She Feels Like Kicking Out All The Windows...And Setting Fire To This Life

So quick before I have to do my hair for this meeting tonight...

The man asked me during a moment of weakness... would I be interested if we could get the start up would I be willing to open a store here in the city...

not sure what I was thinking... said yes.

So as you can imagine from my name 'The Witchdoctor' (given to me by a friend) and the content of my blog being very pagan in nature due to the fact.. oh hey look at me.. I'm a witch! ;)

it would be an occult shop... the city is seriously lacking one... there is a very new age type store on the west end of the city but it's over priced due to it being in a strip mall...

It would be nice to do... don't know about getting the start up for it though... *shrugs* filed away as something that may happen... we'll see...

I'm off to a meeting tonight at Lions... dressing up in last years costume... after I get home around midnight I'll be headed into the temple for a healing ritual I'm going to be doing for my friend who's heading to surgery tomorrow morning...

Scary ass shit... So I'll have a couple hours between meeting and ritual to just chill out and relax...

Alright... must go do my hair... glad I'm not doing this again on Friday...

Bitch Looks Like a Werewolf Wearing a Thong Sometimes

Look Ma No Sleep!! (oh yeah... and no hands!)

Yes ladies and gentlemen welcome to the 25th and 1/2 hour of me with no sleep...

people ask me how I do it... well it takes talent, perservereance, hard work, dedication and practice practice practice...

Now you may also ask "why do you do it?!"

Is it the fuzzy headed-ness that comes around hour 20 or so?

Is it the nausea that comes at hour 23?

Is it the muscle aches and pains that comes around hour 21?

or maybe...

Is it the heavy eye lids at hour 24 that keep ya doing it?

No kids... its the exhaustion...

It's making yourself get to that sweet point of exhaustion where you know that when you do finally slip into bed and know that as soon as you close your eyes nothing else will be in your mind but.. sleep.

Sweet... dreamless... restful sleep...

Sleep that doesn't let your mind wander because it's too busy trying to recoup...

I was going to say something about people coming to my blog and read it nearly daily who don't even care or like me anymore... but.. meh. too tired and not worth it...

I apparently am Bing-less til Wednesday... ick... meeting on Wed, ritual Wed night after said meeting... so yeah... maybe Thursday then... I think I just cried a little at that thought... *sighs*

I just got side tracked checking my mail. Wow for like 10 minutes.

Seriously think it might be time to get some sleep....

Oh here's some fun.. Friday is the Witches Ball... and Saturday is Samhain... trick or treating... ritual... big feast... fun fun fun...

*looks at above statement, and then the above the above the above statement and shakes her head*

*yawns* ... yeah... laters.

Enh... started listening to ICP and decided to push through the tired as long as I can... longest is four days... should I go for a win and pass that?

there's like a tonne I want to write about... but ... just can't figure out how to say it... all kinds of shit spinnin' and flippin' around in my head... bah anyway...

Driving Fast Now... Don't Think I Know How To Go Slow

Well it's official... the man and I have given up... after just over 2 years of trying to have a baby we've throw in the towel so to speak... it's probably for the best... but still bugs me...

For two years it's killed me when I've found out others around me are pregnant or just had babies... and then I torture myself by actually listening to them tell me all about it instead of quietly excusing myself from the conversations when deep down inside all I wanted to do was scream at them to shut up... I think I've done rather well...

The pain hurts so bad... my heart is broken right now... I'm not feeling well and I just want to crawl into bed and sleep until I can't anymore... But unfortunately I have a class tonight... distractions... right, mi amor?

*sighs* So I pull up my big girl panties and suck it up, buck up and keep my chin up... miss any cliches there? ... Yeah I've been doing that for two years... I'm sick of hiding behind the mask of calm, cool, serene, unwaivering... I would like to just wallow for just a few stinking moments without someone telling me it's going to be alright... or that it'll be ok... I just want someone to hold me so I can cry it out of my system... without them trying to make me feel better... to just be there with a shoulder... or two...

An hour and a half wait down at the medical centre to have less then a five minute appointment to pretty much say there's nothing else without referring us to the centre in Hamilton... yeah.. no... so walked home and tried to not think about it too much...

So now... I haven't slept at all... I'm looking at the clock and thinking 'shit class in 5 hours... So I need to drag my 'happy' ass to get some sleep... I think I"m coming down with something again... who knows... maybe more trips to the hospital are in my future...

And I Realize I'm Never Gonna Quit You Over Time

It was seven years ago today that my familiar died in my arms... his name was Ares and he was the best cat in the world...

There has been a few times when I go to talk to Oynx (my cat now) and I've accidentally called him Airball... or Ares.. or one of the many other name I had for Ares... I end up apologizing to Oynx but he comes to all of Ares' nicknames and just cants his head to the side when I slip and call him Ares.

In the seven years since Ares died I've had other cats, even other black cats that I never slipped and called them Ares... it's only ever happened with Oynx.

