When it Rains it Pours...

I was so happy that Sugarbear was coming home today...

I sent him my normal Good Morning message when I was headed to bed at twenty after five this morning ... and got a message back at 6ish telling me that his mum had a bad night and that he may not be home...

A bit later I saw that he was in Muskoka and asking for prayers for his family... and when I sent him a message asking what was happening... I got a phone call back from him, the hospital suggested that it would be a good time for them to gather the family... he was on the highway and he would call me when he got to Sudbury...

After hanging up the phone I just cried... and cried... and The Man came in and around the tears I tried to explain to him what was happening...

Suddenly plans are being put into place... and an offer to get me up there came in...

I messaged SB back and told him that I had a way to get up to Sudbury, and asked him 'did you want me to come up?'...

Awkward...phone rang while I was sitting on the can...

I was thanked for the offer, told that he loved that I wanted to be there with him and for him, but that there would be lots of people there and lots on his plate and that I should just stay where I am for now...
Again said he'd call me when he got to Sudbury...
I told him I love him...

Then proceeded to pace around my house feeling absolutely fucking useless.

DD came over to discuss arrangements for getting me to Sudbury... I told him about the second call back...

While he was here we realized that my cell had been turned off... I was able to receive calls but that was it.

Well fuck... I guess phone companies get upset when you owe them money...
*see last nights comment about how much I love money*

I was upset by the thought of him not coming home...
Depressed by the thought of his mother being so ill of health and unable to be able to do anything for her or him... (trials and tribulations of being an empathic healer)
Angered by the thought of him possibly not being able to get a hold of me to let me know what's happening or if he just needs to vent or talk...

DD left with the comment to keep him updated as well and if I ended up needing/wanting/having permission to go up to let him know...


The other thing I was going to write about yesterday that I forgot to because of all the hubbub and it being so late at night...
I signed up for more online courses again... my first one started yesterday...and I just can't seem to get excited to do it right now...
The one that started yesterday... Introduction to Pharmacy...
so...yay?

*sighs and cries a little*

I want my Sugarbear to be happy and his mum to be healthy...
I want my wife to be here so I can get big hugs that last minutes and hours...
I want The Man to not have to put up with me pacing around the house upset and feeling useless...
I lurves them all.

I think I should have gotten more then an hour and a half of sleep.

Whirlwind...

Well...Hello 2015...

Is it really January again already...??

It's felt like the year flew by...even though this past week feels like it just slithered by slower then molasses in a polar vortex...

Segue...so apparently there's another polar vortex coming... but climate change isn't happening right...?

But enough about the weather...

I'm stressed.

I hate being stressed...it affects my eating... my sleeping...my health...my libido...

The Man wants to move. I do and I don't want to move... I just wish that this particular house was in better shape so that the bills would be lower and the house more liveable. And because they haven't done anything about maintaining the house while we've been living here the last 7 years I know that it won't change, that would be the reason that I do want to move.

I just really fucking hate packing, giving notice, trying to find a new place, and starting this all over again. I dislike changing landlords, not because I like this set, but because I hate having to get used to new people governing over the place I live.
I've had so many different landlords and only one or two of them have been understanding and bearable. Understanding in the aspect of letting me possibly change paint colours in the house, and being able to put up pictures without worry of them hounding me that there's 'holes' in the walls. Bearable as in not showing up on the 1st of the month at 8am knocking on my door, but then again not making me have to call you on the 6th of the month saying 'um hello? are you going to come pick this up or what?'

The Man keeps talking about buying a house...um...what? - we have no money saved... we live cheque to cheque to cheque... barely making ends meet as it is... how the fuck does he even figure that we would ever be able to purchase a house...?!

And where the hell are we going to get the money to cover moving costs...??

I also don't want to have to think about this shit in the middle of winter.

I've said it before and I'll say it again... I hate money. It's the one thing that makes me depressed the quickest.

I had been trying to decide if I wanted to stay in derby with my league or going with another league.. It looks like I won't be able to continue derby with any league. It makes my heart sad, I love skating but haven't been able to pay my dues for last month, purchase the required insurance and now it's nearly time to start paying dues again for the month of January... and I just don't have the 110$ to cover all of that.

Had to come up with a deposit for the Boychilds end of the year school trip on top of all the stuff for Christmas...very little warning...that was 50$... and they want another 50$ for a payment for January as well... so there goes my dues.

The Man applied for a job the other day. I'm hoping that he gets it. During the summer when I was working on the farm it was nice to be able to have a tiny bit of a money at all times. Just before the Holidays DD and I went to one of the sex shops in town and I'm seriously considering giving them a copy of my CV... seriously is there any other job more fitting for me... I would get to tell people to fuck themselves, how to do it and what to do with it...

The holidays were ok...started off great which I posted about in the last post...then went a tiny bit sideways last week...

Sugarbear went up north to visit his family from the 23rd to the 28th... he had been talking about possibly coming home for the evening of the 29th... I found out while he was up  there that he wasn't feeling well which made me feel bad because I likely gave him the cold that I was dealing with before Christmas...
So he sent me a text telling me that he had some not so great news which was he was asked to head to work for the 29th and the 30th...(he was supposed to have from the 23rd to the 5th off) so he let me know that he wouldn't be home until the afternoon of the 30th... (we were having people over to the house on the 31st for new years eve)... So he got home and we went out shopping for stuff for the next evening...went to see DD while he was at work for supper...and then went home...where he fell asleep on the couch...lol - I don't blame him he wasn't feeling well. Went to bed and woke up the next day...had to go out and pick up a few last minute things we didn't grab the night before... and then the chopping started... New Years Eve Fondue was had again...(this time at Sugarbears house), we had Pinky, Femme, DD, Pegleg, The Man, Boychild and of course the two of us at the house.

