I'll never be the same...if we ever meet again

Ever since I can remember I've written... whether it be thoughts, feelings, stories... I would get so consumed with the need that I would have to stop and just let it all out...

So needless to say I have a lot of notebooks laying around the house... I just came across one in my books that is 'Ancient' it's from that time before the Man... for those who don't know... I've been with the Man for 12 years...

So yeah, I came across this notebook and found a few passages written in it from what feels like a gazillion years ago... I've decided to share one of the passages from it...

If I think about it (my past) and I look at it from a guy's point of view, I'm used goods with two and a half fucktons of baggage.

People who don't know or understand or care about me, don't know what a fun ride they're missing.

If People Only Knew!

The way I cry for my babies, the way I scream at my rapists, the way I cry while listening to a really sad song, the way I feel like a part of me dies each time I cry, If only they knew; that I may be dying of cancer, that sometimes I secretly wish I were dead or never born, that when I'm angry I can kill, If they knew; all the people that I've hurt on purpose, or how I hurt myself on purpose, or how I used to be addicted to drugs and alcohol, or about how I had my innocence raped out of me by a drunk, how I had my dignity and pride raped away from me.
If they knew how I got brutally beaten for almost two years of my life, or how I've been repeatedly told all my life I wasn't good enough to eat shit - by the opposite sex. Or if they knew how the only thing I strive and long for is to be held by the man I truly love, or how I weep while thinking - yes just thinking.

Or if they knew how I wish I could just be me without someone asking me what's wrong.
If only they knew - Who I am?

How I love animals and music, or how I love babies and the colour blue, or that I love cuddling with people I love, and baggy jogging pants with fuzzy slippers, or how I love funny movies that make me cry and flowers.

Instead people know the girl that smokes too much, dyes her hair, drinks too much, belches in public, loves sex or the girl that threatens (out of fear), the girl that wears and loves silver jewelery and always wants more, a girl who is well endowed and flaunts it.
But they never see me.

All I want is someone who understand when I want to left alone, or need a hug or when I'm needing someone to talk to and don't know how to ask, or when I'm needing some loving.
However it seems I want too much...
So nobody will ever know - me.