Youll Catch Your Death In The Fog...

I'm so sore...

did a bunch of running around yesterday and on the way home was sitting at a stoplight waiting for the light to change... and then there was a bang... a truck hit us in the back end of my friends car...

now it was only a light bump but it was enough of a jar to my system that I'm now really sore today...

thankfully the boychild was fine... I swear kids are made out of boogers and rubber... and my friend who was driving was fine as well... and that makes me happy to know that they're both alright...

The man went with her this morning to take the boychild to his day camp... I was so thankful... especially since besides being in pain... I had been up til 6 in the morning... :)

I'm getting excited... I'm going back to my old stomping grounds this weekend... going to hang out with my Aunt and Uncle... I haven't done that in a long long time... so hoping we all have some fun...

meanwhile... the last four days or so I've been craving fish... which I find odd. Normally I don't like fish very much... and I take an omega 3 supplement that would cure almost any fish craving I swear... *shrugs* I dunno it's strange... normally I'm a growling and snarling carnivore looking for red meat... *chuckles*

Fear Is Not The End Of This!

So....

I have so much to say... all sorts of things I would love to have spew forth... so I could tell 'somebody'... but.. no.

Yeah I know that's why I started this blog in the first place was to spew all my shit... good and bad...

this is of the good variety... it makes me very squee...

I always feel a bit out of sorts when I'm really happy about something and then hear something that upsets me... I feel torn about whether I should be happy or whether I should be upset... especially when it's coming from the same person...

This past weekend was a great weekend for me... I got away a bit... concert... movies... picnic...

All in different cities but... it was good... it was a weekend of friends... some of which I was absolutely tickled pink to see...

What I noticed about myself this weekend was that depending on who I'm with depends on how I'm acting... I mean I'm myself but in just very different ways...

I guess we all do it see how the others are around us and act accordingly... I couldn't do on Saturday what I was doing on Sunday... may have totally weirded out the person I was with on Saturday...

if I was like I was on Friday with the people on Sunday they woulda wondered what happened and what was wrong with me...

as a person who finds people facsinating I like to sit back and analyze shit like that...

I started to wonder who all it was that got to see the real me I am when I'm just me... unguarded... no shit... no filters... None that I was with this past weekend has... except the man.

The man has seen into all the dark corners of my mind and still loves me... but I can't really afford for anyone else to get that close... not until I know they won't jump to conclusions or flip out...

Ain't About What's Waiting On The Other Side...

It's sort of funny how the littlest thing can put things into prospective...

Sitting here reading about how a friend has gotten yet another ticket and how of course this 5th or 6th can't possibly be his fault. I mean he was only driving the car right?

I have to shake my head at him because really after getting six tickets in the last two months, how can he possibly blame everything and everyone else for them. They all happened while he was driving the car. There's one common thread running through there and it would seem he is it. However, no matter how much he wonders 'why him?' he's never going to figure out it's because he hasn't changed his behaviour.

What's even funnier is that since he's decided to put it out there on his facebook, people have been commenting of course. We all know that we love to make comments about other peoples lives when they go ahead and put theirs out there. So he's gotten angry about the comments. *chuckles*

He's gotten upset enough to change his facebook status to how people are so judgemental and how dare those that are commenting comment about his situation when they weren't there.

Well really when you think about it, he secretly must want those comments...right? why else would he put himself out there like that? it couldn't possibly be because he was looking for some sympathy from his friends... could it?

I mean really now...

So it makes you wonder, we do we, the bloggers of the world, the status updaters of the world... why do we put our lives out there? even the small fraction of our lives that we choose to reveal. Why do we do it?

Do we secretly want others to make snide back handed degrading uneducated ignorant comments about us? Is it because we have this need to share with others?

Is it because secretly we want our lives to amount to more then they feel they do?

So many questions...

Maybe... just maybe... we're computer geeks who instead of keeping a diary under our pillows feel more comfortable typing posts to ourselves and whoever else may pop by to see if our lives are any more interesting then their own...

