I didn't care anymore...

When I left Reno I was gutted...heart broken...trying so hard to see the good in it and just trying to keep in mind that Big Daddy had found someone who lived close to him that he had developed feelings for and that he wanted a 'normal' monogamous relationship with this woman he had found.

I knew he loved me and would still love me for awhile at least, I knew that I would always love him...he had become a huge part of my life even if he was so far away... I resented him a little bit for going back on his original word but I got over that and we had been managing, or at least I thought, even though I knew that one day he would find someone to replace me and he would no longer need me in his life... I tried to think that I was helping him...trying to keep him in good spirits and making sure that he knew that he was not a failure and that he was/is loved by others...that he is a good person and just like most of us is flailing through life but I hoped that I was a bright spot in his life that he could look to if he needed to talk or just needed the reassurance of the fact that he is worthy of being loved... I still hope that he knows that.

Bing...You are worthy of love.

to steal it from one of my favourite Tom Wait songs 'Now I'm home and I'm blind and I'm broke, what is next...'

I didn't know what to do... I didn't care.

I held my shit together as much as I could around my kids and around The Man. I had friends that I knew I could talk to but amazingly enough it was two of my other exes that heard the crying...saw the tears...heard the fears and just was there...and by there I mean on the internet...

It was so much easier for me to cry to them.

I didn't really want the Man to see just how destroyed I was...which was stupid of me...of course he saw...

He had to deal with me not wanting to be touched...not really wanting to be hugged...he got used to me shutting off certain songs on the radio, clearing others from my playlists, me just stopping and turning away from others for a few moments to compose my thoughts again and put my facade back up as it was threatening to crumble...the moments where I couldn't answer him because there was a huge lump in my throat...

All the while still talking to Big Daddy and trying really hard to make it seem like no big deal via text...but crying after nearly every conversation...

I tried really hard to not say much of what was on my mind here on my blog so that Big Daddy wouldn't read it and possibly feel guilty or get upset or start thinking that not talking to me would be best...it would have made it worse.

Panic/Anxiety attacks started...only reason I knew what they were was because my doc originally thought that's what my heart condition was...but anyway...

My fight or flight would kick into high gear, heart racing, unable to breathe properly...etc.

It was a tough year in my head.

I stopped working out... I stopped caring about how I looked... I knew that my motivator had been Big Daddy.... I wanted to show up in Reno and look so good for him that his jaw would drop and he'd go 'daaaayum'... yep shallow but that's what I wanted to happen when he would see me...So I used that when I had the doctor tell me that I was dying...it became my motivation for eating properly and working out and doing derby

So when I realized that I just didn't care anymore... I was slowly killing myself by not working out and not eating the diet the doctor put me on... it started in Reno when I went off my restrictions...and just got progressively worse the rest of this year...to the point where the other night I ate mashed potatoes, regular stuffing, a box of chocolates (7), some regular chocolate covered cookies, and washed it down with an eggnog type latte from Starbucks...

I felt so ill... but got so high...

I had been at the doctors in November and he asked me what was going on and why was I not eating properly anymore...I just shrugged and said I'd fallen off the wagon so to speak...he was under the impression that for that year before Reno my motivation was the fact that he had told me if I didn't do something I would die...I told him I had lost my motivation...yeah it sounded like I wanted to die...

And for the last year I haven't really cared if I did.

*shrugs* it's true...every time I put something in my mouth that I knew I wasn't supposed to eat I knew that it was going to turn to poison in my system and I would be getting ever closer to death again and I would mentally shrug and I just wouldn't care...

I would say that I needed to get back on track and stop being such an asshole with my health and yada yada yada...but inside I just didn't care anymore...

I'd say that since about September I've been trying to get myself back on the caring wagon...I had a bit of a fall again in October when I realized that it had been a year since I had seen Big Daddy... a year since I had hugged him..a year since I heard his voice... a year since I had heard him tell me that he will always love me...

I had given up on myself... Every happy moment I had was always shadowed...

I threw myself into my friends...helping them any way that I could... I needed life lines... household projects... talking through issues or problems with them...derby (although it was a deflating moment when I found out from Big Daddy that she was signing up to become a derby girl too)...

I found distractions... knitting was a big help... can't dwell when needing to count stitches... Roo hooked me up with some online learning courses that definitely distracted me..

My Roo-bee-Roo has been the bestest...not only did he come to visit me in June but he's let me cry on his shoulder virtually so many times...I've disclosed so many feelings to him that I've not told anyone... not the Man...not the Wifey...no one...
Roo would make me smile or would just let me lean on him...

So it was in November that I realized that I really was trying to kill myself...by not adhering to the diet...by not working out...by not caring... I was slowly committing suicide...

I got a surprise in the trip to NYC... not only was I amazed at how well I did walking all over the place without complaint...but I tried as best I could to adhere to my restrictions... I was in awe of the city...
As I passed ground zero I realized that I was being a selfish asshole... it jarred me...

Most know (if they know me) I use sex to process things about myself...

It was in NYC that I realized that something was wrong with me...like...really really wrong...

On the way home I decided that I was not going to over analyze or try to process anything about that trip except the fact that it had been so cool to just be there... I distracted myself with talking to the Wifey's hubby for 4 hours and then slept until I saw The Man again...


The Dark Times this year for me was all inner thoughts, wrestling and cuddling some of my demons and coming to an understanding.

I do not want to die.
I do care again.
I want everyone to look at me when they see me and say 'daaaayum'.
I need to keep my friends...because frankly they all fucking rock.
I love the Man, and Bing. I always will. I'm ok with that.
I have a crush. A huge crush.
I will eat better...for me.
I will not be embarrassed by how sexual of a being I truly am.
I will not be afraid to meet new people.

I woke up smiling. For one of the first times I wasn't thinking about someone else... I was smiling about myself. I was happy in that moment that I had woken up. Meditated for 30 minutes and was still smiling... and though there have been moments while typing this that I have shed a tear or two, I've been smiling.

I'm going to be alright.
Thank you Bing for the conversation the other day...it was surprising and comforting.
Thank you Roo... you are so awesome...wish you knew it truly. Come back soon.
Thank you DrunkenMonkey...it's been awhile since we've really talked for more then just a quick catch up, but you helped me out so much, especially while I was still in Reno.
Thank you Squasha...don't really need to list for what. It was so helpful you'll never understand how much.
Thank you Rubes... ;)

My biggest thanks has to go out to The Man because omg he's my rock...he is my foundation and keeps me grounded so  that I may take flight...he's been through so much in last 16 years with me and yet stays here and still tells people that I would have to kill him in order for him to leave...he's understanding of my needs and wants... doesn't make me feel less then what I am... and stands up as my defender...
thank you for knowing how fragile I really am but never treating me like I might break... even when you can see that I'm standing there breaking... thank you so much for loving me and understanding as I stand in a grocery store and have a small cry about a maragine product... thank you for hugging my fiercely at home and giving me distance in public...


I do not want to die.
I'm going to be the most perfect me I can be...so I'm going to be alright.