This Too Shall Pass?

It's times like these over the last couple of years that I would take to cyber space and message Bing about all the shit that's happening this past week...but instead of waking up sad, stressed and thinking to myself 'I want to talk to Bing'...

I've woken up sad, stressed and thinking 'I wish I could just sleep it all away' or even 'I have no one to talk to'
and by no one I mean someone who is a third party not involved and really wouldn't judge the situation overly and would just let me cry and vent...

too many times people don't just listen...they listen and then offer suggestions or straight out tell you what you should do...

most of the time Bing would just listen...shrug and pretty much paraphrase 'this too shall pass'...

I realized in the car on the way home that I had really missed having someone like that...

oh well... guess I'll just have to keep repeating it over and over to myself instead...

The Man is very supportive as he always is...but he of course is in the thick of it as well...so not exactly non-biased of the situation.

I'm hoping this weekend will help a lot maybe a lot of the tensions will go down and everything will settle a bit... let's just say that I'm so glad this week is coming to a close.

Cold Enough For Ya?

It's -13 degrees...(Celsius that is...) with the windchill it was (last night -21) I know because as I stood outside on the front porch shivering my ass off having a smoke I checked the weather on my phone...

In the house...it was... -13 degrees...

It was so cold last night when I went to bed I was wrapped up in my polar fleece housecoat with my fuzzy socks on, under our duvet (and sheets)...I was just going to lay like that until I warmed up a bit.

Laying there reading the nook there was actually condensation on the screen because of my breathing while reading, adjusted the position of it so I wasn't breathing on it and tried to continue reading but couldn't see the screen properly because of the fact that I could see my breath...so I slipped under the blanket tented it a bit and kept reading completely under the blanket...obviously the cold had started to affect the nook because it went a bit wonky a couple of times...seems all good again though it warmed up a bit while under the blankets...

I have never felt so cold save for once...not this past trip to Reno but the one before that...

it's supposed to be down in the negatives for a bit yet so it looks like I'll be digging out the electric blanket to put it back on our bed...

and giving the kids a couple of extra blankets as well...

the heating in this house has always been fucked up... (as to say there is no source of heating in our bedroom at all)... but this year it's been especially fucked up because usually the radiators that provide heat for upstairs  at least work... this year...not so much...

there's been some talk about finding a new place to move to but I was seriously wanting to try to save up to move farther away...but I don't think that will be possible with the amount of rent we pay each month...so instead we'll save up so that we can move out into a smaller place that is hopefully more affordable and better on the utility bills...

until then... more blankets and the electric blanket for us...and hope that winter decides to not last very long and and goes back to being a bit milder...

Suppose it would be good to get out of this house and away from it's ghosts for me as well...

The Man and I ringing in the new year...so excited about the new year.

Weigh In #10

I was not looking forward to doing this weigh in at all this month.

Not only had I not been back to the gym in nearly 4 months but I had (as I've stated plenty of times) been a complete and utter asshole to myself pretty much since November.

So I figured I'd gained weight as well as inches and that was also part of why the depression was coming back full force as well as some other icky things like some gas and some acne and some irritability and also the cramping during my periods.

So after it seemed like some of my bloating went away from my period earlier this month I decided it was now time to finally do my stupid weigh in...(I actually did it 3 or 4 days ago...just getting around to posting it)

I'm really not a happy camper....but not going to complain as I only have myself to blame for these icky results...

Ankles - L 9.5 (same)  R 8.5 (-0.25)
Calves - L 15.5 (+0.25) R 15 (same)
Thighs - L 22 (+1.5) R 22 (+0.5)
Wrists - L 6.25 (same) R 6.25 (-0.25)
Forearms - L 9.25 (-1) R 9.75 (-0.75)
Biceps - L 12.5 (+0.5) R 12.25 (+0.25)

Hips - 41.25 (+1.25)
Belly - 37.5 (-1)
Waist - 33 (-0.5)
Underbust - 33.25 (-0.25)
Overbust - 38.25 (-1.75)
Neck - 14 (same)

Weight - 174.2  (+4.2lbs) *sad face*

So I woke up this morning...not in a good mood at all...there was actually some crying to be had before I left...that's how not good it was (though completely unrelated to my weight or measurements)...I gathered up some clothes and my swipe card...and off to the Y I went to get my workout on.

Needless to say that after 4 months of not a whole lot of activity save for some that happens in the bedroom...I am a bit sore this evening and can only imagine what it's going to be like tomorrow morning when I get up to go back to do some cardio...

The Man and I have decided...full workouts on Monday, Wednesday and Friday...and Cardio on Tuesdays and Thursdays...
I need to find the motivation to get up and go.  It's hard though when most days you don't even want to get out of bed.

I really wanted to talk a bit about my horrible sleep, stupid too realistic dreams, and my sucky mood but...like I said before...I don't feel quite yet that I can relay those sorts of things out there yet...

Needless to say a snuggle with the Man and the reassurance that I'm not a horrible person helped me perk up enough to get my ass to the gym...gotta love him.

I'm also hoping that the exercise will not only help me get back on track to losing weight, toning up and being healthy...but also make me so tired by the end of the day that I pass out and don't remember any of my dreams. My subconscious is an effin' bitch and I wish it would let me sleep in peace.

Can't Seem To Quit.

Oh my god...

So much to say but then I sit down and look at this blank white [age and wonder to myself how relevant anything I type will actually be... will it make any sense...will I just ramble on cryptically just to get stuff out of my system...should I just out and out say stuff...

Been trying to be very stoic about the shite in my head... it's not all emo shit there's been lots going on... but there is a lot of emotional shite tied up with all the goings on...

Hence my escaping I suppose.

