Well it's official... the man and I have given up... after just over 2 years of trying to have a baby we've throw in the towel so to speak... it's probably for the best... but still bugs me...
For two years it's killed me when I've found out others around me are pregnant or just had babies... and then I torture myself by actually listening to them tell me all about it instead of quietly excusing myself from the conversations when deep down inside all I wanted to do was scream at them to shut up... I think I've done rather well...
The pain hurts so bad... my heart is broken right now... I'm not feeling well and I just want to crawl into bed and sleep until I can't anymore... But unfortunately I have a class tonight... distractions... right, mi amor?
*sighs* So I pull up my big girl panties and suck it up, buck up and keep my chin up... miss any cliches there? ... Yeah I've been doing that for two years... I'm sick of hiding behind the mask of calm, cool, serene, unwaivering... I would like to just wallow for just a few stinking moments without someone telling me it's going to be alright... or that it'll be ok... I just want someone to hold me so I can cry it out of my system... without them trying to make me feel better... to just be there with a shoulder... or two...
An hour and a half wait down at the medical centre to have less then a five minute appointment to pretty much say there's nothing else without referring us to the centre in Hamilton... yeah.. no... so walked home and tried to not think about it too much...
So now... I haven't slept at all... I'm looking at the clock and thinking 'shit class in 5 hours... So I need to drag my 'happy' ass to get some sleep... I think I"m coming down with something again... who knows... maybe more trips to the hospital are in my future...
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