When You Find Yourself Helpless In Her Arms...

So here I sit... in my bed... too annoyed still to go to sleep...

It's been a really weird and strange fucking day for me... moreso internally I suppose...

Though it reached it's peak of 'really fucking annoying' when I was looking for a pair of pants that I wore that had my license in the pocket... ok so I don't have the tidiest of houses most can attest too that... however... I know where I take my clothes off and where they end up in the long run... generally they come off in the living room and they end up in the bedroom at the end of the day...

The pants weren't in either place... so the search widened. We knew that the pants came off due to the fact that the bottoms of them were soaked... so ok could have been hung up in the bathroom... nope. Front hallway with the coats...nope. We (the Man and I) searched everywhere... then he searched everywhere again as he saw the blood pressure going up with the rise of the temper... went through in our heads outloud too each other each room and everywhere we looked... until I finally said "Only place we haven't checked is the play room and the kids bedroom but seriously why the fuck would my pants be in either of those two rooms..."

So the man grabbed the laptop for me so I could fall asleep to Family Guy as I've been doing the last couple of weeks... So I went upstairs and sure as shit there's my pants in the middle of their bedroom floor with my license partially sticking out of my pocket...

For the last hour I've been sitting here while doing other stuff mumbling "wtf were they doing up there?"

On top of that... as told by someone today that they aren't even sure they know what love is let alone feel it toward anyone... and I've been baffled about that for actually a couple of days... and been trying too figure out how that's even possible... what could have happened or why would someone end up that way... or feel that way... you know all the psych stuff starts popping up into my brain and making me want to ask a whole lot of questions...

So if there's anyone who wants to know what love is... Here You Go. Pretty much he sings how women want to be loved. I consider one of myself the lucky ones who found it... twice now. Talking about twice... Here You Go Again. You can thank Bryan Adams for making women believe that men feel like they do about love.

I have nothing left in me tonight... I need to meet with Brian and Stewie now so they can make me smile before I go to sleep...

Let the one you hold be the one you want...

we can speak honestly

Whispers shared

'tween bent heads

echo still in time.

Carry us to beds

separate

yet aligned.

Lover, what soft whispers said

between us

can fill this empty space?

Yet no words need

at all be uttered.

No words need be said.

And trapped there in our near mouths defences crumble down

until there is but only us.

We have no need of sound.

The rushing river of our blood

will drown out any woe.

And pulse, like thunder in our veins,

rages for what we know

will be the ultimate joining.

Fin

I Was Like You Once...

I feel horrible...

I haven't picked up my drum and seriously played it since like the end of August ... I've wanted too... but it seems like every time I go to I end up side tracked or something comes up or the phone rings or something...

There's four of them living in the temple and I'm quite sure that they're probably not very happy with me at the moment...

I need to find some me time and just lock myself in the temple and get some drumming done... maybe if I'm still feeling confused and all mish mashed in my head I'll go and do that tomorrow after I get up...

It usually helps me think and figure stuff out... even if it's just letting me forget about stuff I need to think about for awhile...

but for now... I need to go to bed and slip away into my dreams for a few hours...

I Want Your Leather-Studded Kiss In The Sand

You ever witness two people typing madly for what seems like forever in a silent room and then suddenly set aside their laptop and keyboard... look at each other intently and then suddenly meet in the middle of a room and start kissing passionately? ...

Yeah... me either... but I picture that's what geek sex would look like... two people in the same room for like hours typing away and then they suddenly get up and start making out in the middle of the room... I really would love to see that actually.... *laughs*

So here I sit going over wedding invitation stationary... it's a pretty celtic knot work pattern... with a cute little knot work heart at the top... very simple but then again very me... looks simple but inside is actually really complicated...

and in the next tab over I'm looking at this beautiful piece of oceanfront property just out side of San Diego... that is only a few hundred thousand dollars... I think it would be perfect for a nice winter home...

All the while picturing geek love...

Yep I know I'm weird... odd... and strange... I've been informed of this several times already by an anonymous source that shall remain so... ;)

Long weekend... once it's over I'll let you know how it went and what happened... along with an up date about my crazy family post funeral shenanigans... oy vey I tell you...

fun times...

on a lighter note... my parcel made it to the city of destination just waiting for it to get picked up according to the tracking site... and Happy Valentine's Day to all who wish it... I was tickled pink when I received a text from Papi wishing me a happy Valentine's Day and reminded me about how much he loves me... :-* te amo...

