Sounds of Silence

So I'm literally laying here in bed... the lights are off, I've just finished watching a couple of episodes of Top Gear... I have fallen in love again...

the show is funny and about cars... what more could a girl want... don't bring me the shopping channel I want a show about cars and the possibility of going fast mixed in with british humour... I'm good to go....

I'm still not well and yet I'm feeling alright... little frustrated that I can't get to sleep but enh what else is new...

I lay and wonder about things at night... tonight it's the case of wondering about how my presentation is going to go tomorrow at my meeting... is it going to be a bust... are they going to hate it and wonder what I've been doing for all this time... or will I dazzle them with my creativity of being able to make words flip about and look cool with my computer knowledge that is shit compared to my friends and yet seem like sheer genius next to these people...

I'm too distracted... I'm distracted by Reno in less then a month... I'm distracted by thoughts of waning interests... thoughts of Friday's ritual... of how I'm going to deal with the Redhead on Saturday when I see her for the first time in months and months... I'm distracted by Michigan... and I'm distracted by this sudden obsession I have with the Man...

It's been odd lately... it seems like I'm having to vy for his attentions and I dislike it... he's been distracted with his own thing... his own thing being some girls on imvu... I've been getting angry at the amount of time he spends there... and yet if he wasn't there he'd be reading a book or watching a movie or playing a video game... is it the chatting or is it the who he is chatting with... most of the people he chats with now are people I know and have chatted with before... I can't seem to find anything to talk to them about for hours and yet... he does... they just don't interest me that much... I realized it was an issue when the boychild and I were sitting and watching a movie the other night and I was becoming increasingly angry because the Man instead of wanting to watch with us turned on his laptop and opted to spend that time on imvu instead...

We ended up having a talk about it because I also realized I was being a bit overwhelmed by the stuff I had committed to and felt as though I was doing everything...

Mind you, he had spent the last week catering to me due to illness and cleaning the house ontop of all of that... but with the non-prof stuff, the Lions stuff and the students I just felt as though I was drowning and needed some help...

I had this project that was due... a ritual to write...a temple to clean and rearrange...plus people on my case to "get off my ass and get out of the house once in awhile"... also I know that my gardens need to be weeded and turned over so I can get the soil I need to plant my gardens...

So I did what any girl would do in my situation... I broke down and started to cry... not as a way to get him to help me... it was more of a release so that I could deal with being overwhelmed and actually ask for help... yes unfortunately it gets to that breaking point before I'll actually ask for help... for anything.

And there's other aspects of my life that I have no control over that I need to just let go and shrug and say... oh well...

I was worried about Big Daddy a little because of what he had told me a couple of weeks ago... found out tonight that everything is pretty much fine there didn't realize I was so worried about him until I let out a huge sigh of relief...and did a small happy dance of joy.

VA I told I needed a friend because of stuff going on in my life... and instead of being there the same amount and being a friend and a support has limited time to nearly nil and have rarely spoken to him... guess I learned my lesson in that one...

Roo... I really don't know what's going to happen or what is happening with my Roo-bee-roo, except that I still see him for a few minutes each day in Puggy... other then that since he's left there's only been a small few times of having a conversation with him. Unfortunately, for matters outside of my control I don't think we're sustainable. I hate to say that but I do know that hopefully we'll still be able to talk and play around and have fun on Puggy. Since Winter's Edge is nearly dead for us now. I hope I'm wrong but only time will tell. And I think if it were up to those outside of the two of us, we wouldn't even be friends.

Michigan has been fun. However, we started off with the notion of 'nothing'll happen' because of his own way of thinking, and so it's been really nice being able to talk with him and just get the small peek into his life. Afterall I'm an avid people watcher and sometimes the only way to observe is online... and even then it still interests me. So we shall see what happens there.

The students have their first Beltane ritual all together coming up on friday and I hope that all goes well. The Man has taken over the writing of the ritual which he hasn't done in a long time and I can't wait to see how it goes...

Other then that I'm still recovering from being sick for the past week... whatever it was or is it's still hanging onto my sinuses which is quite the annoyance if I do say so...

I had a Passion Party the other day.. omg was that ever funny... two straight single women, two married gay women, a bi-sexual and a straight man... it was definitely funny and interesting and damn near died laughing a few times... spent double what I had budgeted *oof - wince* but hey... we'll be ok :) and we'll have orgasms.

*sigh* I suppose I should shut it down for the night and try to get some shut eye... though I need to visit the loo before I go to sleep it would seem...

They always were afraid schto ja rodinu prodal a po pravde ja byl prosto malenkij medvedik sel na velosipedik i vsjo nahuj proebal...

With my students we get into some pretty emotional talks... the last couple of weeks have been a bit hard on them unfortunately... hitting them with stress and then a week on dealing with emotions... followed with a week of 'relaxation' and having the conversation of what is it really that is relaxing and what is it that is just a sleep inducer or depressant... So this past week they've had meditations they've had to do that are supposed to help them reach a state of relaxation using the art of silence.. which of course is lost nowadays... silence is often drowned out by music, companionship, television and even just the hum of electricity in the house seems to overwhelm silence...

Now it's obviously very hard to get your hands on a sensory deprivation chamber at the corner store... though silence can be achieved even laying in your bed with your ears plugged up with cotton... sometimes you just need to lay there in silence to really get to know yourself better... or to really examine and come to possible solutions with stuff that is stressing you out... sometimes just blocking out that noise will help you get some decent sleep...