Like always, I worried about not having enough food...

Don't think I needed to worry... (had all of that and then of course the others brought some as well)

So when we got back to the house we made a late lunch and then I got to chopping and he got to napping...lol
It didn't bother me...again he still wasn't feeling well and we knew we'd be up late...normal for me...not so normal for him.

He ended up waking up and helping me out with cutting up stuff for the fondue after he napped anyway so it was all good.
Which was good...was able to sneak in one last romp before ringing in the new year...lol

So then we spent the evening fondue-ing and chatting and watching the Niagara Falls party on TV, rang in the new year and then headed downstairs to play some pool and horse around all drunk like...

took some drunken blurry pictures on the couch while the others played some pool...

The next "morning" (which was really like 2 or 3 in the afternoon) we got up and got dressed and headed down to Fort Erie to my aunts where The Man, Boychild, Sugarbear and I were going to play games and visit with my Aunt, Uncle, niece, mum, sis and Manchild...oh yeah gang was all there and they had all been messaging me most of the later morning asking where the hell I was... See I told them I'd likely be there just after noon...oops

We got there at 4.

While there after a few hours I got a text from Sugarbear (who was sitting two chairs from me) that his mum was back in the hospital...

So after a bit longer we ended up saying our goodbyes and headed back to the house. Where I asked about his mum...he fell asleep...after a couple of ours we went to bed...

The next morning...woken up by a text from my landlady asking about coming to get the rent...I thought the Man was home but apparently he was off with Ni-Kill ad TBone... so I was getting dressed to walk home so I could get a cheque together for the landlords.
SB woke up and ended up driving me over...I swear I think we were both still half asleep.

It wasn't long after that...that shit got real. He made the decision that he needed to go back to Sudbury so that with help of his family he could get his mother into a better hospital because she just wasn't getting the proper level of care that she required in the one she was at.

At first I asked him if he wanted me to go with him when I could see how frustrated he seemed to be and he didn't really say no or yes at that point about me joining him, just made some sort of mention that he may have to be there the whole weekend and then go straight to work in Barrie. Which sort of made me grin inside because after a year he hasn't seen just how resourceful I can be and me getting from Barrie to home was the least of the problems. I had that on lock before I even asked if he wanted me to go with him. I didn't press it though mainly because I thought he just didn't want me to go but didn't want to say no for fear of hurting my feelings or some such. As the day went on a bit more I didn't say too much because he was trying to ascertain the extent of the situation where his mum was concerned and dealing with stuff with his sister. He got more frustrated and then he got emotional... I wasn't expecting that...all I could do was hug him and tell him that I love him in the hopes that it helped a bit. After some dinner/really late lunch... I hugged on him again and told him I wanted to go with him. By this time I had a bag packed and already had plans in place to get home again from Barrie, and since the house was still a mess from NYE there had even been a suggestion of someone coming to clean it while we were gone.

He nodded. He nodded when I said I wanted to go with him and I wasn't sure if that was a nod of 'yes come with me' or if that was a nod of acknowledgement like 'yes I hear that you have offered that'.

I tidied up a bit of garbage and in the meantime he was getting all of his laundry done (that he had thought he still had a couple more days to do), and had been texting some more with his sister.

I didn't even realize that he had said anything to his sister about whether or not it would be ok if I came up with him until he suddenly tossed his phone onto the coffee table and said 'well it seems my sister doesn't think it's a good idea if you come with me...she pretty much said does she really want to be up here in the middle of all this shit...' I just nodded and said 'for you? yes'...

Needless to say... sister won out on that one since neither of us really had money for a hotel room (especially not after throwing a nye party) and he was going to be staying at her house.

I asked him if he had wanted me to go and he said yes...after realizing that I just meant had he wanted me to go...and not that I meant to defy his sister some how and take me with anyway...I just wanted to know if he wanted me with him. Oh English language...

I wasn't mad per se... I was disappointed and a bit sad. I wasn't going there to stick my nose in family business...I was going so that when he needed a hand to hold or a hug or a small smile and a quiet 'I love you' - I'd be there.

I told The Man that it felt like the universe was throwing a test at me that I wasn't allowed to take. His response was of course that I passed the test because I stepped up, wanted to go, and packed a bag. He said that was the test if there even was one at all. Which I felt a little confused by at first because of course I wanted to go...of course I packed a bag...who wouldn't??
Even if I didn't love him...I would want to be there for him. It just seemed a foreign concept to me that someone wouldn't offer...

So he left... at 6:30 in the evening... and I sat on the couch and cried. I knew he would text me when he got there before going to bed. He knows I worry. But I didn't want to just sit there for 5 hours on the couch...crying and worrying and watching the clock... I knew The Man was at TBone's house playing games.

I dislike asking for help...I dislike appearing to be weak or vulnerable...I dislike people truly seeing my anxiety issues...I dislike feeling useless...

I was surprised by my next action...

While sitting there with tears running down my face I sent DD a text...I told him Sugarbear was gone back up north and I was sitting on the couch crying. DD was there in approximately 30 mins. Followed by Pinky who had sent me a text message asking me if everything was ok.

