"intelligent input darlin' why don't you just go and have another beer then?"

took last two pills...

So now... I have a confession to make... after all this talk from me about how all us bloggers only talk about the surface superficial stuff...


I quit smoking almost four years ago... it's been a daily struggle for me to not light up... I was one of those crazy kids that started when they were like 10 years old... it's easy when you have a parent that's a smoker... so by the time I quit I had already been smoking for 15 years... I fell to the temptation two years ago and had two cigarettes while on vacation...

It had been quite the trying day in a semi sort of positive way... ah hell... some guy got me really fucking horny and I couldn't stand it anymore... it was either have the cigarette or stop being good... tell you the truth I should have just forgone the cigarettes...

After that day two years ago I haven't touched a cigarette since... I know how easy it is once your an ex smoker to fall right back into it after one or two...
The man is helpful about it... tells me how proud of me he is when he knows I'd just like to light one up... he is a smoker and to help me he smokes outside... and if we're all outside he smokes away from the rest of us... not to hide it but because he doesn't want to make the kids sick and also doesn't want to tempt me into smoking again...

Last night...
I was so distraught after a five and a half hour long conversation, about another conversation that was had on Friday and ... yeah it was an emotional roller coaster at the best of times last night as we discussed feelings and emotions and all that good stuff that happen with people who have been friends for as long as we have...

I was so emotional drained and trying to numb myself that I just got up from my desk went outside took a deep breath and lit a cigarette...

I'm not going to try to justify that it doesn't count because I only smoked half... or rationalize why I smoked it...

I fell.

Today has been harder... I've been sitting here fidgeting all day... fighting off the want to go take another of the mans cigarettes and smoke it... as I fight off the urge to dive into this bottle of Jack Daniels I have sitting in the other room...

Oh no,
She's at the bottom of that bottle
She's only one more swallow
From being, oh, so hollow

Usually the music helps... but when part of the issue is brought forth from the music itself... it's tough...

there's a burning feeling in the bottom of my stomach... a lump in my throat... feeling a bit fuzzy headed... I'd tell you how I feel but the only words that come to me when I even think about it are 'raw' and 'numb'

Now how can someone be raw and numb at the same time ? *shrugs and sighs*

So there you go... something 'real' in a blog post... maybe I'll actually tell you the back story to the feelings one day...

Anyway... I'm off to fill another addiction... (slurpee)