tiny mini squee

Longer post later as I've been thinking one up... few different topics running around through my head..

however...quick mini squee...

before christmas I had ordered something for Big Daddy and figured if it didn't come in by christmas that I'd just send it to him as a random gift or wait and take it with me the next time I go see him...

anyway.. I had forgotten about it and ended up getting him something else for christmas... (something he totally liked a lot..score!) but anyway... just got a message last night about the other thing that I had ordered like back in October (no money had been exchanged so when I hadn't heard back I was kinda meh and shrugged it off) so yeah I'm happy that I finally heard back and will be getting it in the mail in the next couple of weeks... yay!

I think I'll just keep it until the next time I go visit... *crosses fingers that it all comes in smoothly*

+5 Ring of Intimidation

ok.. so three times this week... I've been referred to as being 'intimidating'...

I've turned to the Man totally gobsmacked with jaw dropped and said 'really? am I intimidating?'

to which of course he responds with 'not to me'....

well that was no help at all... and yet I have near perfect strangers telling me that they find me intimidating but that can't exactly explain why they find me that way...

I mean I know I generally speak my mind and most of the time can be brutally honest... but seriously??


I don't see it and I don't get it... if anyone has any insight...lemme know...

really? 5 a.m.?

well yesterdays mood didn't stay long... lasted until about 1pm but then again I had been up since 2 am... so... understandably so I was fading...

I must really be run down... I went to bed at 9pm... was so tired that in order to be able to watch the show I wanted to watch at 8pm I had to pace back and forth in the living room and not sit down for an hour...*shakes head*

so yeah went to bed at 9pm and was up this morning (because of the dog) at 5am... the Man had taken him outside but when they came back to bed Zuulie kept scratching at the door... so I got up and took him out... walked around the neighbourhood for over an hour... he still didn't pee... but I had tired him out... he's now fast asleep on the couch...

so now that everyone is back to sleep again for the next half an hour I'm thinking that I'm going to crawl into the shower and see if when I step out again if I'll maybe feel a bit more human...

might end up posting more later...I was just kind of bored... lol

what's this...?

awoke at 2 ish something this morning... fully awake... alert...hungry...maybe even a bit frisky... reason being.... likely because I went to bed at 9 o'clock last night...I just could not for the life of me keep my eyes open any longer...

problem with waking up at 2am... fully awake... really hard to get back to sleep and trying to keep some semblance of a schedule... meh.. oh well...

I was laying in bed reading one of my books... I've read oh so many of them lately it's hard to keep them all straight... but I got out of bed a little while ago with almost a sense of urgency and purpose... I didn't have any divine flashes of what I'm supposed to be doing or anything like that... but I just knew I had to stop... I had to stop dwelling... obsessing and many of the other things that I do just before I'm about to sink below the surface again...

I had a moment of weakness when I awoke just after 2... I was kicking myself in the ass while I was laying there reading my book and funny enough the book was addressing such subjects near the end of it when our heroine of the story was way in over her head...as it seems to happen to characters...

why is it that we never go to the ones who truly love us when we're way over our heads or at least talk to those that the overwhelming feelings might actually include...

one of the things the heroine was having to deal with....

I hope I can figure it out before it's too late...

lately I've been dealing with this feeling of 'I'm running out of time'... my life seems to be taking on this sense of urgency... in order to get everything done in time... but I'm still stuck trying to figure out what the deadline is...I'm trying to grasp it as it feels as though it's just on the outside of my vision...

these odd feelings of needing to get everything in order...today I seem to be getting a reprieve from that... thankfully...

so I jumped out of bed... almost happy.. I can feeling the nigglings of happiness tickling at the sides of my mouth...nearly enough to make them curl upwards with no real reason...

the sickness I've been feeling is on hold...there but in the background... the constant pain I've had for the last I don't know how long is no where right now... I've been awake for 6ish hours and I'm feeling good...

I must remember to go through and look at the Law of Attraction once more... (small note to myself there)

I don't know how long I'm going to be feeling like this so I should probably just log off of here and make the best of it...