Not really online for the most part...not really wanting to interact with the public...not really even wanting to do anything here...just wanting to veg...outside of my head...


A trinket so personal that I can wear that has so much meaning to both brings a comfortable feeling of closeness that I no longer have anymore, shouldn't really have anymore and really will likely never ever have anymore beyond the wearing of the thing.

Meh...I need a smoke.

Then I'll be as right as rain.

Three Months and Three Days.

Wow...the 17th eh...

I didn't really realize it had been that long since my last post. Well I mean I suppose I sort of did since I kept saying to myself throughout the month 'I really should sit down and blog'...

Some of the video games rec'd for Christmas

I've been hitting the escapism pretty hard...tv shows, movies, books, video games...If I'm not using the PS3 to play one of my games then I'm at my desk playing games on my new phone while watching a movie or tv show or I'm in bed reading a book...The nook truly is getting a run...I've used it everyday/night since before it was technically given to me...I've read 13 novels and at least 16 short stories/novellas  since early October...yeah where's the English teachers reading competitions now...now I'd actually be willing to participate...

I suppose at some point I should say 'oh merry christmas and happy new year' but frankly...don't give a shit...

Yes. Colouring Books. 

Even now while I'm sitting here typing this I keep getting distracted by my email, my facebook my phone... I think part of the problem has become that blogging isn't as cathartic as it used to be for me...I can't say all the things I'd like to say in my posts anymore...I feel as though I have to keep some stuff to myself now for fear that it might upset someone... not sure why...not sure why I'm even concerning myself with that...but... *shrugs*

That's the feeling I've been getting...so it's not like I'm not posting because I have nothing to say or nothing to talk about...I guess I just get this feeling like I can't talk as freely as I'd like too...sort of defeats the purpose of journalling for therapeutic reasons doesn't it...

So I suppose I'll just talk about the shallow stuffs for now and see if I can't get back into the swing of it and trusting my blog again...

Some Board Games that we Rec'd unsure about the Twister...

I suppose I should have been doing my weigh in today since it is not only the beginning of a month but also the beginning of the new year...however...I've been such an asshole over the holiday season...such an asshole....and also I have my period and there's no way between being an asshole AND having my period that I'm doing my measurements...so I'll wait until the period part moves on and only the asshole part is left...so I'm sure I'll get to that in the next couple of days....and likely when the boys have gone back to school...not saying I look horribly fat or anything like that...I just have noticed that I haven't been as flat as I had been getting...damn holidays...damn hot chocolate and hot apple ciders being so tasty...That's not the only things that did me in over the holiday but...not going to waste the time to list them all...

So...going back...

My MIL is my Kitchen Fairy at Xmas time.

Christmas was good...went to Krammit's and had dinner with her and the kids, got together with my Dad and his girlfriend (whom I finally got to meet), went to Mum's on Christmas Eve....(that was weird and awkward), went back to Mum's Christmas morning (apparently whatever was 'wrong' worked itself out) The Man and the Boychild and I, all went out for Chinese dinner on Christmas day then we went to go see The Hobbit...Boxing Day ended up a shopping day after all...and yeah then The Man's mom came down to visit last night and took us out for dinner...

It was a good Christmas for us in a geeky sense... got some cool games both tabletop wise as well as console wise...got some cool new gadgets...new 2 TB HDD, The Man and I got new cellphones (as did the Boychild as well), new HDD for the PS3 (which The Man is having a bitch of a time trying to back up so that we all don't get upset about losing our games - he's very determined been at it for nearly a week)...

Kids at Krammits

new sock monkey slippers

I got some cool stuff as well...some monkeys to add to my growing collection, some new stuff for my skates,  new colouring books (yeah I know that sounds weird...I take my therapy where I can get it), new skull candy earbuds, some new clothes since most of mine don't fit, a new Rainbow Dash little figurine...what I find interesting is the fact that the stuff we got ourselves after christmas is what I get the most excited about...even though people asked before the holiday 'what do you want'... I gave them all the same answer...and didn't get that...

I get really tired when my family asks 'What do you want for Christmas?' and when I actually give them an answer (which is within reason...) still don't get it. I understand not getting me a new phone, or buying me a new hard drive, or an e-reader or even a video game because for the most part...those are the expensive things. I told everyone this year that all I wanted for Christmas was gift certificates to The Freshmeat Shoppe (derby store) not one of the 5 people I said that to got me one. Wouldn't have even cared if it was a 10$ GC because then it at least would tell me that an effort was made to truly get me something I actually wanted. *shrugs*

Me looking impressed in my new hat

I'm sure that someone would or possibly will come along and smack a #firstworldproblems label on my forehead...but really...it's not that I'm not thankful for the stuff I received and made sure to thank all of them...but don't ask me what I want if you have no intention of listening to the answer

that goes for all aspects of my life and not just in the gift giving arena... don't ask if you really aren't going to listen or care

I have to say the best person for that is Bing... he just doesn't ask...lol ~ let's me know what's what right there, it's rather refreshing in ways....instead of people asking and pretending to care and listen...he follows the mandate of just don't ask...

But anyway...

I asked Burton before Christmas... Is it odd that two of my exes are sending me Christmas gifts?
She said 'Yeah Kinda'

DrunkenMonkey sent me a gift...which was unexpected as he had never sent/given me anything for the last 10 years...lol
It was a cute masked and caped monkey from ThinkGeek...man I love that website... it seems appropriate a gift since it was he that seemed to keep swooping in when I needed someone to talk to while I was in Reno...

NYE Fondue. Great Idea. Shall keep doing it.

And I think this is where I'm going to leave off for now as I'm about to venture down avenues I'd really rather avoid at the moment...

Oh and just as a quick aside...I love...Love LOVE British television...just sayin.