Oh Beaver Fever...

Oh holy shit...

I woke up yesterday to The Man walking into my room telling me that I've been selected to play in the co-ed scrimmage at the Beaver Fever tournament in Waterloo/Kitchener on May 9th.

I was barely awake...could barely open my eyes to see anything as I tried to pick up my phone.

As I lay there in  my bed yawning my face off and trying to wake up and look at my phone with one eye open and one closed.

Sure as shit...there's a lineup change on team Cubs. I had been on the wait list for the last two months and now suddenly I was listed to play.

Because I hadn't heard anything back yet I had put myself as 'not going' to the tournament only a day or two previous.

Well....shit.

Now I was awake and thinking about how the hell I was going to get there and how the hell was I going to find the money to pay for the scrimmage...not once has the thought of 'you can't afford this and you don't have a ride' popped into my head.

So much for the whole 'meh I have a month at least until I play another game...it'll give my knee a rest...'

Open scrimmage...skaters of every level...beginner to veterans...co-ed... Cubs vs Cougars

Beaver Fever here I come.

Flint

Even when you know it's coming Death is never easy.

The world just lost one of bravest, and most compassionate men I have ever been honoured enough to call my friend.

I had known Flint for 15 years. In the last few I didn't see him a whole lot but when I did, we would just pick up where we left off.

He was one of the most caring of men, soft spoken but played one of the biggest hand drums.

He taught me a couple of rhythms and was so patient with me when I would get frustrated that I wasn't quite getting it. He would just smile and chuckle at me, saying 'just keep at it and feel the beat'.

It makes me so very sad that he is gone. That there are so many who will never experience Flint's kind and calming nature.

I hope nothing but good memories for all that knew him.

Not Holding My Breath

I was really angry...no wait...trying to practice precision of language...
I was disappointed, and my feelings were hurt, when I had found out on Sunday that I had been forgotten about again.

Most everyone in my close circle of friends know that I've had a bitch of a time this year (again) trying and training my ass off so that I could pass my minimums testing to play derby again this season. Trials and tribulations...and so forth. Among those who knew what a hard time I was having is my mother and my sister.

Thankfully the Tuesday before the big day I had shown enough improvement in my time for my laps that I  was allowed through. I got 24 and a half...was reaching for 25.
However, I digress.

So I find out I'm playing in the second game. I tell my friends and family.

My mother tells me she'll be there...even up until the night before.

Saturday comes and I'm working the penalty box for the first game. I see Baker show up... I see my aunt and uncle show up...
Second game comes around...that's it. Just Baker and my aunt and uncle. Can't see my Sister or Mother anywhere. I keep checking my phone... I gear up and play the first half... I check my phone again... nothing... no calls... no messages... nothing.
I go play the second half...having the time of my life but still in the back of my mind thinking 'where the heck are they...'

I am a mum...so I go back and forth between worry, disappointment, anger...etc.

I send my mum a text when I get to the bar...asking wtf... not quite like that...but...

No response.

I wake up the next morning... I'm fucking sore... I'm really happy... my team won by 2 points...it was a great game...

Then I check my phone.

I had gotten a message from my mum.

I'm sorry we didn't make it to your game. We were decorating Manchilds bedroom and lost track of time. We didn't even eat dinner until 8:30p and that's when I realized I was suppose to be in St Catharines.
Did your team win?

I lost it. It angered me so much to have been forgotten.

I've mentioned it before here on my blog about my childhood and growing up. All my life they would forget about me.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm overly considerate and compassionate at times because of their inconsideration.

Hell my dad didn't even acknowledge that I had game or make any mention of possibly coming. He doesn't let me down, because he never raises my expectations.

Last season... they all made it to 1 game... out of 4.

The man (SB) I was fucking had been more supportive last season then my own parents.

I would have said family there but...my Aunt and Uncle made it out to 3 of my 4 games together...and my uncle came out to the 4th one by himself.

This is why I gather close friends and then consider them family, and have trust issues...lol

Anyway...here's to hoping I might get a couple more friends out willing to watch some derby.

Death Has No Mercy

The moment you find out that you are pregnant...that within your body there is another being that is being formed and sustained by all that you eat and drink, that this tiny bunch of cells is forming and that you will one day get to feel it move within you...

