The Longest Night

I understand that with my particular and peculiar skill set that I'm seen as weird or crazy, I've come to accept that.

I'm highly intuitive, empathic and highly sensitive to the things that people can't see or understand.

This all gets kicked up a notch from October to December.
That's when The Dark Time is...the longest night...so to speak.
The veil between the world and that of the after life thins, messages come from our ancestors and loved ones beyond. This is also the time when those close to their own end will step through the veil.
Also when those of us sensitive to it ride the line between the two and get the messages intended for others.

So often when this time is upon us I withdraw a bit because of the noise around me. This year it seems messages are coming in a bit early...and man is the sender trying their hardest to a message across.

I just don't know what to do when the person who is supposed to be getting it is ignoring the messages.

Some spooky shit has been happening already and it's just coming onto October now, not looking forward to the next month or so.

I don't like when the messages are for me and I can't do anything about them. Going to need to start blocking that shit out.

Saved My Life...Twice.

I started this post a few weeks ago...probably a couple months ago now since it's nearly October...and I didn't have it in me to share it with anyone... I'm not sure why I am now... but I need to put it out there.


For awhile a lit bit ago... I was very seriously depressed and locked within my own head... it was very hard for me to deal with it.

I went to work...went to derby...went to the gym...went to bed... that is how my schedule has been for the last few weeks.

I have a job that takes very little brain power...so for an extreme over thinker such as myself it left my brain free to think about everything and over think everything as well.

I try very very hard to hide my depression when I'm in the midst of a spell of it like that.
I don't want for my friends and especially my family to see how dark my thoughts can be.
The idea of them knowing scares me a bit...what if they reject me because of those thoughts...or even worse try to have me committed because of them.

I joke around with some of my friends by saying stuff like 'I need adult supervision...' when doing something as easy as putting on sunblock.

A couple of weeks back I went to the beach twice with Sugarbear (...I really do need a new nickname for him...and soon...) in the span of a week. The first time a blanket was brought and some refreshments and we stayed for awhile...
I swam out and just kept swimming until I looked back at one point and everyone seemed small on the beach...Sugarbear was laying on the blanket. I turned and swam out further and was accompanied with the thought of...if I drown out here there would be no mess to clean up...if I just keep swimming eventually I wouldn't be able to continue...
I turned back and saw SB on the blanket and he was laying with his face turned toward the water...and even if he wasn't looking at me at the time it looked like he was...and I felt a bit guilty, I swam back in...and shortly after that we left.
Ended up having a nice dinner and a nice evening together...but in the back of my mind I knew...I knew that I had wanted to keep swimming and not come back earlier.

The second time I had sent SB a text earlier in the day suggesting we go take a dip in the lake after work. When he didn't answer me by the time after work rolled around I showed up at his place to ask him.

We went...not sure he really wanted to...but I'm glad he came...even though he didn't stay in long...and made it seem like he wanted to leave... I got to have a nice swim...but the urge to swim out in the rough water that day was really strong again...

I had thought several times and contemplated on a couple of occasions about harming myself or committing suicide.

I didn't say anything to anyone. Still technically only told two people.
When I have some people in my life whose response to stories of people taking there own lives is a good riddance type of feeling, it's  hard to work up the nerve to say anything.

The thoughts have gone again and I'm feeling much better again.

However I am quite certain that Sugarbear saved my life twice...

Happy? Birthday...

So I had a birthday on Tuesday... I'm 37 now.

I had the worst birthday.

Not because everything went wrong...it was just that nothing felt right.

It started the night before where everything just sort of felt weird with SB and I. To the point where I just ended up leaving and going home after he fell asleep.

I woke up and saw that SB wished me a public happy birthday  (which surprised me a bit) and went to the gym like usual with Pinky. Where I got an 'Oh it's today? Well happy birthday.' Between reps on the delts machine.

I told The Man that I wanted to go out for breakfast...had to buy my own of course...and then I went to the bank where on the way he yelled at me because he had a commitment and 'needed' to get to his volunteer thing.

Dropped him off.

And proceeded to spend the rest of my day alone. Where not one but two of my close inner circle of friends totally forgot it was my birthday.

Facebook is great but I have it set up to not show my birthday on purpose. People are sheep. The only reason half the people wished me a happy birthday was because they saw others doing on FB.