DD was sick and stayed with me for a couple of hours...just talking and shooting the shit. He let me vent on him and let my anxiety out.  Then Pinky stayed with me until 4 am... we talked and watched a movie and played a couple of games and pretty much stayed until we were both exhausted.

I went downstairs to go to bed after he had left and still ended up reading until after 6am...

Of course I worry about Sugarbears' mama...and of course I understand family comes first...and of course I understand his sister not necessarily wanting me there in the midst of all of it...and of course I took care of things at home and cleaned up the house...and of course I sent messages asking for updates about his mum as well as of him and how he was doing...

But I'm not a saint...I am one of the most selfish people I know... there was a tiny part of me...ok well no part of me is tiny...but there was a part of me that wanted to look up to  the sky and yell.. Really?! Seriously?! We were suppose to get a week together... We were suppose to cuddle up on the couch from Friday to Sunday and not care about what happened in the outside world... He was supposed to be able to relax and get better on the second half of his vacation... not drive from Sudbury to Angus to St Catharines to Fort Erie to St Catharines to Sudbury to Manatoulin Island to Sudbury to Angus and then back home again...in one week...while sick and worried about his mother for half of that.

Oh yeah... I totally had a 'teenage, foot stomping the ground, yelling at the sky, crying out about how life isn't fair' moment...I held it all inside but man did I visualize the fuck out of that moment...

I just feel like we got robbed of time that we had been looking forward to that was just going to be ours...well I suppose I shouldn't say we...I know I was looking forward to it...I hope that he was...

I have been waiting with bated breath all week that he was going to say that he's coming home this weekend...I haven't wanted to ask (again)... (I asked on Monday but as he patiently pointed out on the phone while tiredly driving to Barrie...bit early to say...)
Broke down and finally asked last night because he hadn't said anything about it... I didn't realize how much it had been bothering me until he told me that yes he was coming home...I let out a huge breath and felt like a weight had been lifted...it was a bit odd... I didn't realize I had been that anxious about it.

It wouldn't have surprised me in the least if he had headed back up north for the weekend to check in on his mum again...and I wouldn't have faulted him for it...would have asked if I could go with this time...and found a way to Barrie...

I just know he's had a rough week and I just want to hug him and hold him and snuggle him and tell him how I think he's a good man and I love him. Hide away with him for at least a day just being all relaxed and cozy.

And then...

The DrunkenMonkey. I spoke to his mother on the phone. well wait... lemme back track...
I finally broke down and sent his mum a message and let her know that I wanted to send him a letter but I knew that I needed his inmate number so that I could make sure that he gets it (when I finally figure out what I'm going to write). She was really happy to hear from me, she did remember me...which was amazing to me since I had only met her once and that was over ten years ago now.

When she visited him on the 28th she had let him know that I contacted her and asked about sending him a letter (so much for the element of surprise) and asked him if he was ok with that. He apparently was very happy to hear that I wanted to write him and said that yes of course that she could give me his inmate number. So she let me know that it was ok but there are strict rules about not sharing that number over social media so I had to call her. Called and spoke to her for about 45mins and found out how he's doing and how she's doing and also found out that he could get out in 5 years providing he has had model behaviour and that he goes to classes and therapy and such. So for now he's in there until 2023.

The two of them seem to believe that him sending letters from a prison in the states to an address in Canada won't be an issue. However, his mum has offered that if there is any issues that I could send them to her and she'll send them to him, without reading them of course and vice versa.

So now I just need to figure out exactly what it is I want to say to him. I've wanted to reach out to him since last year when he first went in...but...I still don't know exactly what it is I want to say to him.

And then...

Bing...

I am so proud of you right now. Keep it up. Do it for you, not for anyone else.

Aaaaaand...

Burton...
Get your god damn fucking passport renewed and get your fucking ass home I miss your face.

Everything else will have to wait. I have been writing/typing way to long and should likely go to bed since again it's after 4am and I will likely see this side of 6am...a-fucking-gain.

Happy Fucking New Year 2015

Death, Prison, Dates, Babies and Derby

I'm not even sure where to start this blog post...I'm so far behind in news and thoughts and ramblings...

Not even sure how far back I need to go to try to catch up either...or if I should start with the good news or the bad...

My step father passed away at the beginning of November...the first day of it actually. He was the third of the groups of deaths that have happened in the latter half of the year. Cancer ate away his insides and he just couldn't fight it any more.

The next day Krammit gave birth to her beautiful twins...it was a bit scary for a minute or two...but everyone came out of it and  Jack and Wyatt are beautiful and two of the best babies ever.

After Al's funeral I found out that Biff my favourite Lion ever had passed away, there was no service for him... just the knowledge that in March when I go to the convention I won't get to see him...I won't get my annual picture of me sitting on his lap and having him give me advice on dirty old men.

I went to go visit Krammit and all her boys for nearly a week and it was such a great reprieve from life...I had started to get so depressed and just snuggling and loving the babies and seeing my Krammit for 5 days was just awesome.

Went to the roller derby end of the season party with both Sugarbear and The Man... There aren't words to describe how much I love that I can go out with the both of them and not have to answer to many questions.

At this point I'm not too sure about continuing on with roller derby. I've not been able to pay my dues for December, still need to come up with money for my annual insurance and money for my January dues... may need to sell a kidney to continue.

