Ups and Downs

Life is full of them.

This I have actually learned over the years...I never kid myself into thinking that happiness is something to strive for...it's something you find in the smallest of moments...it's those small moments when I find myself smiling for no reason at all...

Today...there's been a couple of times that's happened...but mainly today has been a really low day...

now that I've been up and about and getting mobile again I'm realizing my limitations and for me it's frustrating...I've always been one of those people who believes that you can do anything...and when I can't do something I keep trying...it takes a lot before I become defeated...however...what's the most frustrating is the inability to do something I could do before...

I didn't realize just how much I danced around the house...whether I was bopping around 'like a muppet' (as I've been described as before)...or doing little ballet dances across the living room...I was always dancing either to the music in my head or to the music I'd be listening to...

I've wanted to cry because I haven't been able to dance...it was highlighted even more when I went to the bar and Burton was dancing around and all I could think was even if I wanted to dance I couldn't...then saw a commercial for So You Think You Can Dance...and just got sad...

I realize that it's going to take a long time to heal...and not to rush it...(believe me I've been getting that from everyone - Mom doesn't even want me walking on it yet...Big Daddy keeps asking me if I'm rushing it...)

I realize that I'm also hormonal today because of my 'courses'...lol (love using that word...)

I went swimming the other day for the first time this summer... and as wonderful as it was...I was really feeling it the next day...every time it hurts in the late afternoon/early evening I wonder if it's because I stressed it too much that day or because I'm building up the muscles and they're just reminding...I get a bit nervous...

I push myself but I let my pain guide me...so if it doesn't hurt I go just a bit further...I don't want to baby it and prolong the weak muscles...I want to be mobile.

I want to walk.

I WANT TO WALK GODDAMMIT!!!

*sigh*

Good Night