I watched the newest Doctor Who to get away from the fakeness that is facebook.

I had sent SB a message at 7:30ish in the morning letting him know that in 12 hours I wanted to kidnap him and do something but that I would have him back by bedtime.

So just before 4 I pick up The Man and head to a doctor's appointment with Dr Awesome. I sat in his waiting room listening to his extremely negative receptionist for an hour...my appointment was at four. I told her to reschedule me because I had other places to be.

Left and went and bought some groceries...whoo can't stop the fun now.

Went to the arena to the Freshmeat practice as I have signed up to be a Guest Trainer and I still needed to collect some more paperwork and registration fees.

I ended up leaving later than I wanted to...raced to the house dropped The Man off out front and raced over to SBs house.

Where I got a really cold reception. Add to that the silent treatment when I asked at 8 if I could still kidnap him for about an hour.

I can't eat cake...regular cake...gluten free...sugar free...ice cream...I can't  (am not suppose to) eat cake. So I don't get a candle on a cake to blow out to make a wish.
So this year I wanted to light a lantern at the  beach and make a wish as it flew off.
Maybe cheesy but that's what I wanted.

I also couldn't bear the thought of doing that all alone when I was already feeling alone. So with tears in my eyes I went back into the house and asked SB to please come with me.

He did. Begrudgingly, but he did. The beach was beautiful  (smelly...but beautiful)...
Didn't stay long, had promised to get him back for bed...

Had to stop to get something to eat...hadn't eaten since breakfast.
So my birthday dinner at 8:30ish at night was a Tuscan Chicken Panini from Tim Hortons...woohoo fine dining at it's best.

Scarfed it down...and then went and got into bed with SB.

I knew he was tired...I figured he didn't nap like I had suggested in my morning text...didn't look like he ate...but still...no excuse for what happened next...

I asked for a cuddle before sleep... (now...a cuddle is a cuddle... if I wanted sex I would have out and out said fuck me it's my fucking birthday... but I asked for a cuddle...) Not only did I not get even the slightest of fucking hugs...I got out and out berated because he needs 8 hours of sleep to function and has to go to work and doesn't get to just laze around...

This would be where I rolled over and just quietly cried myself to sleep and wished my birthday had never happened feeling isolated and so very alone, not mention uncared for and unwanted.

I understand that to some people their birthday is just another day of the year... I get that. I like to think of mine as a special day just for me...to do what I want with whom I wish. It's  a day just for me. Where I get doted on a bit because I've survived another year of my constant struggle with my own issues and decided to keep myself around for another year. A day where my friends and family wish me more than just a 'great day'.

I spend every other day of the year doing things for others and hoping that in some way I have been a good thing in their lives and brought them some happiness. I don't think it's selfish of me to want one day where people do nice things for me.

I don't even care about getting presents or anything... I dunno.
Maybe my expectations of others are too high.

I just thought those in my life that I love and love me would have done more than just pay lip service to me on my birthday. Or at least would have remembered it was my birthday.

A Weekend Of Firsts...

I am so zen right now I didn't even notice a mosquito biting my forehead.

My calm has been repairing itself for the last two days now.

Friday Sugarbear and I left to come to Manitoulin Island...after possible threats to my job and having #DD not exactly happy about my taking Friday and the holiday Monday off work. But... I just needed to get away to a nature place to repair myself a bit.

It's been amazing.. I don't know how to thank Sugarbear for having me along. He isn't feeling well still but we made the trek here... Oh yeah I am right now sitting in a hunting blind (way up in the air) just listening to the wind in the trees and all the bitty bugs buzzing around, watching all these trees just waving about lazily in the breeze...birds chirp every so often...but what I can't hear is...a sorting machine clanking away, video games, animals scratching at cages, dog nails ticking across the floor, cats yowling, women bickering, traffic on the highway...and it's so fucking fantastic that I can't even think of a better word.

Friday evening we got here about 7:30ish... We stopped at The French River Trading Post (which if we go by there again I'm gonna have to stop...there's a beautiful shawl/poncho there that I want really badly). We stopped so I could see the Big Nickel in Sudbury. Made a couple pee stops for me...

Don't think Sugarbear had realized prior to this trip that I have actually never been this far north before.

He seemed surprised when he found out.

