I'll never be the same...if we ever meet again

Ever since I can remember I've written... whether it be thoughts, feelings, stories... I would get so consumed with the need that I would have to stop and just let it all out...

So needless to say I have a lot of notebooks laying around the house... I just came across one in my books that is 'Ancient' it's from that time before the Man... for those who don't know... I've been with the Man for 12 years...

So yeah, I came across this notebook and found a few passages written in it from what feels like a gazillion years ago... I've decided to share one of the passages from it...

If I think about it (my past) and I look at it from a guy's point of view, I'm used goods with two and a half fucktons of baggage.

People who don't know or understand or care about me, don't know what a fun ride they're missing.

If People Only Knew!

The way I cry for my babies, the way I scream at my rapists, the way I cry while listening to a really sad song, the way I feel like a part of me dies each time I cry, If only they knew; that I may be dying of cancer, that sometimes I secretly wish I were dead or never born, that when I'm angry I can kill, If they knew; all the people that I've hurt on purpose, or how I hurt myself on purpose, or how I used to be addicted to drugs and alcohol, or about how I had my innocence raped out of me by a drunk, how I had my dignity and pride raped away from me.
If they knew how I got brutally beaten for almost two years of my life, or how I've been repeatedly told all my life I wasn't good enough to eat shit - by the opposite sex. Or if they knew how the only thing I strive and long for is to be held by the man I truly love, or how I weep while thinking - yes just thinking.

Or if they knew how I wish I could just be me without someone asking me what's wrong.
If only they knew - Who I am?

How I love animals and music, or how I love babies and the colour blue, or that I love cuddling with people I love, and baggy jogging pants with fuzzy slippers, or how I love funny movies that make me cry and flowers.

Instead people know the girl that smokes too much, dyes her hair, drinks too much, belches in public, loves sex or the girl that threatens (out of fear), the girl that wears and loves silver jewelery and always wants more, a girl who is well endowed and flaunts it.
But they never see me.

All I want is someone who understand when I want to left alone, or need a hug or when I'm needing someone to talk to and don't know how to ask, or when I'm needing some loving.
However it seems I want too much...
So nobody will ever know - me.

What a Girl Needs..

It's very true...

Girls, Females, Women, Chicks, Gals... they love... romantic comedies, love letters, songs picked out because the lyrics mean something, romantic dinners/gestures...

we want the man of our dreams to fall for us so hard that they'll do 'silly' things that might embarrass them...

we want our men to dote on us... not necessarily with gifts... but with attention and love...

letters that reveal the very soul of the man... words that ring true about their feelings for us...

we want that surprise dinner that you made and lit with candles... whether it pizza or grilled lobster tails... that's not the point... it's the gesture... the effort...

we want the cuddles in the dark, with the whispers of how much we mean to you as we drift off to sleep...

we want the compliments... we'll wave them off.. but inside we're blushing and gushing like school girls...

we want to giggle with our girlfriends about how fantastic you are and listen to them go 'd'aww' as they realize what a great catch you are...

we want sappy text messages to our phones, or emails, or IM's, or our FB's...

we want to know that you think about us when we're not around...

we also want to know that we make you horny, that the thought of us naked in your arms gives you wood...

we are very literal creatures... even if we speak in code to you sometimes...

I've always thought of myself as low maintenance because I've never really been the type that expects a man to pay to get my hair done, get my nails done, I don't demand expensive meals...etc...

But apparently I'm higher maintenance then I had thought from what I've been told... because I ask for ... time.

I guess for some that is a bit much... easier to leave the little woman with the charge card and go off to wherever I suppose... I don't want the charge card... hate those things actually... but... I want a bit of time...

few moments of time to write an email to tell me that I'm loved... a couple seconds to call and say 'I was thinking about you'... a minute or two to let me know I was missed... an hour maybe to hang out...

maybe I am high maintenance... because I don't want the material shit that can be bought and thrown out... I want heart and soul and realism...

when I was 16 I would joke about finding a rich old guy with one foot in the grave do some nasty shit for a couple years with him and then have his money to buy whatever I wanted... my oh my... how life will have you changing your mind about things...

Man I gotta stop blogging after watching romantic comedies... maybe I should have watched Zombie Strippers with the Man tonight instead...

**late addition to list of wants**

We want a man that's willing to fight... fight off big bad guys for us... and fight for us... but not with us... *laughs*

The Rush Is Worth The Price I Pay... I Get So High When You're With Me... But Crash And Crave You When You Are Away

*still giggling*

so I had this interesting dream last night...

because of my natural affinity to music... ok my obsession with it... I end up hearing songs that any woman would want to know that their man would sing it to them or when they hear them think of their woman...

I have quite the list of songs like that.. maybe I'll put it up one day... but anyway... so last night's dream involved a musical number... which also makes me think I had been watching too much Glee lately...

So anyway... I of course being even still after more then a year am a bit in secure when it comes to Big Daddy, not nearly as much since our talk in Reno, but you know just a bit...

So in the dream I had gone to visit him and of course the old song and dance of a conversation comes up again... but rather then just talking he suddenly starts singing... a strange montage of songs...

Joe Cocker - Ain't No Sunshine

B.O.B - Nothin' On You

Bryan Adams - Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman

Yeah it was odd but really sweet at the same time... I couldn't help but wake up giggling lightly...

Certainly is a way to get any female to blush and get all warm and fuzzy feeling... sing to her or with her... even if it happens to be in the car... especially... then it's just the two of ya and no one else will hear...

unless you have a convertible... lol

Time Is On My Side.... Yes It Is.

I think it's safe to say that everyone has heard the term

"Inner clock" or 'biological clock' or something a bout a persons own timetable...

and how it's trainable or how it can be reset...

You know so a person will be able to get up at a certain time each day, eat dinner at a certain time each day blah blah blah...

Well even before all this infertility stuff I always knew there was something wrong with my bio-clock... I've never been able to 'set' or 'train' it so that I was on a regular schedule of some sort...

Until I realized that it is kind of on it's own schedule and that it's schedule just doesn't coincide with the one I wish for.

I've always gotten up... on my own without an alarm clock at around 11 or noon ... I've always gotten hungry at 8pm... and I've never really gotten tired until 3am...

As any who really care and read this know... I just recently went on a trip to Reno Nevada.

It wasn't until after that trip when I was talking to an aunt of mine that I realized... my biological clock seems to be set for the west coast timezone (PST)...

It was strange at first until I really thought about it... while in Reno I was waking up at about 9am... getting hungry about 5ish... and would be tired and willing to go to bed at about midnight (though I didn't really get to bed at midnight any of the nights there)...

So after coming to this realization I looked at my aunt a bit surprised and said "Am I living in the wrong timezone?" which of course she responded with 'probably' .... but it really made me think...

I mean as a child living on the other side of the country California seems exotic and cool and the place to be according to TV and movies... but I had always had a bigger draw to go south, not west... I'd always wanted to be able to visit Cali but had never really had the want to live there... that want always fell to Louisiana... don't ask I still don't know why but I'm sure I'll figure it out if I ever get to go visit...

So now I just sort of wonder... there are people that swear that they've been born and raised in the wrong century... is it possible that I was born and raised in the wrong time zone?

You'll never be able to fully fathom just how right you make my world.

It should scare you about as much as it scares me to know that you have so much control.

...

Happy Memorial Day weekend ... US peeps...