and life is about to change...

Long ass day was long...

doctors appointment... hrmph...

I often stop and wonder what's wrong with humanity...

I am not Jewish nor is anyone in my family. None of my family (that I know of) fought in WWII. However when I hear about the stories of those times and what happened to the Jewish people (and others who were in Concentration/Extermination Camps) I can't help but feel sad, angry and disheartened. I found this on Twitter today and found that I really just longed to go there.  Not so that I can gawk, but more so that I can grieve, if that makes any sense. So that I can feel apart of that history and really be able to understand the magnitude of what happened there.

It's getting to a time now where there's not going to be many survivors or soldiers left to tell the stories of what happened during that time. It will be just another war that will be read about in history books written likely by those who weren't even alive when it happened.

I once told The Man's Nana that she should take all the letters that she and his Grandpa sent back and forth during the war and put them into a book. He was there on D Day when they stormed the beaches. She wrote him nearly every single day, and he of course wrote her back as often as he could. Because of her age and the way her hands will start to bother her she had taken to reading the letters each night before going to bed because she could no longer hold a book for any length of time. She relayed how she felt really bad because after he had come back from the war during a big argument that they had, she picked up a stack of them and threw them into the fireplace, into a fire. You could see the sadness in her eyes when telling the story.

I loved when we would visit and she would tell us about how the women joined the war efforts as well and she had become a riveter. She helped build the planes by putting the rivets in where they needed to be. She'd also go on to tell us about how even though there was a war going on and he was over seas he had told her that he wanted her to go out and still have fun, so she'd go out swing dancing with friends but when she got home she'd reread the letters he had sent her.

I'm not a fan of war, I don't romanticize it. Don't particularly think it's a good thing at all.

As a matter of fact...secret confession time...I love war movies for some reason, I still haven't figured out why since I dislike war...but...I cry during them...nearly every single one that I've ever seen I will undoubtedly cry.

I'm not sure exactly where this post came from but I just felt compelled to write after seeing the pictures...they brought tears to my eyes...then again I was a little emotional already to start with.

These Aren't Just Subtitles...They're Subtitles You Can Ride On...

I sit down to write about this that or the other thing and I find myself wondering if it's worth it...

I don't write for others I usually write to get shit off my chest, out of my brain and to help me feel less crazy... I generally after posting will feel better... but I've been noticing lately probably for the last year that I've been censoring myself... not quite putting everything out there for the world to read...

I'm just another anonymous blogger who doesn't have anything world changing to say about my life... I'm not going to cure cancer, or AIDS, I'm not going to make a post that will suddenly solve financial problems with governments or feed the starving people of the world... I really doubt that I'm going to do anything noteworthy in my lifetime...

and because of that I can't help but sit and think sometimes...then why the fuck am I here... why do I stay... what's anything I do going to matter in 20 years... or 30 years...or 100 years... in 100 years I'll have been forgotten by everyone...I won't be in any history books I won't be famous for anything...I'll have just been another random blogger who used up a small corner of the internet to vent out my thoughts and feelings that made me seem so much smaller because those that are my problems and worries are quite minuscule in comparison to stuff that's going on world wide scale...

I'm trying to quit worrying about that which I cannot control... world issues... other peoples problems... how others feel about me... how others perceive the world... all I can do is try to focus on what it is that's in my control...

I had a lovely 3+ hr phone call today with Nay...a friend of mine who lives in TO... he and I met in grade 7...though we never went to the same school...we met through mutual friends and never really stayed in touch...but became neighbours twice without even realizing it...and have always been able to talk about just about anything and everything... we haven't really talked much in the last few years...some frivolous facebook stuff here and there...and would talk about how we miss each other...
I heart his face and do wish that we could get together more often... that was actually why it was that I had him give me a call... because he was saying how he had wanted to get together with myself and two others...and really the three that he had said he wanted to get together with haven't hung out in nearly ten years...the last time we were all in a room together it was by accident sort of and that was in Nov...and it wasn't exactly the most comfortable situation...lol

after talking to him on the phone I told him I was in...that I'd love to come up to his place for a weekend... :) Hopefully it'll happen...and if not...fuckit I might just go up and visit him on my own or with the Man... after all I haven't met his husband yet... I need more positive people in my life...

