Just Breathe...

Earlier today I was attempting to make up a post while on my phone and also in the middle of a bit of a mental break...my phone was being an asshat and not allowing me into blogger so that I could type up said post...

Now that I'm home and in a much more peaceful state of mind... I'm really quite happy that my phone prevented  me from being able to post.

Sometimes I think that I shouldn't expose myself to new people and should just save them the hassle of getting to know me, because I can be such a handful at times and trying to the most saintly...

Those that know me really well know that I'm a fairly intense and passionate person. Not necessarily negative and yet not necessarily positive things either. It's just how I am. As I said in a chat earlier today... My happiness when I have it is intense, my sadness is intense, my anger is intense and when horny...well that gets pretty intense...lol
It's like when they were handing out the doses of emotions to everyone I got greedy and ended up with 3 doses to everyone elses 1 dose.

I no longer apologize for this. It's who I am. It's likely why I have to deal with depression.

Where a text message from my Mum asking me if I'd like to come over for Thanksgiving and that she loves me can bring me to tears.

However, that intensity can bring a whole other level of awesomeness when it comes in the form of sex... may also explain a bit about my insatiable never ending libido as well... hmm now there's one I hadn't thought of.

My reward centre is fucked...when it wants something it wants it now and it doesn't want to stop getting it...lol

Anyway... I digress...

Today was a low day... A day were I was preparing for a painful hurt that hasn't happened and doesn't exist. I was prepping for an end that isn't in sight. I tried to skate it out, because sometimes that really helps...today it didn't. I tried laying in the bath and just tried to meditate and relax and let it go...and that didn't help.

I started chatting it out with Burton...and by 'started chatting it out' I sort of blind-sided her with a bit of a meltdown... Sometimes a level head that's 3000 miles away is what you need. And the convincing me that I should just say something to Sugarbear instead of fretting over what was probably nothing...
btw - no probably about it... it was nothing.
not that I want to discredit my own emotions...just sometimes they are like a run away train...especially around the end of the month...lol

I need to stop complicating shit...and I need to stop letting my brain convince me that everything is going to go to shit.

I also realized that I need to go back to taking my vitamin D...especially now that we'll be heading into winter again.

Taking a deep breath...

On the list of things marked as 'Other'...
I'm officially finished my job, need to find another it seems.
Skating is going to resume this Thursday,,,can't wait to get back to training. Although not looking forward to all the 'business' that goes along with the league.
I've been so sad, my beautiful friend Monette's 24 year old daughter died. And just a couple weeks ago my wonderful friend Judy lost her battle with cancer, leaving her lovely wife Oklahoma behind. I'm too far away from either of them to even give them a hug and tell them I love them.
Also.. I CANNOT wait until the hallowe'en party that's coming up in 24 days...!!

Hallowe'en 2012

Hallowe'en 2013

Don't Play Well With Others...

That territorial thing is kicking in again...and I don't like it.

As I pointed out in a conversation I was having earlier today in a chat... "And you know me... I'm the jealous type that doesn't play well with others and not really good at sharing my toys..."

I think I need to step back a moment...reassess and see where to go from there... I will not fall back into the routine that comes with the territorial behaviours...it just makes me ugly...

I just want it all to stay as it was at that moment on Monday morning... 

I don't want to be invisible.

I love having impromptu Skype dates with my wifey (Burton) on a random Sunday night.
I was glad to catch up with her about her weekend last weekend when she was in Portland at a convention.
It made me step back from a blog post I was sitting down to make which probably would have been a lot of wondering and explaining...and blathering on about some other stuff (which I will likely still get to...eventually).

I miss my wife.

On Thursday I went out with Piper (haven't gone out for a while with him) he  picked me up and we went and sat in the truck out by the river in N-O-T-L out by one of the wineries.
Got caught up on life and had some happy leaf that got me semi distracted from our conversation...do believe I kept texting Sugarbear telling him how I wish he was home that night...
He tried to make a move on me... *shakes head*  gotta say 'happy leaf' makes me really fucking horny...however...not so much so that I forget my place...

I ended up working on Friday...I think it was my last shift...not sure that's all up in the air...but with the way that Farmer is going and pissing me off lately...not sad that it would be my last shift. Must admit though that I had more fun at this job then I've had at most of the others I've had.  I didn't mind packing the fruit...and the people I was working with...all truly interesting stories unto themselves. I'm glad for the experience.

Got to chit the chat with Squasha for a bit back and forth via What'sApp...he went off to Germany for Oktoberfest...nice. I seriously would love to be able to go to visit him in Switzerland...take some trips around to other places in Europe...

Oh...my pipe dreams...they are vast...lol

but any way...

