I Think We're Alone Now, There Doesn't Seem To Be Anyone Around...

I'm frustrated.

I think that's evident with the snippet of a post I did last night.

Do you know what it's like to actually need someone in your life? ~ House

I've gotten really depressed.

anyone who knows me knows that, that is not the easiest thing for me to admit...

we all have our ups and downs...I admit to my down days but without them I can't enjoy the ups, right?
I never liked being on anti-depressants they made every day the same there was no downs but there was also no ups... and I hated feeling the same emotion when I was at the grocery store buying dish soap as I did when I would have an orgasm...

I didn't like walking around with a cloud in my head... it just didn't feel right.

I knew February was going to be bad... even gave warning... even asked for help... I wasn't anticipating having to spend the month by myself... The Boychild is here and the Manchild has been coming on the weekends... but I'm still alone. I take care of them and make sure they have what they need and we even play together and watch movies together... But they're still kids.

My two confidants aren't here...in any capacity. Generally, one is here and one is a phone call away... now the one isn't here and the other doesn't appear to be a phone call away for the last couple of weeks.

I've been feeling so alone.

The last week has been more horrible then it has been good... I've had a couple of good days... but generally... not so much.

I had some upset on Thursday that left me crying on the phone with the Man at 1:30 in the morning... I ended up sending Big Daddy a message while he was at work asking for a sweet message, he obliged which lifted my spirits because after I got off the phone with the Man I found myself bawling while I was trying to wash my face. I'm glad he sent me a couple texts. I was able to calm myself down and was able to get to sleep...I woke up and felt better on Friday which was good because I was heading out of town for Friday night and spending the night and all day Saturday with 5 other women.  I had a good time with them.

I feel like I'm lacking... big time.

Today was a bit of a slap like Thursday was... and here's why.

Thursday I found out that the Manchild's father bought him a brand new expensive laptop as a birthday present... I cried... why? because I could never get him something like that. Not that I don't want to, just I can't afford it.
Today... it was the Manchild's birthday... my mother bought him a brand new digital camera...

I know it's not a competition... but.. I can't compete.

His father has given him a laptop, allowed him his cell phone, bought him his Zune, a 30" flat screen TV and PS3 and pretty much any video game he wants when it first comes out.

Which I think is why he's never really wanted to come and live with me. It makes me feel horrible. Makes me feel worthless. It was after finding out about this and seeing how much it had affected me on Thursday that I realized it was more then just being down about Feb 14th and that I've just become depressed.

I don't trust the people who have offered to be  there for me... some with good reason... some only because I'm gun-shy about talking to women anymore.

You tell a man about something that's bothering you... they don't tell anyone. They pack it away in the box in their brains labelled 'someone elses crap' and then go on their way. Women's brains don't work like that... they're constantly thinking about stuff and seeing how stuff relates to other stuff. So when they end up talking to others if they see something in the conversation that relates to something you've told them, they'll pass it on as a tidbit of either advice or what not to do or to make themselves look or feel better...
Most men don't really seem judgmental, mind you with men they tend to want to take action... with me...I need them to take action I just need them to listen, acknowledge, make a statement and maybe ask a question... that's it... *shrugs*

I know I don't have many friends... I have 5. 5 that I counted as my close friends... 1 last week told me that they thought our friendship had turned 'fragile' (not sure how or what they mean)... 1 doesn't tend to talk to me too much unless he's coming to the country... 1 is 6 hours away helping his mom... and 1 is barely talking to me for some reason... the last one... she's got her own stuff to deal with that she doesn't need to hear about my complaining all the time.
So it's no wonder I've been feeling alone.

The 5 women I was with this past weekend... 1 I barely know and is more of a friend of a friend... 2 of them are really good friends with each other and I don't know them very well only about a year or two... the other 2...well I've had issues with them in the past and I'm not ready to trust them fully as of yet again.

I'm sure that this post has already gone on and on enough... and I know that there are other things that I'd like to say but I'm feeling really drained now and I'm not sure if I added anything else if it would make much sense.

I need to get everything ready before I have to take the Boychild to school in the morning.