It Is Possible...

One of the things that I've sort of prided myself on is the fact that if I love someone I love them unconditionally...

Most people don't believe that...and I was finally put to the real test as to whether or not I truly do love without conditions...

I've had a lot of hurtful things done to me and still end up having love in my heart for those that have done those wrongs to me...

However... the big test came in January when I found out that my ex was up on charges (almost 40 of them to be more specific - 27 counts of sexual abuse of a child, single counts each of continual sexual abuse of a child, sexual exploitation of a child, and providing alcohol to an under age person, five counts of sexual solicitation of a child, and two counts each of endangering the welfare of a child and unlawfully administering drugs.)

The response from everyone was understandably 
negative...hateful...disappointment...anger...disgust...shock...

I was stunned... and confused... and first thought that there must be some sort of mistake... I wanted to talk to him and find out what happened...

I would still like to talk to him at some point... I don't want to say the hateful things to him that other people do... I want him to know that I disagree with what he did... that I hope he's finding help... and that I will still be his friend.

I'm disappointed in him, shocked by what he did, and sad that he has ruined the rest of his life, but...there is still love in my heart for him.

It's taken quite a bit of processing for me to realize that yes I'm angry at him, but that I do not hate him.

I feel like I should hate him... but I can't force that... I do not condone what he did.

He's helped me too much to turn my back on him completely.

Got Distracted...

I'm happy.

Yep when have I ever started a post with those three words.

And though I'm happy I've tried really hard to keep it to myself a a couple of close friends... I shouldn't be ashamed of being in a happy place right now... however... it seems like when I'm down, sad or depressed everyone else is happy... and though they may not be down and depressed I do know that most of my friends aren't exactly happy in their current situations... I don't want it to seem like I'm flaunting anything.

I've been so happy and just going with the flow of stuff that I forgot to take my measurements for April...now that it's half way through the month... I've sort of said 'fuck it'.

I got to talk to Burton last night via Skype for nearly 3 hours...she's gotten caught up with some of my favourite (and clean) SugarBear stories... she claims that he isn't real...and that some of the stories are fucking adorable...lol

Kind of wish I had the money to go with her to NYC when she goes to catch the Neil Patrick Harris show on Broadway.

Sent Roo, Squasha, and Bing the dates for the upcoming bouts this season for derby. Roo wants to come up...has to check money and time. Squasha just gave me a thumbs up...mainly because from  Switzerland to Canada...for a derby bout...yeah that's quite the trip... I don't pretend to be that important to anybody...lol However, I figured just in case he was planning a trip back this way in the summer...what's the harm of giving him the dates.
Biggest surprise came from Bing... sent him the dates... and really he was the catalyst for this whole adventure of derby I have been on... so I thought what the heck...figuring that his response would be 'not gonna happen' ... imagine my surprise when that wasn't the answer but instead got a 'I'll see what I can do'...
Would like to have him come and see me...
Would love to have Burton come to a game and bench coach the team, I know the girls would love to see her...and of course I would love to have my wifey at my game.


to be continued...

Maybe Just a Little Bit....

He's got a nickname and yep I even call him it...lol

It's almost like I don't want to post too much about him here because I'm afraid it might burst the blissful little bubble I've got going on. I don't want to look back and see this rise and fall of happiness like I saw with my Bing posts... well that I see with my Bing posts... I know the underlying stuff behind the posts that I didn't say because of him reading... but... with SB (shortened) I know he doesn't read this so I can say whatever I wish...

I don't want to hear any negativity...

Like I have already... like how friends of mine are surprised that SB and I are still getting together... how they thought it was just a fling or one night thing... or how they think it won't last much longer...

I know I am not his 'girlfriend'...lol

Apparently he has been questioned by his sisters about 'this girl that keeps liking his stuff on facebook' which made me laugh as he explains that he only deflected the one sister...but explained only enough to his other one that 'she is a really good friend'... I had to laugh as he said it and said over the rim of my mug of tea 'Yep a really good friend that spends the night having sex and lays around on my couch in her underpants and my new Coors hoodie, drinking tea and watching me fold my laundry...'

I thought it was sweet that he thought about me while on his vacation...each night we chatted while he was gone...which he said he liked the time difference because it meant he actually got to chat with me for a bit before he went to bed...(he hardly gets to do that when he's working because of going to bed so early)...
(sounds slightly familiar but not thinking about that...lol)

Apparently thought about me as well when he was wearing his batman shirt...said he went around doing the 'Because I'm Batman' like I have on my phone notifications...thought that was really cute...

I think mainly I find some of the stuff he does really sweet or cute or what not because he does not come across as that kind of guy...well at least not at first... and after meeting him and spending time with him he definitely shocks ya again with what else he'll say or do in a more...intimate...setting... *grins*

*blushes*

Yeah I really really like him...

Smitten Much...?

I knew I liked him a lot the moment his spelling errors didn't get on my nerves... Yep that's how simple it can be sometimes...

Most people who know me well, know that the smallest of typos can get on my nerves to the point where I start pointing out the error to the person making them... I'll even get upset with myself if I've published my blog post and it has mistakes in it... I'll get annoyed at professional publications if there is spelling errors in the article or book that I may be reading... It trips up my brain and fucks with the flow of what I'm processing if there is a mistake... Don't fuck with my flow...