December brought on the stress of having to deal with my landlords and their thoughts that some how their lack of upkeep of the property is some how our fault. They came back a second day in a row with a paper saying that they'll be raising the rent as of March first...The Man sort of gave our notice...let's see if the landlord takes him seriously...they only thing I've heard from them is that she sent me a text asking me for a measurement for the back door...
So we'll see on the first if we are actually going to give our notice. I think it's time.
I don't want to move. I hate moving...I've moved a lot...like...a lot.
If they're not going to take care of the place and we have to pay more in rent then...what else can I really do... *le sigh*

It hasn't been all bad...?

I did get sick last week...and this past weekend was awesome and horrible all at the same time...
Last Tuesday I seemed to wake up with something horrible living in my head and throat...Wednesday was a bit touch and go as to whether or not I might have had to go to the hospital...thankfully my body decided to take pity on me and just make me feel like hell. My heart didn't go batty thankfully.

This Monday (the 22nd) was the one year mark for Sugarbear and I...went by really fast it seems. He made Saturday awesome. He brought me home a beautiful bouquet of flowers on Friday, which made me blush since before I saw them I was joking about him being spoiled. We went out for breakfast on Saturday (I was and am still, feeling a bit crappy, but I was told he was taking me out for dinner so I was determined to feel well). We went to the Keg in the Falls, had a good view, and a really yummy meal. I have to say that this visit was much better then our last one (which was our first date...lol) we were so much more comfortable with each other now and so it was just a really good time. After supper we went to Timmies and grabbed a hot chocolate and a tea, then drove down through the festival of lights and through Dufferin Island. Then headed home where I forced him to sit through the Nightmare before Christmas (because hello...everyone should see that movie... Best Christmas movie and Best Hallowe'en movie...) I then got him to open up his presents... we then went on to celebrate Christmas downstairs...

Sunday I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck... Sugarbear was a sweetheart (as he almost always is) he ran me a bath and then made me some brunch and just let me lay around most of the afternoon...which made me feel bad since he was running about cleaning up and such. We ended up going to the bakery but I think that was about it.

A bit of a back story for a moment... My friend Codex who was a diabetic and having some renal issues failed to report on the 17th for his dialysis, nurses at the hospital were concerned and made a call for a welfare check. Where he was found unresponsive in his apartment and rushed to the hospital. The found after a ct scan that no neurological activity was happening. They (his mother and sister) then started calling friends and family from out of town to come and say their goodbyes to him.
He wasn't even 30 fucking years old.

On Sunday at 6pm I got a text from Codex's mother that he was gone now. On the Winter Solstice, his favourite night of the year. The night the light starts to come back. The night that the dark times is officially over...

I'm so tired of death. After this dark time...too many people have slipped through the veil.

Twice now I've been with Sugarbear when I've gotten the news of someone passing. I was eating breakfast with him when I found out about Al...and he was making supper when I found out about Codex.

I stayed at Sugarbears house Monday, Tuesday and then came home on Wednesday... I still wasn't feeling well. But I was also using it as a hidey hole...I didn't want to leave...I didn't want to deal with the world (I still really don't want to). I love that Sugarbear let's me use his place as a sanctuary away from the bright noisy world... He's up North with his family celebrating the holiday...

Tomorrow...err...Today... I'll be heading to Mum's to go do the Christmas thing. I was talking to her on the phone earlier and couldn't stop myself from breaking down... Yesterday I just wanted to get into my car and drive to go see my mum...The Man had the car...and I didn't know what I would say when I got there...

I have these moments where I think about how Barium doesn't have her father tomorrow... Oakie doesn't have Judy this Christmas... my Mum won't have Al to snuggle with tomorrow... We won't be watching Codex's cat for him while he goes to visit his mum... Biff won't be able to see what Santa brought for his grandkids... and my beautiful beautiful friend Moon won't get to see her only child open her gifts when the sun comes up... and I just well up and start to cry.

I just want to curl up in Sugarbears big comfy bed and shut the doors...

Earlier tonight was just awful... I was trying to be in a good mood and was laughing and joking about with the Boychild...apparently The Man was annoyed and we were entertained by annoying him further...so he stormed off.
Boychild tried so very hard to cheer me up afterwards...he is such a sweet kid...he shouldn't have to deal with my depression. Standing hugging his mum in the middle of the living room while she cries because she's angry at the world and annoyed with his fathers behaviour, and frustrated that everything just seems like it's going to shit.

And we've been trying to figure out how we can get up North (5 hr drive) on the 28th for Codex's memorial service. The Man and I both really want to go... Frankly I don't like the thought of travelling for 5 hours, saying good bye to a friend and then travelling another 5 hours home again.

Was hard to not think of DrunkenMonkey today and wonder how he's doing. It was his birthday. He just turned 35...in prison.  I have talked to his mum this week to see how he is, to see how she is, and to see if I would be able to mail him a letter.
I know what he did is wrong on so very many levels, but somewhere deep inside me I can't just turn my back on him. I know some people think I'm crazy and think I should just wash my hands of him and be done with it.

So what's coming up...?

Going to make dinner on Saturday for my dad his gf, and our friends The Farmer and Femme, as well as my 4. Not the biggest crowd I've cooked for but still a good size.

Sugarbear and I (and The Man) are having a bit of a gathering for New Years Eve... the Boychild will be there, it'll really be the first time he's really kind of hung out with Sugarbear. We're going to fondue it up with The Farmer and Femme. Hoping that Nickle will be there, maybe Pinky (miss him).
I've invited some others... starting to think that Leethal and Punisher aren't really interested with maintaining a friendship with us any more. I hardly hear from them, and seems when I do text it's not really ever a good time. Invited them to come out on NYE but I think they're sort of waiting to see if something better comes along. At least...that's how it feels. Who knows.
Been a year and I know she still seems to get amazed and weirded out about the whole situation of the three of us...lol

Beyond that... I have no idea.

