What Was I Thinking...?

How am I feeling today...?

Scared to death.

Yep that's the long and the short of it... well technically it's not the long... that's the short of it... I'm about to get into the long of it.

So only three people know about what's about to happen... the first because he lives with me, the second because he told me about it in the first place and therefore has signed on to be a part of my support system to get through this, right Roo? :P... and the third my sister... because even though she can be judgemental at times she's still super supportive of me...

Roo and I were talking one night and he was telling me about this course he had signed up for and how he had to work on his homework and so forth... I told him how that was cool... and the conversation kind of went from there where he sent me a link to the place he had signed up at... lo and behold next thing I know I'm signing up for this Social Psychology course offered through Wesleyan University... looking through the other courses listed I find a 12 week long course through Duke University, Introductory Human Physiology... the psych one is a 6 week course...

I've been really excited at the prospect of taking these courses... especially the Physiology one because of all the time I've spent discussing the human body with Dr Awesome...who is a Physiologist... helpful.

So last night while I'm sitting here I get an email saying that the Physiology course is open over a week early...whoo!, right?... I was sitting here watching the welcome lectures and started getting probably more nervous then scared...but still a scary prospect trying to go back  to some sort of schooling so late in the game...yep...I'm old.

The Man is very supportive ... of course... he's my Rory :)
He's even looking into a couple courses he might be interested in for the end of summer.

So yeah a bit nervous... ok... a lot nervous...

I don't like failing anything...

Kinda how I'm feeling about this venture

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow...Oh Yeah I Went There.

I've been thinking about and putting this post off for weeks now...

I've had the opinion of if I don't talk about it then maybe just maybe it won't affect me...I only fool myself for so long when I do that... and then it'll finally get to the point where I can't sleep and my depression will start to take over again... and it has started to... I've not wanted to go anywhere or really socialize with people... and generally when I start sliding down the slope of depression everything just seems to snowball... right now it's this and money that started it...and it just makes me think about all sorts of things that I should just forget about completely...


I've sort of gotten to the point where I just want to say Fuck San Francisco.
I've been there it's beautiful it smells like the ocean that I've always wanted to see and has the weather that I tend to like, and runs on the natural rhythms of  my inner clock... so you would think that would make me love San Fran... but nope.

Burton is leaving. She and The Nerd are moving. They're moving to California...now I already have mixed emotions to start with for California but now...

Anyway...

They're moving to Palo Alto (just south of San Fran), from what I've gathered from her she's excited and yet really sad that she is having to move to the other side of another country (yeah...see what I did there Bing...)
I am really really sad that she's moving. I feel as though that once she moves I'll never see her again.

I know that she says she'll be back for visits and that but... I know what tends to happen in those sorts of circumstances. Especially people who have lots of friends like she does. I know because it happened with Squasha.

They come home to visit...they're tired from the time zone jumping....then family gets first visits (as they should)...then they try to make the rounds of taking care of any business that needs to be done while home...and then they make the rounds of those they have time to see who can work around their schedules...

The last 3 maybe 4 times that Squasha has made his way back here I've not seen him unfortunately... I've gotten used to it now, but I do miss him. Even the really quick visits of getting to talk with him in a bar over a couple of drinks.

Burton has a huge social circle... actually no... she has a lot of small social circles that have a lot of friends in them... which to me is awesome... I don't have that never known how she manages to keep up with all of us to tell you the truth... I do get a bit envious at times because I"d like to know how she does it... but anyway...

So I get really sad at times when I think of her leaving...

They leave I believe it's October now... as in just a few months away... which I suppose is good... don't draw it out... but kind of bad...it's really soon...

And of course in that time there will be at least one or two trips back to Cali to find themselves an apartment and getting settled with things there...

I just feel like I'll be doing with her over the next few months what I did with Bing for that few weeks last year...

Ya got two people who love each other who have to say good bye to each other... (obviously not exactly the same but you know...)

I can sit and hope that she'll hate it out there... but to tell you the truth... I really think she's going to love it.

So to me this is saying good bye to another person who is really dear to me... but all I can hope is that it turns out for her like it has with the others...

Squasha is happy, has a wife and a beautiful son and lives in Europe and still gets to play hockey ;)
Bing is happy with April and their combined kids, living in the beautiful desert.

All I can hope is that Burton and The Nerd love it in Cali together (since I already know how much The Nerd loves it out there) and that maybe...just maybe... after I find my way out of this hole that I'm in I can go and visit.

Hopefully by then the airport won't give me mind numbing anxiety/panic attacks any more.

I really heart my derby wife... and I really don't want her to go... :(

Bloody Hell...

I fucking hate money.

Yeah it's me again complaining about money...

Just got the forms in the mail saying "Hi this is your friendly neighbourhood overlords...err...government... it's time for you to renew your plates and your licence...aaaaaand if you act now (before Sept 1st) you'll get it at  this rate rather then the ass raping rate it'll be after that date...kthxbi!"

So here I sit at the moment trying to figure out how I can come up with $239 before September 1st...and still go to Red Spiral in August...and be able to feed everyone in the household...and still pay for derby...

*sighs*

We seriously need to get the fuck out of this house... these bills are eating us alive...no one's bills are as high as mine...no ones. Just looks like we're never getting out...mainly...because of money. *sigh*

And it's not just the bills... it's the wet stinky unusable basement...the mice that keep coming back every year because of the whole in the foundation... strange moth type bugs that don't ever seem to go away no matter how many times I clean the cupboards...not to mention the uncontrollable yard...

fuck life man... fuck it right in it's face...

Looks like I'm seriously fucked at the moment.

but hey...look!...it's me from happier days...
Oh ComicCon...I miss you.

Some Pics...Some Excuses...

I've been sitting here thinking that I really need to get to that post about Ottawa Comic Con and meanwhile other things have come and gone...such as Niagara Falls Comic Con, which of course also means Roo's visit, a couple of derby bouts, how I'm feeling about shit that's been going on, how I don't know how long I'll actually stay in derby, knitting as a stabilizer and the fact that today I feel like a bag of smashed assholes...

So until I can actually get enough battery power and enough patience and wherewithal to post again...