Anyway... there's my deep thought for the morning...

I have a doctor's appointment again today and as you can see if you're reading this I can't sleep... I think I can't sleep for two reasons... the statement above... and because I'm so excited because Bing is going to come for a visit... I love visits! (oh and of course Squasha is coming to Toronto, but unfortunately I'm not excited about that as I won't get to see him at all this time... again.)

So I've started and need to quit smoking again... it's making feel yucky.

I need to tidy up the spare room and straighten out my bedroom...

*sighs* I also was out weeding the garden the other evening... apparently that is not what my heart had in mind for a fun activity... I had an episode so bad that I nearly fell over in the garden... I made my way over to the picnic table... where I looked back toward the house and it seemed like 5 miles away... after a few moments of it not passing I found the will to make it to te back patio... where I slumped into my old computer chair... I tossed a couple of pebbles at the bay window hoping that someone would come out to wonder what was going on... the man did after the second pebble... took one look at me and went back in for my ice pack and brought me and small handful of freezies... it took almost 5 minutes before I could even feel the ice pack normally on my skin... it was not pleasant...

It didn't last long not like they used too but it hit me like a train... normally I feel it sneak up on me...

Anyway... enough of that... three hours til I'm supposed to get up for my doctors appointment... :-S

I Love, How, I Love Love...

You are a deep, sensitive dreamer.

You are usually laid back and calm, though, like an ocean, you can kick up a good storm, too!

You are probably a daydreamer, who has his/her head in the clouds. You love spending time with your friends, and probably just go with whatever they want to do (you're a go with the flow type of person, just like water!).

You are emotionally inclined - unlike reds, who feel passionately and intensely, you feel things deeply and strongly.

You are extremely loyal, and your friends can always count on you to be there for them.

Blues are almost always very intelligent, and they strive for perfection in many areas.

You may tend to beat yourself up for your imperfections. Other people admire you and strive to be like you, but you probably have a hard time understanding why.

You can be light and fun at times, and other times deep and introverted. It just depends on your mood.

Sometimes you throw people off with your random changes in disposition, but your friends love you anyways. You can be a very wise, intellectual person, but you have to pull yourself up out of your own thoughts first!

You, in a nutshell: Deep, emotional, wise, loyal, slightly moody, feeling, sensitive, supportive, intelligent. BLUE!

So I took some online quiz and this was the answer too it afterward... it was telling me what colour I am... and frankly after reading it I had to nod and say 'wow... that really does sound like me...'

Maybe a bit too much... but anyway... not why I came back to post... but just wanted to share...

While my movie is loading I figured I'd come back and talk a bit about what I was saying earlier...

So a friend of mine the other day in a drunken haze says to me... "If a handsome man, came to you and promised you the world... everything you've ever desired and told you that you'd never have to worry about anything ever again... would you leave Ry?" I without hesitation replied with... "No..."

She followed it up with same everything above and added onto it "and the only stipulation is you have to leave Ry... would you?"

and again without hesitation I said "No..."

She just looked at me through her beer goggles for a few moments and nodded... telling me that what Ry and I have is something very special...

I reminded her and told the story of how it hasn't always been story book perfect for the two of us...

So of course after telling her some of the stuff that happened, she asked me the real question that was on her pickled brain... "why would you want to mess with that?" of course I looked to her to elaborate a bit further... She knows that we're polyamorous... and that's what she had been asking about...

If the man and I are so good together then why would we 'mess' around with that...

This is where I proceeded to tell her that... no matter how much I love him and how wonderful we are together and how I could never live without him... there's something missing... there's still a part of me that is missing... and I know that there is someone else I'm to be with... I should say we're to be with... and not in that dirty naughty sexual way... though that would be fun too...