However, I digress, as I said, I realized at the moment that his texts and messages became a game of...which word is that supposed to be...a cute game... A cute flaw?

It's not like his messages are riddled with errors... Just sometimes misspellings or fat finger typos...but even so... I find them cute. I assume when I stop finding them cute or endearing then I'll know there's something amiss...but until then...

After Bing I wanted nothing to do with other men...in the sense of relationship stuffs... I mean yeah I still would get together with others to have some fun... But nothing ever gave me that ooo I want to keep them...sort of feeling.

Until now...

It hasn't been all sex with him... Need to figure out a name for him for here...but anyway... There's been times we just get together hang out, watch tv and cuddle on the couch and talk...weird for me right? I know.

So we've been doing this hang out, talk, sleep over, fuck...thing for nearly three months...

I have no clue where it's going... Haven't asked... Not sure I want to...

All I know is I'm giddy after having spent time with him...whether it's a few minutes or a few hours...

He's only home on weekends...which sort of sucks...but is better then only seeing him once a year... Lately he's been coming for a weekend every two weeks....but we chat via texts and pm's so we do stay in touch...also nice...

This past weekend I went to see him on Friday nightish and came home Saturday late evening... Holy crap...so we spent 24 hours together... For me it was awesome... Yeah we laid around...watched tv...talked...slept...watched the hockey game...talked a lot actually... And yeah...had sex... But I loved the talking bits just as much...

As I've confided in a couple already... I am head over heels ( dumb expression) over him... I enjoy our time together and then can hardly wait to spend more time with him... It's official... I'm twitterpated...lol

Must be... I squee a little when he says sweet things to me... Lol

But anyway...enough about that... I just realized that I didn't put up a weigh in for Feb...oops...we did do them...just forgot to post it...so I'll put one up...still have to do March's weigh in...

There's been a couple of other things I've wanted to post about to but I've just been doing other stuffs... But I'll get to posting about that too...

Sometimes It's Just Silence You Need...

Last night I went to derby practice and sat out, I had one of my team mates skate up to me about half way in and ask me what was broken...generally just her way of asking why I wasn't skating.

Truth is I feel broken... I feel like for the last two weeks there's been some civil unrest within my body as I try to do the battle of staying on track and healthy and not having enough money to stay on track and be healthy.

I would sit at my desk and want to cry at the smell of potatoes cooking in the kitchen because I know that I can't eat them but know that there wasn't much left in the kitchen that I could eat.

I would frown and feel sad when having to put rice on my plate because besides a piece of chicken or pork chop there wasn't anything else that I could eat for dinner.

Then of course I would feel ridiculous because at least I had food in the house where I could provide a 'decent' meal for the rest of my family and I should have felt happy about that, but all I could think about was how much pain that food was going to cause me.

It has caught up to me today and that civil unrest within me has turned into a full scale civil war and the south is unhappy. So many aches in my joints, my back hurts when it's straight...and when I slouch.
I'm on the verge of screaming in anger and screaming in pain...but trying very hard to not scream at all.
I want to cry because now that I know what it feels like to be better it feels a thousand times worse when I am forced to fuck it all up.

My ankle feels like it did when I got the ability to walk on it again after getting my cast off. My knees are not happy campers at all. My sinuses are stuffed and it feels like my head is going to explode from this stupid headache that I have.

I feel like if I open my mouth to hold a 'normal' conversation I'm either going to cry or scream in the persons face that they don't understand what's happening inside of me and how dare they try to talk to me when I'm in so much pain.

When like this you can't see it from the outside, you can't tell I'm in pain, unless you really know me. How am I supposed to expect people to know if I don't tell them. I just can't put into words how much this sucks.

To make things worse since I've decided to start doing the weigh ins again I know there is one coming up and I'm not looking forward to seeing how that is going to turn out. I figure I'll have gained weight and it'll just depress me even more.

On top of all this bullshit with me...

A man I once loved very much, is having his preliminary hearing today, after having been arrested last week.

I was stunned into silence, confusion, disbelief and so many other emotions when I had found out that the DrunkenMonkey had been arrested on 27 counts of sexual abuse of a child, 1 count of continual sexual abuse of a child, 1 count of sexual exploitation of a child, 1 count of  providing alcohol to an under age person, 5 counts of sexual solicitation of a child, 2 counts of endangering the welfare of a child and 2 counts of unlawfully administering drugs.

Yep.

He was held with a $799 600 secured bond.

Yeah been trying to process that for nearly a week. How is it that someone can sink so low?
I knew he needed professional help for his alcohol abuse but he had been going to counselling...

I was thankful that his (now ex) girlfriend had let me know immediately, because people we had mutually known had started to message me with a 'You'll never guess what's going on in Dover.' So thankfully I didn't get blind sided by those who just wanted to gossip and point.

I know what he did is sickening. I feel more disappointed in him then anything else at this point. I would love to have a conversation with him and just say 'What the fuck were you thinking?! She was your 13 year old step daughter. You were supposed to be her Daddy, and protect her from shit like this happening to her, not do it to her.' Well that and 'No seriously, what happened...?'

I've told Krammit and The Man, that at this point after he's found guilty and put in prison I'll just be waiting to get the message that he's been killed. If he ends up in Gen Pop he's a dead man. I will feel bad, and I'm definitely not wanting or wishing for that to happen, but I'm sadly expecting it.