I'm hoping for at least month off from going to funerals or having someone I know passing away...that would be lovely.

In good news...

I found a Target gift card on my desk that has fifty bucks on it.
I'm still not smoking.
I'm still enjoying my knitting.
My kids are healthy.
I love The Man and Sugarbear... and I'm fairly certain they both love me.

Good Night.

Merry Christmas.

Poly Related Terms...

Posting this here mainly so I can reference them again...just learned a few more from this list that was shared with me...

Bright-eyed Novice [BeN] n : a person who has just discovered Polyamory. Handle at your own risk as they tend to date as if eating at a buffet, they are still unaware of the amount of energy and work they will need to make their relationships work and have not yet refined their communication skills. [example of phrase BeN would say? "I love more than one person and I don't care who knows it !"]

Closed Marriage : Marriages where their is no outer emotional relating or sexuality

Closed Group Marriage : A group of individuals who describe themselves as married but may or may not be all primaries and who are closed to outside sexual relationships 2: A marriage in which fidelity is not equated with monogamy

Closed Relationship n : An agreement among the members not to get sexually and/or romantically involved with anyone outside the relationship

Commitment n 1 : to pledge or promise to do something 2 : dedication to a long-term course of action 3 : engagement 4 : involvement 5 : to put into charge or trust 6 : ENTRUST 7 : to carry into action 8 : PERPETRATE 9 : TRANSFER, CONSIGN; committal n; commit vb; committed vb; committing vb

Commune n 1 : a community 2 : interchange of thoughts and feelings 3 : converse; communal adj 1 : to be owned or shared by a community 2 : public

Community n, pl -ties 1 : a body of people living in the same place under the same laws; also : a natural population of plants and animals that interact ecologically and live in one place (as a pond) 2 : society at large 3 : joint ownership 4 : SIMILARITY, LIKENESS

Compersion n : the feeling of taking joy in the joy that others you love share among themselves, especially taking joy in the knowledge that your beloveds are expressing their love for one another, the term was coined by the Keristan Commune in San Francisco which practiced Polyfidelity, Kerista disbanded in the early 1990's

Condom Commitment n : an agreement to confine exchange of bodily fluids and barrier-free intercourse to a closed group which has previously been screened for sexually transmitted diseases. syn. safe sex circle

Condom Compact n : is collection of rules and responsibilities to help members involved in open multiple partner relationships protect themselves against STD, the Condom Compact was written by Oberon and Morning Glory Zell

Conscious Courtship n : dedication is in seeing that commitment and emotional or bonding are developed and based on values and goal alignment as well as initial and on-going attraction

Cooperative n or adj 1 : willing to work with others 2 : of or relating to an association formed to enable its members 3: a cooperative association

Courting n or vb : The process by which people explore how it feels to form or join in a committed relationship. syn. dating

Cowboy n : A male person who believes that alternative relationships are unstable, and consciously or unconsciously tries to pull one of the partners off into a monogamous relationship with them. Refers to "cutting a filly out of the herd". Cowgirl : A female cowboy

Eclectic Relationship n : Relationship that have heterosexual and homosexual members in them , relationship that consisting of diverse elements

Eromance n : romantic sexual love

Eros n : refers to sexual intimacy, sexual love, sexual drive or libido

Expanded Family n : a relationship in which three or more partners consciously chose each other as family, partners may or may not live together, there is the potential for all family members to be sexual with each other if they mutually chose to do so but this is not a requirement for family membership, syn intentional family

Family n, pl -lies 1 : a group of individuals living under one roof and under one head : HOUSEHOLD 2 : a group of persons of common ancestry : CLAN3 : a group of things having common characteristics; esp : a group of related plants or animals ranking in biological classification above a genus and below an order 4 : a social unit usu. consisting of one or two parents and their children

Fidelity n, pl -ties 1 : the quality or state of being faithful 2 : ACCURACY syn allegiance, loyalty, devotion, fealty

Friends With Benefits abbr. - [FWB] n : a casual relationship used to describe the physical and emotional relationship between unmarried people who engage in uncommitted sex acts. The intent is generally to relieve sexual frustrations through an alternative to masturbation, and is not intended as a romantic relationship. All parties are free to date and engage in sex acts with other people. This type of a relationship effectively gives the people involved an outlet for their sexual urges without the potential stress and time-demands of a committed relationship. The people may elect to become "Friends With Benefits" because they are not willing to commit to a full-fledged relationship for whatever reason

Grex n : a synergistic group of highly interdependent individuals whose functioning is enhanced by their association

Group Marriage n : a marriage involving more than two people

Group Partner n : a person of group marriage or relationship

Group Relationship n : a committed, loving relationship involving multiple partners

Hinge n or adj: Refers to Vee's, or similar dynamics in a more complex relationship, the "person in the middle", more bonded to each end than they are to each other, is sometimes called the hinge. Without the hinge, the others people often go their separate ways.

Hippie Hefner n : a male that is a charming mid-life hippie who attempts to create [though may already have done so] a flock of buxom women

Hot Bi Babe [HBB] n : mythical creature [female] that some couples search for as for the Holy Grail.

