Understand

I made you think you don't understand.

I used to think that happiness could only be something
That happened to somebody else
Everybody believed, everybody but me, yeah yeah
And I've been hurt so many times before,
That my hope was dying, so sick of trying
Everybody could see, everybody but me, yeah yeah
But then you came into my life, you opened up my softer side
And now I can see into your eyes
And suddenly, I realize.

I made you think you don't understand
All the times you didn't understand,
Why you couldn't just be my man.
I made you think you don't understand
There were many walls you had to climb,
If you really wanted to be mine.
I made you think you don't understand
After all the hoops I put you through,
Now I see that I'm in love with you

Now, I hope you finally understand.

So many tears I've had to cry,
But you had many more of your own you had to try
But you stuck it out and you're here with me now, yeah yeah
And rememberin' the days I pushed away your love,
You called my bluff and you still stayed around,
Yeah you figured me out
Said, you got me down
And there's no way to lie to you, you know me better than I do

Baby, ooh, you see me through,
I'd be no good without you.

I made you think you don't understand
All the times you didn't understand,
Why you just couldn't be my man
I made you think you don't understand
There were many walls you had to climb (yeah)
If you really wanted to be mine (ooh)
I made you think you don't understand
After all the hoops I put you through (through)
Now I see that I'm in love with you

Now, I hope you finally understand

Ohh.

Baby, won't you listen now
Can't you see just what I'm talking about?
Said baby won't you listen now
Can't you see just what I'm talking about?

Time went on, and I was wrong
To keep my distance for so long.
So afraid, you wouldn't stay
But you never turned away

Always right by my side
You're forever in my life
Don't you go
'Cause now I know
That in you I found a home.

Now I can see into your eyes
Suddenly, I realize.

I made you think you don't understand
All the times you didn't understand
Why you just couldn't be my man
I made you think you don't understand
There were many walls you had to climb,
If you really wanted to be mine
I made you think you don't understand
After all the hoops I put you through
Now I see I'm in love with you.

Now, I hope you finally understand.

I made you think you don't understand.

Oh yay... it was my birthday



*Note the sarcasm...

You Usually Only Do That When You're Mad About Something

Sometimes Mom helps and she doesn't realize it...

I've been out of sorts lately, haven't wanted to talk to anyone about anything, let alone anything that might make me mad, upset, down,....well anything that will make me feel.

Walking around with southly blues I left today to go down to the office, sure had a bit of a cry before I left, had something in my eye, watched a sad movie, listened to a sad song... whichever you want to go with all would apply... to an extent.

Either way you slice it I was down... I go downstairs to meet mom at said time for my ride... I get into the car and she has Stompin' Tom Connors playing loudly... I can't help but to smirk even now.
(any Canadians reading this should know who I'm talking about and will most likely smirk as well)

He was just what I needed. In this extremely Americanized place in my extremely Americanized mind... Stompin' Tom came in and made me smile.

How do you know when you're truly happy? how do you know if you've ever been happy? how do you know that you will be happy?

Happy. It seems such a foreign concept.

The Americans aren't making me happy, none of them. It's not their job too, yet for some reason I seem to think that it is.

The last couple of days I've compared people to cigarettes... Sometimes you find a brand that you like the taste of but after a couple of packs you realize that it's annoying you now. Sometimes you find a brand that tastes great that doesn't annoy you but is slowly killing you just like the rest.
You hate to quit on that last brand because they have a great product and you enjoy it but like the rest of them you have to quit... not the 10 years drags on and everyone hears how you're trying so hard to quit ... the I am quitting right now and tossing the pack and doing it cold turkey.

Have you ever tried to go cold turkey on a human being?

Especially one who gives a damn about you?
*sighs* yeah me either...

It's just so... harsh.

You cannot possibly love me as much as you say you do and continue to do to me what you do.
Disregard me again and the wall around my heart towards you will be complete.
I cannot and should not live like this.
You claim to love me yet disregard me and what I have to say.
At least I know where the Prig and I stand and there are no false promises or false hopes.

Silly Boys...

Here I am at 5 in the morning... what am I doing?

Well I just finished watching a movie... here in my chair in the dark by myself.

One day I'll realize that some people just aren't as intense as I am, or as crazy, or as willing.

So some sort of update...

I begged pleaded and finally told Raistlan months ago to get referred to a sleep clinic by a doctor because as he's gotten older and gained more weight his sleeping has been bothering me more and more. It's not that the snoring bothers me, I've slept with a couple others whose snoring is a lot worse then his. It was the snoring mixed with the gasping for air and the not breathing every so often that had me scared.
After talking to my good friend Paulie I was 100% certain that Raistlan needed to go and get checked. A lot of his ailments sounded like they were caused by not enough restful sleep.
He went.. about 3 or 4 months ago he went and did the sleep study. A couple of weeks ago he finally had the follow up for it, he found out that he stops breathing at least 30 times an hour and all the times he stops breathing he's running on 80% less oxygen.
Pretty much at the rate he's going he'll have a heart attack, or a stroke or just up and die in his sleep.
Well if that's not enough to freak some one out - he got the results of his cholesterol test as well saying that it was too high as well. Like heart attack range high...

And yet people still have the "wow he was only in his thirties" mentality when people Raistlans age dies of a heart attack.

*sigh* I'm scared. Even after my procedure I'm not in the best of health and now to find out that he's in worse shape then I thought. I find myself staying up almost until it's time for him to get up in the morning just so I can go check on him throughout the night. We've been together for ten years, what would I do without him?

What makes it worse is I have a friend who I believe is in the same boat, and unfortunately I can't convince him to do anything about it. I worry about his health so much as well. I pretty much feel useless about it. He's my best friend and has been for the last 5 years...

If anything happened to either one or both of them I don't know what I would do. It hurts my heart and makes me so sad when I think about it.
Why don't boys understand, they just don't get how much we worry about them.

Anyway... I need to go check on Raistlan again, it's almost become an obsession to make sure he's alright.