I didn't care anymore...

When I left Reno I was gutted...heart broken...trying so hard to see the good in it and just trying to keep in mind that Big Daddy had found someone who lived close to him that he had developed feelings for and that he wanted a 'normal' monogamous relationship with this woman he had found.

I knew he loved me and would still love me for awhile at least, I knew that I would always love him...he had become a huge part of my life even if he was so far away... I resented him a little bit for going back on his original word but I got over that and we had been managing, or at least I thought, even though I knew that one day he would find someone to replace me and he would no longer need me in his life... I tried to think that I was helping him...trying to keep him in good spirits and making sure that he knew that he was not a failure and that he was/is loved by others...that he is a good person and just like most of us is flailing through life but I hoped that I was a bright spot in his life that he could look to if he needed to talk or just needed the reassurance of the fact that he is worthy of being loved... I still hope that he knows that.

Bing...You are worthy of love.

to steal it from one of my favourite Tom Wait songs 'Now I'm home and I'm blind and I'm broke, what is next...'

I didn't know what to do... I didn't care.

I held my shit together as much as I could around my kids and around The Man. I had friends that I knew I could talk to but amazingly enough it was two of my other exes that heard the crying...saw the tears...heard the fears and just was there...and by there I mean on the internet...

It was so much easier for me to cry to them.

I didn't really want the Man to see just how destroyed I was...which was stupid of me...of course he saw...

He had to deal with me not wanting to be touched...not really wanting to be hugged...he got used to me shutting off certain songs on the radio, clearing others from my playlists, me just stopping and turning away from others for a few moments to compose my thoughts again and put my facade back up as it was threatening to crumble...the moments where I couldn't answer him because there was a huge lump in my throat...

All the while still talking to Big Daddy and trying really hard to make it seem like no big deal via text...but crying after nearly every conversation...

I tried really hard to not say much of what was on my mind here on my blog so that Big Daddy wouldn't read it and possibly feel guilty or get upset or start thinking that not talking to me would be best...it would have made it worse.

Panic/Anxiety attacks started...only reason I knew what they were was because my doc originally thought that's what my heart condition was...but anyway...

My fight or flight would kick into high gear, heart racing, unable to breathe properly...etc.

It was a tough year in my head.

I stopped working out... I stopped caring about how I looked... I knew that my motivator had been Big Daddy.... I wanted to show up in Reno and look so good for him that his jaw would drop and he'd go 'daaaayum'... yep shallow but that's what I wanted to happen when he would see me...So I used that when I had the doctor tell me that I was dying...it became my motivation for eating properly and working out and doing derby

So when I realized that I just didn't care anymore... I was slowly killing myself by not working out and not eating the diet the doctor put me on... it started in Reno when I went off my restrictions...and just got progressively worse the rest of this year...to the point where the other night I ate mashed potatoes, regular stuffing, a box of chocolates (7), some regular chocolate covered cookies, and washed it down with an eggnog type latte from Starbucks...

I felt so ill... but got so high...

I had been at the doctors in November and he asked me what was going on and why was I not eating properly anymore...I just shrugged and said I'd fallen off the wagon so to speak...he was under the impression that for that year before Reno my motivation was the fact that he had told me if I didn't do something I would die...I told him I had lost my motivation...yeah it sounded like I wanted to die...

And for the last year I haven't really cared if I did.

*shrugs* it's true...every time I put something in my mouth that I knew I wasn't supposed to eat I knew that it was going to turn to poison in my system and I would be getting ever closer to death again and I would mentally shrug and I just wouldn't care...

I would say that I needed to get back on track and stop being such an asshole with my health and yada yada yada...but inside I just didn't care anymore...

I'd say that since about September I've been trying to get myself back on the caring wagon...I had a bit of a fall again in October when I realized that it had been a year since I had seen Big Daddy... a year since I had hugged him..a year since I heard his voice... a year since I had heard him tell me that he will always love me...

I had given up on myself... Every happy moment I had was always shadowed...

I threw myself into my friends...helping them any way that I could... I needed life lines... household projects... talking through issues or problems with them...derby (although it was a deflating moment when I found out from Big Daddy that she was signing up to become a derby girl too)...

I found distractions... knitting was a big help... can't dwell when needing to count stitches... Roo hooked me up with some online learning courses that definitely distracted me..