I had almost forgotten all about the anniversary of Ares' death until Oynx (doing something very un-Oynx like) jumped up into my lap last night and curled up to go to sleep. Generally when Onnie wants to lay on me he climbs up on my chest or shoulders or back of my chair. Last night he very quietly curled up in my lap and didn't even seem to mind me tap tap tapping away on the keyboard beside his ear. He stayed like that long enough that my legs actually started to hurt because I hadn't moved them in so long.

that's it for now... have to go get ready to go for womens circle tonight...

My Life Would Suck Without You

Long day today...

did a house cleansing with the man and a friend of ours... there was a fair amount of yuckiness coming from the one end of the house... so we're downstairs and grandma comes home... I'm thinking 'oh crap' now we have to explain what's going on... why the house is full of smudge smoke... the friend we were doing it with/for just greeted her grandmother and told her what we were doing... 'a house blessing'... well that's exactly what we were doing... the grandmother is extremely religious as a roman catholic and she's 94... I found the grandmother to be quite open about what we were doing when explained that we were asking God to bless the house and all the people who reside in it... also found out that she enjoyed a lovely lunch with her brother at red lobster... *laughs*

came home and relaxed... talked to Krammit... whined to her a bit about present situations... got the pat on the back and the 'keep your eye on the prize' talk... *chuckles*

got ready for my meeting...

Went and told them my ideas and told them about the forum... they seemed to like the talk I gave... I dunno...

I ended up signing up to be the one up dating the website for the club... more work but at least work I don't have to get up from my desk to do...

back home did some stuff on the game...

talked to my Bing... for not nearly as I would have liked too... but totally not going to complain about the hour I did get... my new mantra... I'm happy with the time I get... yeah if I keep repeating that enough hopefully it'll come true... *laughs*

keeping my eye on the big prize... enjoying the now... looking toward the future...

the man is sick... migraine and sick... not a pretty sight... though he seemed to be feeling much better today... helped with the house cleansing... that made me very happy...

the kidlets are both good... man child got a hair cut... says he didn't like his pictures so he's going to get retakes done at school... wouldn't even let me see the proofs that came in...

boy child got his proofs in but we think we may go with retakes and take our chances... he said he'll try to do a better smile this time... *laughs* he didn't really smile at all... no dimples showing nothing...

I've been having some problems sleeping lately... but I'm fairly certain that I know what that's from and if that's the case then I'll be having sleeping issues for at least another six months.... :(

Sleep In Peace When Day Is Done

I really did want to sit down and do up a new blog post...

and now that I am... I'm just too emotionally drained...

had a rough day

and never did get any better at the end... even doing the normal things to try to cheer up from it...

*sighs*

Oh well... can only hope that tomorrow will be better.

Hope you had a good day.

Lo siento mi amor.

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The Human Tragedy Consists In The Necessity Of Living With The Consequences

I should check my horoscope now that it's the end of the day...

See if it says anything about unexpected misunderstandings with a loved one, or unexpected/uninvited guests, or miscommunication from an acquaintance/employer/co-worker...

Because yeah all that shit happened today... on top of... me having to cancel my doc's appt, kidlet didn't go to school, skipped out on my meeting...

hold on one sec... I'm gonna look up m,y horoscope...

Virgo says - See if you can get your friends to see the logic of your position -- but don't expect them to embrace it wholeheartedly. You've got it down cold, but it might actually be a little too cold for them.

Libra says - Your great personal energy makes you want to get out there and try new things -- no matter what! Even if you're slammed with work or home chores, you should still have time for fun.

Hmm nope... see why I don't read them...

*sighs*

I feel like an angry bag of shit...

I was under the impression that we were having fun together... and that we would continue to do so in the days (meaning just future) to come... no expectations... no demands... just come and go as you please or I please... but it was something to do together... *shrugs*

(btw - talking about a game here people... stop always thinking my relationship is falling apart...)

As for the unexpected/uninvited guest...

Yeah generally if people have a problem with me or have an opinion about my life, I tell 'em if you can't talk to me about it then keep it to yourself. I have friends of the same opinion... sometimes things get a little rough... but generally everything works out in the end... so I had a friend who was a huge advocate of this practice... or so I thought... until I'm hearing shit she's saying about my family... do not fuck with my family... you will pay for it if you do...

I know how foreboding... ooo... however.. I am worse then a mama grizzly when you mess with my family...

So this person shows up today at my house... unfortunately about the same time as the inspector and landlord show up... so I couldn't even kill her... there were witnesses.

Anyway... I guess it's just been a real shitty day from the moment it started... spread out to everyone who came into contact with me... and went from there.

New schedules... changes... all sorts of fun is starting... I love this time of year... but it always brings such weirdness with it... once it's settled and the land is blanketed with snow and I only have to have minimum contact with the outside world... oh what a happen camper I will be, it'll be just 'super duper'...

Things I'll be thinking about during the dark times... am I high maintenance? too demanding? do I require too much attention? am I worth the hassle ? see that one has gotten me every year for about 6 years now... I never really knew how much those words hurt me until I found myself asking them of myself...

All those have 'I' in them because well it's time to look within and do soul searching... People during the dark times, end up hearing a lot of...

I just had an epiphany... I just came to the realization... You know what I figured out... I've thought about it and...

