All The Skating.

Wow...is it really only Wednesday night?

This week has been full but good...
Went up to the HARD leagues practice to watch them scrimmage...within 10 minutes of being there was asked why I didn't have my skates on...and why I wasn't scrimmaging with them... I admitted to Mama that it's because I'm a chicken shit to skate with them...
After watching them, Mama asked if I was kicking myself in the ass because I didn't skate... I told her maybe a little...

They skate so fast... however I will be going to their  practice tomorrow.

I want to try both NRG and HARD for the  next while...

Tuesday I had a job interview at noon... haven't heard anything back yet...but then it was just yesterday...

Last night I went to practice and manage to do all 3 hrs of it...felt good but I need to push harder...hence why I'm going to HARD again tomorrow night instead of my practice...

Last Friday I made it up to Kitchener  (much thanks to Sugarbear for that) Tri-City is doing a 'Learn to Skate' clinics for four weeks...last week was the first one. Even though they went right back to the very basics I still learned a bunch...
Can't wait to go back....

Going to have to bite the bullet and drive up there myself in my car. I've asked a few people about getting a ride...2 said they would but this coming Friday they have plans already...and the others said no...
So I'll keep fingers crossed and prayers upon my lips that I make it there and back in my car.

Tonight was a slow night... went and met with another of my league mates and discussed fundraising ideas. I've updated and reworked the paperwork for the upcoming info sessions. Made up an information brochure for the league as well.

Now...watching a movie...going to work on a bit of knitting...and then bed...

Strange Rambling Train...

I cry.

I know technically we all do at some point in our lives...obviously. I just sometimes do it more then others.

The first memory I have of crying as a child...where if I sit here and think back. I was really young and I found out that if anything should ever happen to my parents that my sister and I would be raised by our godparents...but then it dawned on me that we had different godparents...so therefore if something ever happened to my parents my sister and I wouldn't be together any more...
(I think I was around 6 or so when I was trying to work this out in my brain.)
It was after we had been sent to bed and I was laying there in bed and I had realized (if I was correct) that if my parents died, I would not only lose them and they wouldn't be alive any more but I would have also lost my sister and I would be all by myself living at my grandparents house.

I started to cry. I started to cry so hard that my mum came in to find out why I was crying. When she came in she asked me why I was crying and all I could manage to say was "I don't want you to die." She of course thought that was the oddest thing for me to say and told me she wasn't going to die and to go to sleep.

To me that shows just a sneak peek of how it is my brain works...oddly.

I think it was around that time that I didn't want people to leave and forget about me.

It's blossomed into a strange issue of mine.

People move away, people die, people fade away...

I was forgotten a lot as a child by my parents... that was a contributing factor as well.

I remember one night at my dance lessons (One night a week I had 3 classes in one night. So was at the school from 5pm until about 9pm). My mum would drop me off after school and then pick me back up afterwards. I was still sitting out front after all the classes had been let out. It wasn't until the last teacher was heading to her car that I realized just how late my mum was. My stomach was upset and I was on the verge of tears when the teacher asked if I wanted to go back upstairs with her and try to call my mum. I was standing up to go with her when suddenly my mum came flying into the parking lot. Her first words when I got into the car was 'I totally forgot you were here.'
I just nodded and had to keep looking out the window because I had started to cry.

I've tried really hard to not forget people. I've also tried to remind myself that no matter what I do some people will forget about me and that it's ok.

(but back to the crying)

I cry when I think about how I feel about people. Whenever I try to put into words how someone has touched me or how they've made me feel or even how I feel about them.

I tell my friends when I'm proud of them, when I'm disappointed, and I love them... I try to make sure to tell people how I feel about them because...well...life's too short.

I've never regretted telling anyone how I feel or how they make me feel. I think I've made people feel uncomfortable with telling them maybe how in depth it is I feel.

I stay quiet because I tend to be intense...

I want to know everything...constantly wanting to learn more about people...I want to know what makes them tick...what makes them think the way they do...How everything affects them...How does everything make them feel... Why is their favourite song their favourite...How do they pick their favourite sports team... what's their favourite meal... how did they feel when their heart broke for the first time... is sex a deep connection that tingles every nerve ending throughout their body too... does staring into the eyes of your lover make you feel more connected to them as you cum... does the smell of your cum with theirs turn you on... do they look in the mirror and look how they think they look...
I want to know everything...about everyone...

I want to know if when someone runs their fingers across your skin, does it feel like a thousand little caresses...does it make your breath catch...does it send a almost numbing sensation to your brain...does the feel of their bare skin make you bite your bottom lip and lean into their touch...

