Thus Far, From Afar...

It's always weird when sitting down at someone else's computer to check your stuff, write emails or in this case to blog.

Everything is different...the keyboard, height of the screen it just doesn't feel right some how...lol

However I will make due in this case as I've already started the blog post and hate stopping in mid thought.


I kept up the guise of 'going on vacation' until the moment I got off the plane in Reno, even the friendly people that were talking to me on the way here think I'm living up for two weeks, relaxing and having a great time.

Even the Man wasn't exactly sure what was going to happen while I'm gone...hell I wasn't even exactly sure but I had a real good idea of what might go down when I got here.

I had mentioned before that I had contemplated for a moment just seeing if I could get a refund on my tickets, and after the first day and a half it was suggested by the Man to see if maybe I could get my return ticket to come home sooner.

Tried very hard to steel away my emotions and for the most part was doing rather ok...then I got here.
Saw his face, went sort of mushy inside and then felt very awkward. The first morning here I was on skype with the Man bawling my eyes out and asking him what the fuck I was doing here.

We talked awhile and he told me again...one day at a time...deep breath and keep on keeping on...

He's hurt my feelings a few times but all in all...we've had a roller coaster thus far...aha you thought I was going to say but all in all it hasn't been so bad...it really hasn't in the grande scheme of things...we're both alive and still breathing so that's worth something. I'm glad he didn't wait until I got here like he had been thinking originally. It gave me a few days to process and plan and think, oh and to become calmer and less violent feeling...

Was made to feel like an asshole the other night and sort of went off a little bit. For the most part I didn't get overly angry which I'm sure some might say I was downright pissed. However, it was because I was hurting and unfortunately I'm like that wounded animal that lashes out and eventually will hurt the ones trying to help me. Ended up in the kitchen and downing three shots before he came down to see what the fuck I was doing...had a fourth while talking some more. Really I had originally gone down stairs so I could have a smoke. That didn't end up happening as I got dragged back upstairs in a now woozy state and told to get into bed.

My birthday was the next day...didn't really have any official plans. So I decided to get kind of dressed up into the dress that I bought in the spring that hadn't fit until now. I liked it. Still felt a bit fat in it but I'm sure it'll fit fine soon enough.

We went out to a couple of stores, had some fun and some laughs, he took me to a lovely dinner at the Claim Jumper again (really like that place...not sure why...perhaps because every time I've been here we've gone there...) after the eats we went to a Hallowe'en store and then we were headed to the movies to see Expendables 2...we had a couple of hours to spare so just chilled in the car talking and listening to my 'Hipster/Hippie/Indie' music...apparently, from what I've been told, I seem to be turning hipster...*shrugs*
The movie was excellently awesome...loved it...loved all the lines and mentions of the movies/shows all these old actions stars used to star in...funny thing was....besides Big Daddy and I there was 7 other people in the theatre...and I noticed about half way through the movie that we were the only two laughing at the funny shit like I mentioned above...*shakes head* I tell ya some peoples kids have no sense of humour.

When the movie got out I took note in the car that it was 9:30 so assumed once we got back to the house (which I really do need to stop referring to it as home) that it would be straight to bed to sleep, since Big Daddy has to maintain an early bedtime schedule. I'll just say I assumed wrong and keep all the wonderful details to myself, except to say that I'm really kind of hoping to have a bit more of that particular style of fun before I leave.

Yesterday...made us a couple of omelettes for breakfast/brunch... I only ate about half of it...just felt full...but then...about a half an hour later it decided to present itself once again...*shrugs*

My system has been so buggered since I've been here. I've barely been eating and have been hungry even less. Big Daddy nearly fainted when I told him on Saturday that I was hungry.

Last night I didn't eat anything for dinner. I made up some chicken and broccoli, carrots and a tater for him but as I was cooking it all I wanted to do was puke. So I finished off a protein bar that I had and that was my dinner. Oh and I stole a bite of chicken off his plate...lol

I didn't tell him I didn't eat I didn't want him to worry...he really needs to stop worrying about me. He constantly asks if I'm ok, or if something is wrong. Always on me about quitting smoking (I'm anticipating that I'll have to walk to the store in the next day or so when I run out of smokes, so I can buy more.) Seems to always be trying to feed me...It really is super sweet of him and of course I tell him to stop and I know he needs to but it really is sweet.

I really do love him so much, makes me sad that I'm here to say goodbye.

I really do appreciate this chance. It's like all those times when you find out someone died or moved away or some such and you think 'man I wish we could've... just one more time' or 'I never got to say goodbye' ... I'm getting my chance to now. It likely seems weird that I flew 2500miles just to say goodbye...but I just had to see him...had to say the things I needed and still need to say to him in person.

What was weird is I started changing my view on this before I even left home... in my skype he's no longer Big Daddy,  in my phone he's no longer Papi, in all my contacts he's just his name...and as odd as it seems I knew I had to start changing it before hand...
The only place I haven't 'renamed' him to something less...intimate has been here on my blog but that's about to change as well...after this post if/when I refer to him,  I'll just refer to him as Bing.