Camp is nice, I like the concept. One common building with bathroom and kitchen facilities and then everyone has their own tent or trailer to sleep in, reminds me of the old scout camps that way a bit.

SB and I are staying in his sisters trailer. I had brought Pinkys kammock setup so I could go out on my own in the woods but never did get around to setting it up. What can I say...I don't mind being all cramped up in a bed with Sugarbear.

I've met a couple more family members while here...an auntie and a couple uncles, the other brother and a nephew. Everyone has been real nice and friendly.

Went out yesterday to Silver Water Lake...the one closest to camp...then went down to Meldrum Bay to see the Mississagi Lighthouse. Got to dance around a bit on some big rocks on the shore of Lake Huron... Now if I were keeping track which I have started to now...I grew up and have been in Lake Erie, I now live by and have been in Lake Ontario, when I was really little I went with my grandpa out west and we took a ferry over Lake Michigan and if I remember correctly dipped my feet in it...and now have had my feet in Lake Huron...I'm just missing Lake Superior from my Great Lakes bucket list.

Sugarbear seems slightly surprised when I tell him things like how being out at the lighthouse on the rocks with the waves of Huron lapping at the rocks was fucking amazing...how it was so serene sitting on a camp chair next to Silver Water Lake...how even I was impressed at the sheer numbers of trees here...

He even took a piece of rock and wrote out my name on the rocks...

SB and his nephew took me to the dump last night...I was so excited...I was going to get to see bears......and then we got there...no bears to be seen... And we waited...and waited...they had been telling me stories about the bears that had been there and how they're always there...and then...nada.

Same with the deer situation...there's always deer around the island especially at dusk...we saw one...and I didn't get to my camera fast enough to catch a pic of her.

On Friday we saw a porcupine in the middle of the road not even giving a fuck about anything...he was adorable.

I've found a few dimes on our travels...more than I've actually given to SB but I have given him 3 that I've found...they have significance to him......

I just don't know what she's trying to convey to him message wise. He won't talk about it...am I the only one that seems to find them around him...or do other people or other women...?

Meh... I don't ask him these sorts of things any more. I figure if he ever wants to share with me in his own time...then he doesn't have to think of a lie on the spot.

Does make me wonder if he lies to the other women he talks to and meets as well or if I'm the only special one that way...lol

Anyway... I just quit asking questions that might provoke a feeling for fear that he'll lash out...

But back to the here...so...it's Sunday and it's almost one in the afternoon...and I'm in a deer hunting blind trying to figure out what kind of bird is making this weird noise by me... And doubting at this time of the day that I'll see any wild life...

I just sort of wandered off while SB and his nephew are doing some work on the camp building.

And now I pick this post back up and it's Wednesday and I have so much more to say...

Sunday I got down out of the deer blind and moseyed back to camp to find that the guys were almost done the work on the ceiling... I told the nephew about my journey out back and into the blind...he seemed surprised, then SB comes back in and asks about my goings on and I told him about my journey out back to the deer blind and he seemed surprised as well...

So... it seems no one has been up in it in years and they weren't sure if it was too safe any more...I can't help but chuckle...leave it to me.

There were a couple spots where the wood was a bit soft but I just didn't put a whole lot of weight down in those spots.

When the work was as complete as it was going to get we all jumped into the cars and headed down to the lake where I proceed to bathe with three men.

It was a weekend of many firsts for both Sugarbear and I...that was definitely one of them...the bathing with three men, not the bathing in a lake...

We ended up getting invited to go to dinner at an uncles place down the road and around the corner...made some awesome chicken wings...

Had a fairly laid back night...didn't have a fire like we had the night before...sort of did some knitting and then went into camp to see what the guys were doing... SB and nephew were still watching some nascar and other brother went to bed...
After a few minutes I grabbed a drink and headed back out.

Monday morning was pretty much wake up and pack up.

We hit the road by about 11 (if I remember correctly) and I was very quiet for the first bit of driving...I wasn't overly excited to be heading home already, it had been so relaxing and I had such a good time with SB that I kind of didn't want it to end yet.

He drove to a place called Bridal Veil Falls near Kagawong on Manitoulin Island...where we took some pics got a little damp and enjoyed the scenery.
It was so pretty just these two little falls tucked away...there were some other people there enjoying it as well.

