sometimes I just look at you and wonder how it ended up this way...
there are times I look at you and hate you in a loving way...
and then theres times I gaze at you and wonder where we'd be...
if only I'd love you the way you need to be...
I sit and wonder where I'd be without you in my life...
I love you oh so much from the time I first saw your face...

"they" say there is a fine line between love and hate...and I think that I have come very close to balancing right in the middle of it...in several situations of my life with many different people... love is love no matter how you look at it...no matter if it's between parent and child, lovers, family and friends...it's all love...but for everyone that you love there is that fine line between you and them that is the love/hate line...and with so very many people in my life I do feel like I'm walking a love/hate tightrope...

and that line from a song that goes "love isn't love til you give it away" well now thats just plain stupid... how do you love yourself if you have to give away your love?

I'm still fasanated at this whole not using my voice during the day thing..I'm liking it... I'm relishing the thought of not having to talk during the day... I know I'm strange... it's just it makes me think more when I'm not busy sitting there yakking about nothing...

I sit and watch some of the traffic go by while I'm sitting at the window trying to get a breeze...I sit and think..and think about what to think about and I think about life and love...oh boy I think a lot about love...I think about those I do love

Do you realize how much you piss me off? how much you frustrate me? you're gonna ask me about this part later when you get home and read this and realize its about you... having a conversation today with a friend on the phone... I realized just how much I hate you sometimes... this weekend...yeah about this weekend...you rolled over like a pussy and took it up the ass when it came to us... this was one of the first big tests in this trial period and you fucked it up big time...MAJOR....huge... I thought you wanted one thing but by you agreeing with him about saturday you made me think that you don't want me to get to know them at all... you like having your own little world that doesn't involve me... you like having us at odds... you'll show them my tits but you won't introduce us formally... thats fucking sick and retarded... all I have to say is at least while I was gone... someone was proud of me... proud to show me off and introduce me to everyone... not ashamed of me... and thats exactly what it seems like you are... tension? of course there would be some tension... uncomfortable? of course I'm going to be uncomfortable... I DON'T KNOW THEM!!! ... I'm uncomfortable with everyone I meet for the first time.. aren't you?? you make me feel like I'm supposed to be a hermit... I wat to be a hermit because thats what I've decided... I don't want to be one because thats what you've decided.. you make me so angry... do you even know who I am? after yesterday I'm not sure I know who you are anymore... so you go ahead and go run off with your little friends... the ones you spend more time with than me... you go.. have fun... sitting around at someone elses home... with someone elses family.. and while you're there I'll be sitting here... wondering what fucking time you'll be walking in the door THIS time... I hope you choke on a piece of fucking cake...

Remember that fine line I was taking about a little ways up... yeah well at this moment in time..I fucking hate you...

(this is what happens when I start thinking about how people make me feel)

People will forget what you said...
People will forget what you did...
But people will never forget how you made them feel...

thats one of my favourite sayings...let it be a warning to you as well...

A friend of mine and I were joking around about ways to release frustrations...she said that lately hers has been blasting people...mostly men...innocent, unsuspecting men.. just blow up on them... I replied with "no man is innocent"...

*sigh* whew...ok I think I'm feeling better now...
I'm going out for dinner tonight with the family...good thing I vented that now...cause I'll probably have to come back tonight and vent about my family...gawd sometimes it's so difficult dealing with them...*crossing fingers* maybe tonight will be different...Later