I choose Compassion.

Sometimes the hardest thing you can do is to tell someone that you're there for them and truly mean it.

It may be that you offer to make dinner, or offer up a ride to wherever they need to go, or just sitting with them while they watch tv and hand them a tissue when a memory washes over them and leaves them emotionally raw again...

And then sometimes... you become a whipping post for their anger...a verbal punching bag for their frustrations...

When they feel overwhelmed and emotionally raw one thing could set them off, if they don't have an outlet for that frustration and anger they'll lash out...at you.

It may seem strange to some but after getting into a discussion like that I like to come back with kindness, and compassion, and even consideration.
I had said that I wasn't going anywhere and that whatever is needed to help I would do it...including moving a mountain if required.

Not because I'm looking for a reward of some sort. I do it because if I've chosen you as my friend (which is something unto itself because I'm not a big fan of people) I am loyal and will do anything for those I choose to love.
I love those I've chosen to have in my inner circle of friends.

I can't do anything to help people monetarily and sometimes the issue is something I've never dealt with so I can't offer any advice.

What I do offer is healing... massages... conversations that just flow from one thing to the next... physical closeness... or just a shoulder to cry on...

And the most precious thing to me of all that I offer is...my time.

Ready to Rumble

So today is the day...

I pack up my derby gear and head up to Kitchener this evening to play in my first ever away from my league scrimmage. I suppose technically it's not my first because I did scrimmage up in Ancaster as well...but some of them feel like part of my league.

There's 4 of us from NRG that are headed up there tonight...3 of us are on the same team...so that makes me feel a bit better.

I'm really going to miss Sugarbear tonight. I loved during the last season being able to look down the straight away from the pivot line to see him sitting there watching. Made me feel less nervous. That's why I liked spending the mornings of game days with him as well...he would keep me calm and I wouldn't feel all jittery.

And truthfully would much have him in Kitchener tonight then heartbroken over the loss of his parents up North. If wishes were nickels...but anyway...

So...it's a co-ed scrimmage tonight. I've never played against guys before...from what I've seen there's one on each of the teams. One thing I can say is I've already skated at the venue so at least I don't have to wonder too much about what the floor is like.

Also...first game/scrimmage where I will be donning my new name...

What made me sign up for this again??

The Witchdoctor.

Love isn't a game to be played, it isn't toying with someones emotions or to be wielded like it's a weapon.

It's for healing, for staying grounded and yet flying high at the same time...

For the last 20 some odd years I have been learning as much as I can about many of the different healing arts...reiki...therapeutic touch...chinese meridians...colour therapy...meditation...massage therapy...reflexology...etc.
And I've been combining that with psychological and physiology...

So that I may help counsel people in any way I can...
I talk with people...and sit with people...
I hold their hands...or hug them.

I feel their pains... I feel their happiness...

I was born an empath... I make connections with people... I invest myself wholeheartedly into those I love...

On a the flipside of that though...to those I don't love I close myself off from them... it makes me seem standoffish...or that I hate them...when in fact that's not the case... I just have to wall myself off from others so that I'm not feeling all of their stuff too...

It can be overwhelming...

But back on the other side of that again...

I've done training to be a shaman...it's why I chose to call myself a witchdoctor... picking up all the training that I have and incorporating it with the other sciences... I'm a bit of a jack of all trades when it comes to mental, spiritual and physical health...

And yet...

I still have those days where I feel completely useless to my friends when they are going through some shitty shit in their lives... mainly because a lot of what I know is hands on... sort of literally have to be there with/for them...

Tough to do sometimes.

Love is a healer.

This too shall pass?

Usually people have that one person they find solace in.
That one person where just being in their presence silently (or not) they begin to feel better about steesses or anxiety. Talking to that person can make them smile. That person telling them 'you can do this'...'you got this'... or something similiar makes them feel like they can take on the world.
That person  where they just need to hug them and you can feel the stress drain from your muscles.

Those people are special...we keep them close...and likely (for most) never tell them what they mean to us.

Mine keep leaving me....
That seems really dramatic but very true.

Krammit moved away so I don't get to see her much anymore.
Burton moved to Cali...so definitely a lot harder to get hugs. Still end up talking, but not the same.
Minner is in prison...and I still haven't been able to bring myself to write him yet.
Squasha is on another continent which makes it difficult to have a conversation.
Bing is busy and although we talk I know he's not comfortable with some topics anymore. And of course lives in Nevada.
Roo had moved to the other side of the continent so we don't get to talk to much anymore either.

