...useless

I feel...utterly useless.

To the point of being a burden.

Last night was horrible and great at the same time.

I'm trying to stay positive but with each day it just sort of gets harder to do. Last night was the very first bout of the NRG and I would have loved to have skated of course, but not even that...I couldn't help with set up, I couldn't help with tear down. I was stationed for an hour or so upstairs at the concession and felt that I was just in the way the whole time. I went downstairs after that and sat with Burton at the Kidzone...and painted a couple of kids faces....but still.

By the end of the second bout I was just so tired and in so much pain that I could barely smile at the girls who were playing.

I got photos and videos but even those didn't turn out very good at all.

There was a ceremony for one of our girls who right now is battling breast cancer, she's an awesome woman and such a symbol of strength. At the beginning of the night all the girls lined up to give her flowers. I wasn't included in that even though I was sitting three seats away from her. I also wasn't included in any photos that were taken at the end of the night of the league.

I felt very not included in nearly everything last night.

I'm starting to wonder if maybe my accidental breaking of my leg was a sign that I shouldn't really be involved with the derby.

By my calculations I'll likely not even be able to get out on my skates again until after I'm back from my trip to Reno. I'll have missed literally the entire first season.

One of the girls said she knows how I feel because she had to take a season off because she was pregnant.

I just... I dunno...I'm really sad.

and I feel like such a fucking wanker for breaking my fucking leg before even having played one game...

I've tried to not complain too much to any one about how I'm feeling... it helps a bit when Big Daddy tells me that it'll be ok...because at least he as some experience with fucked up ankles.... but even his reassurances wear off after awhile and it's not really his job to make sure that I stay up beat...

I know that The Man isn't really holding it against me but it's hard for me to not feel bad when he starts off a sentence with 'With me having to do everything around here now...' which is usually followed up with a 'I'm not complaining I'm just saying'

I went to the bout last night...I was at the arena from 4pm until 10pm...and I was so tired and so sore... that I couldn't get up this morning to take the Manchild and myself to Niagara Falls for this thing that my sister was putting on... as a matter of fact I didn't wake up and get out of bed until well after 3 nearly 4 this afternoon...

I feel so useless.