One Day... I'll Figure Out How To Kill It...

Ever since I was a little girl I have had body image issues...

That is not an uncommon thing to hear someone say nowadays...

I grew up being put on diets so I could fit in my spring recital costumes for dancing...being called a lard ass or fat ass when weighing 125 lbs... It takes it's toll on you when you're put down about the way you look or your weight...
After having my first son I thought I was flawed and that the stretch marks on my thighs, breasts, stomach and hips would make me undesirable to anyone...

I met a woman who tried very hard to get it through my head that stretch marks should be thought of as 'tiger stripes' or 'badges of honour'... even now that's what I'll tell other women who self-shame themselves about theirs...even as I look in a mirror and wish that my stomach would be smooth...
It's never been flat...I always had a small ponch on my stomach...not realizing when  I was younger that it was a lot smaller in reality then it was in my imagination... looking back I'd like to go smack my younger self for thinking and believing that I was fat... I had curves and was sexy...

I still have curves and am told that I'm sexy... I find it hard to believe it though...

The Man and I have been together for 16 years... he has seen me at my smallest weight of 105 lbs and seen me at my largest of 250ish lbs... and never once has ever said anything negatively to me about my weight... and yet I still have this inner struggle...

I'll walk around in next to nothing, in only a sarong...or wear form fitting clothes...or tight jeans... now.

But even a couple of years ago I wouldn't...

I've said many times that even when I weighed my heaviest...I never 'felt' fat... I knew I was a big girl... there are men out there that love them some plus sized girls...so I would feel desired...even though I would still look in a mirror and say...but I could use to lose a couple of pounds...and always dreamed of a smooth stomach again...

I know if I eat right and get more exercise I could go back down (losing some of the weight that I gained back in the last year) again...

I've been with men who have said they enjoyed my company and told me that they think that I'm sexy...

but it had been a really long time since a man ran his hands over my naked body in a lit room and told me that I have a beautiful sexy body...

I nearly cried a little...as I said one word... 'Really?'

No matter how much I preach positive body image to other women and tell them to love themselves and take care of themselves and don't settle for a man who won't love you the way you are...

I still dislike my own and seem to find it hard to believe that someone could look past, what I think are my flaws, and love my body just the way it is...

Even now as I sit in my sports bra and a pair of jogging pants and look down at my stretch mark covered stomach... there's a small voice inside my head that says 'yeah but he was drinking that night, so maybe he didn't really mean it...' or 'well maybe he was just saying that because he thought that's what you wanted to hear...'

That tiny voice that never lets me enjoy and savour the fact that someone told me that they found me desirable... I try very hard to tell that tiny voice to fuck off...unfortunately it's the same inner voice that feeds most of my fears... but that's for another day...