I woke up today with a start...because I had the strangest dream...

I was walking down the street talking to a friend, it was winter time, I slipped on a patch of ice, fell on my face and three of my front teeth fell out...ok that was strange...so I was walking along now headed for the dentist with these teeth in my hand...got there told them what happened...they told me I would have to wait a couple of hours til there was a break in his schedule...so I was sitting there talking with my friend and all of a sudden I felt another tooth fall out into my mouth...I spit it out into my hand...my friend was saying how odd that was...one by one all my teeth came loose and fell out...I rabbed a mirror...and looked aat myself and started to cry...thats when I woke up...

So of course me...I had to look up what that could possibly mean... pretty much dreams of any body parts falling off, coming off or what not...means that you feel that your life is in pieces... fucking wonderful eh? just what I needed....

*sigh*

pissed off someone very dear to me tonight... feel like I'm doing that constantly... I can't help it tho...I mean I could...I could just stop talking to them... it's just I need some questions answered... sheesh.. I can't help that I'm an emotional person... I think if I wasn't I would explode sometimes...
Anyway, gonna try my best to not be a bother anymore... I keep telling myself every night before I go to bed that I will stop bothering this person... and then boom I wake up, I end up on the computer...talk to them and next thing I know I'm bugging... I've considered a couple times just taking them off my list all together... but I think that would hurt worse... then I find myself apologizing all the time... gawd I hate myself so much at times...

I have all this hatred bottled up... I don't know where it's coming from... I don't know who its towards... but everyone seems to be catching the ass end of it...

seems like for one week (and I think y'all know what week I'm talking about) I am an emotional wreck...crying and wanting to be wanted and loved and cared for...and then the rest of the month I'm this person that is full of hatred and rage and I just want someone to get up in my face so that I can scream at them and possibly hurt them badly...

I don't understand why I've turned into this person...I really don't...

I seriously wanted to bash Shadow's brains in tonight when he came home from work...all because he didn't call to tell me there had been a change in plans... I wanted to scream at Night for all the unanwsered questions...

Sometimes I think it would be best to just pack up a bunch of clothes in a knapsack and walk away from everything... like everyone would be better off without me... not in the way of killing myself...thats not cool...but you know...just walking away from it all...
walking away from the family that annoys me...the family I feel I've failed...the family I've found on line... just walking away from it all... starting over... I'm a big girl I'm sure I could do something right...sometime... I keep getting accused of trying to run away from my problems...and I guess thats what you could call it if I did walk away... but when you just stop caring about everything...isn't that when you'ore supposed to walk away...isn't that when you're just supposed to say hey I tried and obviously failed...why go thru the hassle of doing everything over and over and over again... it just seems so redundent to keep putting yourself thru the same shite day after day after day...

seems like every "talk" every "argument" are all the same over and over and over again... sometimes I can't help it...sometimes I don't start them... sometimes I do...

I'm so bitter...and...angry...or irritated...all the time...

Shadow tried to tell me that I have really bad depression...lol if that isn't the pot and the kettle LMAO... you know what...maybe I do....maybe I don't... but if you were going thru all the same crap for the last couple years you would be too...

Yeah I get down at times...doesn't everybody? actually don't answer that...I thought everybody had aches and pains and what not like me all the time...and I got a big resounding no from a clinic... *sigh* oh well...

actually talked to Shadow about me joining the reserves... said I would be interested in joining the actual military if there was an out LOL... can we say "chickenshit"? LOL

hell they'd get me in shape tho wouldn't they...lol

Passing thought...might not happen...ok most likely won't happen... altho it would be neat...my grandpa was in the air force...

Was told tonight that I was a strong woman...I laughed...and answered yeah right...thats what it seems doesn't it...
I've been told that before...while sitting in a sub shop waiting for a sub... ;) was told I was a strong woman and could get thru anything... I doubted it then too... but I'm glad that some see me that way...

Gawd it's so foggy tonight...even tho it's midnight I think I may go take a walk down to the canal...

the soles of my feet are itchy again... probably because the party is coming up and I want to be there...
wish someone from around here was going...so I could catch a ride...but then again...no money to help with gas...

wow I really rambled tonight didn't I? ...wow I'll save you your eye sight and stop now...
namaste