Why Do You Stay Up So Late At Night?

people have asked me that exact question on more than one occasion...

I've always been a night owl but there were times in the recent past that I down right refused to go to bed... for fear of waking up in the middle of one of my episodes and being scared and not able to breathe and having my heart racing...
it would scare me so bad that I would wait until I was so exhausted I would literally fall into bed so that I couldn't lie there in bed thinking and worrying about the episode that may or may not come in the middle of the night...

I've had my surgery... I should be ok now... right?

I've had my surgery but.. I'm not 100% like they said I would be... I'm not without any episodes like they said I would be... I still get them... not nearly as bed... but I still get them... I still get chest pains.. pressure... constricting... all of that is still there... the loss of the ability to breathe normally when all of this is happening... it's all still there...

Am I scared to go to sleep still, for fear of waking up and having an episode?

no... I'm not... I've not woken up like that since I had the surgery...

I've not yet had my two week post surgery check up.... not because I didn't want it... it was scheduled for Sept 5th but since the van wasn't ready I was still in Ohio and didn't make it... which do the math for me because I'm still not sure how Sept 5th is two weeks after July 19th... but anyway so I called when I got home and got it rescheduled... my two week post op check up is now Oct 17th... I know.. still not understanding their two weeks... but hey I wouldn't mind two of their weeks for my next vacation ;)

*sigh* back to the post...

So no I've not been having large episodes that wake me up in terror and scared as hell...

however it's changed now... there have been on several occasions where I have been asleep and dreamt that I went to my check up with my cardiologist and she told me that she wanted me to go back to Toronto and have it done again...

now even if that was the reality of the situation... I wouldn't do it... I would rather live like this then do that again...

but in the dream I don't have the option to decide... they send me up there and do it whether I say yes or no... and I relive the entire thing again and again in these dreams....

and to some of you I might sound like a chicken or a wuss or what the fuck ever... but I'm telling you... I never want to have that feeling ever again... I would rather die of a heart attack then go back and have that done to me again....

again not that that's going to happen... but for the last few weeks its happened most everynight when I go to bed...

so again why do I stay up so late at night?

well besides preferring the night time... I don't want to have to deal with that in my dreams, in my head or in my reality ever again...

wow... a post about something real... sorry y'all but it's all Jamie's fault he started it...

;)