There have been a lot of people who know that I'm bi... and have been quite alright with it... frankly it's the whole... what happens in my bedroom stays there and is none of your concern when it comes to my family... but then I got to thinking if we end up having someone come and live with us would it be so easy to just tell them its none of their business... especially when we rely so much on them and them on us... and that's when I realized they'd have to deal with it...

I have found my missing piece... with finding it though there has been some obstacles and some learning of patience on my part... when I talk to them I feel whole... and I feel together and ... well it just feels right... and what's so great about it is the man knows, understands, and accepts it... he's willing to open our home to this person... and already likes them... has offered to help in whatever way possible to bring them here...

I didn't realize just what the affect this would have on me... I'm practically giddy when I get to talk to them... I've been having dreams of our family being all together and doing things together...

I know that when it happens there will be people who don't understand and in not understanding will be angry... or think differently of all of us... and we're prepared for that... but in my heart of hearts I hope that even if they don't understand that they won't turn their backs on us...

It's funny that I got into a conversation similar to this one again today... when a friend of mine asked me to explain how it's possible to love two people... I asked him to explain how you love one... *chuckles* he believes that you can only have one soulmate, and can only be fated to love one person... I say bollocks... how about all those people out there that after their spouse dies they get remarried... what happens if you happen to find the two people you are to fall in love with in the same life time... it's really not so odd...

I'm in love with two people... have been for awhile... it's not even the first time it's happen... but it's the first time that I feel as I do about them... I could never live without the man in my life... and he knows just how much and how deeply I love him... he also knows that this love feels as if it will end up being the same that I have with him over time...

When you've gone so long thinking that you'll never find that missing piece to fill the void that you can feel all the way to your soul... it... it just... yeah I can't even describe the feeling I get... the highs are high... but the lows are so dreadfully low... when you've felt whole... and then watched and felt it start to slip away... it hurts like hell... the ache starts to become unbearable... the feeling of dread won't subside... until doubt and worry start to cloud everything... it feels like drowning... and it takes everything to just stay above the water line... but the highs of it all make those dark moments almost bearable... hearing their voice... getting a message or a word...

Te amo ... <3

Now Holidays Come And Then They Go

Happy 4th kids... well that's to any and all Americans who happen to read my drivel...

One of my favourite trick questions is 'Do they have 4th of July in England?'

I'm supposed to be outside tidying up the yard right now... or in here tidying up the living room... see how much I've gotten accomplished... I rolled out of bed finally after getting a phone call at like 1:30 this afternoon... I came out to find the boys (all three of them) watching Star Wars... the fish tank light was off and Jasper was peeping at me... which means that the fish and bird hadn't been fed yet... all the males were just lounging around on the couches staring at the tv... *shakes head* and people wonder why we don't have television services...

So of course big bad mom had to tell them to get the fuck up and do the shit they're supposed to be doing... and ask why I didn't get woken up... that's a huge fault of mine... when I get to sleep I never want to wake up... I need to be woken up...

So now I'm cooking a huge ham in the oven... it's smelling wonderful... hopefully it'll be ready in time for dinner... seriously it's the size of the boychild... so after dinner we're all heading down to my old stomping grounds... down to Fort Erie... the friendship festival has been going on down there... tonight is one of the last concerts... I'm not expecting anything spectacular... but... yeah...

So we're having some friends over for a barbeque tomorrow... I'm hoping the weather co-operates... and I'm hoping that everyone is able to make it... not like I invited a whole bunch of people... but yeah...

I'm excited... next weekend is the PigRoast that we go to every year out in Chatham at my cousins place (well actually 2nd cousin but ya know... it's all family)... anyway... we head out there with tents and musical instruments... we all bring something to share food wise... there's at least 100 people there each year... and at least half of those are family... looks like my Ma won't be going this year... so we'll be going up with just the five of us... wish it was six... but... I'm trying not to dwell on that...

Anyway... tonnes o' fun coming our way this month... we're also hoping to go camping the last weekend of the month... whether it's with friends or without... I was gonna talk to Ma and see what's what... see if she's going any where or what not...