Happiness and feeling good is definitely fleeting... I'm sure that this is the calm before the storm as it were... but instead of wondering when the shoe is going to drop I'm going to forget the negative cliches and go take my dog for a walk...

another note for you... it truly is unconditional, heart your face

and the top stories of the night are....(not listed below)

so not feeling well...

still wearing the heart monitor for the rest of this week... but been having sinus headaches...been stuffed up...haven't been hungry...and today I started coughing...

glad I have the monitor for the rest of the week... why? well because now I can take some meds for the sickness and if anything happens with my heart I can totally hit the button...

I have pushed the button on the monitor 5 times since I got the monitor... what happens is...I feel the wonkiness (yes that's a technical term) in my heart...I push the button and the monitor starts recording for the next minute...and then it says 'hey let's go ahead and record the 15 seconds before she pushed the button'...

it's been annoying trying to sleep with it on, and trying to keep comfortable while wearing it throughout the day... but now that I've had it for over a week... it's become a small friend... lol

sort of like when I was in hospital in Toronto and I was naming all of the medical equipment... my IV standy/rolly thing was Bernie... lol

I've not named the monitor but it's called a 'King of Hearts Express AF' so I just call it Kingy... lol

I was going to update about what's been going on but I've been a bit distracted last night and today I've been trying to find a ring of mine... it's making me sad that I haven't been able to find it... when sitting down and thinking when the last time I wore it was... was in Nevada... problem is.. after asking Big Daddy...he said he can't find it there...or hasn't seen it... *le sigh* I hope it turns up... I like that ring... it's my ring from Tiffany's...

can't seem to keep a thought it my head for more then a few moments...

oh... I haven't had a chance to really saying anything about my Zuulie-Bear (aka Zuul)... Nov 30th Burton proved once again just how freakin' awesome she is and gave me a ride out to Jordan and we went and picked up Zuul... a black labradoodle bull mastiff mix puppy... who for the last couple of months has been testing our patience... scratching us up... loving us up... and growing like a weed...

that's him the first night we got him... he was born on Oct 7 and like I said we picked him up on Nov 30th...so he was just shy of 8 weeks old... I think he was already bigger then Otis... (my sister's jack russell)...

and that's him on January 3rd after having just come in after a walk...don't mind the mess under the couch I hadn't swept yet... lol

He's going to be a big boy... his mum, the labradoodle, is about 75lbs and his dad, the bull mastiff, is about 90 lbs.. according to the lady I bought him from...hence why I call him Zullie-Bear... that and he doesn't have long hair but he doesn't really have short hair... his fur is quite strange... but thankfully he does have the poodle hair/dander so he's not bothering anyone's allergies...

I swear he's tripled in size from when we first got him... I'm going to try to take a pic of him every few weeks so I can see how much he's grown...

I've got to say I've really been enjoying Skyrim (on our new ps3) every time the Manchild is here I ask him to bring it with him... this last weekend he said we could keep it for the week... especially since he has exams this week that he's studying for...I've never found a game that holds my attention like Skyrim does...

But talking about the Manchild... the change in him has been really nice... since we/I found out what's really going on at his dad's place... Manchild has been much more open about what's going on with him... I've told him numerous times that he is welcome to move in here...and he's thinking that it would be best for him to do that at the end of this current school year... he despises all the people that he's having to live with at the moment... and is pretty much convinced that his father is a dick and a douchebag... I can't really say that I blame him much...I mean there are reasons I'm not with his father anymore... that's two of them right there...but in all seriousness... the Manchild doesn't tell his dad when something's bothering him, when he's injured, what's going on in his games, what's happening at school, or as far as I know even who the latest girl is that he has a crush on... and since his father has gotten a landline at the house the Manchild has been calling me on a fairly regular basis... heck I was on the phone with him for over an hour this morning... talking about his Business exam, sopa, skyrim, mw3, his friends and what his plans are for the rest of the week... this was just after spending the weekend with him... it's been really nice to see the turn around from a sullen teen with enough attitude for an entire platoon of teens...to someone who actually does seem to care about those around him...

I have a sneaking suspicion that his father has told him that I didn't want him...that I didn't want him living with me... I do know for a fact that he used to punish/discipline/keep the Manchild in line with using me as a threat... 'if you don't smarten up I'm going to send you to live with your mother' ...I was like wtf?? when I had heard that one...