I consider myself one of the luckiest people I know... I have men I never fight with... I have two boys who so far are really good... and family that is caring and generous, loyal and loving... usually to a fault but hey we all have those...

I have those pieces that I had been searching for and have come together and made me feel whole...

We've all seen it... Jerry Maguire... "You complete me" ... how many times have you thought that about your lover/spouse/friend?

It's not a silly line from a movie... ok so it is... but so many people feel it... so why do we all think it lame or hokey when others say they feel it about another person...

I love the lame, the cheesy, the hokey, mushy, the embarrassing... you know why? because when you love someone you should let them know... every day... every time you talk to them... tell them how you feel deep inside... you'll type it, or say it in your head and read it or think about it... and go omg I can't send/tell them that! ... they'll think I'm nuts... but they'll walk away going... wow. And if it comes from that special place in your heart... it will be some of the most honest words.

Some of the most heartfelt and touching things come from someone who's embarrassed to say it.

Courage, my word, it didn't come, it doesn't matter,

Courage, it couldn't come at a worse time.

Something that was said to me that I will most likely never forget... because it was super sweet and was completely unexpected... and came from someone that one would never think would get mooshy...

"I was thinking about you tonight...bereft of your eyes, your smile, your voice. It was a singularly unpleasant experience. "

*gets a goofy grin* There was more... but that's all I'm willing to share at the moment...

Tell people that they are important to you...

I think I just made myself feel a little less shitty...

It'd Be Better For Us If You Don't Understand

You don't realize how much you use a body part until you injure it in some way... *sighs*

End of August I was doing something that caused an odd sensation in my left shoulder... I didn't really think about it too much at the time. I just shrugged off the wee bit of pain for the few days afterward, figuring it was just tender from whatever happened...

Fast forward to today...

Every movement of my arm has been causing me to wince in extreme pain. I've asked the Man to remind me on Monday to call the doctor so that I can make an appointment.

According to his doctor you should be able to put your hand behind your back and lift your hand to just above where your bra strap would be (if you're a woman)... If you can't do that you have either muscle weakness or a shoulder injury.

I put my left hand behind my back and lift it to the small of my back and I'm ready to cry. So yeah... I'm thinking I fucked up my shoulder...

And no I'm not going to tell you what I was doing when I messed up my shoulder... :P

*****

Went to Ollie's funeral today... it was alright... very Christian... if I had of thought of it I would have started to count how many times he said God during the service because man it seemed like a million. Though I have to say he impressed be, since he went on to talk about how God is neither male or female, and said the christians screwed it up calling God Father... because it should have been Creator. So was actually an interesting service.

After the service all the pagans in the building went out back and did a chant for Ollie and sent her back to the arms of the God and Goddess in our own way.

Funeral home was ok with that, which was really cool of them as well.

Afterward, we went in and had a bit of lunch, family got to take a couple flowers home each from one of the largest of the bouquets that were sent for her.

It was tough (still is), though I didn't get to see Ollie on a regular basis anymore she was still my Gran and I'm still really going to miss her.

*****

I was totally uber squee last night and this morning... *chuckles*

I couldn't stop grinning, smiling or giggling while talking last night. Friggin' made me feel like some kind of school girl...

Thank ya Bing... ;)

you made me so uber giddy last night and this morning...

*****

Well I'm off as this post has taken me all day to write... started it before the funeral...

all kinds of 'sum-tin' to The Man and Bing...

It Would Seem To Me... I Remember Every Single Fucking Thing I Know

Sometimes when I'm feeling out of sorts (like this evening) for whatever reason I try to find something that has made me happy or lifted my spirits to see if it will do that again.

I'm out of sorts this evening I think mainly because Gran died... well about 24 hrs ago.

But I don't think it's just that which has me sitting here wondering about things...

I've also been getting ideas that I"d like to do for this years Samhain... it'll be the first for the womens circle and I want to do a good one that will be remembered... but as I do the searches on ideas... I'm reminded that we'll be opening the door to the dark times...

The times were we reflect upon ourselves and do some heavy duty soul searching and take an introspective look at ourselves. It can be a tough time for some if not most. From Samhain to Yule... it's a time outside of a time... Samhain is our year end, new year's eve for all intents and purposes... Yule is our first day of the new year... the day the sun is born again. The time in between is considered the dark times. Generally I just try to hibernate a whole lot then. Easier to look at yourself when you're not conscience. *chuckles*

So as the Dark Times approach and the dealing with a family member passing on... I'm feeling not quite right tonight...

So tonight I went digging through my email, as I get some of the best emails... ones that make you laugh or cry or d'aww or some other mooshy emotion... there is one I go back to quite a bit... it's from my Bing... he sent me a beautifully personal email to me on Mother's Day... every time I read it, it just makes me want to hug him...

It made me smile a little tonight... I'd thank him for giving me such a precious gift but he'd probably wave it off or call me silly or some such...

I miss you terribly Bing and I can't wait til you come home.

I'm supposed to be in bed right now... you know since it is 5 am... *sighs*

I just don't see the point of laying in bed staring at the ceiling...

enh I'm jumbled again ...