Husband n : a male partner in a marriage or committed relationship

In search of Hot Bi Babe [ISO HBB] n : a couple that is only looking for the elusive HBB. Won't talk to anyone else. Not interested in anything else.

Inclusive Relationship n : a relationship in which all partners agree to include more lovers into their relationship

Intentional Family n : a relationship in which three or more partners consciously chose each other as family, partners may or may not live together, there is the potential for all family members to be sexual with each other if they mutually chose to do so but this is not a requirement for family membership, syn expanded family

Intimate n, vb or adj 1 : an intimate friend, associate, or confidant 2 : INTRINSIC; also : INNERMOST 3 : marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity 4 : marked by a warm friendship 5 : suggesting informal warmth or privacy 6 : of a very personal or private nature-mated; -mating 7 : ANNOUNCE, NOTIFY 8 : to communicate indirectly : HINT; intimation n; intimacy n; intimately adv

Intimate Network n : individuals who desire friendship and perhaps sex with their lover's and other friend's, forming a web of varying connections within a social circle

Intimate Partner n : a gender-free, hetrosexual free term that define a person that another person is involved with their is a presumption of a romantic or sexual connection

Intimate Relationship n : a gender-free, hetrosexual free relationship term that assumes romantic or sexual connection

Jealousy n or adj 1 : the opposite of compersion 2 : negative, angry feelings that a group or an individual can prevoke in another group or individual 3 : demanding complete devotion 4 : suspicious of a rival or of one believed to enjoy an advantage 5 : VIGILANT; jealously; jealous adj

Line Marriage n : a term from the works of Robert A. Heinlein, science fiction writer, meaning a marriage that from time to time adds younger members, eventually establishing an equilibrium population, spouses dying off at the same rate as new ones are added, this is a different form of familial immortality than the traditional one of successive generations of children

Lovestyle n : the design or structure of a sexualove relationship, like the term lifestyle, it implies a conscious choice. syn. Relationship Orientation

Mixed Relationships n 1 : relationships that have heterosexual and homosexual members 2 : relationships that have people from different races and cultures

Monogamy n 1 : the practice of marrying only once 2 : being married to only one person at a time 3 : a marriage in which tow partners agree not to have sex or erotic love with anyone else 4 : a lovestye for two players; monogamist n; monogamous adj

Multipartner Relationship n : any nonmonogamous Relationship

Multiple adj 1 : more than one; also : MANY 2 : VARIOUS

Multiple Partner n : more than one partner

Multiple Relationship n : more than one relationship

New Normal n or adj : searching for normality and balance after establishing a new relationship within a group relationship. Establishing a new relationship within an existing multipartnered relationship brings changes to the emotionally established order of the group relationship. Finding the "NEW NORMAL" is what the shared group members strive for to improve the relationship and bring the group back into balance after adding a new member.

New Paradigm Relating n : a philosophy of relationship which emphasizes using the relationship to consciously enhance the psychological and spiritual development of the partners, New Paradigm Relating is characterized by responding authentically in the present moment, honoring individual autonomy, equality, total honesty and self responsibility.

New Relationship Energy n or adj: energy that flows between partners in a "new" relationship, the excitement and discovery that occurs during this time as opposed to old relationship energy that is part of a more settled, stable, comfortable time in the relationship

Nonmonogamy n : a relationship which allows for more that one sexual relationship at a time

Not-so-hot Bi Babe [NSHBB] n : unfortunately non-mythical annoying rookie who "Just doesn't get it" and would be more happier swinging.

Odd-One-Out Syndrome n or adj: an intimate situation where one person feels left out, usually because there is an odd number or members

Old Greaser n : a male who, at least once an hour, tries to have sex with anything female, regardless of appropriateness.

Old Paradigm Relating n or adj : a philosophy of relationship which emphasizes well defined rules, extensive agreements, ironclad conditions and the importance of the group over the individual, usually involves a hierarchical power structure.

One True Way Polyamorist n : Often times the Bright-eyed Novice [See Bright-eyed Novice] will morph into The One True Way Polyamorist after several months. This person has read everything they can find and will tell you exactly how Polyamory works, and what you must do. They will tell you that you are immoral or dishonorable if you disagree with them.

Open Marriage n : Includes one primary spouse bond and other secondary or tertiary lover's depending on availability and circumstance.

Open Group Marriage n 1: A group of individuals who describe themselves as married, but may or may not be all primaries and who are open to outside sexual relationships

Open Relationship n : an agreement among the members in which the partners decide that they can have sexual relations outside of the relationship. Partner have agreed that they can have sexual relations independently of each other

Partner n 1 : Short for life partner(s). Gender-free, heterosexual assumption free term for someone with whom one is romantically involved with 2: SPOUSE or SPICE 3: ASSOCIATE(S), COLLEAGUE(S) 4: two or more persons who dance together 5 : one who plays on the same team with another 6: one of two or more persons contractually associated as joint principals in a venture--partnership n

Plural Marriage n : a name often applied to Mormon-style polygyny, all the wives may live together or each may have her own home

Poly n or adj 1 : many or several 2 : Short for Polyamorous 3: The relationship orientation of people who love and want to be intimate with more than one person at a time 4: A relationship that is non-monogamous relationship 5: A person that is either in or at least interested in a multipartnered relationship and family

Polyactivist n : a person interested in taking action intended to counteract the political, social and religious enforcement of monogamy; Polyactivists help promote greater awareness of Polyamory as a legitimate relationship choice; polyactivism n