I have to say I'm really proud of Big Daddy... (I had a big write up following that explaining why I'm proud of him but...I don't know I just had to delete it...)

I've been feeling old this past week... the Manchild turned 15 today... I look at him and see how old he's getting now and shake my head because most of the time I don't feel old enough to have a teenage son...physically I do...mentally I definitely don't...

I left home at 15... I had Manchild when I was just barely 18... on my 19th birthday I was taken to the casino so that I could have my first legal drink while gambling legally for the first time... I couldn't do what others do for their 19th and get wasted...hell I couldn't even drink a second drink... I had to breastfeed the baby a couple of hours after I got home...
the moment I walked out of that house with a suitcase in my hand leaving a note that said I wasn't coming back...I knew I had to grow up and fast... now that my son is 15 I look at what I've done these past 18 yrs and thought...WTF was I doing?!

Even now at 33 I still sit and wonder half the time...wtf am I doing?

Everything gets to me...I get feeling really overwhelmed, drowning in the chaos that is my life, the issues with my family and some friends, the rigors of day to day... I know that I'm not worse off then anyone else, my problems aren't worse then anyone elses...and I'm not comparing myself or even saying oh woe is me...please pity me...

all I'm saying is that a lot of the time stuff is just 'too much' for me... with the help of the Man I've realized that when it all becomes waaaay too much my fight or flight kicks in...and the first thing I do is fly... there has been a couple of times now that I've said I was leaving... and was fairly certain I wasn't coming back...
we've come to realize that as long as I can get away for a little bit I'll be ok...
after a few things that have happened in the last little while I'm starting to feel that way again...hopefully I"ll be able to have a getaway soon before I start snapping hardcore at people...



Oh! and I'm a happy girl today... Big Daddy's present came in today... hope I can see him soon so I can give it to him...I don't want to just send it through the mail I'd rather see him when I give it to him... I hope he likes it... *crosses fingers*

so yeah... um...I'm getting tired so I'll have to type more later...

Odd Things...Indeed...Squirrel!

I was bombarded last night with some really odd dreams...oh and as I said to Burton today via text... I must have been really fucking ugly last night...I went to bed at 12:30 am and woke up at 12:30pm today...wtf eh?

I ran into Dwayne and he and I went out get a cup of coffee and when we were walking out after an hour of visiting or so, we hugged by his car and as I said 'I've really missed you' I broke down crying and we just stood there hugging for a long time. He said that he had missed me too and that we would have to get together for coffee more often.

talk about odd...

few others that were weird was watching a group of marines while overseas...was helping them (sort of) I'm fuzzy about the details now... probably should have typed this up just after waking up...

another...

I went out and started slaughtering people on Valentine's Day...I mean I felt like it on Tuesday but not really enough that I figured there'd be any residual after effects that would make me dream about killing people...

I have to say though that I was quite impressed by all the ways I was killing tem and also by how efficient I was...

so besides weird dreams...

I went out with Burton on Saturday, went over to Buffalo to go visit PirateGirl. Well that and Burton had some stuff delivered to PirateGirls house. Went out and PirateGirl took us for lunch at a place called Betty's, I had the best burger. Oh...and the best bacon. Spar's bacon equals Epic Yummy Bacon!
I'm glad that I get to hang with Burton when I'm depressed...she doesn't badger me about what's wrong or doesn't try to force me to open up. She just tells me she hearts my face and we go on about the day.
Bought a lovely bottle of Twisted Moscato. Twisted is a winery from California...they make the first white wine that I enjoy. And I also like their White Zinfendal...their old vine zinfendal not as good. lol

Then Sunday we hung out again sort of... went to a Scentsy party that Burton was the consultant at. I had only met the Hostess once and that was at another party where I didn't know the hostess very well...it was interesting. And a bit of Fun. Saw Nickle again as well.

Burton asked me if I wanted to go out with her on Friday (as in tomorrow), going to... could use some dance floor time and can't get drunk on one bottle of wine so...we'll have to see how I do tomorrow. lol

so I'm being distracted by other things so I think I'll save the rest of my updating until after the weekend maybe...