Does the sun make you smile just looking up into it and closing your eyes and feeling the warmth of it... does the smell of your favourite flower make you smile and make your muscles relax...does the sound of your lovers laugh make you feel at home...does an unkind word from someone slip into your brain and bang around in your head getting louder and louder until that's all you hear when you see that person...

Is life as intense to everyone else?

Laugh or Cry. (or both)

Intense Orgasm...could bring on one or the other,,,only once has it done both.

strange rambling random train of thought....

I Am...

Hm...
What  to say...

I'm fairly straightforward with people. I tell you what I need right up front. Honesty and straightforwardness are two things I require in any sort of relationship...whether I am mother, daughter, wife, friend, lover, sister, or acquaintance... these are the two things that I expect.
I don't see how these things have to be asked for and not just freely given.

When you lie to me I know... I will not always call you out on it... I'll likely nod and just mhm quietly... making a mental note that I can no longer trust you.

Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

Life is so much easier. Do not worry about hurting  feelings if it is  the truth that you speak. You hurt others with lies and disrespect.

Life goes on. Fun shall be had.

Going forward in my life I'll be making some changes... they've already started.

More fun... fucking... and skating...

I've changed my derby name. So I am no longer Raenbow Slash... I am Taboma.
The next 4 Fridays I'll be driving to Kitchener to get some skating help from some of the Tri-City Roller Girls...
I've decided I'm going to get up to Ancaster and get some skating help from the girls from HARD...
I've put my all into planning for the new intake for my league...
Also sent in and offered my help for aome upcoming fundraisers as well...
I'm sure I'm likely to complain about all sorts of it in the days to come...lol

My health...
I do have an appointment with Dr Awesome on the 2nd of March...
My stomach has been much better since this past Monday... (family day).
Some mornings it is a bit touchy still...but the full blown nauseousness I had been feeling is gone. The smell of food cooking doesn't make me feel like I want to puke. I can cook again without mouth breathing to try not to smell it.
My shakes have subsided...and I haven't dropped anything in at least a few days.
Now if only I could get away from at least one of my addictions...the most harmful being the sugars.
The other...not as harmful...actually much much more pleasurable.

My love life...
Ah well...that's a bit of a story...which I'm not telling right now.

I'm looking for a job. I probably will go back to the farm and do more fruit packing...but I do need to find something else as well.
Need some monies for derby stuff...for passport...for activities...for the car.... oh for lots of things...

Until I can find a rich sugar daddy who just wants to lavish me with gifts and money just for being cute and keeping him company...I'll have to find another way....lmao

I have finished some commisioned pieces that I was knitting. Now I'd like to make myself something.

I have thoughts on a few things that I need to really sit down and type up...instead of updating via my phone...would make typing out a post so much easier.

Doc Awesome

I called Dr Awesome's office today... I've not seen him since October...

I'm terrified.

I'm shaking...my insides are shaking...which is not a cool feeling. I have a quivering feeling inside my chest, which gets my heart all retarded.
My stomach is a mess... it hurts and I'm nauseous all the time...
I had the bright idea this morning of taking 1 gravol to help calm my stomach so I could go about my day... yeah...no. It knocked me on my ass and put me to sleep for 5 hours...which was probably good because I haven't been sleeping well.
But didn't do anything for my nausea because I woke up this afternoon still feeling light headed and pukey...

I've managed to eat some salad that was leftover from the weekend...but when I finished it... the nauseous feeling got worse...

I need to leave in 15 minutes to go to my derby practice...I'm practising with the Freshmeat tonight because I think it would be beneficial for getting my wheels back under me...and I'm hoping it's not as intense so that I can make it through the whole practice.

So yeah I have an appointment with Dr Awesome...however it's not until March 9th...

The only thing (besides stress) that I can relate all this health crap to is that the last weekend of January I sort of overdid it with the sugar...

So here's to me sorting this shit out so it'll stop me from doing stupid things...because it always cranks my anxiety up to high when shit starts going down.


More later about how I fair at practice while feeling this off.

Stress, is that a diet aid...?

I feel straight up ill.

My stomach has been in knots for what seems like weeks now.

I feel like I just keep saying the wrong things and scrambling to figure out how to express or explain myself.

I'm scared about my health right now. I've been getting dizzy spells, hands have been shaking and been dropping things...and when all those happened on Friday I started to freak out (mostly on the inside because Sugarbear was home)...
I need to call the doctor again.
Especially since my heart started to act up again this weekend, as well as me being so nauseous I could barely eat yesterday. It was so bad the smell of food cooking was making me groan and gag a bit.

I don't know how much of that is self induced by stress.