Craziness Spreads Like Wild Fire

I've gotten addicted to the distraction, so that I'm not even subconsciously focusing on the obsession, that had been a distraction, that would lead to massive depression.


So very deep... ;)

Well hello again and welcome to the fact that I think I've gone a bit insane...

I signed up for some online distant learning type courses...

I'm a glutton for punishment...although if you've been along on this crazy ride with me from the beginning you probably already know that... but... if you haven't...

I signed up for a Social Psychology course...an Introductory Physiology course... which some people know those two courses have been kicking my ass a bit and taking up all sorts of my time and energy...so the gluttony comes in when I now reveal that I've signed up for a third course... not only is it a third on top of all the hours of stuff I'm doing for these other two courses, it technically started 3 days ago... so... I got behind in my other two courses when Burton and I went away... like nearly a week behind... caught up with those two and decided yesterday... fuck it let's go big and add this one that started a couple days ago...yep...glutton.

At least it's not quite as 'heavy' so to speak as the the two original courses... it's entitled Think Again: How to Reason and Argue... 3 lectures in and I'm really liking it...

I sort of forgot how much I really love to learn...it's been a beautiful distraction...one of the best so far...

Especially right now when things are... I'm not sure how to put it exactly... things are... starting to 'flare up' again....

I thought it might...but I'm really really trying not to pay attention to it...

It's close to the time where Burton and the Nerd will be leaving for Cali for 'good'... I say for good but really do hope that it's uber temporary...

It's nearly back to school time... which The Boychild's school has moved into this town instead of being two town's over...so that will make 'laying a beat down' a lot easier if necessary... and I'm not talking about laying it down on him...

I'm a crazy git and turned down a $14/hr full time job...the responsible part of my brain has been screaming at me that I'm insane for not taking it, that we could really use that money, and so forth... and yet the most of the time, stressed out side of my brain pointed out that...I wouldn't be able to go to derby practice any more, I wouldn't make it to Wednesday night skates, I wouldn't be able to make it to game night any more... and really...those are the only times I've really been leaving my house...and they've been really good stress relievers...
We're not falling into destitution if I don't work, we just don't have a whole lot of money for extras and do have to save up a bit when we want stuff...
But I truly believe that I would become a miserable cunt ALL the time if I took that job.
And strangely enough... The Man agreed.

This past Tuesday I went and got some new ink... I'm liking it although my arm hurts...My Sister and I went down to my artist and got matching tattoos...
So now I have 4...I won't be allowed to get any more until the Man gets one...if it wasn't for this being a present from my Sister...this last one wouldn't have happened...only because the Man has been saying since my first one  that he's next...lol (his taste in imagery is expensive)

My Sister's is the top one, which leaves the bottom one as Me!

I'm trying to think what else has happened in the last little bit...Oh went away with Burton... That was a fun weekend...we went up a day early this year...omg that was so nice...so quiet... she read an entire book...I did some stick weaving (aka knitting)...sat in silence...because we could...and can with each other without it being weird...Red Spiral was really fun though this year for me...even though it was small and had a bunch of new faces...missed a lot of the 'old' faces...but fun was still had...

Yep This Happened!! A Rainbow Ballerina Fairy Kitty!!

Who really liked playing on the swing... ;)

This years' theme was The Child Within... I liked playing dress up as a child...decided to do it during the weekend as well.

In the vein of craziness that is me still... I had signed up in July for a 5km run called Run or Dye...I think it my be a case of me Dying while Dyeing... because well... I haven't been to the gym in months and haven't been working out anywhere else... so maybe when I go to do the 'run' it'll be a lovely wake up call for me...lol and maybe it'll get my ass back to the gym.

I can't sit still for too long without a true purpose... or I really start to lose it...
Blogging has been difficult it requires me to look at myself and see what it is I want to say to the world...
But really...
There is so much I'd like to say but just can't.

So I'll continue to mask....

Right in the Feels.

All The Feels.

Makes me cry every time... because... I know.

Baggage...

So I'm getting ready to go to Red Spiral once again.
I'm at the stage now where I'm going to be packing my bag. The last couple of nights it's been chilly down here so I imagine it'll be chilly up North.

I came across my garment bag type suitcase, and by came across I mean it's still half packed full of clothing that I had taken on the trip to Reno last year. I opened it up and smiled with some really bittersweet memories as I looked at what was packed away and forgotten about. They lil multi-coloured dress I'd hang around the house in, the dress I've only worn once because my bday last year was the first time it fit me properly. There's a lot of reminders in the bag...of what had happened, has happened, will never happen again, and a few 'I wish that had of happened' as well.

By this time the last couple years I was sitting here with an itinerary and plane tickets all ready to fly away to see Bing. Well in 2009 it was me waiting for him to get here...

Couple more months it'll come full circle. And as of right now there's only one loose end that needs to be tied up, that he promised he would but hasn't. Hard to believe (to me) that this has where it's nearly ended up.