My Roo-bee-Roo has been the bestest...not only did he come to visit me in June but he's let me cry on his shoulder virtually so many times...I've disclosed so many feelings to him that I've not told anyone... not the Man...not the Wifey...no one...
Roo would make me smile or would just let me lean on him...

So it was in November that I realized that I really was trying to kill myself...by not adhering to the diet...by not working out...by not caring... I was slowly committing suicide...

I got a surprise in the trip to NYC... not only was I amazed at how well I did walking all over the place without complaint...but I tried as best I could to adhere to my restrictions... I was in awe of the city...
As I passed ground zero I realized that I was being a selfish asshole... it jarred me...

Most know (if they know me) I use sex to process things about myself...

It was in NYC that I realized that something was wrong with me...like...really really wrong...

On the way home I decided that I was not going to over analyze or try to process anything about that trip except the fact that it had been so cool to just be there... I distracted myself with talking to the Wifey's hubby for 4 hours and then slept until I saw The Man again...


The Dark Times this year for me was all inner thoughts, wrestling and cuddling some of my demons and coming to an understanding.

I do not want to die.
I do care again.
I want everyone to look at me when they see me and say 'daaaayum'.
I need to keep my friends...because frankly they all fucking rock.
I love the Man, and Bing. I always will. I'm ok with that.
I have a crush. A huge crush.
I will eat better...for me.
I will not be embarrassed by how sexual of a being I truly am.
I will not be afraid to meet new people.

I woke up smiling. For one of the first times I wasn't thinking about someone else... I was smiling about myself. I was happy in that moment that I had woken up. Meditated for 30 minutes and was still smiling... and though there have been moments while typing this that I have shed a tear or two, I've been smiling.

I'm going to be alright.
Thank you Bing for the conversation the other day...it was surprising and comforting.
Thank you Roo... you are so awesome...wish you knew it truly. Come back soon.
Thank you DrunkenMonkey...it's been awhile since we've really talked for more then just a quick catch up, but you helped me out so much, especially while I was still in Reno.
Thank you Squasha...don't really need to list for what. It was so helpful you'll never understand how much.
Thank you Rubes... ;)

My biggest thanks has to go out to The Man because omg he's my rock...he is my foundation and keeps me grounded so  that I may take flight...he's been through so much in last 16 years with me and yet stays here and still tells people that I would have to kill him in order for him to leave...he's understanding of my needs and wants... doesn't make me feel less then what I am... and stands up as my defender...
thank you for knowing how fragile I really am but never treating me like I might break... even when you can see that I'm standing there breaking... thank you so much for loving me and understanding as I stand in a grocery store and have a small cry about a maragine product... thank you for hugging my fiercely at home and giving me distance in public...


I do not want to die.
I'm going to be the most perfect me I can be...so I'm going to be alright.

A Bona Fide Date...?

So...
I was really nervous for nearly a week. Did the girly thing of...what am I going to wear?

I don't date. I hook up. I 'hang out'. I use men and they use me.

This was different...
This was a date with someone I knew as an acquaintance through friends. Didn't know what we were going to talk about and I didn't know much about him except that he's a hard worker, dry sense of humour and has a great smile.

I got advice on what to wear from Nickle, The Man and Burton.
(nothing like your husband and wife giving you advice for a date outfit)
Tough going on a date in Canada in December...first impression... Oooo what a nice parka...lol

He was super sweet and held doors open, walked me over to my side of the car and opened the car door for me, told me I looked nice...

It wasn't completely awkward or strained, but wasn't exactly relaxed. We're both fairly shy...might sound weird but yeah... I'm shy. I get quiet and unsure of how to act when around new people, until I feel them out, to see how much crazy I can let strain through...lol

I think it surprised the mutual friends of ours to find out that we were out together.

We traded a couple of texts today just mentioning how we both had a good time.

So I'm glad that our shy awkwardness didn't get in the way of enjoying each others company.

It was a lovely dinner at the Keg with a view of the falls that would have been great with a bit less mist. Nonetheless, it was a delicious meal.

Dessert was extremely yummy.

Thank Fuck.

Well halla-fucking-lujah...
After being 3 weeks late my period finally decided to show up...and in full force...

Had me sweating just a little bit though.

Wouldn't believe how happy I was when I suddenly had an onset of some major fucking cramping today...

There was a bit of stressful shit going on around me...but yeah... 3 weeks of feeling a bit ill, having some strange cravings and fucked up sleep patterns...