After having talked with Manchild about what I would expect of him if he were to move here... he shrugged and said that he could live with that...and he never understood why his dad thought it would be so terrible for him here...hell it's like playland here compared to at his father's...

the only thing he doesn't like is the geography... location location location... right?
all his friends are in the same city as his dad...which would be nearly 30 mins to get here if they were to come and hang out... which would also mean having to change high-schools which I know would suck...but I still think he would be a lot happier here...

meh... we'll see...

in other news...

we've had one snow fall that really counted... and the snow only stayed for a little bit... other then that it's mostly been raining... *shrugs*

and in sports related news...

the Boychild had his first big karate tournament this past weekend on the 21st...my baby... he went into kata and kumite... I was so proud of him... the tournament he was in was my old clubs annual tournament... so it was the tournaments where I had won all my medals... some of the same sensei's were there...and the president of the federation is a family friend of ours and couldn't believe first off that the Boychild was mine but also that my mum was old enough to have a grandson competing...lol

so he was in a group of 8 or 9 kids (around the same age and belt colour) that were competing in the kata portion of the competition and Boychild didn't place... but we all (and I mean all - my mum, sis, Me, the Man, my dad, the Man's dad and the Man's step-monster) told him it was alright and that he'd do better next time... then it was a smaller group that were paired up for the kumite (aka sparring) portion... two white belts (the Boychild is a white belt) and two yellow belts...he was happy that he placed 3rd... but you could tell he was not really entirely impressed...I was congratulating him and he shrugged and responded with 'yeah but it's third out of four...' I just grinned and said that it at least wasn't fourth out of four and gave him a wink... we all gave him big hugs and told him that he was great and could only get better...

but talking about all of us who were there and why it was kind of a big deal is... my father is getting a divorce from his second wife...and he has recently (beginning of Dec) moved back to the area...and when I say back to the area I mean has moved and is now living in the same city as my mother... who is not very happy to hear that... she holds a grudge better then any Scorpio I know...(well as does my sister...but anyway)

so for the first time in nearly 12 years my Mum and Dad were in the same room...didn't speak nor stand near each other...but hey it's a step... I've told them all that all of them will be invited to stuff the kids have going on... if Manchild decides to go back into ball hockey...I'll let my Dad know when his games are and such... there's no reason that he should be left out of my children's lives just because it will make my mother and sister uncomfortable... in my opinion they both need to put on their big girl panties and suck it up...

I feel like it's taken me hours to type this post... and now I'm just so tired again... think I'll be going to bed early tonight...

Um....What was I saying...?

My mind is a jumble today... I didn't get any sleep last night until nearly 2:30 this afternoon...I had been laying in bed reading most of the night...and then when I put my tablet away and rolled over to go to sleep some weird stuffs started happening so I couldn't get to sleep...and then I just seemed to awake to go to sleep....then it was getting to late in the day to nap...but I just couldn't do it anymore...I went over to where the Man was sitting on the couch curled up against him while he played some video games and passed right out...but it wasn't for too long so now I'm sitting here and my eyes feel like the sandman came by and dropped a truckload into each eye...

Also have had a weird loss of appetite for the past couple of days...pretty much since Saturday... for example yesterdays menu for me consisted of a bowl of soup for lunch with a couple of pieces of home made bread and for dinner...a bowl of soup with one piece of bread...ayup...that was it... and the only reason I ate was because I knew I had to... tonight we ordered a pizza because of how tired I am...and sure I had a few slices but now I feel ill because I wasn't hungry but made myself eat something since that was all I ate today...

Last Monday had FMT (Full Moon Tea) at Burton's place... it was just Burton, Parker and myself. We had fun just sort of hanging out drinking tea and chatting. After the holidays and the hustle and bustle of family and stress and shit it was so nice to just hang out in the Cave of Awesome and just be. Burton is planning on doing a FMT every month, and we even came up with different things we could do. We've talked about sushi, bingo, board games...just having a girls night.

