.
Counselling, 12 step program, Depression, Anxiety, Therapy...
I didn't want to hurt people anymore. I didn't want to sleep with others husbands...or wives... I didn't want to contribute to their immoral acts against their loved ones. I didn't want to continue to look for love in sex. I didn't want to just be a bed warmer for a few hours, day after day. I didn't want to be a part of disgusting behaviours.
I didn't want to wake up in the mornings anymore not knowing what happened the night before, not remembering who I may have been with and how I may have been with them.
Getting high...Getting drunk...Getting fucked...all pretty euphoric...all pretty addictive.
Soon that's how I would deal with stress...how I dealt with anything really...
Today I had to give up on someone...that's hard. I'm notorious for giving at least eleventy billion chances to people...
Hell I gave Sugarbear 4 years of my life - hoping that he would someday see that I'm a beautiful soul and a great person...that I make an exceptional partner in crime...that we could take on the world together and we would be unstoppable rockstars...
Oh yeah...and it nearly killed me... I nearly killed myself. I nearly lost myself in the depths of the darkest depression.
****
April-ish it would have been one year of me sitting on stand-by, being a pseudo girlfriend, partner in crime...well you get the drift... I told Poundcake this morning that I couldn't do that anymore.
I can't hold onto hope for something that isn't going to happen. I feel like after this long it's become blazingly clear that I'm not the one he wants. If I was, I feel like it would have happened.
So instead of making a fool of myself any longer while he stepped out with another, and drinks his life away...I said goodbye to that portion of our life. It makes my heart sore...we could have been the rockstars...we could have been the ones to take on the world together... we've always had so much fun together... we have so many inside jokes...funny moments that make us giggle... he could have had the love and devotion of someone... I could have had my Poundcake and eat it too...lol
In less time Poundcake... had me - fully and completely.
I told him things I never told anyone - I shared stories with him
We would talk for hours at a time about anything and everything...
Then things started to change...
He looked at his phone more often when I was trying to tell him something.
He stopped asking me about my day or how I'm feeling...
He stopped trying to make me smile as much...
He would say 'Pardon...' more often when I would watch his attention divert...
He became secretive...stopped sharing things with me..
He started drinking even more...would care more about the percentage of the alcohol in the drink than, what I was saying to him...
His quips became less banterish and more cruel...
It became funny to put me down in front of other people...
He stopped showing any signs of PDA... and would give me quick secretive kisses before getting out of the car...
He started caring more about the LCBO, the craft breweries, wineries...we hardly went to fleamarkets or out for walks anymore...
He use to wish me a good morning every morning with a lil emoji kiss...
He use to wish me a good night with a little emoji kiss...
The emoji kisses ...became few and far between...then stopped.
Even when all the changes started...they were all small...so I didn't really notice them...then I woke up one day and went...wait... why am I always texting first now...?
Then I realized it had been like that for a bit, and slowly the light was getting brighter and brighter on all the changes that had been happening...
And there was a dawning - if I'm no longer getting his attention and affections...someone else is..
I had a dream the one night that shook me to the core and I wasn't sure exactly why it shook me - the answer came last night when I saw the two of them together...
The silver fox and the tick disguised as the ladybug.
That's when I knew - I had to be done - because if I wasn't, I would go down the Sugarbear path all over again...
I was in such a white rage last night that I woke up so very calm this morning - that scary, quiet, very still calm - that's when I knew I was done.
I'm convinced now that I will never find someone that I love that will ever love me as much as I love them... Big Daddy... Sugarbear... Poundcake...
I'm done. My heart is broken. I will never find that someone that I love with my all and have them love me. Third strike... I'm out.
How can they know that they have broken another persons heart and spirit?
How can they do that?
Not again.
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