It makes it very hard to be able to just quietly hug someone and cuddle away some stress...when no one is in the same city.

Sugarbear... he just lost his mum. Not like I can seek comfort from someone who I so badly feel needs comforting himself. As much as I really want to cuddle with him, I know he needs his time to grieve for his mum in his own way.

I see the derby girls making plans with their wives...small groups of them going off together for nights out...
I get a twinge of loneliness....wishing my Krammit and Burton were closer.

I have the one person I find solace in...
When sad or angry or depressed I send them a message and hope that they message me back...and when they do it doesn't matter what  we talk about I immediately start to feel better.
Sometimes I don't know what exactly to say so I send them an emoticon...and just getting an emoticon back helps.
It's  the reaching out for human contact, when reciprocated makes me smile.

As anti-social as I am... I recognize that I do need to have contact with other people.

I just need to find some that are  more available...literally, and emotionally.

I just have a hard time clicking and connecting with people.

So right now I'm in that mode where all I want to do is curl up silently and cuddle until next week.

Instead... been throwing myself into derby.
So now...just lonely and sore...

Sorry...not a happier post.

Did get the lineups for next weeks scrimmage in Kitchener...I am literally going to get my  ass handed to me. I'm at least excited about that.

Distractions and Decisions

There's so very much I want to say...

So many words banging around in my head...but they're not ready...

It would come out in a jumbly mumbly mess of emotional vitriol...
Nearly biting off the tip of my tongue.

So many topics...so many things happening...

I feel like if I try to express myself now that I'm making it about me...

Full moon tomorrow.

I didn't get to skate yesterday... weather and roads were shitty... didn't make it to Kitchener on Friday either... HARD practice isn't happening tomorrow... so I'll go to my own practice and then make my way to Kitchener on Friday...

Having yesterday and today derby free is good...feel like it's been all derby all the time lately.

I do need to complete my art piece for the upcoming art show...and also going to start doing some research into what it takes to run a derby tournament so I can write up a proposal.
Go big or go home...right?

I have given the fundraising committee a list of 31 possible fundraisers ... the chair nearly fell out of her chair...lol

The info session that was on Monday was a bust...sort of figured it would be. Have another on Sunday...pretty sure this one might be a bust as well...but we'll see.

Keeping distracted with derby is helping a bit...not as much as before.

Lots of thoughts...need to update my CV...need to find some employment...

Escapism though is my forte...so watching shows and knitting...

...Sugarbear...

Right now the pain is like an open wound in the middle of your chest...and with each heart beat it throbs and threatens to incapacitate you...the void that is there causing your stomach to clench...the numbness all over while trying to process such a loss...

The heart felt condolences and I'm sorrys coming from friends and even some that are complete strangers...making you nod and give a small tired and weak smile, perhaps a mumbled thank you comes out automatically.

Then those giving the condolences will fade into the background and their sorrys will seem hollow as they go back to their lives and no longer be affected by the enormous loss that you're trying to comprehend.

You may start to resent them for not feeling the loss as greatly as you do...you might not. You may feel angry as those who said they were there for you, suddenly don't know what to say to you.

I never had the privilege of meeting your mother. She had to have been a truly amazing woman, and I would have been honoured as your friend to have met her.

From stories you've told of her she seemed very strong, protective, resourceful and loving...(if your sense of humour is any reflection of hers...I'm sure she had a great one as well)

Did she instil in you your work ethic? Did she teach you how to treat the women you're with? Is she the one that taught you to be nurturing and generous? Is she the reason that you're an awesome dad?

When everyone else has finished the pause they will take to honour the loss of your mother, when people stop checking on you to see how you're 'holding up', and when they stop giving you their condolences...

I will still be there for you.

Whether it's to fill the quiet with idle conversation, silliness or just to sit and have company while watching telly... or if you just want someone who will listen to the stories as you reminisce about how much you love your mother... company for dinner...
Or if you just want someone who will hug you for as long as you need without any questions asked...

I'll be there.

I know that you will be there and you will be strong for everyone around you, you'll be the shoulder for them to lean on and cry. You'll pat their back, hug them or give them a small smile in order to help them with their own grief, all the while sort of bottling yours away to deal with later on.

You are an amazing man.

and I heart your face.