Kinda figured I wasn't pregnant when my boobs didn't hurt...

*shrugs*

I'm a girl. This is my blog. Girl issues will be posted.

So...after 3 weeks of wondering what the hell is going on with my body... I've decided I'm going to go talk to my doctors about getting 'fixed'
That would make life easier.

In a New York Minute...

Well hello New York City... *blinks*
So that just happened, and by that I mean I spent 36 hours in NYC...

When first asked to come out for the weekend I had to turn it down which made me sad... not because of the coursework and exam I was supposed to write  on Sunday (which I failed to complete by going), not because I'm a mum with two kids and shouldn't be out gallivanting, and not because I wasn't 'allowed' to go...but because I didn't really have the money for it...apparently where there's a 'want' there's a way...

I was doing homework on Friday and it was late in the afternoon when I was going back and forth in a conversation about this possibility.

Oddly enough I had an idea that instead of looking at departures from here that I would take a gander at leaving from Buffalo (hell why not, I generally fly in and out of Buffalo, why not check for a bus) and lo and behold much much cheaper... cheaper by nearly a hundred bucks.

Needless to say I started hustling my ass around the house tying up last minute things, grabbing some clothes and so forth before heading over for game night, before heading over to surprise the Manchild (post about that later), hadn't had dinner yet, printing out bus tickets....

It was all so very surreal when the Man dropped me off at the bus station (well he did wait until I was on the bus before leaving)... Every so often I just looked at him and say 'I'm going to New York City'...

To me it's another one of those places that you see in movies and on TV and never really think you'll ever see in person...which was understandable about San Francisco to me it's on the other side of another country, technically yeah NYC is in another country but it's 8 hours from here...depending on your mode of transport.

Buffalo Bus Station @ 2:30am

Got to the bus station over in Buffalo and caught the bus headed to NYC at 2:40am, I was tired, nervous and excited.

We got to Syracuse at approximately 6am, and the driver informed us that he was hoping that we could just leave again but that HQ said no because there were people that wanted to get on the bus at the scheduled time of 6:30a so we sat about on the bus for a half an hour...they actually had enough people to fill two buses at Syracuse.

On The Road...

Lucky me...I sat there in my seat at the window hoping to not have to sit next to anyone that is too horrid. As it was I lucked out, the last woman on the bus who would have had to sit next to me, went back up to the driver asked for her ticket back and then said that she'd find a spot on the other bus. Yay I didn't have to sit next to anyone...but wait...what's wrong with me? O.o (lol)

So we were off again after the driver asked if we wanted a meal stop...which seemed to get a resounding no. So lo and behold in New York City by 10:30am...

My first look at the NYC skyline...it was awesome.

However... Come to find out that the bus was not at Penn Station as was first thought (thankfully I asked the driver where the hell we were) come to find out that Greyhound runs out of the Port Authority Bus Terminal...where the fuck did google at home come up with Penn Station...

I very quickly sent a message out to say that I made it but was not where I had assumed I would be. Because that would have been too easy.
I got topside to see where the hell I was in the city and as soon as I opened the door to the street I was immediately hit with noise...so much noise...traffic, sirens, horns honking, people talking, jackhammers... and just the sheer amount of people...
I had just spent 8hrs in a bus that was quiet and dark...I was overwhelmed immediately...thankfully was really excited as well...all I could do was smile...

What I walked out of the terminal to...

So after finding out that he was at W 32nd & 7th... I let him know that I was standing at W 41st & 8th, and that's where I remained until he showed up. I just waited watching the people as they went by, had a smoke and wanted a shower...lol

So we walked... (that will be the running theme throughout my post...we walked.)

Heading back to the hotel because I wanted to drop my stuff off and get out of the clothes I had been in since 6pm the night before.

We cut through Grand Central Station on our way.

Grand Central

Grand Central

Got to the hotel where I got to have a lovely shower in a very odd shower stall...I'm actually sorry that I didn't take a picture of it...it didn't have a full door that closed and it was short...the spout was great for me...but not great if you're over 5'10"...lol
Gudaye McQuack came with but for safety reasons he got left in the hotel...but...

Still got a pic of him hanging in the bathroom with me..

So...after being convinced that it would be best to see the Empire State building the next morning instead...

we set out for a walkabout...

Trump World Tower

United Nations Building

Chrysler Building in the distance

Gold topped building that we never did find out what it was.

Not sure...but liked the building

National Debt Clock...?