So in the hustle and bustle of the busy day nowadays when are we supposed to find this time to plug up our ears, or lay in our bath tubs with our ears under water for more then the 5 minutes it would take to bathe... my answer to that... make time.

Are you so busy going out all the time with friends? too busy playing online games? too busy on the computer fucking around?

I was always taught... you want to do something and you say you're too busy... then make time...

your friend needs your help? do they really need 6 hours of your time or would 4 suffice...?

I always think that's the biggest cop out 'I'm too busy'

The same with all the excuses that people come up with... there was this or that or whatever that needed to be done... did they really?

My one English teacher (that I loved dearly ~ he kept me from having a nervous breakdown in grade 11) had us do an exercise once where he handed out a timetable for an entire week... blocking out all 168 hours in the week... he had us colour in all the times that we had school. the time it took to get to and from school, and then told us to fill in the rest of the week with the 'extra' stuff we did... between extra school stuff (all the clubs I was in), my dancing, karate and other stuff I had going on... I had stuff over lapping... doing homework at the dance studio because of having to be there for 3 classes in one night but having an hour long gap between classes... I had only enough time to sleep... and even that was poor due to insomnia... I found that the only time I had to myself to rest and relax was the middle of the night...even then I would listen to music, read a book or watch tv... usually until my body couldn't take it anymore and I'd pass out... when he saw my schedule I thought he was going to faint... there was some nights because of whatever club or group I was in at the high school, I wouldn't get home until nearly 9pm some nights... he shook his had at me and told me that if I didn't do something about it I'd end up with health issues... (ok so he was right... thx Mr Werner)

I haven't gotten any better over the years... between teaching once a week, Lions once a week, DCN once a month (for meetings, sometimes more often for other things), Women's Circle, trying to raise my boys, dealing with issues that arise from school, making time for my outside family... I don't have a whole lot of down time... I'm always keeping busy... I'm now trying to get back into meditating when I can find a few minutes... passing the computer instead of immediately sitting down at it...

It's not that I believe in the whole idle hands cliche, but I find if I sit around too much I just get bored... taking on two more students and trying to catch them up to the others on odd days has started to get to me as well... because of course they're busy people as well... but I still sit and think... gah when are they going to get finished what I've given them...

I dunno I guess it was just ingrained in me when I was younger... my parents were busy people... their own business, chamber of commerce, rotary, lions, karate... they were always heading to a meeting of some sort... I mean isn't that how it's supposed to be?

I look at the boychild's face as I head out for one meeting or another and wonder some days... or see how he reacts when I tell him I don't have a meeting that night and he cheers... but I don't know what I would do if I didn't do the stuff I do... I always try to make sure that nothing complicates my weekends, unless it's something I can bring my family too as well...

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm rambling... well only sort of... I mean you're reading a blog with 'ramblings' in the title so really... *shrugs*

I've come down with a fever and am sick again... I was thinking back and really this is the first time since last fall where I was headaches, sinus pain, sore throat, coughing so bad I might pull something... sick. It was back in September end of August when I felt like this before... I'm scared.

Really legitimately scared... mostly that I'll end up in the hospital... last time I did.

I've warned the Man that I've taken the meds that might have me waking up in the middle of the night for an ice pack or two... just seems so unfair that I would do that to him... and I hate it.

But I hate feeling like this. Unfortunately, when I get sick like this because of the lack of drugs I can take it generally lasts a couple of weeks... I don't have time for that. I'm too busy ;)

Nothing like doing it the old fashioned way... with warm tea and bourbon... booyah. If that doesn't work and I'm still coughing then I'll have to break out my special supply of cough syrup.

Anyway... I guess I should go and get into my nice warm bed and see if I can get rid of these chills and fever...

I can't wait Big Daddy... one month. *squees weakly*

Heart.

I remember when it happened...

The first time it felt as though someone had reached in with their bare hands... ripped my fragile heart from my chest and made it shatter into a million pieces... I remember withering and feeling such loneliness inside I thought I was going insane... I remember thinking that there was no one else who could have possibly felt as bad as I did.... feeling as if life wasn't worth living if I was to stay alive with this gaping wound in my chest... living without my own heart...

Then as I continued on over time I felt as though I wasn't as alone,wasn't as broken as I had originally felt... that maybe with each thing that made me smile... made me laugh... made me cry a good cry... I was slowly getting pieces of my heart back...with each birth of my children I felt that I felt the warmth of unconditional love spread and manifest in me...

Since my children I have loved quite differently... I love now unconditionally... hard concept for lots of people... I love without borders of place, sex or time... I can love wholeheartedly... I just thought it natural after my kids were born... I realize that love is infinite... love is not a natural resource that can run dry... even those who have hurt me since... they still brought me back a piece of my heart...and so therefore will remain in my heart...

Each person that I have brought myself to love has broken me back a piece of my shattered heart from what feels like a million years ago... I figured by now all of the pieces were back... but it always surprises me when another one comes back... and how it comes back... or how they may not realize that what they're bringing too me is a piece of me.

My heart is fragile.... breaking it doesn't make me stronger... it makes it weaker... my heart is bad and has it's own problems... after finding out about its problems I went to have it fixed but they said it wouldn't be 100% ever again... so now I guard my heart even more... from breakage... It's those who still have a small piece to give back too me that end up getting through...

For it's those ones who have a piece to give back to me that could so easily hurt me and yet still be astonished years later if they happen to find out that I could still love them... I often picture it that when my heart shattered that first time all the pieces hit all these people and they've been slowly trickling into my life to give me the pieces back s that I may feel whole again.