You never know if you never try... To forgive your past and simply be mine

I have no idea what I talked about in the last post... because well I just didn't take the time to look to see what I had written about... I know that I haven't said too much lately because I've just not been feeling up to saying anything...

I will start off this post by saying I'm an idiot... for oh so many reasons but this time is because I screwed up big time with my pills and have been feeling wonky because of it... my pills are supposed to help my hormone levels stay balanced... but when I forget to take them for three days because of the excitement of an upcoming event...and then try to compensate by taking the three days worth at once... oy vey... so I took the three pills and within an hour I felt so sick...and was so out of whack... went to bed and had real bad night sweats... woke up so terribly irritable and some other emotion that I can't quite put my finger on... and ended up picking a fight with Big Daddy... yeah...that was worth it...*sigh*

Anytime I have an issue with something he's done he pretty much just gets the attitude of 'well then get rid of me if you don't like it' ... *sigh*  I think he's pretty much done with me... I suppose it was only a matter of time... everyone tires of me eventually...
He's become uncommunicative again... and when he does respond he's pretty much being a sarcastic bastard or just barely speaking in sentences... hell I had to make an appointment with him just to get him to talk to me... I just wish he'd fucking do something about his depression... he knows about it, acknowledges it and even uses it as an excuse...

I went to a craft show last weekend and was really disappointed at the fact that absolutely none of my stuff sold...oh wait... that's not entirely true...I had 7 lil bracelets all marked at 50 cents each... yeah... they sold... so woo hoo a big 3.50$ ... I was not impressed in the least... I was trying very hard not to be discouraged and sad... those around me were trying to be supportive and all saying the same things... 'it was your first show' .... 'you'll do better next time' .... blah blah blah doesn't make me feel any better...

bah... I have nothing else productive to say... not that anything I actually wrote is productive in any way... but fuck it...

But You're in Canada. Did they leave a nice apology note?

is it ok to cry now? I'm all by myself again so it would be the time to do it, right?

I could sit here and whine and complain about Big Daddy... but... I'm starting to feel like it's just not worth it anymore... I'm tired of trying to convince him... I'm tired of all the onesided-ness... I'm tired of feeling ignored... I'm tired of being left wondering... I'm tired of feeling like I'm forcing him... I'm feeling really drained and like I'm the only one that wants this... I'm just really tired.
I'm in a funk...he's in a funk... and it just feels like there's nothing I can do about it...

the last day has been crap.

we came home from my mum's and parked the truck in the drive and came in the house... the plan was that the Man was going to get a few hours of sleep and then head back up north to his moms house for the rest of the week to finish up getting the wood...he was leaving so early because his step-father had a doctors appointment today...

He woke up earlier then expected and figured he'd leave at 1am since he was wide awake... so he got all of his stuff ready and went to go get into the truck to leave and realized that the console of the truck was open... after looking around more he realized that there was stuff missing... so between the time we got home 7:30pm and the time he went out at 1am to leave...someone had broken into the truck... and they stole... the gps unit, the user manual for the truck, his wallet, all the change in the console, his mom's cell phone, a gift my mum was sending with him for his mom, and his step father's lil black case with some of his id in it...

*sighs*

so calling the police to report the break-in at 1 am... and come to find out that all they do is give you an incident number and tell you that someone will be in touch in the next 2 to 5 days... oh great.

this morning was spent on the phone telling his mother and step-father...going to the bank to get a new bank card, going to the MTO building to get a new health card, get a new drivers licence...

so we get home after doing all of that and he was only planning on being here for a few minutes to pick up his stuff, call his mother and leave again... in the maybe half hour that we were here... we got a fucking parking ticket in our own driveway... wtf? the back end of the truck apparently was hanging over the sidewalk... how dare we block the sidewalk for 30 mins in the middle of the day...*sighs*

open the mail and (yay got a pic of Burton and the Nerd with a thank you card) we find our hydro bill...eek! and also a letter from the government saying that they want copies of our rent receipts because of going over our taxes again...what??

so today...seems like a Monday disguised as a Tuesday... and frankly after all of this and feeling so low already...I just want to cry...  

dare I say it but..I think I'm damn near perfect for you...

I'll post about Thanksgiving when it's over...which is later on today...

I have to sit and wonder  after a conversation that was had last night...if people ever feel like they're good enough for the ones they're with...

we all have our flaws and faults...we all have those little things we wish we could either make go away or that we could minimize so that we seem more 'normal' to the ones we care deeply for...

then I suppose there are some of us that when get called on our shit we nod and apologize bashfully as we try to remember to not do that again...

I've always tried to be a more 'take me as I am' kind of girl so that there's not a whole lot of surprises to make the other person look at me and go 'wtf that's not what I signed up for?'