It must be good if it's from a bald man...right?

I felt like a little kid in a candy store at IT'SUGAR because...all the candy was huge!

Environmentally minded...

IT'SUGAR

um...I wasn't about to try those...

5lb gummy bear anyone?

how much did I want the black Dashie tote...?!

United States Courthouse

Photobomb.

Lovely building...no idea what it is though...

um... is there a small hobbit shire in NYC?

The new tower that is being completed next to Ground Zero.

the building next to the courthouse...

and pair the tote with the lunch box...omg! yeah I wanted them pretty badly...lol

I sort of had this morbid curiosity, that I believe is just human nature, to see the memorial that they have put together at ground zone, that was until... we walked up to it to see very tall fences that you could not see through, topped with barbed wire and all sorts of signs stating that you had to go purchase a pass to get into the memorial.

Now that I've discussed it with a couple of others...I feel that, how I felt about this is a bit more reasonable and valid. I was disappointed that they are charging people to go in to see the memorial, and feel as though we may have donated money to go inside rather than outright pay a fee. At least I would have. 

I had been walking along in good spirits and joking about a bit...coming upon ground zero was fairly sobering... there's just this heaviness that hangs about...as I stood there and all those television images came to mind as I walked along the sidewalk...the people jumping out the windows, the people covered in the cement dust, the crying faces, the horrified looks on peoples faces as they watched two iconic buildings just crumble to dust in front of them, knowing full well that they were not emptied of people...

My steps slowed a bit as we walked past and I tried not to cry from the heavy feeling that suddenly surrounded me...

The new tower is beautiful and because of our meanderings around the city I did get to see it from all sides.

The first time seeing her before walking a long way...

 Did I get to see Lady Liberty...? Why yes I did...lol Was she amazing and beautiful and breath taking...? Uh...not really...lol

I believe both of us had the reaction of... 'I thought she'd be bigger...' 

Liberty Landing Ferry..you'd think it lands on Ellis Island with a name like that...

So saw the above ferry and did the 'hey want to go on the ferry to the island...' well sure we did...but then come to find out that this ferry didn't actually go out to the island, it just went for a 15 - 20 min ride into the water and then back again. However there was a sign stating that the ferry out to the island was '15 minutes south down the promenade'...mhmm...

This is the ferry that actually goes out to the island.

Liars... I believe it was at least 30 to 45 minutes later we finally came across where the ferry is and then come to find out that it was sold out for the day... boo... oh well... got some other good pics of her from the water... though she still was tiny looking to me...lol

Statue of Liberty...maybe next time I'll catch the ferry out to see her

As can be told in the above pic...it was getting later in the afternoon...our feet were killing us (and my legs)...we caught a cab back to the hotel and decided a nap before dinner was a good idea...

The Waldorf Astoria Hotel

Went and met up with one of his colleagues at 7ish for dinner...went to a restaurant called Nippon ...didn't get any pictures but it was definitely an interesting meal...got to listen to shop talk that I, of course, had no clue about...which was fine as I was having a good time people watching and soaking it all in...

After dinner we walked on down to an Irish pub called the Perfect Pint...well holy shit you'd think those people never wanted you to leave the bar the way they would keep offering up drinks and making sure that you were good.... waiter, bar tender, manager and a dude that looked like he owned the place...Got educated that evening about 'WDS' always fun to learn new things about the human anatomy...

So wandered back to the hotel and decided it was time for bed...

16th floor

Did you know that even on the 16th floor you can still hear...horns honking, sirens blaring, valets whistling for cabs, and if you strain your ear a bit, people...down on the street below...

I didn't. Until laying down to sleep. Of course after admiring the view, and trying to see how many people across the street left their blinds and curtains open... alas only one room and they were all just sitting around talking... but man... 'what a view'...loved the view.

Next morning...it looks like this outside...

This was actually taken from the bus while it was foggy and rainy on the way to NYC but yeah...it pretty much looked like this.

Come to find out that I was an idiot and hadn't plugged my phone in to charge during the night whilst I slept...so woke up to a dead phone :( *sigh* so yeah...plugged it in and got dressed and what not...by the time we left it was starting to rain..and there was no way I would be going up the Empire State building to get any pictures...colour me not impressed...especially when it had been so nice the day before...I was sad. I had wanted pics from up there really badly.

