Escapism...

es·cap·ism (-skpzm)
n.

The tendency to escape from daily reality or routine by indulging in daydreaming, fantasy, or entertainment.

Everyone does it... Escape that is... everyone needs that break from reality... whether its thru online gaming, board games, puzzles, tv, music, drugs, alcohol... anything to escape for even just the briefest moment...

to get away from the boss, the wife, the husband, the kids... or worse... problems... money problems, marital problems, abusive problems, health problems...

you go to that place that you know is yours and yours alone... and you try to be by yourself or just try to tune out life...

I have news for you... no matter how much you try to escape... your life always comes back... yep thats a certainty... your life will not go away no matter how much you try to push it to the side... it will come back full force and smack you right in the head...
what do you use for your escape?

I've tried all kinds of ways to escape... books, tv, online chat, games...

I'm finding that you shouldn't spend your time trying to escape from your life... you should meet your life head on as it comes flying your way and deal with everything you can deal with and ask for help with anything you can't deal with by yourself...

I've tried to keep my mind busy so that I won't think about some of the important things... I've put off doing stuff that I have to do... who at the age of 27 really seriously wants to make up a last will and testament?

tonight I cried... I turned off the tv in my room and rolled over to go to sleep and all of a sudden found myself crying... I was crying because... I have a tendancy to play out scenarios about stuff in my head... ya know like a big meeting is coming up with the boss and in my head I try to run every possible scenario in my head... I did that... strike that... I started to do that while trying to go to sleep... and thats when I found myself crying... I was playing out the scenarios in my head of next month... laying/sitting in a hospital room in Toronto all day long... waiting for them to come get me and take me for the procedure... I pictured the people that I hope will be at the hospital during the wait and the procedure... I started picturing every scenario of what could happen during the procedure... and who'd they tell first if anything went wrong...
I'm hoping that my three favourite men in the whole world will be there... which is funny they are all in different parts of the world right now... lol
I pictured talking to my mom on the phone just before they took me down for the surgery...
I even went thru the freak out scenario where I get so scared that I have to be sedated before they take me...

now some may say doing that is weird or unnecessary... however... I've done it all my life and I'm not likely to stop now... and if one more person tells me to not worry that its nothing I think I may scream... lol unless its happened to you and you've gone thru it... it's still not nothing to me...

I've been contemplating sending out a mass email to my friends whom I haven't told yet... who don't read my blog... lol heaven forbid there are actually people out there who don't read this...lol

Anyway back to what I was saying about escaping and escapism...

Should it really be called an escape, when in actuality it's just a break? you never really escape your life and whats going on in it, you just kind of get a small reprieve...

Stop running from it and trying to escape it.... Turn around let it crash into you and embrace it...

as for me... I'll keep running the scenarios and continue flip flopping from excited to anxious to scared until May 17th...

Until then I'm being fairly selfish, self absorbed and centred on my family... so if it seems like I lack interest in your problems and the flaws in your life plan.... thats because right now... I Am.

I'm not out to change the entire world, just my own.