the cigarette butts are collecting in the ashtray... I should empty it out soon...

I need some air... I'm feeling stifled... smothered... drained... all in all I feel like KaKa... easiest way to put it I guess...

I'm liking not using my voice during the day... gives me a chance to hear myself...
I"ve been bugged about not using my mic in the chatroom... I dunno it just doesn't feel necessary anymore... I played music for them today... so they said well now that we know you have your mic...are you going to talk to us... nah I typed... I listened to my music and I typed... if I used the mic it was only because I had something important that I wanted them to hear... found when I don't use my mic a lot they listen more when I do use it... it's like having a captive audience...

In real life... hmm no scratch that... in my outside life... I don't have that... never have... people constantly interrupt me... even if I complain about it or ask them not too... they still interrupt... thats a very bad habit... it's worn off on me...it's almost like their behaviour has made me think that the only way to get heard is to interrupt... what makes them think that what they have to say is more important then what I have to say... they don't... they don't shut up long enough to see if I do have something important to say... because to them anything they say is more important then anything anyone else has to say...

I guess thats why I hide away in the chat room... we're polite to each other in our own way... we take turns talking on the mic... if we "bump" into each other on the mic we always apologize... if someone interrupts and starts stepping on someone... we curse them out for being rude... obviously it's not a paradise...we have problems just like the outside...so and so doesn't like this person... or this person said this about that person... but we resolve it or those folks just don't talk to each other... we've made our own family in that room... our own family of misfits, perverts, freaks and weirdos... I wouldn't give them up...I love them all... because we help each other out and look out for one another... and it doesn't matter to us that we are in different parts of the world...

People don't understand why I can chat so much and get caught up in it... it's because I've finally found a place I can call home... that sickens some...and even the people I chat with would shake their heads and go "huh?" but thats the jist of it... I barely feel right in my own skin... for the most part I feel lost and unwelcome... certain people try they really do to make me feel at home and loved and cared for... you know what tho.. I feel like I can manage that part myself...

it's the almighty dollar I loathe hate and can never manage... I know how... in theory... but I always fail the practical... especially the getting and maintaining part... I'd be great if I was independently wealthy... but then again wouldn't we all ...LOL

Have you ever kissed someone and felt as if you kept kissing them you would melt into that person?
I have...

Have you ever shared an intimate moment with someone and wished you could freeze all time?
I have...

I woke up at one point this morning...had a beautiful thought....not even a thought it was a memory... a recent one... made me tear up a bit...and smile at the same time... I held onto that thought as I rolled over and went back to sleep... (Gawd the love in his eyes...)

I really like not talking... I prefer to putter quietly...

Shhh.... try it... you'll hear yourself better... I promise...