I say all you demons go back to hell... I'll save my soul save myself

Well I am a happy girl... generally am for a few days after talking to Big Daddy... but this time it's because yesterday I ordered a new webcam from NewEgg! Yay!

First new webcam in years... and hopefully I won't have to have a light pointing directly in my face in order to see it on the other end. I don't use webcams anywhere near as much as I used to, but it'll be nice for if my Dad (my actual Father) and I are on skype together which does happen sometimes. Or if Big Daddy actually decides to maybe talk to me via skype again :P I had actually thought about buying him one and shipping it to him... *chuckles*

But yeah so the very few that still talk to me via webcam...fun times!

*****

Hrm... ok I'll post later... I'm being shoved out the door and still need to go and get dressed...

I do so get annoyed when everyone is bothering me and I'm trying to blarg... like violently annoyed. *sighs* ....*mutters* I need a vacation away from these people.

Happy Canada Day :)

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te amo papi

I want you to notice... When I'm not around... You're so fucking special

Sometimes I sit and I wonder if you're a dream that I've had and keep having... I wonder if you are real... could you possibly exist in my world... is it all for naught... will one day I wake completely and find a hole where you once were... echoes of whispers that were in the dark near unheard... will there come a time when I think it no longer a dream... when I awake to find that you are more real then a figment... will I come to, finding you here... your smile beaming at me as my eyes flutter open... there are times when I have found that void and wondered if the dream had passed... if you were gone... but then my heart soars to new heights when I receive a message from you... when I hear word that you are well... when I hear your voice in my ear once more... I squeeze my eyes closed in those moments and wish them to never end... wishing that you were here closer to me... wishing to touch you to make sure that you aren't but a dream... until then I will hold out hope that my love is enough to bring you back to me and I to you... I will wait with bated breath for any message that you may send... I will continue to pray for you... and love you with all of my heart and all of my soul...

You got a fast car... I want a ticket to anywhere... Maybe we make a deal

As most people who know me know about me... I love to travel... I got bit by the travel bug when I was younger...

I comment to a friend of mine who only lives about 45 minutes from me that I find it funny that she says we live so far apart... it's nothing for me to drive 45 minutes... heck that's only a handful of songs... when you boil it down... but it's just she's gotten no attention span for being in a car for more then 10 minutes (her words not mine)... lol

if I had the means of transport I'd likely never be home we'd be every where.

but anyway... people who don't like driving weird me out... I just don't get it I suppose... so yeah back to what I was saying...

When I was 10 my grandma died on my Dad's side of the family... and in the summer that I was 11, my family was having supper with my grandfather and he was telling us about how he would be traveling to B.C in June, me being a kid piped up and said 'Oh can I come too?' not thinking anything of it... found out a few days later that my parents were ok with that idea, they talked it over with my grandfather and sure enough a couple of days after the last day of school I was off and traveling with him in his little white car that I named Kirby.

We travelled through the northern states... there were things we learned about each other on that trip... the first thing was... we didn't really know each other at all... but as the trip went on we talked and I learned about his family and what it was like for him growing up and being in the military. He learned that I am not a morning person and that I would stay silent just staring out the window as the scenery passed by, and it wasn't until after noon that I would really talk much.

It felt like we drove forever but I'm sure it was only a week... with him being the only driver in the car we would stop each night and we would sleep in the car or in a hotel room... I didn't even really care where we were going I just loved the fact that I got to see 'the world' (to me then)... he showed me sights that he showed his kids when they would travel... I saw how flat Montana is... and how you could see where it was raining miles and miles away while the sun shines down on you... yeah I thought that was weird...

I kept a journal (who'da thunk it eh?) while on my trip of being in the car... grandpa would try really hard to miss bumps and such if he noticed that I was writing... he was such a sweetie... I don't remember a whole lot now 20 yrs later of what we really talked about, I remember a lot of silence... and I was ok with that...

I met my great grandmother on that trip and her room mate... that always makes me smile when I think about that... they kept going on and on about the length of my eye lashes and how much I looked like Margo... yeah that was a crazy great aunt of mine who killed herself... I was mortified at the time that I would remind them of a crazy woman who killed herself... now... yeah I can see how it would fit... I also very briefly met my other great grandmother she didn't want visitors... crazy old bat... so we moved on through and started back through Canada... we worked it out with my aunt (one of my mom's sisters) that I could stay the summer there. So gramps was going to drive to Regina SK and drop me off there... but we stopped to visit a couple of my dad's sisters in Alberta... now up to this point it was just me, grandpa and the radio playing songs that were from like the 40's cause he would only listen to tapes... so in Alberta we were witness to the two aunts getting into a fist fight in the back of my uncles pharmacy... we rolled our eyes and sighed... we were picking up the youngest one and she was going back to Ontario with grandpa after he dropped me off in Saskatchewan... I was not impressed I now had to sit in the back and didn't really get to talk much... however... grandpa made sure that before we left that he and I went to the West Edmonton Mall... it was awesome... I looked around and took it all in but didn't want to really do any of the rides or any shopping... yeah I'm weird... people take me places and I just want to take pictures and look around... like some sort of strange observer...

Anyway... so on we went in silence.. my aunt gabbing my grandpa's ears off and me quiet and staring out the back windows of the car...

We got to Regina... and no one was home... I didn't think anything of it... I told grandpa I'd be fine until my aunt got home and my aunt convinced him I would be fine... and so they left me... the back door was open so we didn't think they'd be gone very long...

