I've not been a good place the last little while...call it whatever if you have to label it I just haven't been in a good place... I've been ignoring things I've been supposed to be doing, cancelling on meetings and stuff because I just don't feel like being there... giving one word or I should say very succinct answers to questions I've been asked about how I'm doing... I've been questioning the stuff I have been doing... as well as my own beliefs and my own faith... I know not many people put much stock in those last two anymore but... I did...
it's not like anything in my life has had this huge traumatic effect on my life and...
well actually... yeah I guess there has been... I just haven't really been sharing how much of an affect it had on me because even though it may seem my style to blurt out everything that's going on in my life and seek approval or acknowledgment or some such... I really am a fairly private person... but this... this I've been keeping just for me... and I think it's finally just left me feeling quite hollow...
I was told that a little while ago that even though I may have the need to seek out everyone's attention and their approval... I've never really seen it that way... it really hurt me to think that someone out there thought that's what I was doing. I have a blog so I can do some sort of writing, some sort of journaling and it used to be so people could keep up with what I was up to and how I was doing because they didn't get to talk to me much. I would post pictures on Facebook and other network sites sort of for the same reasons, so that family that lives far away and friends I didn't see too often could get a glimpse of what was going on in my life. So then I started thinking... well... maybe I'm just jamming my life down their throats and I guess if they want to see pictures of what they might be missing by not being here they'll ask to see them. Or they would call or skype or contact me in some way so they could do so... So I took 'em down... closed 'em up... I deleted nearly all of the 60 pics that I had accumulated in my profile pictures and locked up all of my photo albums on FB... and ya know... no one even noticed... so I guess I was right... if they cared enough to want to see them I guess they would ask.
By doing that though it's just made me realize what I guess I knew all along... no one really cares about what I might be doing... there's only one person who calls me to see how I'm doing... online there is only one person who will search me out and ask me what's up every few days... other then that it's all on me to do the reaching out and the touching... It was a big eye opener.
There's others I've asked how they're doing and what's new and I get the response of - well I up date my blog don't you read it...
Can't win I suppose.
Obviously the man has noticed that I've been in a funk... he told me today that it made him feel better that I rolled over to hug him while I was sleeping for the first time in over a month... yeah... made me feel like a piece of shit.
Got into some sort of weird fucking argument with Bing last week... why? because I have this aching ball of jealousy that makes me feel sick when I see certain things and a couple of other reasons, which I've been told time and time again is unfounded but it doesn't stop it from happening and then when I say something about it I feel like an even bigger piece of shit because I don't get much time with him and that of all things is what we end up "talking" about...
I understand you have to experience the lows in order to appreciate the highs but goddamn... I do appreciate the highs... I don't need lows like this to appreciate the highs.
So on top of all that today... I got woken up from a nap (yeah which I've been napping a lot lately and that's just not normal for me) by an earthquake, only to find out that we're in the midst of a warning for tornadoes later in the evening, have 4 episodes...I swear I was looking around the house for a partridge in a pear tree... because by God if I found it I was right fucking sure it was gonna shit on me...
yeah yeah... I hear you... whaa whaa whaa boo hoo hoo...
I'm really not asking for much... I'm really not... I'm asking for two things to happen by the end of this year... but then again one of the things I've been wishing praying and hoping for, for about 3 yrs... and the second for over a year now...
It's really starting to get on my nerves when I get told that I get everything I want. If that was the case... I'd have those two things I want so very badly.
I really don't know why these two stick with me... I'm such a shit.
"So please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
'Cause our time is short
This is, this is, this is our fate
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