A bag of clothes that at times is too painful to unpack...and a shirt.

But for now I pack my bag so that I can go on one last camping trip up North before my lovely wife leaves me to follow her hubs to San Bruno.

Thankfully I have other bags that I can put clothes in... ;)

What Was I Thinking...?

How am I feeling today...?

Scared to death.

Yep that's the long and the short of it... well technically it's not the long... that's the short of it... I'm about to get into the long of it.

So only three people know about what's about to happen... the first because he lives with me, the second because he told me about it in the first place and therefore has signed on to be a part of my support system to get through this, right Roo? :P... and the third my sister... because even though she can be judgemental at times she's still super supportive of me...

Roo and I were talking one night and he was telling me about this course he had signed up for and how he had to work on his homework and so forth... I told him how that was cool... and the conversation kind of went from there where he sent me a link to the place he had signed up at... lo and behold next thing I know I'm signing up for this Social Psychology course offered through Wesleyan University... looking through the other courses listed I find a 12 week long course through Duke University, Introductory Human Physiology... the psych one is a 6 week course...

I've been really excited at the prospect of taking these courses... especially the Physiology one because of all the time I've spent discussing the human body with Dr Awesome...who is a Physiologist... helpful.

So last night while I'm sitting here I get an email saying that the Physiology course is open over a week early...whoo!, right?... I was sitting here watching the welcome lectures and started getting probably more nervous then scared...but still a scary prospect trying to go back  to some sort of schooling so late in the game...yep...I'm old.

The Man is very supportive ... of course... he's my Rory :)
He's even looking into a couple courses he might be interested in for the end of summer.

So yeah a bit nervous... ok... a lot nervous...

I don't like failing anything...

Kinda how I'm feeling about this venture

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow...Oh Yeah I Went There.

I've been thinking about and putting this post off for weeks now...

I've had the opinion of if I don't talk about it then maybe just maybe it won't affect me...I only fool myself for so long when I do that... and then it'll finally get to the point where I can't sleep and my depression will start to take over again... and it has started to... I've not wanted to go anywhere or really socialize with people... and generally when I start sliding down the slope of depression everything just seems to snowball... right now it's this and money that started it...and it just makes me think about all sorts of things that I should just forget about completely...


I've sort of gotten to the point where I just want to say Fuck San Francisco.
I've been there it's beautiful it smells like the ocean that I've always wanted to see and has the weather that I tend to like, and runs on the natural rhythms of  my inner clock... so you would think that would make me love San Fran... but nope.

Burton is leaving. She and The Nerd are moving. They're moving to California...now I already have mixed emotions to start with for California but now...

Anyway...

They're moving to Palo Alto (just south of San Fran), from what I've gathered from her she's excited and yet really sad that she is having to move to the other side of another country (yeah...see what I did there Bing...)
I am really really sad that she's moving. I feel as though that once she moves I'll never see her again.

I know that she says she'll be back for visits and that but... I know what tends to happen in those sorts of circumstances. Especially people who have lots of friends like she does. I know because it happened with Squasha.

They come home to visit...they're tired from the time zone jumping....then family gets first visits (as they should)...then they try to make the rounds of taking care of any business that needs to be done while home...and then they make the rounds of those they have time to see who can work around their schedules...

The last 3 maybe 4 times that Squasha has made his way back here I've not seen him unfortunately... I've gotten used to it now, but I do miss him. Even the really quick visits of getting to talk with him in a bar over a couple of drinks.

Burton has a huge social circle... actually no... she has a lot of small social circles that have a lot of friends in them... which to me is awesome... I don't have that never known how she manages to keep up with all of us to tell you the truth... I do get a bit envious at times because I"d like to know how she does it... but anyway...

So I get really sad at times when I think of her leaving...

They leave I believe it's October now... as in just a few months away... which I suppose is good... don't draw it out... but kind of bad...it's really soon...

And of course in that time there will be at least one or two trips back to Cali to find themselves an apartment and getting settled with things there...

I just feel like I'll be doing with her over the next few months what I did with Bing for that few weeks last year...

Ya got two people who love each other who have to say good bye to each other... (obviously not exactly the same but you know...)

I can sit and hope that she'll hate it out there... but to tell you the truth... I really think she's going to love it.

So to me this is saying good bye to another person who is really dear to me... but all I can hope is that it turns out for her like it has with the others...

Squasha is happy, has a wife and a beautiful son and lives in Europe and still gets to play hockey ;)
Bing is happy with April and their combined kids, living in the beautiful desert.

All I can hope is that Burton and The Nerd love it in Cali together (since I already know how much The Nerd loves it out there) and that maybe...just maybe... after I find my way out of this hole that I'm in I can go and visit.

Hopefully by then the airport won't give me mind numbing anxiety/panic attacks any more.

I really heart my derby wife... and I really don't want her to go... :(