The week started out great...it was my birthday and I got my way (To get a hug and a kiss from both the men I lurves on my birthday - I'm easy to please sometimes.)... I slept at Sugarbears place Sunday night (which I don't normally do) woke up with him at 4:30 in the morning...had a few minutes of snuggle time where I got a sincere yet sleepy sounding happy birthday from him before he got up to get ready for work.
I got up threw on my clothes and came home after getting some more hugs and kisses and another happy birthday from SB in the drive.
Got home...a very sleepy and yet happy dog gave me some kisses before I told him to go back to sleep and slipped into bed with The Man, who gave me a hug and wished me a happy birthday before going back to sleep...
Later in the morning... he took me for breakfast which was nice. :)

Tuesday...things went a bit wonky and I felt as though I got punched in the gut. (not going into great detail...) found Sugarbear on another social media site of sorts and noticed that on his profile it said that he was single, looking for a relationship and a couple of other things.
It made me sad at first...and then I got angry...really angry.
I felt that he had lied to me and that he was just using me.
If ever there was anything that would make me pick up shop and leave...it's lying.
I didn't and still don't care if he has the profile, the thing that bothered me was that it stated that he is looking...

I wasn't going to say anything about it until he got home on Friday and was going to discuss it with him then but...before I was leaving to go to a 'birthday skate' I just couldn't not say something.
My feelings had been hurt and I felt used, betrayed and not good enough.
We had had a conversation about the two of us not too long ago where it was a case of we were happy being together and that we wouldn't be looking for or having sex with anyone else... (sort of a big thing for me...) So to come across that I... I'm not even sure how to describe it...I just felt deflated...like all the air had been sucked out of the room for a moment.

Now yes we know that I can sometimes over react to stuff, however, I think I handled it pretty well when we were talking (via text - which btw big fucking kudos to him for starting the response with - 'I can't respond to this in text, won't get it worded correctly...' - text is a tricky fucking format when having a discussion with someone.)

So we talked it out and I thought, ok well knowing now that it bothers me I'm assuming he'll change it.
I felt much better having the reassurance there that he in fact is not looking and is quite happy in this non-relationship relationship that we seem to be in...lol (whatevs everyone calls him my boyfriend and me his girlfriend... people seem to need labels...)

Fast-forward to a couple days later (i.e. Thursday evening - after I got home from going for a smoke with Piper), I saw on my 'friend feed' that he had been active and what not while I was checking my messages. So I went over to his profile to see that we now have a mutual friend and chuckled at myself at who it was/is, and then noticed that it still said that he was/is looking for a relationship.

Didn't even get mad...got really disheartened...though didn't even really say anything about it until earlier this evening (Sunday) before I was leaving.

It bothers me. Shouldn't it?
Think what bothers me the most is the fact that by saying he's available and looking for possible relationships it tells me (even if it's not meant to convey this message) that I'm not important. I'm not good enough. He's keeping his options open in case something else comes along. I'm short term.

I've been these things. To others, I've been the weekend fling. The 'until someone better comes along'. The 'you're awesome and great but we can't be together'. The 'I love you but you're too much...'.

I've been made to feel unimportant, and the dirty little secret. I don't like it. I don't want to be that any more. Just made me feel like he's ashamed of me.

I know he doesn't love me, he's been quite up front and honest about that. There's a difference though. I'm not asking him to put anything up about the two of us being together, but to just not advertise that he's looking.

In comparison to how I used to be this is definitely not me over reacting but actually I think handling it so much better, because at least I'm saying out loud to him what bothers me and why it bothers me. Much better then clamming up and saying nothing is wrong and stewing over it for weeks and being passive aggressively bitchy...

It's the first thing that has really bothered me in the last 9 months with him. Seems so very minute of a thing and yet...

 .... meh.

Onward...

The house is coming along great for the hallowe'en party that we're throwing... Sugarbear and Myself are hosting, The Man has been awesome coming over to help me with decorating during the week...which sort of weirds Leethal out when she comes to help. I think she's still trying to wrap her head around our relationships. Last weekend, The Man came over to help Sugarbear with a
I personally love seeing the two of them together. Sure they are completely different, and yet have a few different similarities...probably how/why I love 'em both.
pool table. Then they headed to The Man's fathers house (45 mins or so away) to pick up a fridge and stove, then they moved a washer out to the road and moved the fridge and stove in... (The Man also came over in the summer-ish time to help Sugarbear build his deck) I told Leethal about the two of them working together on this stuff and she was just like 'Whaaat? I don't...what?! Really? They're alright together??'

Figured out some lighting issues thanks to Sugarbears creative thinking...so I'm feeling better about the light level in the house for the party. I'm getting really excited about how it's coming together.

Can't wait to post some pics of the finished product. I have people who can't make it to the party but they've asked if they could have a tour of the house when it's finished.