Saturday I had gone over to hang out and spend time with Burton and the Nerd... heart them...while eating dinner (which was an awesome Cottage Pie that Burton made) I realized just how perfect the two of them are for each other...they kept me laughing so much that I barely made it through dinner. They taught me how to play Settlers of Catan...liked the game a lot...think Burton is correct when she said that she thought my family would like it...I surprisingly won...got so into the game I forgot to keep track of my points...thankfully they were paying attention...so it really was a surprise win... lol

Parker was going to come over on Monday but I had to cancel...but hopefully she'll be able to come over tomorrow for tea and scrabble (or some other game we all might like) with our boys (men). I'm looking forward to it and meeting her boy.

I have to say that I'm not exactly used to having girl friends...sounds weird I know...but I'm just not...not going to explain it here or now...too tired.

.... *apparently was too tired to even finish this post*...

I'm not dead. yet.

I figured it was high time that I sat down and write something...

it's not that I haven't had anything to say in the last few months... it's just there was no way that I could sit down to start writing up a blog post without likely starting to cry or getting so angry that something I regretted came out...

to say that I had gotten depressed would be an understatement...a vast, huge, humongous understatement... I had stopped talking to Krammit...I barely spoke to the Man...didn't want anything to even remind me of Big Daddy... every time I went to open my mouth my eyes would begin to fill with tears... and it would take me a few moments to compose myself so that I could talk to anyone... I stopped listening to music...still have some trouble listening to a few particular singers...food was tasteless and therefore I didn't really want to eat very much nor very often...I stopped working out...I stopped going out... Burton was able to get me out of the house a couple of times to go and see PirateGirl over in Buffalo and it was so nice to be with the two of them because even though they knew that I was down they didn't try to 'fix' me or even ask me about what was bothering me... was the best thing I could have asked them to do for me...

Nothing really pulled me out of it... I just rode it out... I'm still riding it out...I knew the Dark Times were going to be hard for me this year...I don't know how I knew I just knew some how that they were going to be very difficult... and they really have been... I predict that I'll be back to myself again in February-ish...

I'm also having to deal with some health issues that I don't exactly know if I want to talk about...I know I generally always have but this just seems more severe...but how could it be possibly more severe then having a heart condition of sorts?? I don't know...

I admitted to Krammit the other day that I've foreseen me not seeing the end of the year in the same way as I am... sounds cryptic I know... but I've been having some really messed up dreams...way too realistic...

I'm confused...which I should just move there... I'm sure there's a Confusion located somewhere in the world... it seems to be my natural state so just seems like the place I should live...

Big Daddy...*sigh*...never mind I'm not even going to get into that whole conversation... let's just leave it with confusion at the moment... maybe I'll talk about it in another post... or maybe I'll just forget it...

I can't help but feel that no one really understands me...maybe it's just the pain I'm in trying to make me feel small...

the Manchild might be moving in...he has the next week and a half to decide if he's going to or not... he and his dad (and that crazy household) haven't been getting along very well...

(Yes I know this post is all over the place...but that's how my minds been the last little while) lol who am I kidding that's how my mind always is...

been thinking that the only thing that I'm good for with some of the male friends I have is sex...they don't seem to get in touch with me unless they're looking for some... some of them I haven't even done anything with which makes it even weirder... it's like I'm that 'friend' that you can send a message to that says 'I'm horny' and I'll respond with... 'that sucks what do you want me to do about it??' *shrugs*
seriously think I should have just became a prostitute...hell at least they get paid... I was making a comment to Parker (another friend of mine...female) that it seems boys pop up on the spring and winter to tell me how horny they are and how they'd like to get laid... (likely hoping that I'll offer or some shit)... they never really send me messages to say 'hi how ya doing?'... guess 'friend' is a word I use a little too loosely for them...

that can't really be all I'm good for... is it? *le sigh*

I'm having a crisis of faith... for a long time now I've been questioning what it is I believe... I may not fully believe in a Divine figurehead and I'm not sure what may change my mind one way or the other...I'm sort of on the fence... I believe in energy, that much I do know. We'll see what February brings.

there's so much more that I want to say... but I've been censoring myself from here about some specific things... I think there would have to be some changes before  I divulge that stuff... just wish I could see the light...

and not the train...