Making it feel as though you have butterflies in your stomach at it's tiny fluttering motions, as it grows and moves...

The swell of your belly getting tighter, making your clothes uncomfortable, breasts tender and swollen, vaginal area swelling and much more sensitive...

That glow taking over and feeling just like the mother goddess as you take pride in the fact that you are now incubating another human being...

And you start almost immediately daydreaming about how you'll raise them...things you'll do with them once they're born...what you'll name them... it has to be something that hopefully they will like and not want to change... you'll dream about them being healthy and happy...

You start to get fiercely protective of them...eating right...not drinking... staying away from smokers and smoking... As they and you grow bigger... they move around kicking and pushing against some vital organs...and you forgive them the pain and discomfort they cause you, because you love them with all your heart...they are a part of you, and you know how cramped they're getting in your belly... you rub your belly in the hopes that they can feel your touch and be comforted while in utero...

Knowing that your heart beat is the loudest thing they can hear, you hope that through those beats they feel the love you have for them locked away in there...

You worry about how you'll keep them safe once you give birth to them... you wonder if they'll grow up well adjusted and knowing how much you fear that the ugliness of the world will get to them too soon... you worry about everyone who may come into contact with them and what they might learn from them as they grow...

At times you wish to just keep them from all the dangers...all the horrors...all the nasty stuff out there...

You're full of joy and worry some days one is more intense then the other and vice versa...

Then... suddenly one day you're not feeling very well... so you stay in bed... the next day you can't remember whether or not you felt the baby kick... you get up feeling a bit better... but constantly putting your hands to your swollen belly as if willing the baby to move... wait...was that a small flutter...or was that maybe a gas bubble...well now you're paranoid...you convince yourself that you felt the small flutterings and go about your day...

You get ready to go to bed... nothing different...you can't get comfortable...you're nearly 5 months pregnant...
Finally sleep comes from sheer exhaustion...even though you still don't feel 100%

You awaken in the middle of the night...in the grip of the most excruciating pain in your abdomen that you have ever felt... some unseen force is reaching through your back, trying to snap your spine in it's lethal death grip...
You try to cry out but the pain is so intense it's stolen your voice from you as the warmth seeps down your legs...your body coated with a slick sickly sweat...

You can barely move the pain is so intense...you manage to sit upright and up onto your knees...but the pain hits again and you double over your swollen belly as if to try to protect your unborn child from the pain you're in...

The black out worthy pain rolls over your body again and you feel like you're going to be sick...but instead of dry heaving you feel this intense pressure in your belly... your eyes fly open in horror as you realize that your body is trying to push out your unborn child...your hand goes between your legs as if you can somehow stop this from happening... there's a slick wetness there between your legs... when you pull your hand back you realize that your hand is now covered in dark thick red blood...

Shock tries to take over your body, it tries to make you pass out...it paralyzes you as your body feels ripped apart again from the body racking pain...your body rebels against your wishes and pushes...squeezing the tiny human being you were growing within your womb...that tiny frail miracle that you dreamed of naming...raising...loving and cuddling...expelling that tiny piece of unlimited potential from your loins...

You're left soaking with sweat, in shock, covered in blood, ready to vomit and the most precious teeny tiny baby....who is a dark blue...there's a cord wrapped around her neck...

She was dead.

The Force Awakened

You're right Bing there is a line there...

Sometimes it takes me awhile to pick up on stuff like that.. mainly because of the way I grew up...

But I see it now...

I just needed to stop focusing on the small picture and look at the big one... that's when I saw the line...

Thanks.

Now is time for the fun to begin for me...lol

Good times ahead.

I am a Strong, Independent, Sexy, Intelligent, Confident, Intense, Passionate woman who is about to take her life by the short and curlies... and I'm going to take over my world.

Even if I do it alone.

Wait...what?!

Nothing quite like cleaning the house for 3 days when you know that company is coming...

Spring cleaning.

Thank fuck it's actually spring so I have something else to blame for this cleaning spree as well.

Company comes tomorrow.

Not sure what I've gotten us into yet...might get killed in our sleep at some point this week...

lol...nah that's just dramatics...

However we are opening our house to a stranger for the next...month or so.