Don't Forget me. I begged. I'll remember. You said.

I have anxiety just like anyone else does....mine to me is pretty serious because to me it makes me feel like I can't function properly...

I feel small and insignificant, I'm insecure about myself and whether or not I will be forgotten.

I know I've written about it before...but it just hit me again the other night like a ton of bricks...it kept me from sleeping properly, I was waking during every hour at least once...almost as if to check to see if I was still there...

I've been known to make up weird or unusual question just to ask people just to see if they'll respond as if checking to see if to them I still exist or if they have chosen to forget me.

I stay quiet during conversations because I find myself halfway through telling a story and then realizing that those I'm talking to probably don't even care about what I'm saying.

It's been no secret throughout my blog that I have self worth issues at times.

But it was just the other night when the anxiety hit me really hard due to (what I would deem) a drastic personality change....not only do I have the insecurity about being forgotten but that I also don't deal well with change at all.

I'll make a good facade and smile and nod and try to go with the flow but the one insecurity just leads to another. Change will somehow lead to my being forgotten by those I care about.

I try to make sure I tell those that I care about how I feel about them and even their accomplishments, and I try to tell them honestly how I feel about their troubles if they decide to share them with me.

Deep down inside I don't think that distance makes the heart grow fonder, I think it makes it a lot easier to forget.

I've started to withdraw again. It started the other night and I felt myself slowly backing away. As if my backing away will help others just get on with their lives without another thought my way.

I think it's almost time for me to give up. To just let go.

Just see who I become when I stop holding onto everyone so tightly.

I'm so scared that I'm just going to find myself alone.

I don't know what to do.

Mourning...Babe...Heart...Date...Psychic...Moon...

it is with a sad heavy heart that I have finally realized that I need to...*le sigh* replace my mouse... I love my mouse...it's one of those crazy trackball on top stationary mice where I just have to move my thumb... it started to die last year and I was able to trick it by switching the settings to think it was a left handed mouse...but it has caught on to my nefarious plan and has started dying on me again... I've tried the whole taking it apart and cleaning it and other stuffs like that...it feels better for awhile but then it just gets all old and crotchity on me again...it's lasted me at least 5 years now so we had a good run... and really after finding out what the Man pay for it (he had purchased it for my birthday) it's definitely been worth the money he paid... *sigh* my poor mouse...how I loves it so...

Babe? hmm... I'm not really the babe type...I don't call people that, I find it awkward when people call me that... it's just... I dunno... Babe is a little pink pig... and yeah I'm short and fat and pinkish in colour but... really... I find Babe to be one of the most annoying 'pet names' especially when a complete stranger uses it...


**later on in the evening...**

so not sure if I should work from last week to now or today back to last week... lol

Thursday... so for the first time in like ever I met up with someone for something akin to a blind date...met this guy online and  we decided that we would get together and go for dinner and since he'd never been here before he wanted to see Niagara Falls... so being somewhat smart I met him down the road at the plaza and away we went... ended up in Mississauga for dinner... had a good time. Won't be happening again, but was still a good time.

Friday and Saturday the boys and the Man and I worked our asses off around the house...cleaning, tidying putting stuff away throwing old stuff out... because Saturday afternoon the landlords came in for what they called a 'walk through'... funny how the idea over came the land lady when she found out we got a puppy.
Imagine her surprise as she walked through the house and realized there was absolutely no damage done to the house in the 3 years that we've lived here... I think they were surprised because the other house they own they tend to rent to crack heads who destroy the place all the time.
Landlord stayed and finally fixed the blister in the ceiling in the living room. yay. Though I must admit he left a huge mess of dust and clumps of drywall mud...

Sunday I went out with Burton to a psychic fair here in the city. Got a bit of a reading done which was fairly accurate... mostly some of the stuff that you know about yourself that you would never admit to others...as Burton put it. Had a very tasty Tropical Mango Smoothie while we chatted.

