I Hate Feeling So Weak.

I do not like to be seen as weak ...ever.

I struggle with accepting that my 'issues' are actually 'mental illness'. Depression and Anxiety...to be even more specific.

I don't just come right out and tell people that I have these issues. I have enough outward health issues that I don't want to scare people away.

I have a fucked up tendon in my thumb that goes into my wrist (that's the latest issue), respiratory issues with my lungs (obvi), of course my ongoing heart condition, my ankle which will start to bother me when I stand too long...

I try very hard to not complain about my aches pains bumps or bruises...and I definitely do not complain to people about my mental illness when it's flaring up and getting the better of me.

When the sneak up and become larger then my life seems to be I try very hard to get away from the hub bub of every day and recharge...generally somewhere quiet and when it gets really bad somewhere in nature.

Burton and I going to Red Spiral was a very good recharge for me when we would go to Egansville to Raven's Knoll.

The last couple of years though I've not had a chance to get away to do a recharge...it's really creeping up on me. I've had SBs place to get some quiet when I need...he and I have been to the beach a few times and being in the water helps...but it's not quite the same.

When my brain gets too loud...and life is too loud it makes me want to shut down. It makes me irritable, and angry at the littlest of things. Last week while the boys were gone things got much worse, having to deal with a bunch of derby stuff for the intake, the house with all the animals - and the messes that I was coming home to, the chaos that is working on the farm and a lack of sleep.

I have a support system that don't even know how much I depend on them to make sure I don't do stupid things. SB had saved me 3 times last month and he doesn't even realize it.

I broke down and told #DD about what had been going through my head...and I feel as though I shouldn't have done that. I had just gotten really close to the end of my rope and he's been there for me in the past.
I just know that he has so many other things and other stressors that he has to deal with.

I just need to get away and go sit in a bush for a couple of days...and for the first time I don't mean the slang term for a womans vagina.

I have so many other things to write about and post but I just don't have the time at the moment... I need to go to bed again so that I can go to work in a few hours.