One of the things...my things...my little faults...ok not so little... is that I question everything...doesn't seem so bad on the surface but I'm an inquisitive lil shit I tell you what... I question motives, feelings, the way things were said, gestures... unfortunately some of the time (a lot of it) my questions makes it seem like I'm fishing for compliments or something akin to that... when really I'm not...all I'm really doing is trying to sate a curiosity that I have....

Big Daddy once told me that I was like a cat...I think that sort of goes along with the things he listed as why...

I think by and by I'm a pretty ok person... I know I pull off the bravado sometimes of thinking I'm awesome...but I really do have my ego in check... I start wondering about myself when in a relationship to sort of make sure that I'm not being a jackwad...and if I am then I try to keep myself in check...

But what happens when someone else is being the jackwad...you're supposed to call them on their shit right? ...kind of that whole 'keep them honest' thing...? However what happens if they already know they are...?
I know I asked that question before and sort of answered it as well...

Big Daddy calls me on my shit and I appreciate it in the long run even if at the moment it will sting a bit...eventually I will nod and go 'yeah he's right...' but I sort of let him get away with most of his shit... I think it's time for the goose to keep the gander accountable as well... I've not wanted to upset him
but I think after something he said last night that he'll be needing a kick in the butt every now and then...and since I'm such an awesome girlfriend I'll be willing to give it to him...

a friend of mine (Pirate Girl) uses the phrase 'truth walking' when her soon to be PirateMan holds her accountable for things she's said or done...I kinda like it... because it's not a bad thing...

btw he's now used the term girlfriend in regards to talking to or about me twice now...and it's sort of made me smirk and get all warm and fuzzy...even though as a 30+ year old it generally feels weird to use the term anymore... lmao

if I had one wish in the world (which I already told Big Daddy about) it would be that he sees himself the way that I see and love him... I know I should wish for lots of money or something along that lines but I really just wish he could see why it is I have chosen to love him so very much. (not that I could ever choose to stop now...)

and now I have to actually get out of bed and prepare for the annual nerf war and thanksgiving dinner at mum's house...

Dawn has an Ass Crack and it's 5:30 in the Morning...

omfg I'm so tired...

5:30 am... woke up for no reason... laid in bed for nearly two hours trying to go back to sleep...
7:25 am... got up and got the Boychild up and ready for school
8:25am... dropped the Boychild off at school...
8:35am (ish)... went for breakfast with The Man
9:15am (ish)...dropped off the 42" T.V. back at the place where we were rent-to-owning it from
9:55am... go to Best Buy to purchase new 46" T.V. that didn't cost us an arm and a leg and my firstborn...
10:30am(ish)... go to Burton's to drop off her bowl and a dvd
11:05am... go to Belladonna's to drop off her Avon order and pickup money
11:30am(ish)... go to the bank and deposit money
11:45am(ish)... grab a thing of sushi for lunch...have a small picnic in the food court...
12:36pm... went and did my civic duty...voted.
12:50pm... came home...start setting up new T.V.
1:00pm.... realize that we're in need of a cable...and leave again...
2:30pm... get home...put together new T.V. all set up and stuffs are moved around...
3:18 pm... Boychild gets home...makes a sandwich... I start dozing in my chair...
4:45 pm... head to WalMart to get Boychild new shoes...also wander around WalMart...
5:55 pm... take Boychild to karate class and stay there waiting for him...
7:26 pm... get home again and make something quick to feed everyone while packing...
9:27pm... type up blog about how exhausting my day was...

I'll be getting everyone up at the ass crack of dawn (read likely 5am) to head up north to the Man's mother's house where we'll have Thanksgiving with his mom and step dad (who just got home yesterday from the hospital where he had a heart surgery)...

talking about heart surgery...
My next cardiologist appointment is 11/11/11 @ 11am... that had better bring me luck or some shit... considering at that moment I'll be observing two minutes of silent...hope the Doc doesn't mind...in the mean time on Oct 24th I have to go for an echo-cardiogram and to get fitted for a 24 hour holter monitor (which is a heart monitor that I obviously have to wear for 24 hours)... after our meeting he'll be seeing about possibly getting me to wear a similar monitor for either a week or two... ooooh so sexy.... *insert eyeroll* ...but anyway... he was a nice guy (the doc) took a 14 year history...and of course wondered why nothing had been done with me from 2006 to 2011... also wondered out loud about why the other cardiologist never put a monitor on me...I kind of wondered that myself... but after I had the ablation in 2006 I went for a check up after 2 months and told her I was still having the episodes and she shook her head and said 'No you're fine now, go on. Oh and lose some weight or you'll be coming back to see me because you have gotten diabetes...' well I can't figure out why oh why I've never been back to see her *insert another eyeroll* you know the comment about my weight hadn't bothered me...it was the fact that she wouldn't believe me that I was still having the episodes...

so yeah...think I'll be going to bed nice and early this evening...