Monday went with the Man to the Boychild's school while he was at karate. We were having a meeting/information session about the Academy that we want to be sending him to next year. After the info session we believe even more that this will be perfect for the Boychild, even though he seems to be resisting us on this. It'd be longer days, more homework but a much better atmosphere for him, one on one mentoring, the same school from grade 6 until he graduates high school and a lot more focus on post secondary education lead up.

Tuesday... went to Burton's house for Full Moon Tea... was just three of us again, though our third wasn't Parker this time.. it was Burton's manager from work. We had a good time, lovely dinner nice little rit and then some yummy Japanese Sour Cherry Tea mixed with hot chocolate... it was quite dee-lish.

Today... Wednesday... I had to go back for my follow up appointment with my cardiologist... got the results back from the King of Hearts monitor that I was wearing for two weeks. Ends up that I'm not crazy, but I'm also not having episodes like I had been having before my ablation in 2006.
It seems that not only am I more sensitive to what it is that my heart is doing, and it's now extremely sensitive to drugs and outside stimulus... stress, sickness, not enough sleep etc... can all make the ticker go a bit funny.
So since the doc isn't worried about it...I pretty much got the chicken dinner from him... so unless there is a dramatic change... I just have to live with what's going on in my chest... fun times

Tomorrow... nothing on the books...whoo!
same with Friday... and then again on Saturday...

However in other good news...
I was contacted by one of the woman that put together the pagan pub moot in the next city and was asked if I'd like to vend my wares at the next one...well the one in March since the next one is actually on Sunday... so I'm happy... I have to make up some more trees... think I have enough jewelry right now...

so yay!

and now... time for bed... especially since I've been yawning my face off since around 9:30ish...

Zombies wouldn't want to eat my brains...

right... so what was I going to say again?

I swear my brain is nothing but mush nowadays...barely remembering stuff from one day to the next... I'll think of something and think...oh yeah I had wanted to blog about that...then I'll sit down at my desk and draw a blank...

not fun...

wasn't feeling well last week... last couple of days it's still felt that someone is sitting on my chest half of the time...

in domestic news...
I finally got up stairs (what a sight I was) and helped the Man clear out the spare room... it had been filled with some boxes of stuff that we just don't have storage space for when we moved in (*mumbles* three years ago) well with the talk of the Manchild possibly moving in and the landlords wanting to do a 'walk through' of the house we decided to tidy up the upstairs... that way they can redo the floor like they need to up there and then after they do that we'll be giving the Manchild his own room...
I got up the other day put on a set of scrubs, put my hair up in a bandana, dust mask, latex gloves and went up stairs... it took a bit longer before my allergies set in but man when they did... holy crap...
I'm gonna have to suck it up and get back up there tomorrow again... the landlords will be here on Saturday...

Got to hang with Burton today... was really happy with that...we went grocery shopping, then she went to go visit her Oma in the hospital (up the road) then when she came to get her car (from my driveway) she stayed for supper...watched some Tim Minchin and had some laughs (well had some laughs all day really...lol)

in foreign news... (lol)
I think I may kind of have a date tomorrow...lol
Been talking to a friend from Texas...found out that he's here in Mississauga and so he was sort of joking saying he's never seen the Falls...told him he totally had to since he was so close...some how it ended up with him offering to buy me dinner and me showing him the Falls after he was finished work tomorrow...*shrugs*
So we'll have to see how that goes...

in medical news...
the Man dropped off the heart monitor today...so have an appointment to find out the results next Wednesday at like 4 in the afternoon... sort of a late appointment...but hey hopefully I'll learn something...
appointment with the specialist on the 28th...hopefully find out about the cramping and weakness that's been happening...it's spreading... :(

in employment news...
the doorbell rang this morning...like 9am...the Man went out and answered it...he came back in with a large UPS envelope in his hand...after opening he read off on a piece of paper... Letter of Termination...
yep he got a letter from Screwcom stating that as of March 28th he'll be unemployed...well since he's been on medical leave for over a year it wasn't a huge surprise...however then we found out that 144 people were getting their walking papers today...one of the major clients is taking their business out of Canada...

aaaand....I forget what else I was going to say...I swear I need some of that brain strong stuff or something...

<3 yer face BD