The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

It's not that I haven't had a whole lot to say it's more like I've had so much to say that I just haven't wanted to sit down and type out all the feels that have been happening for the last few months...normally I would sit and open up completely to my blog in a post but lately I've been very hesitant to do that in fear of those in my life who read it thinking they know better then I and making decisions based on stuff from here...

What happens with my blog posts is 'usually'...I feel something strongly I blog about it and generally the anxiety that comes from those feels goes away...like draining a wound...before it builds up too much pressure and explodes...ick nice visual there...

Well I haven't been doing that...all the anxiety has been building up and making me feel like I'm going crazy... panic attacks, depression, and lots of anxiety related issues...

Avoidance and 'trying to forget about it' had been working very well...but then I noticed that as more stressors came along my reserve would start to crack a bit...and as it cracked more and more that's when things started to affect me even more...

I would get the shakes and be paralyzed, my heart would be racing and my breathing shallow and even a bit laboured as tears would fill my eyes... or I wouldn't be able to catch my breath and would start to panic and start crying... or I would fall into these moods where nothing seemed to matter anymore, where no reason was ever good enough to do something because 'why bother we're all going to die and no one will even notice we were here eventually'... or I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything anyone was saying to me...they might as well have been Charlie Brown's teacher. I could see their mouths moving and hear their voices but nothing they said would make sense to me so I would just shrug and walk away...

The situations I was reliving over and over in mind were enough to drive me batty... I'm here, I'm not here then I'm here again...and it could happen as fast as a blink of the eye or...as slow as an hour... I would forget where I was and where I was going or why I was going there...

I would forget about caring.

I kept all this from everyone around me...especially the Man...

I didn't want him knowing how broken I was feeling...I didn't want anyone to know that I was a lot more broken then I was... and maybe I didn't even realize just how broken I had become

It obviously became more and more evident to me and I was still trying to keep it to myself and say that I was fine... but I wasn't.

Still not, I suppose. However, I'm alright with that. It hasn't made me too insane and I haven't gone catatonic so... I'm not 'that' broken.

I also hadn't been putting anything here because the last time I did I got a message from Squasha asking if I was still hung up on Private Pyle and the last time I talked to Bing about any of this his attitude was 'it's been 3 months what the hell? get over it'

I claim all fault for my own... I no longer say He broke my heart... I know it was my own fault... I know that it was all because of me.

Not going to throw blame around.

I am the one that fell in love.
I am the one who believed in fairy tales, love songs, rom coms...
I am the one that believed I could have a happy ending.
I am the one who believed that happiness could be mine.
I am the one who believed everything he ever said.
I am the one who made up the fantasy that maybe just maybe my love could change someone.
...and so on...

They say talking helps...apparently that is not something that he follows so I'll find another way.

Probably wasn't exactly the best thing to say to him but it was true when I told him I wanted to have the type of Friendship I have with DrunkenMonkey with him.

*shrugs*

We talk about life, our families, our significant others, our kids, our hobbies...we're friends. I don't think Bing really wanted to continue to be friends, can't seem to have conversations like that with him. We did talk like that once, a long time ago...but I think that was more of an act, part of the chase, part of him trying to make himself feel like he's still got it so to speak. Which makes me a bit sad, because, again, I believed him when he said we still would be talking and friends when I left, I knew I should have just followed my instincts and figured I'd never talk to him again.

Oh well.

When it comes right down to it... I'm a tiny ant on a giant rock hurling it's way through space until it's accompanying star decides to die out and I freeze to death with the rest of the little ants.
;) (that's right sometimes I am a joy) lol

I've been keeping myself busy...going out with Burton...going to the gym...going to watch practices...going out with Piper...just trying to get out a lot...

We're talking about moving...not the big move to B.C. that'll take time and some money...but downsizing to something more affordable housing wise so that we can put more money away toward the big move... One does not simply pick up and move into BC...lol

I think it would be really good for me to get out of this house as well... a lot of changes of stuff and what not have happened here in the last few years...but it's still the house that he was at...

So I suppose part of it is downsizing the other part is running away from a ghost that haunts me here. Either way they're both really good reasons to me.

 I don't believe I'm mopey... I believe I have finally been broken of my optimism and have been turned into a realist now...

For now I'll write what I need to...I'll write what I want...I will no longer feel responsible for how others take what I write. (and maybe later I'll actually write about stuff that's happening outside of me)

Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love. ~Christian (Moulin Rouge)

Too...many feels.