So... darkness fell... and ... *chuckles* it got later and later and no one was coming home... so I called home to my mom... she was not a happy camper to say the least... so was freaking out... I on the other hand was fine... nice quiet house... so needless to say my mom got a hold of her uncle who lived in Regina to come and get me so that I could stay with him until she could figure out what happened to my aunt...

Uncle Nick came to get me... he seemed a crotchety old man... but he figured some young girl would be real scared... so he knocked and loudly announced who he was and why he was there and that he wanted me to call my mom before he came into the house... crotchety but a gentleman... the only thing I remember about my great uncle Nick is that he had three fingers missing... and I found it intriguing how he smoked like that... and his house smelled really bad like old people...

The next day my aunt, uncle and two cousins came back from camping and found out what was going on and came to pick me up from uncle Nicks place... to me this was all quite the adventure.. apparently to the adults this would have been some sort of nightmare...

So there I was at my aunt's house with my cousin who was a year or two younger then me and the other one was 9 or so years younger then me...

My cousin and I had so much fun hanging out that summer... I got into a bunch of trouble and went through a couple of things I'd rather forget but... nonetheless had a good time while I was there.

So fast forward 20 years... to today... well actually yesterday... in and amidst all the crap that happened yesterday... I got a phone call from my cousin... he's in town until Sunday... so he'll be at my mom's house for dinner on Saturday... and we're both excited to be able to get a chance to hang out again even if for only the evening... I'm really kinda stoked... I don't get out west like ever... and he's rarely out here... so... there will be fun times to be had...

Gave me a warm fuzzy when we were hanging up last night and he's like '...love ya Cuz, I'll talk to ya probably tomorrow' :)

Laugh and sing,but while we're apart... Don't give your heart to anyone... But don't forget who's takin' you home

I've not been a good place the last little while...call it whatever if you have to label it I just haven't been in a good place... I've been ignoring things I've been supposed to be doing, cancelling on meetings and stuff because I just don't feel like being there... giving one word or I should say very succinct answers to questions I've been asked about how I'm doing... I've been questioning the stuff I have been doing... as well as my own beliefs and my own faith... I know not many people put much stock in those last two anymore but... I did...

it's not like anything in my life has had this huge traumatic effect on my life and...
well actually... yeah I guess there has been... I just haven't really been sharing how much of an affect it had on me because even though it may seem my style to blurt out everything that's going on in my life and seek approval or acknowledgment or some such... I really am a fairly private person... but this... this I've been keeping just for me... and I think it's finally just left me feeling quite hollow...

I was told that a little while ago that even though I may have the need to seek out everyone's attention and their approval... I've never really seen it that way... it really hurt me to think that someone out there thought that's what I was doing. I have a blog so I can do some sort of writing, some sort of journaling and it used to be so people could keep up with what I was up to and how I was doing because they didn't get to talk to me much. I would post pictures on Facebook and other network sites sort of for the same reasons, so that family that lives far away and friends I didn't see too often could get a glimpse of what was going on in my life. So then I started thinking... well... maybe I'm just jamming my life down their throats and I guess if they want to see pictures of what they might be missing by not being here they'll ask to see them. Or they would call or skype or contact me in some way so they could do so... So I took 'em down... closed 'em up... I deleted nearly all of the 60 pics that I had accumulated in my profile pictures and locked up all of my photo albums on FB... and ya know... no one even noticed... so I guess I was right... if they cared enough to want to see them I guess they would ask.

By doing that though it's just made me realize what I guess I knew all along... no one really cares about what I might be doing... there's only one person who calls me to see how I'm doing... online there is only one person who will search me out and ask me what's up every few days... other then that it's all on me to do the reaching out and the touching... It was a big eye opener.

There's others I've asked how they're doing and what's new and I get the response of - well I up date my blog don't you read it...

Can't win I suppose.

Obviously the man has noticed that I've been in a funk... he told me today that it made him feel better that I rolled over to hug him while I was sleeping for the first time in over a month... yeah... made me feel like a piece of shit.

Got into some sort of weird fucking argument with Bing last week... why? because I have this aching ball of jealousy that makes me feel sick when I see certain things and a couple of other reasons, which I've been told time and time again is unfounded but it doesn't stop it from happening and then when I say something about it I feel like an even bigger piece of shit because I don't get much time with him and that of all things is what we end up "talking" about...

I understand you have to experience the lows in order to appreciate the highs but goddamn... I do appreciate the highs... I don't need lows like this to appreciate the highs.

So on top of all that today... I got woken up from a nap (yeah which I've been napping a lot lately and that's just not normal for me) by an earthquake, only to find out that we're in the midst of a warning for tornadoes later in the evening, have 4 episodes...I swear I was looking around the house for a partridge in a pear tree... because by God if I found it I was right fucking sure it was gonna shit on me...

yeah yeah... I hear you... whaa whaa whaa boo hoo hoo...

I'm really not asking for much... I'm really not... I'm asking for two things to happen by the end of this year... but then again one of the things I've been wishing praying and hoping for, for about 3 yrs... and the second for over a year now...

It's really starting to get on my nerves when I get told that I get everything I want. If that was the case... I'd have those two things I want so very badly.

I really don't know why these two stick with me... I'm such a shit.

"So please don't, please don't, please don't

There's no need to complicate

'Cause our time is short

This is, this is, this is our fate

I'm yours"