I'm not dead. yet.

I figured it was high time that I sat down and write something...

it's not that I haven't had anything to say in the last few months... it's just there was no way that I could sit down to start writing up a blog post without likely starting to cry or getting so angry that something I regretted came out...

to say that I had gotten depressed would be an understatement...a vast, huge, humongous understatement... I had stopped talking to Krammit...I barely spoke to the Man...didn't want anything to even remind me of Big Daddy... every time I went to open my mouth my eyes would begin to fill with tears... and it would take me a few moments to compose myself so that I could talk to anyone... I stopped listening to music...still have some trouble listening to a few particular singers...food was tasteless and therefore I didn't really want to eat very much nor very often...I stopped working out...I stopped going out... Burton was able to get me out of the house a couple of times to go and see PirateGirl over in Buffalo and it was so nice to be with the two of them because even though they knew that I was down they didn't try to 'fix' me or even ask me about what was bothering me... was the best thing I could have asked them to do for me...

Nothing really pulled me out of it... I just rode it out... I'm still riding it out...I knew the Dark Times were going to be hard for me this year...I don't know how I knew I just knew some how that they were going to be very difficult... and they really have been... I predict that I'll be back to myself again in February-ish...

I'm also having to deal with some health issues that I don't exactly know if I want to talk about...I know I generally always have but this just seems more severe...but how could it be possibly more severe then having a heart condition of sorts?? I don't know...

I admitted to Krammit the other day that I've foreseen me not seeing the end of the year in the same way as I am... sounds cryptic I know... but I've been having some really messed up dreams...way too realistic...

I'm confused...which I should just move there... I'm sure there's a Confusion located somewhere in the world... it seems to be my natural state so just seems like the place I should live...

Big Daddy...*sigh*...never mind I'm not even going to get into that whole conversation... let's just leave it with confusion at the moment... maybe I'll talk about it in another post... or maybe I'll just forget it...

I can't help but feel that no one really understands me...maybe it's just the pain I'm in trying to make me feel small...

the Manchild might be moving in...he has the next week and a half to decide if he's going to or not... he and his dad (and that crazy household) haven't been getting along very well...

(Yes I know this post is all over the place...but that's how my minds been the last little while) lol who am I kidding that's how my mind always is...

been thinking that the only thing that I'm good for with some of the male friends I have is sex...they don't seem to get in touch with me unless they're looking for some... some of them I haven't even done anything with which makes it even weirder... it's like I'm that 'friend' that you can send a message to that says 'I'm horny' and I'll respond with... 'that sucks what do you want me to do about it??' *shrugs*
seriously think I should have just became a prostitute...hell at least they get paid... I was making a comment to Parker (another friend of mine...female) that it seems boys pop up on the spring and winter to tell me how horny they are and how they'd like to get laid... (likely hoping that I'll offer or some shit)... they never really send me messages to say 'hi how ya doing?'... guess 'friend' is a word I use a little too loosely for them...

that can't really be all I'm good for... is it? *le sigh*

I'm having a crisis of faith... for a long time now I've been questioning what it is I believe... I may not fully believe in a Divine figurehead and I'm not sure what may change my mind one way or the other...I'm sort of on the fence... I believe in energy, that much I do know. We'll see what February brings.

there's so much more that I want to say... but I've been censoring myself from here about some specific things... I think there would have to be some changes before  I divulge that stuff... just wish I could see the light...

and not the train...