...Sugarbear...

Right now the pain is like an open wound in the middle of your chest...and with each heart beat it throbs and threatens to incapacitate you...the void that is there causing your stomach to clench...the numbness all over while trying to process such a loss...

The heart felt condolences and I'm sorrys coming from friends and even some that are complete strangers...making you nod and give a small tired and weak smile, perhaps a mumbled thank you comes out automatically.

Then those giving the condolences will fade into the background and their sorrys will seem hollow as they go back to their lives and no longer be affected by the enormous loss that you're trying to comprehend.

You may start to resent them for not feeling the loss as greatly as you do...you might not. You may feel angry as those who said they were there for you, suddenly don't know what to say to you.

I never had the privilege of meeting your mother. She had to have been a truly amazing woman, and I would have been honoured as your friend to have met her.

From stories you've told of her she seemed very strong, protective, resourceful and loving...(if your sense of humour is any reflection of hers...I'm sure she had a great one as well)

Did she instil in you your work ethic? Did she teach you how to treat the women you're with? Is she the one that taught you to be nurturing and generous? Is she the reason that you're an awesome dad?

When everyone else has finished the pause they will take to honour the loss of your mother, when people stop checking on you to see how you're 'holding up', and when they stop giving you their condolences...

I will still be there for you.

Whether it's to fill the quiet with idle conversation, silliness or just to sit and have company while watching telly... or if you just want someone who will listen to the stories as you reminisce about how much you love your mother... company for dinner...
Or if you just want someone who will hug you for as long as you need without any questions asked...

I'll be there.

I know that you will be there and you will be strong for everyone around you, you'll be the shoulder for them to lean on and cry. You'll pat their back, hug them or give them a small smile in order to help them with their own grief, all the while sort of bottling yours away to deal with later on.

You are an amazing man.

and I heart your face.