I Know You Want Me...

It's a day late but the Man found the perfect Valentine's day card for me to give out... really only to him and to Papi... but you know...there might be one or two others not so permanent ones who might like it ;)

*laughs*

I do love me some Kirby...

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Tell you more about the weekend another day... lots of stuff.

Pardon My Tits...

Today was the calm before the storm...

Sunday... the day of rest and relaxation...

My week is going to be a whirlwind of activity between class and company coming (two different sets), Lions function, a memorial/funeral service... it's going to be non-stop... I don't mind overly I suppose... like I've been told keeping busy is the best distraction... keeping busy keeps you from thinking... makes the time pass quicker...

I dunno if I want it to keep going by quickly...If anyone had asked back in September if I wanted the time to go by quickly I would have laughed and nodded my head saying "Yes! Yes I do."

Now? ... not so much... there's no big picture any more... there's nothing waiting for me at the end of the summer... there's no big plans that are in motion... now there's just more time...

time... a heaven sent and a thing of the devil all rolled into one... I used to consider myself quite forgettable and so I thought time would just erase me from peoples memories... that if I saw them they would squint and slowly shake their head as they hmm'd and said "I don't quite recall"

I've been proven wrong by a couple of people... but then again I've been proven right as well with those thoughts... ahh well...

what did I spend my ample amount of time doing today?

I started making a corset... and I watched the entire second season of Dexter... I love that show.

I just heard about it like last Tuesday... so I got my hands on the first four seasons and have been watching them... and today was a Dexter marathon... my laptop was turned into a tiny glorified tv and it went with me all over... and kept me company while I was sewing...

I love that my family understands that sometimes Mum just needs to lay about and do her own thing sometimes... as long as I kept them fed they are happy campers... so that's what I did... threw on a mens under shirt (waaay comfy) and a pair of comfy olive drab jogging pants... threw my hair up in a sloppy pony tail and laid around on the couch....

I did that today so that I could go into this week feeling relaxed and ready to face the coming storm this week...

Tomorrow I have a meeting, a road trip, need to clean my room, and pick up my aunts... Tuesday continue cleaning, teach class and my aunt will be here... Wednesday... memorial/funeral and deal with familial shite... Thursday clean up and take aunt home... Friday guests from DC arrive, go to a mardi gras party... they'll be here with us until that Monday... so yes the calm before the whirlwind of fantastic-ness...some good some bad... in and amongst that I'll take the time to breathe, smile and send a text or two...

It's been good reconnecting with a couple of people that I would never have expected to reconnect with... hope nothing happens to fuck it all up...

So now I'll lay down... start season 3 episode 1 of Dexter... dream of California dreams... and think about how experts are trying to pass off that eating is a contributing factor to weight gain... yeah like anyone will ever believe that... fucking quacks... pashaw...

Share My Inner Most Thoughts... Know My Intimate Details

Trials and tribulations...

no one said it would be easy...

least of all us...

it'll take patience...

trust...

most of all communication...

no one promised it to be smooth sailing...

hell...

have to work for what you want...

have to wish...

pray...

hope...

have faith...

no one said it would be a walk in the park...

piece of cake...

or slice of pie...

there would be dark times...

there will be dark times...

not everything is rainbows butterflies and lollipops....

there will be hard work...

long nights...

shadowed thoughts...

doubts...

darkness is easy...

light isn't...

love isn't...

trust isn't...

there will be issues...

subscriptions...

crying...

misunderstandings...

love...

feelings...

helplessness...

there will be misdirected anger...

unconditional love...

No one ever said that the future was going to be handed to us... how would we be tested and be proud of ourselves in the end if it all came so easy...

no giving up...

no giving in...

the darkness is easy... cozy... lonely...

I told a friend tonight that I just wanted to go to sleep until the end came... until you were you and you loved me again... like you did before... like you will again...

sleep is what I want right now...

to sleep the deepest of sleeps...

without vivid dreams of being together...

without the hope of someday soon...

to just sleep it all away...

Sleep eludes me... it sneaks away from me... it leaves me to sit in the dark...

making pacts with the lightless...

to dream waking dreams...

to over think...

and over analyze...

to discourage...

I am numb...

I am over emotional...

I am empty...

I am full...

I'm a conundrum...

an enigma...

a puzzle...

a woman.

I am everything... and I am nothing.