I know the tall ships and Canal Days down in Port Colborne are coming up as well... talked to Krammit about using her house and maybe just chilling down there... she'll be at a lacrosse tourny...

Also have to deal with the fact that both the kids have week long summer camps coming up... on different weeks... and yeah... I have to figure out how to get them there... that's always nice...

my ham is smelling absolutely wonderful... just thought I'd add that in there...

I have more to say... but I might wait til later to bring it up... it's about a conversation I had with a friend of mine about... well... about... yeah it was a weird conversation - talked about loneliness and togetherness... and the most basic urges of people... and love...

always talking about love...

I can't help it... I love love... and how it effects and affects people... I'm a student of the people... *laughs*

probably why I am so drawn to Psychology Courses...

Oh which brings me to another conversation I had recently... talking with another psychology student and PSW... about opening up an office of counsellors... interesting stuff...

Need to check on a few things outside...

wow... it's feckin' hot out there today...

so I'll tidy up outside a little later when the sun has dipped down a bit...

Anyway... I'll write again later about some more deep-ish stuff...

I Know That You've Got Something Buried...

So... here I sit... Canada Day has just finished... what an interesting day it's been...

I was laying in bed sleeping this morning... and the phone kept ringing... so I finally got up and answered it and found out that my sister was going to check out the free buffet that the Mandarin was putting on for Canada Day... so she was thinking she'd come pick me and the boychild up and go to the one here in the city...

So we head over there just after noon... the line was literally around the plaza where the restaurant is... we weren't that hungry that we were going to wait over three hours for food... so she took us to the North China Buffet and bought us some lunch...

Made a couple of other stops before going to get the man from work and heading into Niagara Falls... decided to on a whim go check the line up at the Mandarin there to see if it was just as bad... (four hours after checking the on in St Catharines)... it wasn't quite as long but was still pretty bad... and of course... took pics of it...





Ended up at my mom's place and had a nice dinner there with the fam... came home to a phone call from a friend of mine who decided to tell me about his day and how it went...

After that I decided to sit down and do up a post since I hadn't in a little while...

not that anyone really reads it anymore but I guess I can start using it as an outlet again for all the stuff I'd like to say but don't want to bother people with...

I've generally been a very private person... except for here... and after the last couple of times it takes me awhile to really open up to people... and I think I've done it again... made the mistake of opening up and allowing myself to get hurt... I can't say for sure as they haven't come right out and said it... but then again they haven't really come right out and said anything to me lately...

I know that I can be impatient... and I know that I can be a bit ... whatever...

but anyway... yeah... I'm just not in a good head space at the moment... so... I think I'm just gonna withdraw and wait... wait for them... I've been feeling exposed and out there and I'm not comfortable with it now... because I start thinking weird shit... like 'oh god did I say too much'... 'did I do something stupid'... 'did I push too far'...
when you've found a good thing you try to hang on to it... you try to do anything to keep it... you do whatever you humanly can...
at least that's what I've always thought... but now... I'm thinking that I should just stop...it's obvious that I was wrong about this... that i shouldn't have started any of this... I should've known it wouldn't go in my favour... it's just my luck...

I was just hoping for once... that just maybe... it would...

*sighs*

I know that anyone who actually reads this isn't going to know wtf I'm talking about... but that's only because I've kept this to myself... and told them all my fears and hopes and all that other shit... *sighs*
like I said... I should have just kept it to myself...

So I've turned off my messengers... I've actually closed my email... I've logged off the Mu*... and now... I just try to forget... hard when there's a reminder in my living room... hard when my thoughts turn that way when ever they're idle... hard when I've let them in totally and completely...

I'm sad... my heart hurts... aches really... I really thought this was it...

now if only I could get my dreams to stop...

if only...

*sighs*

Hope you had a Happy Canada Day...

Congratulations Sasha... hope you the best...