I don't retain visuals very well... if I didn't have pictures I wouldn't be able to remember what I've seen...
I could describe it using other senses... like if I was to describe the beach that I grew up at I know that the sand was always hot on my feet in the summer but when I would walk along the water line of the lake it would always be so nice and cool that it would make me smile... I could describe the pungent odour of the seaweed and dead fish that would wash up on the shore and rot there...
I could describe to you how I would close my eyes and look up at the sun and smile at the warmth upon my skin and the glowing red behind my eyelids... or even the smell of the fresh water and the cool breeze off the lake... or the cool water upon my skin and the shock that diving in off of the pier would give me... how it felt though for that moment my heart had stopped and my lungs collapsed... how bursting back up above the water line and inhaling deeply afterward would make me feel alive like nothing else...
in detail I could go on about how I always loved swimming under the water because the silence was near deafening and yet I couldn't get enough of it... how the love I have for that beach is what makes me want to live on an ocean or lakefront piece of property for the rest of my life and how I miss it...
However...
I can't really describe the the details of how it all looked... it's fuzzy... like if I try to picture it, it's like trying to watch a tv channel that's scrambled... I'm just not a very visual person...
it's generally why I have a camera in my hand... why I take so many pictures of things that people would quirk a brow at and wonder why that was so important... why I take pictures of my friends and my loved ones... I don't want to forget what they look like... I want to be able to recall the green flecks in their eyes and how they sparkle when the light touches them... how their smile makes me smile... I can't see that in my mind... I have to look at the pictures...
I instead remember in great detail how things made me feel... the emotion attached to it... the smells.. the tastes... but moreso how things feel to me and how they made me feel... I remember that sand on my feet... the feel of the cold water...I remember that stuff... which I think is sometimes worse...
Not remembering exactly how the smile was and how it made the dimple in their cheek... but remembering instead how it made my feel inside when that smile was just for me... when I was the only one that would get to see that smile...
Sure I can remember in great detail what someone was wearing when we first met... but not because I 'picture' it in my minds eye but because I remember the texture of the shirt beneath my hands when I hugged them or the roughness of the dark denim jeans when I would touch their knee in conversation...
Pictures are important to me... without them I forget where I've been and how beautiful it was... I forget what shade of hazel your eyes are... or how dark or light your hair was... I forget the brilliant colours in the curtains or how purple the chairs are...
Visuals fade for me... I have a feeling that's why I always thought as a small child I was going to go blind... I learned to adapt in our house by age 6 should I go blind the next day... I would walk around with my eyes shut or as I got older I would blindfold myself and find my way around the house... I love my vision and I hope never to lose it... but I don't think I'll ever be able to train my brain to remember pictures... and this makes me sad...
It probably seems like a really silly thing to be sad about but it does... when you don't get to see someone or something often enough and they fade from your visual memory you'll understand why it is that I get sad about such a silly thing... and why I take so many pictures.
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