Went out with Sugarbear and The Man on Saturday, we were supposed to go see one of my favourite local bands, showed up at the place and it was packed and there was a big tent outside...didn't realize the kick off of grape and wine was going to be so big at this particular bar. So we got some drinks, listened to a few songs and then the tent portion was finished for the evening...and it was going to be impossible to get inside to the bar... so I'm hoping that we can maybe go next weekend to see them at another bar in town... 1st best part of my evening (the one that happened first) holding both of their hands whilst walking back to the car.... :)
If you want to hear about the other 'best parts of my evening' you'll have to subscribe to the R rated version...lol

....going to have to catch up in another post on another day...it's now getting on to 3:30 a.m.... I need to sleep...

Wowzers..too long...

Wow.

I haven't written anything since like July... I'm not even sure where to start to tell you the truth.

SB and I are still doing the weekend thing...I'm still crazy about him and he still kind of drives me crazy...in good and bad ways.

The Man and I are still doing what we do...

The kids are still growing up and older and turning into interesting young men that I still adore.

Burton is still doing the 'living in California' thing and I hate it. I miss my wifey every day.

I miss the desert.

I've been decorating SB's house for a Hallowe'en party that we're throwing on the 25th of October. We just picked up our costumes the other day...we got a 'couples' costume...both being characters from a specific story/movie/video game... first time I've done that...

I can't remember if when I was a nun, the Man was the priest or if we had done those on different years.

Bing had a birthday.

I got a job... I don't like the job but I do have a lot of fun at work.

As I sit here typing this I am wearing a fez.

I got to play my first season of roller derby...the league is on hiatus at the moment...we're doing some restructuring...if things don't change I'll likely leave I'm tired of the petty bullshit that happens.

My body has ached every day since the beginning of July.

I need to go see Dr Awesome... I think I have the hip of an 80 year old woman.

SB has done things to me while in bed that I've never done with another person...which is saying a lot considering what his number is.

I miss Squasha.

I've been missing skating...haven't had my skates on since the 28th of August... it sucks that the league has to go searching out a place to call home during the winter months.

me. in a fez. crazy.

...

That is my lame attempt at a blog post this evening....

One Day... I'll Figure Out How To Kill It...

Ever since I was a little girl I have had body image issues...

That is not an uncommon thing to hear someone say nowadays...

I grew up being put on diets so I could fit in my spring recital costumes for dancing...being called a lard ass or fat ass when weighing 125 lbs... It takes it's toll on you when you're put down about the way you look or your weight...
After having my first son I thought I was flawed and that the stretch marks on my thighs, breasts, stomach and hips would make me undesirable to anyone...

I met a woman who tried very hard to get it through my head that stretch marks should be thought of as 'tiger stripes' or 'badges of honour'... even now that's what I'll tell other women who self-shame themselves about theirs...even as I look in a mirror and wish that my stomach would be smooth...
It's never been flat...I always had a small ponch on my stomach...not realizing when  I was younger that it was a lot smaller in reality then it was in my imagination... looking back I'd like to go smack my younger self for thinking and believing that I was fat... I had curves and was sexy...

I still have curves and am told that I'm sexy... I find it hard to believe it though...

The Man and I have been together for 16 years... he has seen me at my smallest weight of 105 lbs and seen me at my largest of 250ish lbs... and never once has ever said anything negatively to me about my weight... and yet I still have this inner struggle...

I'll walk around in next to nothing, in only a sarong...or wear form fitting clothes...or tight jeans... now.

But even a couple of years ago I wouldn't...

I've said many times that even when I weighed my heaviest...I never 'felt' fat... I knew I was a big girl... there are men out there that love them some plus sized girls...so I would feel desired...even though I would still look in a mirror and say...but I could use to lose a couple of pounds...and always dreamed of a smooth stomach again...

I know if I eat right and get more exercise I could go back down (losing some of the weight that I gained back in the last year) again...

I've been with men who have said they enjoyed my company and told me that they think that I'm sexy...

but it had been a really long time since a man ran his hands over my naked body in a lit room and told me that I have a beautiful sexy body...

I nearly cried a little...as I said one word... 'Really?'

No matter how much I preach positive body image to other women and tell them to love themselves and take care of themselves and don't settle for a man who won't love you the way you are...

I still dislike my own and seem to find it hard to believe that someone could look past, what I think are my flaws, and love my body just the way it is...

Even now as I sit in my sports bra and a pair of jogging pants and look down at my stretch mark covered stomach... there's a small voice inside my head that says 'yeah but he was drinking that night, so maybe he didn't really mean it...' or 'well maybe he was just saying that because he thought that's what you wanted to hear...'

That tiny voice that never lets me enjoy and savour the fact that someone told me that they found me desirable... I try very hard to tell that tiny voice to fuck off...unfortunately it's the same inner voice that feeds most of my fears... but that's for another day...