Anyway... needless to say I felt like an asshole because of my phone not being charged...which of course isn't just a source of communication but also my camera at this point...sat around in the hotel room watching some telly before finally when my phone hit 35% we left to go for another walkabout...

The tree wasn't unveiled yet at Rockefeller Centre but it was there peaking out from the scaffolding... 

LEGOLAND!!

Rockefeller Centre skating rink...now...maybe if it was quads and not blades... ;)

NBC Studios and Radio City Music Hall

Grabbed a pic of this sandwich shop because I thought the name was cute...it was below Rockefeller Centre

Atlas at Rockefeller Centre

Versace and Cartier (is wrapped like a gift) So many women seem disappointed when they find out that I did not go there and shop until I dropped... seriously do I come across like one of those women...?

Um...yeah... Trump Tower...

Dude outside of Central Park. If it was nicer out I would have gone inside the park proper to get some pics...

Got a few pics of the Apple store for The Nerd

Zoltar!! (from Big...if you don't know...you suck)

Is it bad that I didn't go through and look at the toys but spent a helluva lot of time looking at all the candy...knowing full well I can't eat any of it...lol

Muppet Workshop inside F.A.O Schwarz...

Madison Ave

Because you need 5 floors of Nike...

As seen on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives... (not where lunch was had though)

Lunch at the Manchester Pub...English name, Irish flag, Japanese bartender...lol

I tapped out at lunch...I just couldn't do any more walking...especially since I knew that evening I would have to be walking somewhat to get back to the bus terminal...and really at that point...the only things left was to go to Times Square and also buy myself a hoodie like my San Fran one...

 

Laid down back at the hotel and fell asleep listening to the football game (Jets vs Bills... Bills won)...woke up with plenty of time before I had to go... 

Apparently there had been a miscommunication...he thought my bus left at 8:30p where it was actually not leaving until 10:30p... 

So he had been asking if I would be alright with walking back or possibly taking a cab back to the terminal because he had to meet his colleague for dinner again... to which I looked at the clock and was none to happy but what was I going to do...no sense pitching a fit like an infant.

I was also still a bit worried about where exactly it was I had to catch the bus since there was the mix up with the whole arriving at Penn Station...so as we separately got ready (he for dinner, me for apparently getting myself back to the terminal) he asked if it said anything on my ticket... which I handed him so he could look at it and said 'Your bus isn't until 10:30? I thought it was at 8:30.' 

With that cleared up, his response was a chuckle before saying 'Well come to dinner with us and then I'll get you to the station after'. Lovely. Now I relax a bit and I'm thinking I don't have to walk across the city by myself in the dark, because I'm just really not comfortable with that, and strangely enough more so uncomfortable with taking a taxi by myself...

I know I'm weird.

So went for dinner at the Lexington Brass, which was interesting. Lovely Spanish couple came in and sat beside us and I couldn't help smiling about them... 

Grabbed a pic from online because the place was so dark when we were there and this pic shows the table we were at so it made me want to post it so I could look at it again another time.

But that stopped the moment he said that he was 'wussing out' and wouldn't be walking down to the terminal. Um...

It was now 9p and I had no idea where I was going... So went to the restroom so that I wasn't exactly fretting in front of his colleague...

I don't know... even just taking a cab with me would have been a nice offer at that point...you know to ensure that I get to the station like I'm supposed to.

I felt so embarrassed.

In the end they both walked me down, he (not so happily), the colleague though didn't seem to mind the walk and I made sure to thank him for walking with us. I was sad because I only got to see Times Square at a distance twice and really sad that I didn't have a chance to find a hoodie...

Times Square a couple of blocks over...

Ran out of time due to having to harass him to make sure I got to where I was going. 

On a lighter note... New York City made me feel very small... The buildings are so tall. I got discombobulated while walking there as to where north, south, east and west were...even the street names didn't help. I would think we were walking westward only to find that no we had been heading east...

Walking down the sidewalk with two men who are well over 6ft can make me feel even smaller... though probably looked funny to others when they were flanking me.

So... would I go back?

Yeah I think I would... I got a taste this time and would like to go back to see and do more sometime.

What you get when trying to get photographic proof of a man ironing... lmao

 All total I believe he walked about upwards of 30km and me upwards of 20km in the 36 hours that I was there.

I pretty nearly slept Monday away... I drove home from the bus station...making a pit stop at McD's...where I proceeded to eat so much I thought I'd puke...

Back to the grind.