Polyamorous n 1 : practicing polyamory 2 : of or characterized by polyamory

Polyamory n : is the nonpossessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously. Polyamory emphasizes consciously choosing how many partners one wishes to be involved with rather than accepting social norms which dictate loving only one person at a time. Polyamory is an umbrella term which integrates traditional multipartner relationship terms with more evolved egalitarian terms. Polyamory embraces sexual equality and all sexual orientations towards an expanded circle of spousal intimacy and love. Polyamory is from the root words Poly meaning many and Amour meaning love hence "many loves" or Polyamory

Polyandrous n 1 : practicing polyandry 2 : of, engaging in or characterized by polyandry

Polyandry n 1 : the state or practice of having two or more husbands at the same time 2 : the mating of one female animal with more that one male; polyandric adj; polyandrist n

PolyChildhood n 1 : the state of being a child in a multiple partnered relationship
2 : from infancy to puberty 3 : an early stage or development within a multiple partnered relationship

PolyChild n -ren pl 1 : a girl or boy in the period before puberty from a polyamrous marriage or relationship 2 : an infant; baby of polyamorous union

Polyerocist n : a person who practices or prefers sex with multiple partners

Polyeros n : a lifestyle or relationship in which sexual partners agree that they may take additional sexual partners

PolyFamily n 1 : all the people living in or sharing life experences in the same home or household 2 : a social unit consisting of multiple adult models 3 : when polychildren are present the term includes others adults, besides blood or birth parents, who are responsibly involved with the polychild or polychildren, most adult take an active role in polychild rearing 4 : a group of people related by common commune, tribe, clan, lineage, ancestry, relatives, commitment or marriage 5 : a sharing of living expenses and property

PolyFriend n 1 : a person whom one knows well and is fond of polyamorous people 2 : intimate associate or close acquaintance of a person of an polyamorous orientation

Polyfriendly n 1 : an ally of people of a polyamorous orientation 2 : amicable 3 : supporting, helping or favorable 4 : showing friendly feelings polyamorous people or unions 5 : ready to be a friends to polyamorous people or unions

Polyfi Fundamentalist n : Closely related to the One True Way Polyamorist [See One True Way Polyamorist], differing only in the fact that they believe polyfidelity is paramount to all of the other Poly-style relationships. Will politely tell you how immoral you are if you are not Polyfidelitous. Though, some will vehemently call you a swinger or wannabe if you argue with them.

Polyfidelitous adj 1 : practicing polyfidelity 2 : of, engaging in or characterized by polyfidelity

Polyfidelity n : a group in which all partners are primary to all other partners and sexual fidelity is to the group; shared intent of a lifelong run together. More primary partners can be added with everyone's consent. The term was coined by the Kerista commune

Polygamous adj 1 : practicing polygamy 2 : of, engaging in or characterized by polygamy

Polygamy n : the practice of having more than one wife or husband at one time; polygamist n; polygamous adj

Polygynous adj 1 : practicing polygyny 2 : of, engaging in or characterized by polygyny

Polygyny n 1 : the state or practice of having two or more wives at the same time 2 : the mating of a male animal with more than one female

PolyLove n 1 : strong affection or attraction to more than one person 2 : the strong belief that human beings are capable of having love and affection for more than one person at a time 3 : warm attachment and joyful feeling in presence of your beloveds 4 : attraction based on sexual desire multiple partners 5 : intimate fantasies and dreams about multiple partners 6 : beloved people 7 : unselfish loyalty, benevolence and concern for others 8 : to feel a passion, devotion, or tenderness for multiple partners or loveones 9 : to take pleasure in being with many

PolyLover n : a person of polyamorous orientation with whom you have an intimate relationship

PolyMarriage n 1 : the state of being committed in multiple partnered relationship 2 : a multiple partnered relationship where commitment ritual was performed 3 : any close or intimate multi partnered union of duration

PolyPartner n : a person of polyamorous orientation that you are intimately involved

PolyRelationship n : a multiple partnered polyamorous relationship

Poly Mantra n or v: communicate, communicate, communicate and then communicate some more

Primary adj 1: first in order of time or development 2 : PREPARATORY 3: of first rank or importance 4 : FUNDAMENTAL 5 : not derived from or dependent on something else

Primary Partner n : a person of polyamorous orientation that is intimately involved in your life on day to day basis, the person provide emotional and economic support, there is mutual sharing of resources, goal and life paths

Primary Relationship n 1 : the closest relationship type, the person(s) given the most time, energy and priority in a person's life; includes high level of intimacy, attraction and commitment as demonstrated by marriage-level bonding (such as shared life paths, goals, parenting, economics, housing, important values, ongoing emotional support, etc.), typically includes a desire for a shared lifelong future together

Quad n : A multiple partnered relationship with four members

Relationship n : the state of being related or interrelated

Relationship Orientation n 1: The perference for sexual relationships or lovestyles which are monogamous, nonmonogamous, intimate network, Polyfidelitous, etc. 2: The design or structure of a sexualove relationship. Like the term lifestyle, it implies a conscious choice. syn. Lovestyle

Remarriage n : the state of being or getting married again

Safe Sex n : ideal 100% safe sexual activity and especially sexual intercourse in which various measures (as the use of latex condoms) are taken to avoid diseases (as AIDS and other STD's) which are transmitted by sexual contact

Safer Sex n : reality, not 100% safe, sexual activity and sexual intercourse where various measures are taken such as the use of latex condoms and barriers to avoid sexually transmaitted disease also taking into account that no such measure is 100% safe or foolproof

