Go Fuck Yourself.
I fucking hate you.
You're unkind, cruel, unfair and today a fucking asshole.
Sometimes I swear Life loves fucking me over and not in that good naughty sexy times kind of way.
Sometimes I require help in getting to sleep at a decent hour because if I don't use the help I'm up all night long thinking...over analyzing everything or my imagination is running away with me...
I've been using something to go to sleep ever since I got home...well and a few times I was away... but more so since I got home...
Haven't used alcohol because well frankly I don't have any here...
Last night I knew that I needed to get to bed and I had been upset and sad because I love being blatantly ignored when there's been a 'discussion'...
popped a sleeping pill... it didn't seem to take effect... had a cup of sleepytime tea...that didn't do anything either... (that combo in the past has knocked me the fuck out)... went out for a smoke and a bowl...and that seemed to do it... I figure 'yes I'll get a lot of sleep before I have to paint on a happy face to go see my family for our belated Thanksgiving'
woke up at 6 o'clock with Life giving me another big old FUCK YOU finger...wasn't able to get back to sleep... been laying in bed tossing and turning for over 3 hours trying to get some sort of sleep back again...
this is what I get for trying to come clean to Bing...
Last message from him was at twenty to eight and yeah it was him saying "Nice to know I was the last to know..."
*facepalm*
*sighs* yeah he didn't answer anything I had to say or ask after that last night... which of course upset me...it's not like I could just follow him down the hall this time and get him to listen to me or get him to answer me...
I had a bit of a pregnancy scare while I was in Reno....although it didn't scare me as much as I thought it should... it all came down to how I was feeling and experiencing that was the main reason I went to get the test in the first place....even though it was way to early to tell because it was over a week before I was supposed to get my period...
So as I sat there looking at the stupid stick I had to pee on...everything starts swirling about in my head and I start thinking about the what if's of it all...especially the 'what if it's positive...'
It wasn't such a bad thing to me...The Man and I had discussed it prior because of me asking about using the credit card in order to get the test in the first place....he's a pretty smart guy and figured out what I wanted to use it for so then we talked about it and a couple of the what if's...
It's really all Squasha's fault in the first place for even getting the idea in my head...I'm just going to throw that out there...ya jerk...
Anyway... I had sort of decided that if it was positive that I wouldn't tell Bing about it because I didn't want to add that to all the other shit going on in his life. New girlfriend and he already feels like a horrible parent with his son, money issues and job shit. Not just that I didn't want him thinking that I had gotten pregnant to try to keep him in my life or to trap him in some way. Just not my style.
If anything I had the stupid romantic girly notion that I've really only admitted to two others that... it would be like having a small part of him in my life that I could love forever. (yeah I know sounds fucked up)
Peed on the stick and it came back negative...I was really really sad.
Anyway... Bing found the pregnancy test in the garbage and asked if I was going to tell him about it at all, just before we left for the airport. I said no. Don't think he liked that too much.
So last night I was trying to tell him how it sort of fucked me up and made me sad when I suppose I should have been really happy that I wasn't.
When I spoke to The Man about it when I got home I told him that I wasn't sad because I wanted a baby because that can be easily fixed by the two of us having another now that we know I can has babies again...it was the fact that I wanted Bing's and that's what sort of freaked me out even more.
*shrugs* I love Bing and always will and stand by the opinion of we're awesome together. Just wish he would have seen that...but anyway...
So Life decided this morning I need a big fuck you wake up call so instead of laying in bed for 3 hrs last night lamenting over the decision to try to talk to Bing about it...I needed apparently to lay there and contemplate all this shit this morning instead...
Meanwhile Bing didn't really get upset he just put his phone down because the gf came over and didn't see any of my messages and I was sad for no reason.... likely how it actually happened.
*sighs* oh well
Life can still go fuck itself today.
Happy belated Thanksgiving.
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