We continued our journey, stopping in Sudbury for some food and then headed to The French River Trading Post again... I nearly had an anxiety attack... I had fallen in love with an alpaca poncho/shawl and it was so soft and so pretty...and then when we got back there, there was two... a dark blue one and a royal medium blue one (the one I saw the first time)...I have never spent so much on one article of clothing for myself before in my life.
As I swiped my debit card, my inside voice was screaming 'That's a ten hour shift at minimum wage!!' I just breathed through it and now own it.

Just before or after depending on which way you're travelling there is a sort of walking bridge that you can see from the one lane bridge by the trading post...

And now it's Friday...
Finally got pics put up on facebook - I whittled it down to about 108 photos... which is good normally I have hundreds of photos...

So back to what I had been saying... we stopped at a rest stop of sorts after the one lane bridge and went into the trails to find the one that lead to that bridge we could see...

I'm not used to someone being willing to make stops to check stuff out for me... when we walked out of the trading post I asked a bit sheepishly if we could go for a walk meaning look for that bridge... SB seemed quite willing to stop so that I could check it out...

It just seemed the very opposite of when I went to San Francisco...

We found the bridge after taking a different trail...but both ended up with a gorgeous view.

Our trek home was another of my favourite snippets of time...we talked. Quite a bit actually...From Bridal Falls to Barrie we just talked about all sorts of things... we don't tend to talk like that too often and it was just nice. Seemed like a really good getting to know you sort of conversations.
I loved it.

There's not too much about the trip that I didn't like...what I'm not exactly liking now is that the photos I've been trying to add to this post are giving me a bitch of a time and making me frustrated.
I'm also not liking not being able to just cuddle with SB whenever I want...lol

We did end the weekend on a fun note... and I don't know about Sugarbear but there has been a couple of times that I've reflected this past week and wished we were still away on our vacation...

However looking forward... I can't wait for our Dominican Republic trip this winter.

(I had a bunch of lovely pics that I was wanting to add to this post but that just wasn't happening they would be perfectly fine in their folder but as soon as I would go to upload them into the post they would get rotated a quarter of a turn and then once they are in the post there is no way to rotate them again so...instead... going to have to just give the link to the album that I put up on Facebook because I'm tired of fucking around with this stupid thing.)

I Hate Feeling So Weak.

I do not like to be seen as weak ...ever.

I struggle with accepting that my 'issues' are actually 'mental illness'. Depression and Anxiety...to be even more specific.

I don't just come right out and tell people that I have these issues. I have enough outward health issues that I don't want to scare people away.

I have a fucked up tendon in my thumb that goes into my wrist (that's the latest issue), respiratory issues with my lungs (obvi), of course my ongoing heart condition, my ankle which will start to bother me when I stand too long...

I try very hard to not complain about my aches pains bumps or bruises...and I definitely do not complain to people about my mental illness when it's flaring up and getting the better of me.

When the sneak up and become larger then my life seems to be I try very hard to get away from the hub bub of every day and recharge...generally somewhere quiet and when it gets really bad somewhere in nature.

Burton and I going to Red Spiral was a very good recharge for me when we would go to Egansville to Raven's Knoll.

The last couple of years though I've not had a chance to get away to do a recharge...it's really creeping up on me. I've had SBs place to get some quiet when I need...he and I have been to the beach a few times and being in the water helps...but it's not quite the same.

When my brain gets too loud...and life is too loud it makes me want to shut down. It makes me irritable, and angry at the littlest of things. Last week while the boys were gone things got much worse, having to deal with a bunch of derby stuff for the intake, the house with all the animals - and the messes that I was coming home to, the chaos that is working on the farm and a lack of sleep.

I have a support system that don't even know how much I depend on them to make sure I don't do stupid things. SB had saved me 3 times last month and he doesn't even realize it.

I broke down and told #DD about what had been going through my head...and I feel as though I shouldn't have done that. I had just gotten really close to the end of my rope and he's been there for me in the past.
I just know that he has so many other things and other stressors that he has to deal with.

I just need to get away and go sit in a bush for a couple of days...and for the first time I don't mean the slang term for a womans vagina.

I have so many other things to write about and post but I just don't have the time at the moment... I need to go to bed again so that I can go to work in a few hours.