Safe Sex Circle n : an agreement to confine exchange of bodily fluids and barrier-free intercourse to a closed group which has previously been screened for sexually transmitted diseases; syn. Condom Commitment n

Secondary Partner n : a person of polyamorous orientation that is intimately involved in your life but usually not daily, the person provide emotional support may or may not provide economic support, there may be some sharing of resources, goal and life paths but they are few as compared to primary partners

Secondary Relationship n : a close relationship type, by definition it is given less in terms of time, energy and priority in a person's life than any primary relationship, includes aspects of primary relating, such as sexuality and emotional support but usually involves fewer ongoing commitments as evidenced by fewer shared values, plans or finanical/legal involvements, may include a desire for a long term future together

Serial Monogamy n : a succession of monogamous partners over time, overlapping sexuality only in the transition from the current monogamous partner to next

Sex Negative adj : a person with the belief that sexuality in general dirty or distasteful to including their own sexuality

Sex Positive adj : a person who is comfortable with own sexuality and sexuality in general

Skeezer n : a male, closely related to the Old Greaser [See Old Greaser]. His 'open' relationship policy generally means he just likes to have intercourse with anything that moves.

Spice n : Plural of spouse

Spouse n : a persons husband or wife

Swing Club n 1 : a meeting place where recreational sexual activity take place 2 : an organization that support, encourage and promotes recreational sexual activities

Swinger n : a person who is sophisticated, ultra-fashionable, active , uninhibited in the pursuit of pleasure or sex

Swinging vb : Recreational sexual activity, also called "sport sex" where partner's or participant's agree to have casual sex with each other's. There is usually no emotional involvement. A form of monogamy in which usually two primary partners agree to have casual sex with other couples or singles

Synergy n : the state of a system in which the whole is greater taht the sum of its parts : similar harmony as expressed musically : synergism n : interaction of discrete agencies (as industrial firms), agents (as drugs), or conditions such that the total effect is greater than the sum of the individual effects synergist n; synergistic adj; synergistically adv

Trantra n : 1 Hindu or Buddhist scriptures dealing with techiques and rituals including meditative and sexual prictices 2 :TOUCH 3 : Yoga spiritual discipline 4 : SENSATION 5 : FEEL

Tertiary n or adj 1 : of third rank, importance, or value 2 cap : of, relating to, or being the earlier period of the Cenozoic era 3 : occurring in or being the third stage

Tertiary Partner n : a person of polyamorous orientation that is intimately involved in your life erratically, the person provides limited emotional support, usually does not provide economic support, sharing of resources, goal and life paths

Tertiary Relationship n or adj : a relationship which may include emotional support or sexuality on a one-time or highly erratic schedule, attention or energy is given in bursts but the relationship is not a consistent part of a persons life

Tolerance n 1 : the act or practice of tolerating; esp : sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from one's own 2 : the allowable deviation from a standard (as of size) 3 : the body's ability to become less responsive over time to something tolerant adj tolerantly adv

Traditional Monogamy n : only one partner who is a lifelong mate; primary intimacy and sexual fidelity only with this partner : also see monogamy

Triad n 1: any three person lovestyle. 2: three people involved in some way; most often used in a committed sense; in some cases involving ceremonies of commitment 3 : a union or group of three usu. closely related persons or things

Triangle n 1: (or equilateral triangle) relationship where three people are each involved with both of the others, sometimes also called a triad 2 : a plane figure that has three sides and three angles : a polygon having three sides 3 : something shaped like a triangle; triangular adj; triangularly adv

Trisexual n : a sexual orientation of a person who prefers to have sex with two or more partners simultaneously

Vee n : three people, where the structure puts one person at the bottom, or hinge" of the vee, also called the pivot point; in a vee, the arm partners are not as commonly close to each other as each is to the pivot

Zee n :Slang shape of four people in a poly relationship where two are sexual and two are not yet all four live in the same house

Cynical Romantic

I'm not sure if I'm like other women.

I'm fairly anti-marriage...yet I'll still sometimes fantasize about a wedding...

I'm sarcastic and cynical when it comes to love...yet I like romantic gestures...

I like getting flowers once in awhile just as a 'I was thinking of you' type token...but not big expensive bouquets that would seem too extravagant...perhaps a lollipop...or something small even...

But then that big gesture of a big date (once in a blue moon)...like a dinner at a fancy restaurant followed by hours of just making out...lol

Ok so that might seem strange...but I'm big on the making out thing...just something about touching and caressing while a whole lot of kissing is happening...that exploration and wonder of how far can I go...will they say stop...do they like this...

I suppose that's why new relationships and or weekend flings can be fun at times.

Sometimes you just get into a groove and forget about stuff like that... what making out for the first time was like... or it's just known that this will be happening tonight...leaves some of the wonderment out of it.

Suppose that's why people will try out new things in the bedroom... or why some people hold back on telling someone about their kinks or fetishes or favourite things...for fear that the person they're with will think them a freak...and therefore wait a long long time before feeling comfortable enough to tell them...if they ever tell them.

There's really only one person I really divulged that information to... He knew my kinks and never found them taboo or to 'weird'... he never judged me or made me feel bad about any of them...

I'm not sure if I'll have that this time... I'm fairly certain there would be a level of judgement there that would make me feel embarrassed or ashamed for having said anything.

I'm a kinky cynic who loves romance and passion...

Not sure if I'll ever find that...