A friends sisters boyfriend needs a place to stay.
They will be moving to the area, apparently he found a job faster then expected, so he needs somewhere to stay whilst he looks for a place for them whilst he's working...and whilst she gets packed up and ready to move from wherever they're moving from.

Never met either one of them...just going on the friends vouching for him...

So this should prove to be interesting.

And this is all happening tomorrow.

I dislike people I don't know in my house. Especially when I'm out as often as I am with derby.

(The pic is just one of my favourite moments of the week. Trash talking via text for the Leafs vs Habs game.)

Your Life. Your choices.

Some days are really easy...other days it takes everything you have to not fall off the side of the cliff of life.

There are many issues I deal with every day...
Heart condition, respiratory issues, dietary restrictions, depression, anxiety, anti-socialism, etc.

Throughout my life I've taken on different sorts of mottos, cliches, sayings, quotes, analogies, ways, beliefs.

One of the ones that has stuck around the longest is Life is comprised of the choices you make.
Pretty simple, right?

If you make the decision to say or do something, that was your choice.
I dislike when people say 'I had (have) no choice.' Because it's just plain false.

Sometimes the choice is the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life.

You can choose to forgive someone of their transgressions or you can choose to cut them from your life, after 20 years.

You can choose to uproot yourself and your family and move to another country, or you can stay where you are.

Life is choices.

Those choices come in all sizes...from the tiniest of 'what socks do I wear today' to the biggest of life changing choices.

A lot of people will make their choices depending on what others might say or do...
'I can't move to B.C. my family will be upset.'
'I can't date that person, my family won't like it.'

Sometimes that should be taken into consideration like 'I can't tell this client to fuck off, my boss won't like it and I'll lose my job.'

Generally I say... make the choices based off of your own opinions and your own information.
Judge others on what they have done to you or said to you. (Well unless they kill and/or maim people...but you catch my drift.)

Making decisions about your life based on other peoples input gives them an awful lot of power over your life.
It's one thing to ask for the advice of others...that's a bit different. You've asked their opinion.

When you are considering a decision about something in your life and you find yourself thinking about what your kids, friends, family, coworkers etc. might think, that's you basing your decision off what they would want instead of what you may need or want.

Now...
I'm not perfect...obviously.

I am currently in the midst of a huge life decision. I find myself thinking a lot about what others might say and/or do when I come to the end of my decision-making process.

Thankfully one of my tiny voices keeps reminding me to refrain from doing that and it also says...if you want to know what they would think...then ask them.

This is why I'm an advocate for children making decisions from the start. So when it comes time for them to make the big decisions in their lives once older they're not depending on others opinions to make up their minds.

I started with my issues at the beginning because I have had people tell me I shouldn't be playing derby because of the health issues I have.

I made the choice to join derby and don't really care what others think about it...mainly because... it's been the best thing to help me deal with the rest of my life.

If You're Falling, You're Trying...

It's one if the things we hear all the time at derby practice...

Let's just say I was trying my ass off tonight. lol

I'm sitting here devouring two pieces of chicken after practice with a huge grin on my face.

Practice was great...it wasn't any different then most practices.

Did some warm ups...did some hitting drills...and then...scrimmaged.

I'm sweaty...stinky...and physically exhausted and in pain...definitely need to find a tub...

But I am happier then I have been in weeks and weeks.

No I still haven't passed my laps...and no I may not get to play in next weeks game...

Yet I have a shit eating grin on my face...even though I got a cutting penalty and an insubordination penalty during the scrimmage...
Hey I needed to take a minute...lol

I got lead jam twice out of three times jamming.

The feel at practices is so much different. People are way more encouraging of each other.
We have new teams...new team names...new team mates...
It's way more awesome.

Though in the last couple of weeks there has been a tonne of people telling me I have small feet.

I've just recruited 15 new people for the Freshmeat program.

We're going to have a full year type of schedule...with games in April, May and June
Going to slow down in July and August...and then go back to a game schedule in September.

So happy we have a year round home!

Team names...
Rink Rash Rebels
Sisters of Anarchy
Doomsday Darlings

Not sure if I'm supposed to say anything...so...shh...lol

Oh! I'm a Sister of Anarchy. I totally want to rock a nuns habit at least once...lmao
I do have a costume...muahaha...

I'm in such a happy place right now. Even though I have a reoccurring bruise on my toe...it's weird.